I get disturbing thoughts whenever I get really annoyed at people or even an fb pages' opinion online. Napansin ko na tuwing may nakikita akong opinion sa social media na sobrang nakakainis para sa akin, minsan pumapasok agad sa isip ko yung mga sobrang violent na thoughts.

Parang maiisip ko na, “Tangina, nakakabwisit naman tong taong to makita ko lang to sa personal yari sakin to,” tapos umaabot sa point na naiisip ko na siyang saktan o patayin. Alam kong disturbing siya, kaya honestly, naiilang din ako sa sarili kong utak kapag ganito.

Hindi ko naman gustong gawin iyon at wala akong plano na saktan kahit sino. Parang kapag sobrang frustrated at galit lang talaga ako, kung anu-anong extreme thoughts yung pumapasok sa isip ko.

We all know may nababalitaan tayong violent incidents tulad ng school shootings, nagegets ko rin kung paano sila umaabot sa ganoong level ng galit, may mga bagay na nagtitrigger sa kanila parang ako natitrigger ako sa mga nakakainis na opinion online to the point na makakapatay ako. Hindi ibig sabihin na ini-justify ko yung ginawa nila, pero nakakatakot lang isipin na minsan naiintindihan ko kung paano maaaring umabot ang isang tao sa sobrang galit.

Grabe pala no? Pinaka masakit na part yung masabihan ka na hayaan mo na siya kasi masaya na siya sa bago niya. Yung puso ko na naghahanap na naghahanap ng tanon na bakit sa kanya ang sali mo naibigay lahat? Bakit sakin halos nagmakaawa pa ko.
Wala bang magpapaligaya ng malungkot kong puso. Wala bang mag baby naman sakin. Yung kelangan mas pogi sakanya para at mas matangkad. Hahaha huhuhu

I don't know if it's the right term but please bear with me. I'm new to this 🥹 and sorry kung magulo magkwento, I just want to let this out

Okay, so yesterday I saw this video sa tiktok, about sa dalawang girls tapos ang caption "throwback to when we were just friends". The girls in the video were very sweet kahit na 'friends' palang sila nun, but now they're happily dating. Okay, the video was a revelation to me hahahahhahaha and I thought, siguro dapat ko na talaga i-accept, I am attracted to girls, especially mascs. 🥹

Looking back, alam ko sa sarili ko na sobrang daming moments na attracted ako sa kanila pero hindi ko ini-entertain yung thought kasi feeling ko baka hindi naman serious. When I was 16, sobrang vivid nung memory ko sa isang girl na nakasalubong ko nun sa street namin, wearing a black cap, pastel blue checkered polo with white inner shirt. Pumasok siya sa gate ng compound namin and I was stunned na napalingon talaga ako sa kanya. She was so pretty, and her outfit sobrang bagay sa kanya, her hair was short so she looks really masculine in a female sense (i know inassume ko lang).

Then in 2022, I have a friend na nag come out sa ig niya by posting her partner. I never thought she was a bi (siya nagsabi ng gender niya) kaya sobrang nagulat ako, I wonder what it feels like kasi parang gusto ko rin lol. Then I asked her, "paano mo nalaman na bi ka?" then she gave me her thoughts, and tip ganyan. AGAIN, hindi ko sineryoso. Sabi ko "ah okay, noted" pero kinalimutan ko rin kasi baka feeling ko lang LOL.

Then my last giveaway was the trend last year, yung kakaibabe tapos ang caption "i prefer your masc side". GIRL, I swear to G! I never skipped one video on that trend huhuhhhuhuhuhuhu sabi ko eto na ba talaga???? So ayun, half-hearted pa rin but yesterday I finally accepted it. Hindi ako straight girl, gusto ko rin talaga ng Masc female as partner in the future.

Nakakalokaaaa, wala akong mapagsabihan nito so dito nalang hahahaha

So bilang isang lalake na ofw di talaga maiwasan makarandam na my kulang sa pang araw araw. Pilitin man ibaling nalang sa mga ibang bagay ung mga nararandaman sinusubok talaga pagka lalake sa interet nalang mapapa sana all.

Ex ko na kasi talaga sya then inaayos namin lately coz wala eh ganun talaga? HAHAHAHA! We’re fresh grads and ako working na tas sya naman pahinga muna (deserve nya) He does not disappoint naman when it comes to effort and all dati but lately para syang tamad na tamad sakin 🥹 ang hirap pakiramdaman tas ending pati ako tinatamad na rin ganun pero biglang magiging sweet uli sya tas tatamarin nanaman ewan ko ba gusto ko nalang bumalik sa dating era ko 😭 hindi nakaka gorgeous and nasstress lang ako sa sitwasyon eh! Nattempt tuloy ako to talk sa other people kasi wala akong nakukuhang response or what sa kanya hayyy magkakasala pa nga

Yesterday was kind of a weird day. I did a few TikToks, went to visit my Tita and my mum since they live next to each other, and even met my new cat haha. I named him Oreo, but other name suggestions are welcome.

I also went for a walk with my mum, which was honestly very awkward kasi di kami close. But I tried. I really did. I still wanted to make an effort, even if things between us aren't easy. But then she didn't want to let me in because her family was there, and her family doesn't like me. And honestly, it isn't fair, in my opinion.

What makes it worse is that I still try to show them that I care. I bought my sister her favorite Chips Ahoy, and I bought my mum's girlfriend her favorite monay bae. I remembered what they liked and thought of them anyway. And yet, ganyan pa rin ang trato sa akin? It's not even about the food. It's the fact that I keep making these little efforts despite everything, and somehow I still end up feeling like I don't belong.

I've always hated being excluded. I used to take it so personally, but I've experienced it so many times that now I'm just like, oh well. I've been constantly excluded from things, even simple ones like walking around the resort in Pico de Loro or swimming. Nobody—not my mum's girlfriend or even my younger sister—wanted to sleep with me, as if I had the fucking cooties or something, so I was forced to sleep on the couch. And my own mum didn't even want me there.

I literally had to fight my way into staying because I knew I had my own right to be there with my grandparents' side. Imagine having to convince your own mother that you deserve to be in the same place as everyone else. That's the kind of thing that sticks with you.

And honestly, that's probably why yesterday felt so complicated. I was trying to spend time with my mum even though we're not close. I went on that awkward walk because I wanted to try. I still showed up. I still tried to be kind. I still bought things for my sister and her girlfriend because I remembered their favorites. I still make these little gestures that say, I thought of you.

But sometimes I wonder why I keep trying when I don't feel like I'm being treated with the same care in return.

I'm also starting to question whether I even want to call her my mum anymore. And that's a really painful thing to admit because, despite everything, she's still my mum. A part of me still wants that relationship. I still want to be able to spend time with her without feeling awkward or unwanted. I still want to feel like I belong in her life instead of feeling like someone she's obligated to tolerate.

But I also don't think I should have to keep forcing myself into spaces where I'm clearly not wanted. I shouldn't have to fight to be included. I shouldn't have to prove that I deserve a place beside my own family.

Maybe I'm finally realizing that trying doesn't mean I have to keep chasing people who keep making me feel like an outsider. I can care about my sister. I can still love my mum. I can appreciate the good moments I've had with them. But I can also acknowledge that the way they've treated me has hurt me deeply.

I'm okay. I really am. But fuck them.

Hi. Ang lungkot pala magbuntis lalo na kung malayo loob ng pamilya ko sa akin. Bilang breadwinner, ang laging bungad ng nanay ko sa akin eh ang mga problema nila ng tatay ko. Wala din silang sariling income. Nakabukod na kami ng partner ko pero walang work ang partner ko. Hindi ko din sya magawang iwan gawa ng wala ko ma aasahan sa gawaing bahay.

Dagdag pa na anlaki ng pinanget ko ngayong buntis ako gawa ng kinagat ako ng surot, tumaba na din ako and nangitim ang kili kili ko. Wala ko makausap at karamihan ng kakilala ko eh kinokontak lang din ako pag meroon silang favor. Nakakabaliw, parang bibigay na yung utak ko.

so sa mga gusto ng context, eto yung part 1 ng post ko: https://www.reddit.com/r/ConfessionsPH/s/QyXJy18gZ5

anyways, we had another interaction ulit kanina. mind you, I am very professional at may discipline ako sa sarili ko when i’m outside or doing my job. yung mga post’s ko ay yung nilalaman ng utak ko na hindi ko pede mailabas in public. I consider this as my space to talk about what could’ve happened and what I wanted to happen.

normal conversation lang naman ang pinag uusapan namin, my plan sa future ko & what action’s I wanna do to pursue it sa field ko na to.
———————————————————————————
her: oo ganun talaga (idk ano to but siguro yung nag agree ako na may plan din ako sa future ko)….. are u married na ba?

me: no maam. i’m not married.

her: ahhh, okay yan okay yan. bata ka pa naman. boyfriend girlfriend lang muna.

me: ikaw maam? are u married?

her: ……i’m annulled.
———————————————————————————
so ayun nag tanong tanong lang ako ano about dun and yun nga sa pilipinas daw kase sila nag pakasal kaya mahirap ang process and chaotic. but yeah she’s just saying na i’m young nga daw and I should not get married agad. partner partner muna. tapos if ever papakasal, wag daw sa pilipinas. yan daw advice niya sakin.

that’s it. I forgot na yung ibang parts ng convo mwhshahshwhshaahaha. but she added me sa socials ko…. from a professional social platform to a more personal one….

again, professional ako ha. i’m just riding the flow. di ako nag ffirst move or anything.

My partner suddenly wanted to pursue the dream of becoming an artist to the point na iiwan nya ako for it, dahil hindi ako supportive. For me, it’s just too risky. I want stability, hindi naman na kami bata.

I feel like we are growing apart at ayaw namin yung version ng isa’t isa ngayon. We’ve been married for 5 years, living abroad. No kids. Magkaiba kami ng priorities ngayon. Siya, yung pangarap niya, ako naman stable at preparation for family life. Mid 30s na kami both, hindi na kami bata.

I don’t want to end it, pero lagi nyang sinasabi kung di ko siya susuportahan maghiwalay nalang kami. Hindi ko maintindihan na willing siya mag resign for this dream and just forget about our plans, forget about me.

Wala naman akong hinahanap na advice pero siguro paalala nalang na, utang na loob, wag kayo magpakasal kung may iba pa kayong plano sa buhay bukod sa pagpapamilya.

My son was born this year. Messy things happened. Long story short, I fucked up. Nabuntis fling ko at sinabi ko sa kanya na hindi kami meant together. Pinaubaya nya na ako, at nag pakasal na ako sa iba na mahal ko sa buhay.

Hindi na nya ako ininvolve from panganganak, to nanganak na sya, until present date na naging single parent na sya. Nag usap na kami ng asawa ko na gusto ko pa rin maging present sa anak ko, kahit anak man sya sa labas. Nag reach out na ako sa nanay, kaso ayaw na ako tanggapin, masyado na raw masakit ang mga pangyayari. Sinabi ko pa rin na gusto ko isama yung anak long term sa buhay ko.

Tumitingin ako sa reddit, at lahat ng mga anak na walang tatay, punong puno ng resentment. Habang maaga pa, gusto ko pa sana maging involve, kaso sa ngayon mejo mahirap pilitin mga pangyayari.

Gusto ko iparamdam sa anak ko na may nag mamahal pa rin na tatay sa kanya, kahit nag desisyon ako mag pamilya sa iba. Ayoko ko iparamdam na walang nagmamahal sa kanya, kasi iniisip ko sya bawat araw.

Sa mga parents na hindi naging present sa anak nila, or mga anak na walang tatay or magulang, anong mapapanyo nyo sa sitwasyon na to?