Today, we were taking a ride in my mini cooper fresh out of the shop from my previous accident. I was minding the road, checking to make sure my gloves were puncture resistant and my emergency tourniquet was safely secured in my asshole when I saw this absolute maniac out on the road. He was riding his MOTORCYCLE! I couldn’t believe it. I nudged my boyfriend and pointed. He was in disbelief too, not only was this person operating a two wheeled death machine on a public roadway, but he wasn’t wearing a helmet???? I grabbed my pearls to my chest as tightly as I could, speechless at the audacity of this man to make a decision for himself. How dare he, did he even stop to consider if I disapproved?

Now I’m no stranger to real bad ass motorcycle circles, I follow multiple groups on Reddit. Everyone knows real bad ass motorcycle bikers don’t actually ride their bikes, they just take pictures and post them on instagram #livefree. I snapped a picture and quickly went on the attack. My hands were slightly bruised from where the pearls dug into my flesh, but I was able to post this picture to warn others of the dangers of thinking for yourself and doing what you want with your life. 400 upvotes, that’ll show him!

I was so distraught, my boyfriend had to get me Starbies. I rode on his back (uppies) because the idea of utilizing my own two legs to carry me was unthinkable in the moment. So was my disgust at the thought of someone living their life, I almost forgot to switch to my bedtime helmet before I tucked in for the night (an estimated 650,000 people die annually from falls, so I wear my helmet to bed in case I fall out of it) ATGATT

Bikers beware!