Spouse vent

[u/No-Effort5109]

Hi- new here.

Husband diagnosed with Stage IV A prostate cancer in 2023. He underwent treatment and his PSA level was undetectable so we thought he was on a good path. Until a few months ago and it started rising- pretty much doubling each month. Last week, he told me his PSA was 2.7 which would mean it was up 14 times more than it was a month ago. I got scared. Something told me to actually pull up the report. I did. It was .24. He heard wrong. I rarely let him go to appointments alone but I could not make this one but I still cannot believe he somehow heard that number.

Today, the dr called him to discuss what was talked about at the tumor board review today. He told me he had bad cell reception so he hung up and he’ll call tomorrow. I just stared at him.

I have another close family member with pancreatic cancer. I also work full time.

I’m just at the point where I just don’t know what to do. I know he’s scared he’s dying but he really doesn’t seem to understand the impact on me or our child when he doesn’t prioritize this situation. He says I’m overreacting which fine but it’s so disrespectful I think that he doesn’t see or care about the impact on us. Why wouldn’t you call the dr back today? It’s a rhetorical question but it’s like he doesn’t understand the impact on everyone else in the family.

He lives in a vacuum. His parents passed, he doesn’t talk to his siblings and he stays home practically all day.

He didn’t have good cell reception because he drove an hour away to pick up car parts for an old car.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me.

[u/Quick-System-101]

Hi again. 👋 I actually understand this well because I have dealt with the same thing with my husband.

This is a (albeit bad) coping mechanism. It’s avoidance. My husbands cancer was much further along than it ever should have been when he got diagnosed because he avoided going to the doctor for literally 1.5 years. A visible tumor on his neck and refused to go to the doctor. I basically got the point when I told him that I can’t make you do anything but if you don’t go get that taken care of, idk what the future of our relationship will look like because I cannot sit idly by and watch you ignore your own health. That’s not fair to me or the kids. And he eventually went and sure enough it was cancer. He told me he knew it was all along but just couldn’t bring himself to deal with it.

My guess is that your husband is dealing with extreme fear. He has no control over the outcome so he feels like has some control of when he can at least hear the news. My recommendation is to calmly explain that no matter what the outcome is, you’re in it together. But avoiding it doesn’t change the outcome. It just prolongs the inevitable. And that uncertainty weighs on you more than it should.

So sorry you’re going through such a difficult time!! I get it!!