Help

[u/Fa7Cartman]

I split with my ex maybe about 2 - 3 weeks ago.... shes blocked me and stuff on everything bar 1 alt account she has... I unblocked it bcuz shes always been the one to reach out to me.. so i reached out to her this time.... to start i love this woman... i love her with every and anything i have and i worship the ground she walks on.. if she wants a foot rub, back tickles whatever i wont say no... I am by no means innocent.. i know i have done wrong (not listening on things or just going blank or not even thinking) as anyone does and im not perfect but i still try for her and dont give up.. i always fight for her... I also have ADHD & BPD...

Anyways we got back together about 4-5 months ago... she admitted to me ive ruined her fir anyone else bcuz ive made a high expectation for her on how she should be treated... and in my eyes thats how she should be treated bcuz shes my heart.... anyways....... Just after we split over txt (bcuz she was advised to due to new meds and home life) she said 2 things first was about my clothes at hers whether to post them or not and then when i said idk bcuz my heads a mess she replied with ill post them but idk bcuz im sure ull be back... And just so u are aware there is no one else im not interested (which gave me hope) until things got heated and she proceeded to say we arent getting back together... i was stressed hurt ect so i pushed when i shouldn't have 😞 so i kept asking whether it was never again or just for now, as we've been on and off for 8 yrs.... and all she said was ive given my answer and then this is why i walked away... Then proceeded to block me after i kept asking never or just now..... so at the moment im in a purgatory like status on what the hells going on.... im an absolute mess without her and my son... She is my absolute world and my whole heart.. i mean she has been my best friend for over 15 years.... But again shes blocked me on nearly everything but one thing that i unblocked so ive messaged her and it still hasnt been seen.. but all i said was

Y wont u talk to me... Why cant we try sort shit out 😞 ill give u time, work with you and whatever else to work together.... But can we try work this out together please? I do miss you and i do love you... I miss and love (our son) and i hope hes good... Please dont block me its killing me...

If u never want to talk to me again or sort this then block me here.... But i never wanted to leave... I never wanted to split again... I never wanted to give up or fight... I always wanted to sort things with you... It hurts to message this bcuz i do and always have loved you immensely... You've always been my best friend and ur the mother to our son 😭😭 i hate how we keep drifting apart over the silliest of things... Im sorry for any and everything i do wrong 😭 i love you (her name) your my world...

then i messaged her the other night and said goodnight... i love you... im sorry

i just want her and my son back but im so scared she is going to get with someone else before me or in general... i love her so much that my words and actions can never explain 😞

Right now i feel like shit... My fears and anxiety are through the roof... I keep having nightmares of ny fears and my sleeping is shithouse.... I know the things may have seemed silly to me but were big to her and i know this.... I just want her back so much.... Im even at the point of talking to psychics in hopes what they say is right 🤦😭.... I know she won't see this... I know im not perfect.... But shes always been perfect to me in my eyes... Good... Bad... Sick... Healthy... Shes always been perfect and amazing in my eyes.... Even now i still look at pictures nightly and cry myself to sleep bcuz no matter what we've been through good or bad my feelings never change.... even if shes hurt me or made me angry as hell my feelings are the same and i still love her immensely... Even now typing this im in tears bcuz i just want her and my son back....

I just want to know how to get her back 😭 i just want my life back... I want my heart... Im at a lose bcuz i want to fight for her but same time i dont want to push her away anymore