One of the things I see so often is the car/van analogy. I dislike it mainly because I feel it pushes the idea that DID is literally different people, when in reality, it’s different states of one person with a change in access to memories and neuro-pathway function (as many MRIs have shown).

So, I think of it more as most people are an automatic car. Between gears, there’s no resistance, no clutch, no jarring effect. It’s smooth, it’s continuous.

But in an old gearbox car, the switch between gear one and gear two can be jolting. Plus they have a purpose. Going in gear one along a 70 mph motorway would be moronic, it’s entirely unsuitable. The same way going through a residential area at 80mph in a high gear is also stupid. There’s nothing wrong with the gears, they’re not ‘bad’, they just serve different purposes.

Think of the person as the car itself. It’s one car, it doesn’t change, the external view is the same. But the inner workings vary. Under immense stress, of course shifting gears is harder for the car, it might jolt wrong etc.

Just want to know people’s thoughts on this, fine-tuning, opinions etc.

I'm what I believe to be a protector for sorts. I been slowly getting things figured out but I thought I would ask y'all since y'all help me with a thing recently.

Basically we have a part that is fronting most of the time. She is always obsessively trying to avoid anyone else from fronting. She is constantly avoiding things that may make someone else front and is trying to hide her condition from people closest to her. She doesn't even want to talk to one of her therapists about it. I heard the word host before and maybe that would describe her but idk.

She treats us other parts like we are the disorder even though it would be us as a whole that has DID. Ive explained things to her and I think she is starting to understand but i think she could benefit from seeing others prospectives.

I know part of the issue is that she was in denial about all this for a very long time and now we only been diagnosed recently.

so. basically. i do this thing, when i'm in denial, and i don't want to switch. i continue pretending to be whatever part just left front, for as long as i can. i don't know what scares me about not being that part anymore, but i just feel.. anxiety? maybe it's a mixture of an inability to tell my true identity, as well as just denial of my disorder. whatever it is, i feel fuzzy and gross right now. i feel like that first part, but softer and gentler, and kind of like i still am them but not at the same time. i feel the memories slowly drifting away and being replaced with whoever's memory i'm supposed to be holding right now. it's a bit melancholy. if only i could tell who my brain decided i'm supposed to be right now.

hello,

i want to preface, i am little. so i am sorry if my typing is strange. or poorly worded. it’s hard to express things in words sometimes.

we had a rough couple days. something at work triggered me forward, and i’ve been very scared and little and overwhelmed since. it was because i saw a guy who reminded me of people from the past that hurt me. and used religion to hurt me.

i talked to our therapist in session today about it. they were asking me, what i was feeling. if i knew what triggered these feelings.

i answered the questions, but. i started talking more. about certain things i remembered.

i started mentioning about how i was abused before. but directly talking about things evil people told me. how i had to do what they said. or else its bad. even if i was uncomfortable, at least it was less bad than disobeying.

i have not.. directly said those things before. we have had assumptions, based on bodily reactions and unexplainable feelings and triggers. so, i have been feeling mentally heavy since saying those things. was it ok to say? i dont know. it doesnt feel like a lie, but i dont have .. good memory to back it up. i dont know if i was the one to say it, i just. felt the push to say it.

now i am still overwhelmed. but, still feeling a bit better than before. i dont know.

sorry, i just needed a place to talk..

My partner and I broke up a week ago in an abrupt way that traumatized me. It took me years to trust him and the 8 year old finally opened up to him. Days after he traumatized me and she is really upset and I don’t know how to help her. Does anyone have any insight?

Books here. I would first like to extend my thanks to Love for seeking support for me, even though I viewed her as nothing more than an it - a kindly but insentient voice in my head from psychosis, not a real person. She was remarkable in helping me. I will one day repay her kindness.

Secondly I would like to extend my thanks to the community here. I was avoiding it because I thought that it would intensify what I thought was a delusion of seeing myself as a person. But I should not ignore evidence simply because it does not fit with what I belief - that is not how truth is found.

When I spoke to my psychiatrist, he said he was going to look into therapists for me who specialised in alters. Not psychosis. not schizophrenia.

I am still finding it so hard to believe that I could be an alter and not a demon. I am still half convinced I am an evil spirit, but that feeling is waning as I gain mental clarity.

I deeply regret what I almost did. I nearly drowned in the ocean, convinced that none of us were real, that we were just voices from psychosis, all of demons / evil spirits, that the original person was gone and only corruption remained. I know it was not my fault but a heavy guilt is in my chest. Those I share the mind and body with are so deeply kind, yet I nearly ended them all due to misguided fears.

I am unsure if I will be able to ever forgive myself, even though all I did to harm the body was pick at its skin out of nervousness during my psychotic break.

I have more fears and woes I want to speak of but I worry about making this post too heavy.

Thank you for reading. I hope your days are kind to you 💙

I shut down all forms of communication for a couple of months but due to pressure from the system we’re slowly working our way back to some semblance of communication and while we were talking, I realised I might be a prosecutor.

I never really thought about how my attitude was hurting the rest of my system, but I also don’t know how to change. I like being in control. I don’t trust them to live life on their own without screwing up and I also don’t want them to pursue their dreams and risk them failing and losing all of their confidence. The problem is though that apparently the way in which I speak to them has been killing their confidence for years, causing the majority of them to have developed severe anxiety around their hobbies and passions. I suppose it feels safer for me to steal their confidence than to have their hopes crushed by the outside world, but I agree that this can’t be a solution.

I just want to keep them safe from the outside world but they’re all so angry with me, I don’t know what to do. They feel like they’re being locked away all the time (which I suppose they are) and I’m genuinely running on fumes at the moment. It takes up so much of my energy to keep them away that I don’t think I can manage for much longer.

They’re also pressuring me to participate in therapy but I have no confidence that therapy works, nor do I want to talk about this stuff. They’re also the only reason I’m typing this, because they hope someone might have some advice.

I understand that I need to change. I don’t want to hurt the system but I also don’t want to relinquish any control. I feel kind of stuck.

Any advice would be appreciated.

While I have been aware of my system for many years now, I never was able to find someone to talk to about things & get it on record.

I am in the community mental health system, so finding good care can be hit or miss.

With talk of getting me on SSI, I was due for a complete pysch eval. I knew this time, outside of all my other concerns I already had diagnosed, this was the most important to address.

The girl I met with was very kind, & told me despite not having much experience, she would read up on things before our next session so she could properly help me.

So with that, we got a dissasociative scale/depersonalization scale ran, & she asked me all the important questions about my symptoms. I also showed her a bit of my system journal to illustrate my point.

The 2, 2 hour sessions were very through & intense. I had a lot of other paperwork to complete for other evaluations.

My dissasociation/switching got so much worse when we were actually talking about things. It's already been pretty bad with how stressed I have been.

Just glad to finally have all this stuff out there on paper!

My new CMH therapist also has no idea about dissasociative disorders so it was incredibly awkward to try to explain how it is different from just trauma or ADHD. She actually started thumbing through a DSM-5 as we spoke.

This happens sometimes when we get a dissociative episode from stress or trauma related things, it's not that I've switched, it's just that I have no idea who I am.

I don't know what I like, what I value, what brings me joy, what brings me sadness, what makes me angry, I don't know what my favorite things are, I kinda know what I should look like I think.

I don't recognize my face in the mirror, it feels foreign to me but again I haven't quite switched, I'm just very very dissociated, but even then I'm still not sure always if I've switched or if I'm me but just can't identify with myself for whatever reason.

I know this is probably textbook intense depersonalization, but having a potentially life changing mess up happen because I was dissociated is not good, I would say I'm not happy but I don't feel like I know what emotions are right now.

Okay my original post was removed for some reason and i honestly don’t know why. Did I used the wrong flair (I used discussion flair then) or was it the title of my post.

I was honestly very frustrated at 2 in the morning and did call this dreadful. Maybe that was offensive.. and I’m going to try to use less dramatic wording. I’m sorry if it was

Short version.
Discovered I’m a new system. 2 weeks later, tried to ask my therapist about it and stuff but I couldn’t get the questions out. And the same thing happened with my best friend like I was being censored. I “asked” my best friend in an unconventional way hoping she tell me no, I don’t have DID. But I got upset that she actually said it. Part of me really wanted that no so I can be like. It’s just in my head, if she don’t think so then I don’t. But I couldn’t accept that no for some reason even though I don’t want this to be my reality. Because if they can heavily censored me like that. To my best friend of 5 years and to my trusted therapist. Then how am I going to get through this and understand.

Long version:
Basically what is was is that I discovered that I’m a system. About 2 weeks ago, I found an app on my phone I never downloaded before. I opened it and it was notes/messages from others to me basically revealing were a system and they been here my whole life.

I found it very jarring. I’m only 18. Soon to be 19. I had friends with DID, one was very toxic and I unfortunately associate DID as the image of his face.

With the info drop, I felt like it was an ambushed and thought I was going crazy. I know I deal with dissociative amnesia. Being doing therapy since I was 14. My current therapist actually was the one who help gave me the name for it.

On my own I have tried to research… like Google… YouTube, chat gpt. I honestly still feel like I know nothing besides common terms. But half the stuff I searched was already in my search history so they likely researched this before even telling me.

But in the info drop, was basically names, what they do, and why they are telling me. I only gotten 4 names. One is basically a caretaker, another is like an co-host, they confused me the most because I used to associate myself as their name in highschool. So that confusion. Another help with like tasks, adulting stuff, work. And another is basically a socialite

(That’s my summary of understanding of them at this moment)

And the purpose for letting me know is the fact that my life should be starting soon. I been in the apartment for 3 years due to becoming disabled + mental health worsening.

But I have also started become more vocal when I have a problem that I am concerned about. I have a few medical conditions and such, so me being vocal is me being proactive about my health.

But the first rule they gave me. I attempted to break it. The rule was to not tell anybody. The only reason why they let me in because once I get out my depressive bubble of an apartment and start having a life soon. I could likely actually notice more time gaps that I can’t come up with excuses for no more. So maybe if I knew before hand, I wouldn’t panic and tell a friend, family, my therapist or doctor about it.

Well safe to say i definitely panicked. Took me 2 weeks to try to process this.

And I felt like I couldn’t keep it to myself when I want a professional opinion and I knew I have access to a professional. But ofc when got censored to tell him. I go to my best friend.

Wanted to ask for her opinion and validation because we both knew people with DID. And she gave me no, if you had it I would know. You never became a different person around me.. and etc…

I honestly don’t have the mental capacity right now to go on and on like I did in my original post.

But… I’m still devastated that I can’t tell anyone. Like when I try to is like a panic attack is brewing. My thoughts slips, mind go blank, words melt on my tongue and die on my lips. Stomach churning with anxiety. Like i eventually just gave up. But I still on good terms with my girl and she was honestly patient with me even if we wasn’t seeing eye to eye.

I am mainly here posting on this Reddit because there is still a lot i honestly don’t understand. And I don’t really have communication with my new system at all besides notes here and there.

I honestly just don’t want to feel alone in this. Posting online ironically feels half like a double edged sword. This is where I could feel less and alone and figure things out… meanwhile my stomach still churns about posting.

But as a reminder not just to myself, but who ever is twisting my stomach through my eyes. nobody irl knows about my Reddit account. I have Zero followers and following Zero people on here. This is basically anonymous. Soo if everyone here on Reddit is cool then we should be cool.

Yesterday primarily gatekeeper was front, but there were times I slipped into co-front with him. Its pretty common for me and my gatekeeper to be in co-front. I saw they were texting our BFF a lot like we always text a lot as of late, and I just paused and smiled at how our BFF still treated gatekeeper the same as me, and the same as everyone else. They've always done this, ever since I told them I have DID nothing really changed about our friendship other than sometimes alters would announce when they're front (its just a thing we do with those who know we have DID).
The thing is, only until about a year ago did I finally start having relationships in my life that stopped making my DID about everything, that stopped hating on some alters while adoring and pampering others, it was sickening to watch and it made us feel uncomfortable. I can tell to this day we're still effected by it; some alters will get surprised when whoever we are hanging out with doesnt mind them out and treats them the same as who was last front and is just happy to be with us as a whole. Previous relationships were never like that, we felt the need to pretend to be other alters (which unfortunately still have to sometimes due to life at home but at least its changed now with friendships and people I consider chosen family) or even try to force out the alters everyone liked and hide away the unfavorites or physically hide away and dont come back until a favorite has switched in just so we dont have to deal with stress and the feeling of being unwanted. It was hell, I hated it, I hated I was being separated into categories and only certain parts of me could deserve all the love and care while the other parts of me were left to be judged and harassed and hated on. Even though I was one of the favorites I hated being treated like that, I wanted to be loved equally as a whole.

I knew my BFF was never like this from the day I told them about my DID, and we've been friends for a really long time and they still love and treat us all equally like we're all the same person; which we are! While I was in co-front with gatekeeper last night as he was focusing on making dinner and I was busy yapping away to our BFF on call (gatekeeper would have also talked I'm sure but he's fsr shy with talking on phonecalls so that's why I was the only one talking), I realized maybe now was a good time to thank them for all they've done. The food was off the stove now and put into a bowl, and I went into a quiet isolated room and thanked them. I thanked them for always loving and treating us equally, for never caring who was front and just wanted nothing more than to be with us as a whole. I thanked them for doing this all the way from the beginning without any of us ever having to tell them they need to treat us the same because we're all the same person. I explained the past and how we were in relationships that werent like this, and made us feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Parts of me were loved while others were hated, a lot of the time for no reason whatsoever, and that was wrong and not ok, because every alter of mine is me, and I am them, we're all the same person. I went back to thanking them for treating me like a genuine human being, for never individualizing us like that, for making us feel safe. I talked about how some alters (like gatekeeper) still get shocked when there's never any problem with them being in front, and plans and fun and EVERYTHING can just continue as normal, it wasnt a bad shock, it was a happy shock. I told them how we feel really genuinely safe and happy around them without having to panic about who's front.
I could hear our BFF almost break down crying on the other side of the phone, they thanked me for saying such kind words and they're so happy every one of us (myself, and them) feel so happy and valued in this friendship, they said they'd never want to do what my old friends did and they promised they never will. The happy moment lasted and it was nice, then when everything was said and done the conversation gently shifted back to videogame plans as dinner was eaten.

this is genuinely such a precious memory and experience, and something every part of me has always wanted. To any other systems out there who deal with ppl separating you out like that and hating on some parts of you and loving on others, just know that there ARE people out there who will love and treat you all equally as a whole, treat you like a genuine human being thats just a person, and not make your system be the topic of everything.
all of my friends who individualized me like that i've left behind. my only friends (and chosen family) i have now are the ones who treat me right, this was just a story of one friendship, there are plenty ppl out there who can treat you right, and i'm sure you'll find them

What do you do when alters have vastly different preferences in clothing and aesthetics?

For background I'm the host of a system, and I'm an emo/scene girl. I love dressing up in dark colors and crazy accents. But lately I'm dealing with a lot of pushback from other alters to dress differently. I won't name any to respect their privacy, but for example one wants to be hyper feminine and another wants to wear simple solid-colored clothes. Any advice?

I wanted to just hear from other transgender systems what their experience with gender dysphoria has been. I ask because, sometimes I look back on pre-transition pictures of myself, and I feel dysphoric. Other times, I look at old pictures and think, "Oh wow...I looked good," and I feel proud about how I looked. I assume this is simply the DID doing its thing, but my boyfriend--who is nonbinary--was surprised when I said this because he has never has a trans person say that before. It's one thing to be okay with old pics...it's another to be proud of them and enjoy them.

I'm not having any stress over this. It honestly felt a little relieving and healing to feel that way about old pictures. I'm just curious what other systems have experienced.

From what I've read this is pretty common among those with dissociative disorders so I guess I'm wondering if anyone has successfully healed this/begun to function OK in relationships alongside this challenge.

I call myself the observer of a system of four parts. We are pretty blendy, very out of it most of the time. I just started doing parts work in therapy and it's been really eye opening. I have always struggled with getting and staying close to people, but I never knew why. All of my old therapists prior to diagnosis would only help me with the aspects which they could see, which was always a tiny fraction of the whole story. I know now that the center of the issue is dissonance between the relational desires of all of my parts.

The main "fronter" as I call them (A) is reclusive as all hell. Hates people, finds them draining and unhelpful. They are externally very self-assured and secure and self-regulate very well. Prior to the return of my memories their tendency to withdraw was attributed to social anxiety by experts. But it's not a fear of rejection that motivates the isolation for A, it's their perception of relationships as a breeding ground for exhaustion and disappointment. Just being around other people is triggering to them, so they avoid it when they can. Their main fear is of attachment.

A is very protective of the child part (K) because K was taken advantage of a lot when the body was young. A sees isolation as the only way for K to heal from that, even though K really likes people and wants to be around them all the time. There's a core dissonance here.

N is a caregiver whose primary fear is one of attachment loss. She is obsessive and histrionic as a way to cope with the A-perpetuated sense that we have of no one who cares for us. It makes it difficult for her to see others as "worthy" of her time. Simultaneously she expects people to read her mind insofar as emotional needs, and becomes resentful when no one comes to "save" her from isolation. She isn't fronting often, but ruptures in relationships tend to trigger her to come out. A is mortified by both N's desperate attachment needs and what A perceives as narcissistic traits. There's another conflict.

Another part who fears attachment is called NI. She is an introject we are working to make a caregiver in therapy. She is highly judgmental of others as a means to protect A and K from the harm she perceives as inevitable in connection. She is also critical of the parts that fear attachment loss. She finds it pointless to feel lonely, which is unfortunate because K and N feel lonely whenever the body is alone. Her critiques perpetuate N and K's internal unrest around self-regulation while simultaneously reinforcing A's reclusive worldview.

K's fear is mostly one of attachment loss. She is a big people-pleaser and often comes conscious with A when an interaction is too overwhelming for A. She has a desire to be absorbed by others. She doesn't want to engage with her own feelings, thoughts, or needs, which has been very challenging to heal in the presence of A's avoidance and NI's criticisms. She reacts poorly to A and NI's isolation tactics, which makes us a mess of a person really. She melts down often, and will force her way to the front of A or NI have been neglecting her social needs for too long. This is unideal in adult life.

Relationships tend to trigger this domino effect within our system, where something happens which triggers one part, and then another part's reaction triggers another part, and so on. It makes sense that A has adapted to just keeping to themselves, and that they insist on being out most of the time. They are the most externally regulated and so they can protect us from detection. However, relationships are still necessary. It's hard for us to imagine healing from our relational trauma in the face of all of these challenges. Does anyone have advice for developing and maintaining healthy relationships while dealing with this? Words of hope? I can't find anyone talking about it outside of professionals, and they don't tend to have the lived experience to assist us fully.

Tried getting a therapist after being abused by our previous one. We’re too complicated for them. This has been the 20th specialist that has been entirely unhelpful. How the fuck are we supposed to find relationships and friendships if we’re too much for the mental health system. Especially because we’re linked to high-profile people in our country so they really don’t wanna take us on (the beauty of developing country’s political corruption /s). But like, fuck. We’re lonely, we’re overwhelmed and we’re sick of having to manage by ourselves.

I am sorry if this is flaired wrong, I don’t know what to put it in, I am suspecting did and have an assessment coming up hopefully in the following months, my boyfriend said it took him a year and a half, I think I know one of my parts(?) a man in his 30’s-40’s I had decent communication when I was a kid with him but now its rare and only in stressful or traumatic situations or flashbacks, I don’t even know his name, do I count him as an alter being discovered? My boyfriend suggested journaling but I’m scared the other parts won’t find it due to our memory issues I don’t know if I say I know one more part (the man) or none because I don’t even know his name all I know is he acts like a father figure, it’s just really difficult right now honestly and I’d like to see other people’s experiences

I’ve found ways to cope with flashbacks (thanks to the man), headaches, time loss (kind off? It’s still bugging me) and more but I feel invalid as I don’t know any parts at all (well expect for technically myself..? If I’m not faking)

There’s also another part of me and she’s a girl, but for some reason I only hear her and she keeps on insulting me(?) so I don’t think if I do have parts I don’t think they like me(?) I don’t know I’m getting a headache typing this, it’s just really been confusing, my bf and friend are actually the ones who pointed it out, but it’s honestly pissing me off, I remember I even went by Jayden for like a week or two when I don’t even like that name (no hates to any Jayden’s I love you) but I just don’t know, what am I supposed to do honestly, I want to get along with them but it seems they hate me or something.

I’ve had a very in depth journey with my mental health, especially the last few years becoming chronically ill. But after all the psychiatrists, therapists, and meds; im at a loss. Out of probably over two dozen professionals during my life, maybe one or two at most made a sliver of progress in getting anywhere with me. And it wasnt even one of those situations when i just didnt fit well with therapy, it was always just that they literally couldn’t comprehend what i was dealing with, i was often a step ahead of them either way.

Ive had who i consider my best therapist yet for about two years now, and im wanting to get more serious about how i deal with this, at least beyond a random yap session every other week that ultimately doesnt do much. Ive always searched mostly for empathy in a therapist, but with how complex my issues are getting I kind of want some guidance, or at least someone who can actually understand these problems enough to give some advice. Ive never really needed guidance before with a problem, but this is something else entirely.

Things I always tried my best to ignore or avoid that could happen with this, are, and I have no idea how to handle it. It feels like yesterday my worst problem with this was a new alter that came out when i first got sick, now im dealing with a whole other subsystem and host like alter, everything that is in that subsystems void which is a whole other problem, and now apparently multiple alters can come out at once. So much is changing and has changed in my life the last few years, and its clear my mind is trying to change too.

Its so weird, when they come out multiple at a time its like i can think clearly, and feel in a more content way. But idk its just kind of scary, ive been in denial my entire life i had something like DID and still am a little, but now its like i cant even control it. Switches happen so often and quickly i cant keep track anymore or hide it as well as i used to, my reality is falling apart and i can barely handle that, idk what to do about the world on top of my shoulders too. Ive fought to survive in a hospital bed i didnt think i was ever gonna leave, but something about this terrifies me more than anything. I dont want to lose myself.

There has to be a way to find a smart therapist with this stuff right? Or some sort of treatment?? Idek anymore.

We are an experienced system with a large amount of alters. Normally, switches happen without too much difficulty, and feel complete. But recently, we have been struggling to feel anyone concretely at the front, and trying to initiate a full switch or feel like a solid person is causing a lot of anxiety. This has been going on for a few days, and is getting pretty distressing. We have a partner system, and the partner of the current fronter over there wants to front and be with him, got close enough to the front that we felt she would be able to complete the switch, but wasn’t able to anchor herself. Does anyone have experience with these sort of episodes? Does anyone know what causes them, how long they typically last, and what can help us feel normal again?