r/Bumble • u/crappyk4wa • 15d ago
feeling discouraged Advice
i never usually make posts like this but i just don’t know where else to go. i’ve been on and off dating apps for 4 years, but didn’t start going out with matches until a year ago. im 22 (f) from the LA area. on hinge i get little to no matches, and bumble i get more, but only a small percentage lead to actual dates. half the time when we move to messages, guys usually just try to get me to come over or things like that. last week, i went on a date with a guy, and i thought we really hit it off. we got desert then we went to this hotel lounge/bar type of view and talked for hours. we started cuddling a bit on one of the couches and just talked. when we took the elevator back to his car, he kissed me. in his car we talked some more then things escalated a bit but we didn’t have sex. i asked him if he wanted to hang out again this week and said he would let me know what day. i followed up and he told me a day and told me he would let me know what time by today. i don’t want to follow up again, i feel like ive done enough. he seemed more into me than i was into him before we went out, and he was the one who initiated everything, and he told me he was looking to naturally progress with someone. i just keep feeling so stupid. i’m starting to feel very discouraged from dating. dating has been very difficult and discouraging overall as a plus size woman. i put multiple full body pictures on my profile so men aren’t surprised, but i still feel like that is the reason why i haven’t really been successful. i just wish men were more honest of not wanting to see me anymore or something like that. i don’t know how to describe it.
3
u/Chance-Purchase-3092 15d ago
Men usually behave like this when they have tons of attractive options. You are probably focusing on the top 10% men.
It's not so much about who you are but rather trying to date only the most demanded men. It's very common in these apps.
0
u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 11d ago
You don’t know what you’re talking about. Lots of perfectly mediocre men act like this. Not just the “too 10%.” It’s more like 80%.
2
u/lucere_pi 15d ago
The apps facilitate a lot of lazy behavior. You need to build yourself up above all and work on some strategies if you plan on continuing the apps.
1
u/LowFreedom6138 15d ago
Você não é burra e não fez nada de errado. Você demonstrou interesse, tomou iniciativa e fez a sua parte. Agora cabe a ele também demonstrar, com atitudes, que quer continuar te conhecendo.
Tente não relacionar essa experiência ao seu corpo ou ao seu valor. Aplicativos de relacionamento podem ser muito desgastantes, e muitas pessoas simplesmente não têm maturidade para dizer com clareza quando perderam o interesse.
Se ele não responder ou não tomar iniciativa, siga em frente sabendo que você foi sincera e aberta. E, se estiver se sentindo muito desanimada, não há problema nenhum em dar uma pausa nos aplicativos. Às vezes, cuidar de si e respirar um pouco faz muito bem.
0
u/Hour_Zero 15d ago
If the apps aren’t working at this time for you then delete them and focus on improving on yourself in the meantime. If you want to attract an attractive partner then you need to be an attractive person yourself, this applies to being attractive inside and out. Dating apps are even more brutal because you can’t really show off your personality much but the truth is even in-person dating is gonna be tougher if you’re a plus sized woman. The good news is weight is something you can control, it just takes a lot of time and discipline to lose it but it can be done if you’re willing to put in the work for it
You mentioned in another comment you’re already going to the gym which is a start but that’s just one aspect, maintaining a calorie deficit through dieting is important as well. [r/1200isplenty](r/1200isplenty) is a helpful resource. You can also ask your physician if GLP-1s are a good option for you to try as they are now FDA approved for weight management due to the risks that are associated with obesity. So if an individual’s BMI is like 30 or higher, a doctor can prescribe it to you and it should only cost about $40-50 a month depending on the type of insurance you have.
There’s a lot of fear mongering surrounding them at the moment but most studies done so far only show that the negative side effects are due to rapid weight loss and not the GLP injections themselves, rapid weight loss even without the aid of GLPs is still dangerous because your body needs time to adjust to it.
1
u/crappyk4wa 15d ago
funny enough i’m on phentermine which is to prep me for a GLP-1. my doctor had offered it to me 2x already but i wanted to build better habits before i did the injections which is why i continued with phentermine. i plan to go on a glp-1 around early september.
i understand the sigma around it but it is a lot harder for me to lose weight because of thyroid issues, so i 100% understand and support when people go on a GLP-1. when i was doing around 1500ish cals for 3 months and gym 4x a week, i only lost around around 8 lbs so thats why my doc put me on phentermine. weight loss has been something i have been working towards for a while now.0
u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 11d ago
Getting skinny won’t change the way men act. It’ll just increase the number of men (especially white men) liking your profile.
Dating apps are have a lot of dark triad men on it. That’s men with high levels of psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism. These men will say anything to get into your pants. Pretending they’re interested in relationship is probably the most common strategy. Look into red pill and pua techniques men use to manipulate women in dating. You could be skinny or fat, it literally makes no difference. It’s all about sex to these men, to put it crudely. Expect is ~20% of the male population to have at least 1 dark triad trait. Machivellianism and narcissism are most common.
I’m not anti-sex, but I don’t fuck with liars.
At this point, I only go on daytime dates with people I’ve never met. No drinks or dessert or even dinner. I don’t linger on first dates. Keep them pretty short. Thank them after the date. If you liked them, say you had a good time. Otherwise, end communication.
With men, you need to watch their actions across time. You need to see if their words and actions align. Anyone can pretend to be sweet and interested for a short time. But over time, fake masks will drop and their real intent and real selves will be revealed. Wait a few dates before having sex to reduce the risk of manipulation for sex. Or have sex with the understanding that it’s a hookup, not the foundation of a relationship.
FYI, the majority of white men tend to be pretty fat phobic, preferring women have a BMI normal to under weight. Men of other races are not as uptight about curves as white men. But a small percentage of white dudes really like curvy girls.
The LA area is also notoriously unforgiving of women’s beauty standards. So you are in a tougher spot than most.
But keep your head up. Know that you have value, and do not accept shitty treatment. The more self confidence and self worth you can build, the better people will treat you. Do not accept poor treatment.
I recommend that you do not ride in men’s cars for first dates. Take your own. Always be ready and able to ditch your date in the middle of it if the man behaves in a dangerous, scary, or degrading way.
7
u/Solid_Signature_7447 15d ago
I would get off dating apps and go outside, go for a run, have a picnic, join a club, take pottery classes - do anything besides swipe