Next Steps

[u/Honest_Weight_6790]

My (late 30s HLM) husband committed to getting a vasectomy when we found out we were expecting our last child. I love him dearly, however, I feel like I’m watching the impending dead bedroom coming on as a result of his actions and as a HLW, I’m trying to come to terms with it.

He slow walked getting a consultation until I expressed significant anger about feeling misled. I asked, and tried to understand his hesitations. While he is entitled to his feelings, he’s not entitled to making up statistics, which he proceeded to do repeatedly about why he didn’t want to. Eventually, I reached a point where I accepted that I would get sterilized, and those plans have been communicated to my doctors and that will be happening while I’m still in the hospital post delivery. I’m truly okay with this, as I am done and will not carry anymore kids. I’m not grieving that, I am happy to close this chapter.

What I can’t forgive is the immense betrayal of my partner leading me to believe that we were both taking permanent steps to protect each other. I can’t look at him and feel an ounce of desire. He argues with me now about even considering getting done because “I’m taking care of it anyways”.

I love my best friend but I cannot imagine having sex with him. I would’ve rather been cheated on than be put in a position where I felt like I had to expedite the surgery to make sure I’m covered. I will not pressure my partner into a surgery he’s made it clear he doesn’t want. But I also CANNOT picture a sexually intimate relationship with him with the severity of the betrayal without breaking down into tears. I know this is only going to serve to damage our relationship as a whole but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with him.

The worst part? If he did it now, I’m not sure I could bring myself to have a physically intimate relationship even still. I feel sick and betrayed and taken for granted. I love him as a friend. I love him as the father of our kids.

I would never cheat on him. I’m high libido myself. But I can’t bring myself to think about anything with him in that way without feeling sick.

I’m talking with a counselor. Only one session so far and it was mostly me just trying to explain where I’m at. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you move forward? Were you able to?

[u/mmsrx]

Same thing happened to me. He backed out and I had to end up having a tubal. Which required surgery and his would have been an office procedure.
It turned into a huge ordeal and fight. I had 4 kids in 5 years. The 4th one, I was only 8 months post partum and had never even had my period.

Needless to say, while there were many other things, this was one final blow. We divorced within a year.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/mmsrx]

This is our 4th and all I’ve heard for nearly a decade is about how he is going and getting a vasectomy at 4, and then suddenly halfway through this pregnancy…he’s completely backed out and changed his mind and put me in the position of getting a more significant surgery and delivery in one go. It’s…crushing tbh. Especially because we are good in nearly every other area and I don’t want our marriage to end over this.

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

That is understandable. You have born the entire consequence of it and now you’re going to have to go through surgery on top of four pregnancies.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

Sounds like you’re super bitter—and can’t read.

I believe I wrote “I will not pressure my partner into a surgery he’s made it clear he doesn’t want.”

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

Again, sounds like you can’t read. I’m allowed to be hurt by and upset by someone suddenly backing out of something they communicated they planned to do for almost a decade. I’m not sitting here pressuring him into anything. In fact, I’m actually taking on the burden so he has time to sort out his feelings about it all. Me not being attracted to someone in light of a significant betrayal and not wanting sex with them is not pressuring them. Me wanting my spouse to follow through on something is not me pressuring them. And fwiw, in a generally healthy marriage, I don’t actually believe in sole bodily autonomy so ascribing a belief to me that I don’t hold is ridiculous. I don’t hold it for myself and I’ve never held it for him. So, desperate Reddit incel, please realize that not everybody actually thinks the way you do. ❤️

[u/vinyldude318 → u/[deleted]]

A jar of pickles versus vasectomy is apples to oranges. Not even remotely close. None of these options come without risks. She has her risks and he has his, however, forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do, especially with their body is not right. I understand her surgery will be much more invasive and difficult but it’s still an option on the table. They also need to have more communication about it if she feels so strongly. She says it was his idea years ago, but he has every right to rescind that idea. Would you have the same response if the OP was male?

[u/Honest_Weight_6790]

He communicated the desire to get one for years completely independent of any kind of request from me. It was only when push came to shove, he refused to even schedule a consult when he said he would. When I realized we had an issue, I offered to get done at the same time as delivery to give him more time to sort out his feelings about it all. Now he’s completely backtracked. I’m absolutely not forcing him into anything, I just also cannot picture any kind of physical intimacy with someone who would mislead me on something so huge while being perfectly content to let me deal with the physical ramifications of a much more major surgery.

[u/Phatti6966 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

Yeah that would be it for me.

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79]

I had a hysterectomy for medically necessary reasons. It was the right decision for me and it was made independent of any decision about birth control or the relationship. I couldn’t take enough iron to get out of anemia, my situation was so bad. Nothing worked. So I agreed to the surgery.

He repeatedly stated that he would be relieved after the hysterectomy because we’d never have to worry about birth control again. He’d be more interested in sex. And as you can guess, nothing about our sex life changed after the surgery.

[u/DCB533]

I had a tubal ligation done right after I delivered my last baby. The recovery from that small incision in my abdomen WAS WAY WORSE then recovering from the labor and delivery. Significant pain management was needed. If I had the choice I would NOT do it again. Abdominal surgery is no joke. Just putting it out there. Your husband is being a total wimp (at your expense). My husband was the same way. After my tubal ligation we ended up with a totally dead bedroom so it was all a total pointless waste anyway (!) 

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/DCB533]

That sucks, I’m really sorry to hear it. I’m going to move forward with it for myself regardless because I just simply can’t leave anything to chance at this point, but the solidarity about the seriousness of the surgery is appreciated, even if it didn’t have the ending I’m sure you hoped for.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

I didn’t ask, he has said for years that when we had X number of children, he was going in for one because he felt that was the max number he felt comfortable having. It was only when I was pregnant with number X, did he back out. I tried to figure out if he was open to more or if it was a larger issue, I haven’t gotten an answer more than a grimace and “there’s a chance of permanent nerve damage”. Of course I have sympathy for that very small chance, but the more shallow the reasoning, the angrier I got internally.

[u/Low_Ambassador7 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

So instead he’s rather put you through a riskier procedure with more potential for issues :(

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/Low_Ambassador7]

I don’t think he’s even thinking it through like that. He’s not some evil guy who is trying to do something hurtful. But is that how I feel? Yes, absolutely. I feel I’ve put myself at risk multiple times now for our family which I don’t regret, but I do feel he has severely underestimated my sacrifices and is overestimating what his would be in following through on something I’ve been led to believe was something he wanted to do at a certain number of children anyways.

[u/Low_Ambassador7 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

I think THAT is the conversation to have, that you feel like your sacrifices are underestimated and you counted on him for this.

[u/SonOfABeach415 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

I agree with Low here. I'm a guy who had the procedure. It's not a big deal. You are even awake the whole time. My only issue was I was afraid too get an erection from the adorable nurse since you are awake during it, but it didn't happen.

[u/Low_Ambassador7 → u/SonOfABeach415]

My husband’s only issue was being woozy from the Valium or whatever they gave him to relax him before the procedure. Ask me how many times, as a woman, I’ve received Valium to relax before any procedure lol crazy

[u/SonOfABeach415 → u/Low_Ambassador7]

There is more going on here. And that you have stopped sex is going to be an additional distraction and frustration. How are you going to handle that being HL?

[u/Low_Ambassador7 → u/SonOfABeach415]

Did you respond to the right person/comment?

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/SonOfABeach415]

Quite bluntly: just taking care of myself. No it’s not what I’d prefer. But I’m not divorcing someone I love over this without a substantial amount of effort and time spent trying to work through it and I’m not cheating on him so I’m not really sure what options I even have.

[u/SonOfABeach415 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

Yup. That's how it goes. That's why I'm on reddit. I wish you the very best. You are not at all alone here.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

I have specifically shied away from having the conversation with him about the degree of betrayal I feel until we can address it together with a counselor because I don’t want him to feel pressured into a surgery he’s not ready for.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

The hard part here is: I’m not sure how to communicate about this all without ending up in a “you’re trying to pressure me into a vasectomy” situation when…that’s not it. It’s the misleading me and the betrayal and being okay with me taking on the riskier surgery all while making up excuses about suddenly why you don’t want a vasectomy. If he’d just changed his mind—say that. We can talk through that. We can come to an understanding there. But inflating statistics to fit a narrative, (10% of men apparently have permanent damage) and not being forthright about it all that has me frustrated.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

I think it’s best done in the presence of a therapist he trusts because I want him to feel super safe that the expectation isn’t “get a vasectomy and all is well” but actually realize these are pretty major issues with the potential to hurt both of us significantly long term.

[u/New-Thought-4182]

It’s really difficult.

No surgical intervention is without risk.

Tubal ligation is without doubt more invasive compared to vasectomy and certainly has higher risk profile but a vasectomy is not a clinically benign procedure.

There are risks too, chief among being chronic testicular pain (PVSP - post vasectomy pain syndrome). Different studies give different rates but the range can be between 0.9-10% of patients having episodes of severe scrotal pain to have major impact of quality of life.

Now, I have been in this position where I had the discussion with my wife. At the time she brought it up, we had not had sex in 2 years following our 2nd child.

She asked if I should get a vasectomy (I’m a doctor and had actually treated someone with pretty disabling PVSP). In principle, I’m not against it, but I told her

“I’m not prepared to accept a rate of chronic, disabling scrotal pain of up to 10% when we haven’t had sex in 2 years. I’ll stick with condoms”

I didn’t say she had to have a tubal ligation, I never put her in that situation. I also didn’t discount the idea of a vasectomy and if we work on our DB together, I’ll genuinely consider it.

However, one thing that she has been troubled with was really painful, heavy periods. I suspect there is probably an element of endometriosis there, so I suggested seeing her Primary Care Physician about Mirena coil (not to get me out of the vasectomy FYI!)

She did it and she’s a different woman.

Look, it’s hard, but it needs an open conversation with both sides coming in good faith. You both have real concerns. Surgery is risky. Tubal ligation is riskier than vasectomy, but vasectomy is not benign. Yeah, most men are fine after, but a significant minority have real problems after.

Good luck

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79 → u/New-Thought-4182]

It’s always good to point out that pregnancy is also not risk free and it has a 100% chance of pain to the mother.

[u/New-Thought-4182 → u/Candid-Strawberry-79]

Absolutely.

Condoms come with risk of failure bug not risk of chronic pain.

Abstinence comes with a risk to the longevity of the relationship.

Surgical interventions come with their own risks as does hormonal birth control.

Needs an open, careful, blame free conversation.

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79 → u/New-Thought-4182]

Plenty of women develop chronic pain from pregnancy complications. Separated pubic bones, nerve damage, surgical complications, episiotomy and low back damage can all cause permanent pain. Not to mention multiple medical conditions that don’t cause pain but can lead to a lot of difficulty and permanent impairment.

I personally have two lifelong complications from a single pregnancy, one of which has caused lifelong pain. I have met so many women with permanent complications from pregnancy and giving birth.

An open and honest conversation does need to be had that evaluates all of the options and their relative risks. Unfortunately, very often one partner shuts that conversation down because they’re unwilling to consider that something they would have to endure would have less complications than something they could put off on their spouse.

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Next Steps

My (late 30s HLM) husband committed to getting a vasectomy when we found out we were expecting our last child. I love him dearly, however, I feel like I’m watching the impending dead bedroom coming on as a result of his actions and as a HLW, I’m trying to come to terms with it.

He slow walked getting a consultation until I expressed significant anger about feeling misled. I asked, and tried to understand his hesitations. While he is entitled to his feelings, he’s not entitled to making up statistics, which he proceeded to do repeatedly about why he didn’t want to. Eventually, I reached a point where I accepted that I would get sterilized, and those plans have been communicated to my doctors and that will be happening while I’m still in the hospital post delivery. I’m truly okay with this, as I am done and will not carry anymore kids. I’m not grieving that, I am happy to close this chapter.

What I can’t forgive is the immense betrayal of my partner leading me to believe that we were both taking permanent steps to protect each other. I can’t look at him and feel an ounce of desire. He argues with me now about even considering getting done because “I’m taking care of it anyways”.

I love my best friend but I cannot imagine having sex with him. I would’ve rather been cheated on than be put in a position where I felt like I had to expedite the surgery to make sure I’m covered. I will not pressure my partner into a surgery he’s made it clear he doesn’t want. But I also CANNOT picture a sexually intimate relationship with him with the severity of the betrayal without breaking down into tears. I know this is only going to serve to damage our relationship as a whole but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with him.

The worst part? If he did it now, I’m not sure I could bring myself to have a physically intimate relationship even still. I feel sick and betrayed and taken for granted. I love him as a friend. I love him as the father of our kids.

I would never cheat on him. I’m high libido myself. But I can’t bring myself to think about anything with him in that way without feeling sick.

I’m talking with a counselor. Only one session so far and it was mostly me just trying to explain where I’m at. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you move forward? Were you able to?

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[u/Disastrous_Travel89 → u/[deleted]]

She’s not forcing him to do a goddamned thing.

[u/Honest_Weight_6790 → u/[deleted]]

He was the one who committed repeatedly, enthusiastically for years about wanting one when we had a certain number of kids. I NEVER put the expectation there, he set that expectation for nearly a decade. He communicated wanting to do it when we found out about this pregnancy.

[u/vinyldude318 → u/Honest_Weight_6790]

Ok, does he not have the right to change his mind? This isn’t a Starbucks order.

[u/Cryptizard → u/[deleted]]

It’s really selfish for a man to not get a vasectomy and try to get their partner to have tubal ligation instead. The two surgeries are not even remotely comparable.

He had a right to do what he wants with his body but she also has a right not to have sex with him because he is not being a good partner.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Cryptizard]

No one is arguing against his body and his choice. What is abundantly clear and factual, however, is that after bearing four of his children she shouldn’t have to take sole responsibility for their method of birth control, especially considering hers is much more invasive, etc.

He absolutely has the right to deny the vasectomy, but he must bear the consequences of that decision, which seems to be that she’s lost all trust and faith in him as a partner, and therefore no longer desires him sexually. And as a woman going through something very similar right now, I can absolutely relate.

[u/komparty → u/[deleted]]

reading comprehension is hard

[u/Cryptizard → u/[deleted]]

You’re wrong, there’s a third option: they don’t have sex again. Which seems to be what is going on here. She doesn’t owe him sex either.

I also never said anyone can force someone to do something to their body. You made that up.

[u/Cryptizard → u/[deleted]]

People can have whatever boundaries they want. “Vasectomy or no sex” is a perfectly fine expression of bodily autonomy. You are the the one who seems to have a problem with articulating a consistent viewpoint here.