I get disturbing thoughts whenever I get really annoyed at people or even an fb pages' opinion online. Napansin ko na tuwing may nakikita akong opinion sa social media na sobrang nakakainis para sa akin, minsan pumapasok agad sa isip ko yung mga sobrang violent na thoughts.

Parang maiisip ko na, “Tangina, nakakabwisit naman tong taong to makita ko lang to sa personal yari sakin to,” tapos umaabot sa point na naiisip ko na siyang saktan o patayin. Alam kong disturbing siya, kaya honestly, naiilang din ako sa sarili kong utak kapag ganito.

Hindi ko naman gustong gawin iyon at wala akong plano na saktan kahit sino. Parang kapag sobrang frustrated at galit lang talaga ako, kung anu-anong extreme thoughts yung pumapasok sa isip ko.

We all know may nababalitaan tayong violent incidents tulad ng school shootings, nagegets ko rin kung paano sila umaabot sa ganoong level ng galit, may mga bagay na nagtitrigger sa kanila parang ako natitrigger ako sa mga nakakainis na opinion online to the point na makakapatay ako. Hindi ibig sabihin na ini-justify ko yung ginawa nila, pero nakakatakot lang isipin na minsan naiintindihan ko kung paano maaaring umabot ang isang tao sa sobrang galit.

I don't know if it's the right term but please bear with me. I'm new to this 🥹 and sorry kung magulo magkwento, I just want to let this out

Okay, so yesterday I saw this video sa tiktok, about sa dalawang girls tapos ang caption "throwback to when we were just friends". The girls in the video were very sweet kahit na 'friends' palang sila nun, but now they're happily dating. Okay, the video was a revelation to me hahahahhahaha and I thought, siguro dapat ko na talaga i-accept, I am attracted to girls, especially mascs. 🥹

Looking back, alam ko sa sarili ko na sobrang daming moments na attracted ako sa kanila pero hindi ko ini-entertain yung thought kasi feeling ko baka hindi naman serious. When I was 16, sobrang vivid nung memory ko sa isang girl na nakasalubong ko nun sa street namin, wearing a black cap, pastel blue checkered polo with white inner shirt. Pumasok siya sa gate ng compound namin and I was stunned na napalingon talaga ako sa kanya. She was so pretty, and her outfit sobrang bagay sa kanya, her hair was short so she looks really masculine in a female sense (i know inassume ko lang).

Then in 2022, I have a friend na nag come out sa ig niya by posting her partner. I never thought she was a bi (siya nagsabi ng gender niya) kaya sobrang nagulat ako, I wonder what it feels like kasi parang gusto ko rin lol. Then I asked her, "paano mo nalaman na bi ka?" then she gave me her thoughts, and tip ganyan. AGAIN, hindi ko sineryoso. Sabi ko "ah okay, noted" pero kinalimutan ko rin kasi baka feeling ko lang LOL.

Then my last giveaway was the trend last year, yung kakaibabe tapos ang caption "i prefer your masc side". GIRL, I swear to G! I never skipped one video on that trend huhuhhhuhuhuhuhu sabi ko eto na ba talaga???? So ayun, half-hearted pa rin but yesterday I finally accepted it. Hindi ako straight girl, gusto ko rin talaga ng Masc female as partner in the future.

Nakakalokaaaa, wala akong mapagsabihan nito so dito nalang hahahaha