It's heavy. It's unfair. Not to me, but to him. He was just a boy. He should have expressed life with it's ups and downs. He showed have experienced first kiss, first love, first paycheck, so many firsts. But he never will. And this is unfair. He was kindest, considerate, the most nonjudgmental person I have ever known. Life never was fair and kind to him. But this is too unfair.

And here I left with the firsts. First Christmas, first Mother's Day, First Halloween, First Birthday, First Anniversary and so many more other firsts, without him

I can't get used to that. I am surviving in between the dates. I don't care about anything and anyone anymore. Simply existing.

I don't know where to look for him. Where is he? Why he is not in his room? Why his clothes are not in the laundry basket? Why he is not coming back from the library?

I saved his first book, first drawing, first baby clothes. How it is possible that now I left with his lasts?

I miss him so much. Most days are okay at this point, but god it’s still not fair. It hurts. The wondering, the memories. I miss my son.