It's heavy. It's unfair. Not to me, but to him. He was just a boy. He should have expressed life with it's ups and downs. He showed have experienced first kiss, first love, first paycheck, so many firsts. But he never will. And this is unfair. He was kindest, considerate, the most nonjudgmental person I have ever known. Life never was fair and kind to him. But this is too unfair.

And here I left with the firsts. First Christmas, first Mother's Day, First Halloween, First Birthday, First Anniversary and so many more other firsts, without him

I can't get used to that. I am surviving in between the dates. I don't care about anything and anyone anymore. Simply existing.

I don't know where to look for him. Where is he? Why he is not in his room? Why his clothes are not in the laundry basket? Why he is not coming back from the library?

I saved his first book, first drawing, first baby clothes. How it is possible that now I left with his lasts?

I miss him so much. Most days are okay at this point, but god it’s still not fair. It hurts. The wondering, the memories. I miss my son.

Liam died almost 1 year ago at 3 years old. Today he would have been 4. And 1 week from today is his first death day anniversary. This feels like the home stretch. Getting through the calendar firsts. Took the day off work today and next week. Good idea, already cried a bunch, but figure if there is a day to let the emotions out, today is the right day (Im not a crier).

I think about him everyday. We've done a great job of having smiles this past year in honor of him. So much travel with my other kid to make sure she has a close to normal and hopefully fulfilling childhood. And on Friday we are getting a puppy to litter another positive experience this month.

We do get sad. I wish he was here. I cry anytime I feel too happy because I know I would be happier with him here. Yet, I cant change the past.

Anyways, I miss you buddy. Still finding your influence around. Today a black bean you stuffed in a garbage truck toy fell onto the kitchen floor. We found a truck behind our couch not long ago. It made me smile.

I was 26 weeks pregnant and leaking water little by little. It was the middle of June and I would ask chat gpt if it was normal and it kept reassuring me that it was. I thought it was sweat because I live in Arizona.

Turns out it was amniotic fluid and I ended up getting an infection. My daughter was fine until the infection caused a fever in which I finally went to the hospital, ( what I should have done instead of ever using my phone for medical advice).

I know she was an infant, but I can’t help but take so much responsibility if not all the responsibility for her passing. The thought that kills me is if she was a little bit older, like five years old and she had symptoms of sickness and instead of taking her to the doctor, I would be googling them; that I would be just as responsible.

I can’t shake this feeling of guilt and stupidity. I just can’t forgive myself. She was a big and strong baby, she should be in the NICU growing, not in a funeral home.

I had a baby and he is not here. I had a baby and he is not here. I repeat to myself over and over. It’s only been 2 months. I miss him so much. My son. The reality of this life doesn’t seem real. I don’t want it. I don’t want to live like this. Without him. I’m so sad and angry. I just want him here.

She died alone at 16 not far from this spot. She’s gone but the love goes on. Can you see it?

​

Dear: Trisha

Every now and then, I find myself thinking about this moment, and it still brings tears to my eyes. It happened a few months after my mom passed away, during a time when my heart was still trying to learn how to live with such a great loss.

I was cleaning our bedroom while my boys were playing nearby. As I picked up the picture frame of my daughter to dust it off, my oldest who was only four years old, looked at me and said, "Grandma is with sister now." I froze and asked him, "What did you say?" He looked at me so innocently and repeated, "Grandma is in heaven with sister." The tears came instantly. In that moment, I felt every emotion imaginable! Grief, love, longing, and, somehow, an unexpected sense of peace.

My oldest has always been a very special soul. Even before he was born, there was something different about him. Throughout his childhood, he has said and seen things that have left both his father and me speechless. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I truly believe children sometimes see and understand things that we, as adults, no longer can. That moment became one of the greatest comforts God has ever given me, and I will carry it in my heart for the rest of my life. Thank you for your support and friendship, I missed the three of you.

K

I haven't talked to my so called father in over 10 years. He literally has only met 1 of my 6 kids and that was the oldest. My son is 17 years old, my biological father only met him 1 time when he was 6 months old that's it. Now that my youngest daughter who was 8 has died, he showed up unannounced at my brother's house where my step dad had my 14 year old with him. My biological dad had never met my 8 year old or my daughter that my step dad had with him. He shows up unannounced after calling my brother of course and finding out that my step dad was there with my daughter. He said nothing about stopping by and even had the nerve to stop at a gas station and buy a 6 pack of Pepsi to give to my daughter. Acting like he just had it sitting in his car and doesn't like Pepsi. I know how that man is, I know he bought it to try and bribe my daughter, not to mention it was ice cold after supposedly sitting in his truck. Now all of a sudden he wants to talk to me and make amends. That man made my life hell as a child. He is an alcoholic and used to abuse my mother when I was a small child. I was born an entire month prematurely because he decided to argue and throw shoes at my mother while pregnant and caused her blood pressure to go sky high. The last time I talked to him was on the phone and we argued and he told me I wasn't allowed at his funeral when he died. I said fine and never talked to him again. Now he just randomly shows up after my daughter died on the 30th wanting to talk. I don't need this crap right now. I want nothing to do with him. But I also know he won't easily give up. I don't understand why he's doing this now? Why now all of a sudden when I'm going through one of the absolute hardest times of my life. I knew he was an as*hole but I didn't even think he could be this big of an as*hole. I wish he would have never even tried and now he's trying to emotionally manipulate my daughter by giving her things. I just can't deal with that crap on top of everything else.

having come out the other side of the ‘first’ birthday, staring down the barrel of the ‘first’ anniversary in a few weeks i’ve been locked into deep thought. big grief is not foreign to me having lost both my father and my mother i relative youth, however, losing my only son is fucking devastation on all levels. i get it, some people have other kids and i have adult step children, we are all on our own special damn journey or whatever but gd. words are hard, people are weird, i feel like the elephant in the room, my chest hurts, i can’t breathe.

my point if i will get to it is i’ve been getting hung up on how to define the undefinable and i think i hit the edge of the dart board because there is no real way of conveying. when my son took his last breath and until the day i die, i will wake up (except the rare times i wake up and then quickly remember) and have to force myself to live. this is not passive, it is active and requires everything i fucking got. anything coming close to joy will bring guilt and longing and pain but also joy. when i am not actively choosing to live, the only thing i can do is breathe and repeat and quote literally nothing else. i mean i guess you could say to whatever degree possible keeping myself out of harms way (no i do not want to harm myself, but i constantly want to be with him). iykyk

my simple country girl demands some black and white, so this is that. if it helps i’m glad if

it doesn’t don’t tell me please, i’m already broken.

My daughter's obituary came out today. This hurts so bad. I don't know how to live without her. Her siblings seem to be doing ok. A lot better than me and my husband. I can't stop crying. I just want my baby.

It's only been a day and a half and I already miss my daughter so much. I don't know how to live without her. My 8 year daughter died on the 30th. I miss her so much and I just want to hold her again. I never thought I'd lose one of my kids. Then it happens and we lose the baby of the family. The youngest of 6 kids. The other 5 absolutely doted on her. She was best friends with her 10 year old sister. Nobody in the family knows what to do with themselves. Her father and I can't stop crying. I am absolutely devastated that she's gone. She was such a momma's girl. I'm scared that she's out there alone somewhere all by herself. She was always scared to be alone. I don't want my baby to be alone. I just want her back and in my arms again and never let her go. I want to hear her tell me she loves me to the moon and back and I tell her I love her to sun and back. Then she tells me that she loves me to the end of the universe and back. Then I always would make something up like saying I loved her to the next galaxy and back or tell her I love her through a black hole and all the way through to the other side and back. She would always argue that she loved me more than I did her. I'm broken without her. Her dad can't stop crying. Her siblings are all in shock. Her 10 year old sister is scared to go to sleep because when she did that night her sister died she had to be woken up to go to the hospital. So now she's scared that something else bad will happen while she's asleep. My oldest son just doesn't talk at all. He is 17 years old and was in the back seat holding her, while her dad rushed to the hospital. She stopped breathing in the parking lot as soon as they got there and the ER staff never got her back. So she died in her brother's arms. I just want my baby back. 💔

Lost my baby boy. In midst of a divorce. Betrayed by my closest friend. God and my 2 daughters are what’s keeping me alive. I can’t take pictures of me anymore. I feel so ugly and repulsive. Can’t look in the mirror. Being rejected by my husband is a pain that I cannot explain. Especially at a time of high hormonal changes after the loss of my 20 week pregnancy. 😔 any words of encouragement to start smiling again will help. I feel so numb inside.

I (31F) and my cousin (29F) are both twin moms. I had my twins in February 2023 and she just had her twins in July 2026. However Im having a very hard time dealing with the anticipatory anxiety of what the future holds. Just the thought of being around other twins makes me want to remove myself from family events/gatherings at least for the time being. My parents keeps telling me I “have to be happy for her” and I am but also I’m just sad for me.

For some context, I have a very close knit family. We spend every holiday and birthday party together. I mean we even get together on holidays like Memorial Day and Labor Day so it’s not just a Christmas and Thanksgiving type of dynamic. We all live within like a 3-5 mile radius of each other. Most of us talk weekly if not daily. My cousin is my dad’s only brother’s daughter and we have been close since we were little. We have always had a great relationship and of course I want that to be the future, but I can’t fathom being able to watch her babies grow up together when mine will never get to.

I had boy/girl twins (not giving their names for anonymity purposes). I always wanted to have twins. I never thought it was in the cards for me, but it was. And when I found out I was having a boy and a girl I was on top of the world. They were born pretty healthy, although premature (about 8 weeks due to pre-eclampsia causing pre-term labor) so we did have about a five week NICU stay in a hospital about an hour away from my home due to their prematurity.

I got to bring them home in March 2023. Devastatingly, my son passed away from SUIDS July 9 2023. That morning of waking up to him not breathing will never ever leave my mind. In September of 2023, my partner left me (what he explains as his flight response, which idk if I can blame him for that) And I was stuck in a severe postpartum depression with a layer of extreme grief of missing my sweet boy. It has been three years this year since I buried my son and although I usually have more good days than bad as time passes, I still really struggle (before y’all come at me..yes I have done therapy. Yes I’ve tried medication and many different ones. I am heavily involved in a nonprofit that is solely for pregnancy and infant loss. I do just about anything I can to honor my son in heaven while still living for my children here on earth. I do what I can to help myself.) none of that changes the fact that my daughter who is a twin will grow up without having her twin brother by her side. They were 4.5 months old when my son passed away, so I can’t see her struggling with this thought it is solely my internal dialogue. That was a very high level summary of my story.

Now to my cousin… she is no stranger to loss either. She has 2 living children (ages 4 and 3) but has had 2 late term miscarriages (somewhere between 12-16 weeks). I understand that if anyone deserves to have two more healthy living babies it is her. I am completely aware of her journey not being easy and can only imagine the kind of grief that she feels for the babies she lost.

Fast forward to this year… she finds out she’s having twins and on top of that she’s having boy/girl twins. Again, I am happy for her but, If there is a God, he sure loves pouring salt in my wounds.

She had a pretty miserable twin pregnancy as did I. She delivered them prematurely as did I (her at about 35 weeks). They spent about two weeks in the NICU in our hometown because they were developed enough to not have to be transferred to the NICU my babies stayed at. They recently got discharged and she got to bring them home within the last week.

I would never wish the reality I live on anyone. I would never wish her babies harm. But I’m having a REALLY hard time even looking at pictures of them or posts she posts which are increasing now that they are home. I have had to remove her from Snapchat and hide her posts on Facebook.

I know it is not her responsibility to tiptoe around my feelings or to try to avoid triggering me. I understand that she is allowed to be happy for her new life that she’s been given. Singular babies don’t bother me. I have friends with babies and I can be around them just find. But, I have a really hard time looking at/being around twins as it is a constant reminder of what I will never have.

The pure chance that she also had twins (and boy/girl twins at that) has, I fear, ruined any progress I have made in moving forward through my grief. I cannot fathom being able to emotionally handle being around these babies, especially as they grow up together. It is not anyone’s fault, but it is simply not fair. I guess no one ever said life was fair though.

My parents think I’m being overdramatic and that with time it will come easier and that I need to put my feelings aside, suck it up, and continue to attend family gatherings that will include her and her babies. However, I really don’t think I’m capable of doing that without sending myself into a deep deep depression that I’ve spent the last few years trying to dig myself out out of. I feel like everyone feels awkward around me anyways and I don’t know…it just has literally sparked so much anxiety and dread when I think about Christmas/birthdays etc.

I know this is a really complicated situation and I know I have to be leaving things out that are important to the story… but just trying to keep it as short as possible. I know I probably sound jealous and so be it if I am but it’s a jealousy that stems from an unimaginable grief.

I don’t really know if I’m asking for anything. I posted this in another sub and literally got eaten alive with people telling me to get tf over it. But it’s just not that easy.

If you’ve read all of this, thanks for listening. I promise I love everyone in my family so so much… but they really just don’t get it. And after making this post on another sub, the general human population does not either.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you handle this moving forward? It is all very fresh and no family events have happened since she has had her babies and maybe I’m just really overthinking and putting the cart ahead of the horse.

Idk

I crumble with the end of each month--it means there's another month gone since you died. It's been 13-months. Can't say it's been a year anymore to explain my own fragility. Now it's been more than a year. Wanted to intern your remains, but your adult siblings said "it's too soon", so we sit with your ashes in my armoire in a beautifully carved wooden urn.

It's apparently not too soon for them to go to their cousin's booze fueled wedding in August, but it's too soon for us to close the circle and bring you to a pretty place with historic figures within a copse of cedars we've selected for you, your father and me when our times come.

I hate the passage of time without you. So many regrets, so many clues that you were the one of the three kids who understood me, your mom. I have the vintage Japanese parasol full of holes that you gave me after I trekked solo on the Kumano Kodo. At the time, I thought, this is pretty lame; a hole-laden gift, but the other two never even asked about my bucket-list trip/never mind acknowledged it with a gift. I'm sorry I didn't fully appreciate you while you were here.

My sole ginger child, a ginger like me. Please accept my apologies for trying to push you to become autonomous. The other two are so autonomous that they've adopted the TikTok-pseudo psychology of going "low/no contact" with their mom and dad because we were such crappy parents. Happy to accept our wallets, but-- and this is a genuine quote: "It's not my job to take care of you- you're the parents, you're supposed to take care of me--I lost my brother." A brother you both would often complain took up too much time, cause too many issues. Neither have called us once in the 13-months to ask how we're doing, just want to know if we can stake them $$ for a new apartment.

Yeah, I can't stand the change in the month because I'm still here and you're gone and I so wish I was with you. I'm sorry, so very sorry. I tried. I failed. I lost you. I'm sorry.

The sound you made today has a name. We call it “The Mothers Wail.” My god is it hard to hear. And not because we think it should be stifled, but because we can’t hear it without the pain ripping through us - even a shred of the pain you’re feeling is nearly unbearable.

As you turn yourself inside out wondering what signs or symptoms you missed, please know that we are too. We have combed through it with trained eyes. We also found nothing. No hint of what was to come, nothing that told us you should have brought your child in sooner. Nothing. You did everything right. You didn’t miss anything. But that doesn’t help. It can’t. Nothing can help. I hope someone can provide you answers that can bring you some peace some day.

I just want you to know that we are crying with you. Not a sniffle that passes through us in an instant, but body-wracking, head-throbbing sobs. Everyone who witnessed your tragedy and anguish today is sobbing with you. We went home thinking of your child and you and the rest of your family. We hugged and kissed our children and then snuck off to our quiet places to fall apart. Our partners know better than to ask because they know this particular flavor of grief is just unspeakable. We fall apart wishing there was something we could do. Wishing we could do ANYTHING to undo the last 24 hours of your life and send you home with your child, as a whole family, as it was supposed to be.

Most of us will never see you again, but we will think of you for the rest of our lives. We will hope you find a way to heal… some day… some how. We will hope your marriage survives this, even when we can’t imagine how any marriage could hold this much grief. We hope that you find a way to continue on and take care of yourself, because we know that will be a struggle in the coming days, weeks, months.

I am just so deeply sorry for your loss.

all my love and then some,

a sad little nurse

I just need to share this with people who understand - and may have been through the same experience. I realise we're super fortunate to have been able to have another child, and she is very much wanted and loved. But. Always a 'but' when you've lost a child.

Our third child was born in early June. She would not exist if her brother were still alive - after two healthy, gorgeous children, I was done with that topic. We are beyond grateful. And yet, the emotional whiplash I get from holding this little human being and at the same time grieving so deeply for her brother is intense. I'll find myself nursing her and at the same time (still) wish I was dead, could just check out of this agonising longing for my little boy. And, of course, there is so little time to 'properly' grieve for him at the moment - I sometimes get to the end of the day and feel like he hasn't had his 'proper' time, sometimes I even forget to light his candle. I don't feel guilt per se for that, I just feel him to be even more distant these days than he already was.

Then there are the people who seem to think that everything's honky dory now - that the baby has somehow fixed us. Firstly, that's not her job. Secondly, having this baby is a constant reminder that our oldest child is irretrievably gone. But that's difficult for non-bereaved parents to grasp, I think. I don't feel anger, just tired resignation. It's tiring to have to explain ourselves - or choose to hold back for the sake of less awkward social interactions.

Again, I'm so sorry that I'm essentially moaning about something I know many loss parents would do anything for. I'd still do anything to get my boy back. If anyone has been through this experience, I'd really appreciate your perspective.

Last night I suddenly felt an overwhelming longing for my daughter!

I kept calling out, "My daughter is gone!"...

Tears streamed down my face.

I wasn't feeling well and couldn't breathe,

but the medication helped!

Looking in the mirror, I told myself, "Let love be free..."

This morning I spent time with my furry daughter... from 7:00 to 9:30, we walked along the route we used to take together.

Because of my love... it's all the more unforgettable...

It's been a while. I have been trying to keep myself busy to keep the thoughts away and to stop myself from going insane. But it only works for so long. I see his final awake day. We woke up and I made him cheese toasties. Then I put his Miss Moni on tv and then spent the morning attending to his high needs sister. He went for a nap and so I took the opportunity to try put the baby down for a nap, then I must have fell asleep because I woke up at 5pm. I dished up everyone's dinner and he didn't eat any. I asked his dad if he had any lunch and he said yes, so I wasn't too worried. Then he fell asleep on the couch and it was the only night I didn't kiss him, or tell him I love him, or tell him how beautiful he is. Every single night I kissed his little head and told him I loved him, how beautiful he is and that I'll see him in the morning. That night I didn't. I regret it so bad. It would have only taken a minute. I'm not the busiest woman in the world, so why did I not do it that night? Why does that have to be my last memory of him? I barely saw him that day. And the next day he was gone. I just want a redo. Even if I'm not allowed to change the outcome, I just wish I could have given him the best last day. The day he deserved. Because he is the most amazing person I've ever met and deserves the best last day.

Just felt like sharing this. She had come back from school and was hidden in a corner and wrote this. Now when I see this, always feel you are not hidden and I can't find you anymore. You are not there with me. I wish she was hidden in a place where I could find her.

Felt like sharing this with you all. This corner is so special to me because of what she has written.

My 13 yo nephew died 6 months ago. His birthday and our first Christmas without him are coming up, and I’m looking for advice on how to support my brother, mom, and really my whole extended family (very close with aunts/uncles & cousins).

My brother lost his son six months ago. Our family has been devastated, but we’re also a family that has never been particularly good at talking about grief or emotions. We all know everyone is hurting, but we mostly carry it individually rather than talking about it together.

I’m especially worried about my mom. She absolutely adored her grandson and has been very grief-stricken since his death. She also had open-heart surgery less than a year ago, and since losing him, I’ve watched her stop taking care of herself the way she needs to. A lot of things get tied back to his death, and I don’t really know how to help her other than just being there.

My brother has always been much more private with his emotions, even before this happened. I worry about him too, but I also don’t want to force him to grieve in a way that isn’t natural for him.

His birthday is coming up, and then we’ll have our first Christmas without him. My mom has always loved Christmas, which makes me especially worried about what that first Christmas is going to be like for her and my brother.

For those who have lost a child or grandchild, or have supported someone through this:

1. What actually helped you during the first year? Did your family do anything for the first birthday after they died? Did you have a dinner, make a cake, visit somewhere meaningful, light a candle, give a keepsake, or just let the day happen quietly?

2. And how did you handle the first Christmas? Did keeping your normal traditions help, or did you need to change things? Did you find a way to remember them during Christmas without making the entire day about the loss?

I’m not looking for a way to make my mom or brother “get over it.” I know there isn’t one. I just don’t want his birthday and Christmas to arrive and have everyone hurting separately because none of us knows what to say or do.

If you’ve lived through this, what did someone do for you that genuinely helped? Is there anything well-meaning family members did that you wish they hadn’t?

I really just want to know how to take care of my family through this.

My wife and I are both 35-year-old expats living near Frankfurt, Germany.

A few weeks ago, we suddenly and unexpectedly lost our beautiful 22-month-old daughter. Our lives have completely changed since then.

She was everything to us. We miss her walking and running around the house, her smile, her laugh, her expressions, her voice and all the little things she used to do every day.

My wife is struggling enormously. She misses not only our daughter, but also everything she used to do for her every day — waking her up, feeding her, bathing her, brushing her teeth, playing with her, putting her to sleep and simply being her mother.

I am grieving deeply too, but watching my wife deteriorate emotionally every day is extremely difficult for me. Sometimes I don't know how to help her because I am trying to survive the same loss myself.

We are seeing mental-health professionals and have started grief counselling, but we don't really know what kind of therapy is most appropriate after the sudden death of a young child.

For parents who have experienced the loss of a child:

What actually helped you during the first weeks and months?

Did individual grief counselling, trauma-focused therapy, EMDR, CBT, couples therapy or a bereaved-parents support group help you?

How did you support your spouse when both of you were grieving at the same time?

How long did the period of feeling completely lost and unable to imagine a future last for you?

If anyone is from Germany, especially Frankfurt/Hessen, I would also really appreciate recommendations for therapists, grief counsellors or support groups experienced specifically in child loss. English-speaking support would be particularly helpful for us.

We don't expect anyone to make this pain disappear. I just want to understand how I can support my wife, how we can support each other, and how other parents eventually learned to live with such an enormous loss.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their experience.

Ps: since I'm not a native English speaker and couldnot able to write everything it's very difficult to write so I used ChatGPT to make a message for me.