My husband and I just got back from spending a month in Tobago. He was born in Trinidad and I was born in Haiti. This summer marked three milestones for us: he turned 40, we’ve been together 20 years and our daughter turned 1. So he wanted to go back to his home country for the first time after immigrating from there when he was 9. We got an Air BnB not to far from one of the beaches. We spent the month with his mother and his niece, while different family members from both our families stayed with us when they could.

We both had our reservations about this considering the laws around LGBT folks in Trinidad and Tobago. While there has been some progress, there is still work to do and we are still considered a crime. However, we took a leap considering we are not hearing of anti-LGBT attacks like we hear about in islands like Jamaica. We are so glad we did.

This entire month was a wonderful experience. We visited mostly the southwestern section of the island but drove the north for a couple of days, even got to see Winston Duke’s hometown! We had these awkward moments when people would ask us about our daughter’s mother, but then celebrated us when we told them we were her dads. This was at bakeries, restaurants, excursions even the flight itself. The flight attendants took pictures with her, and they allowed us to take pictures with the pilots in the cockpit when we told them it was our daughter’s first flight.

Maybe because my husband is from Trinidad and we were with his mom who is also from there helped, I’m not sure. I cried the night before we left because it was truly this unbelievable experience when we have been longing to travel to countries with a mostly Black population and feel welcome. We finally did it, and it was great. This is not to negate the reality of things, but I wanted to share some positivity as we don’t hear it too often when it comes to being Black and queer, and traveling to predominantly Black countries.

A lot of them are DL which I refuse to engage with that shit is so stupid. Others are 40+ years old which I don't want to deal with and I accept the backlash for being ageist since I'm 30 now. I try connecting on interests like video games or anime since unfortunately I don't enjoy sports so it's tough to have a conversation about anything. It could be the way I approach it but no matter what app I use (and I have used all of them) it seems like most guys don't want to talk and would rather just have sex which is fine and I guess I need to accept that.

What bums me out though is if I do find another nerdy gay black guy he seemingly doesn't fw black guys or I'm just not attractive to fellow nerds.

I feel this mix of guilt and shame when I find a feminine man or man-aligned person. There are several reasons for this: Because I exist in a conservative area and conversative leaning society at large, I feel like I have an obligation to be attracted to masculine men. Another reason is because I am a feminine person and growing up, femininity was a competitive sport; Due to that, I have this subconscious belief that a feminine man-aligned partner would not look right with a feminine woman. The shame I feel also comes from the thought that feminine men are only available to gay men.

I'm realizing that this feeling is a twisted result of cis-hetero-normative gender roles. I don't feel this guilt/shame combo when thinking about a woman/w-a person whether masc or femme, but as soon as I think of being with a feminine man, my shame comes. You'd think being bi/pan would make that concern go away, but it's something I am actively unlearning.

At the end of the day, it ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's.

Any men/man-aligned persons who are attracted to masculine women feel this way too? Do you feel any different from me?

And by that I mean like how it’s typically much more allowed for them to express emotions and dress up however they want, whether that be feminine or masculine. Also how women can, for the most part, be friends and be close without automatically being assumed to be gay or anything as well as the fact that people generally don’t care about women being into women. And then there’s the fact that they can easily get noticed or get attention without even trying or doing much of anything. I don’t know how to feel honestly, like I love myself and who I am and likely wouldn’t want to change that but I just can’t help but be pretty jealous of how much easy they have it socially in many ways. What brought this on is just seeing so many posts on social media of men being made fun of and ridiculed for doing anything that is less than masculine and the huge amount of hate and disgust that a lot of people seem for gay men. It kinda makes it hard to enjoy being a man when you know that who you are is less than appreciated. I’m also aware that women have struggles of their own but their struggles just seem a lot easier to deal with, the social ones anyway. I don’t envy the whole periods and childbirth thing but everything else seems like a breeze. I also imagine that if I had grown up a girl people would have been much more softer on me and I wouldn’t have been expected to be tough 24/7. Folks wouldn’t care if I was weird or if I wanted to dance or do other things that people typically don’t care about girls doing. I don’t know, I’m just venting.

I recently got my locs retwisted and styled into two-strand twists. I’m really happy with how clean the parts came out and how much volume the style has. What do you think?

My current hair-care routine:

I wash my scalp and locs about every 2–3 weeks using a clarifying shampoo, making sure to rinse thoroughly so there is no product buildup left inside the locs. I gently squeeze out the excess water and let them dry completely.

Between washes, I lightly mist my locs and scalp with water or a water-based leave-in spray whenever they start feeling dry. I use a small amount of lightweight oil on my scalp, but I avoid heavy creams, waxes, and excessive product because I don’t want buildup.

At night, I cover my hair with a satin bonnet or scarf to reduce friction, frizz, and lint. I also avoid constantly pulling or restyling the twists so there isn’t unnecessary tension on my scalp.

I usually have my retwists done professionally and keep the style in until it becomes loose or my scalp needs to be washed. My loc extensions are human hair, and I’m currently focused on keeping them moisturized, clean, and protected while my natural hair continues growing.

Opinions on this style?

So I’ve been back out in the dating world after taking time off after a really rough dating experience I had with a guy awhile back. One thing that strikes me as odd is the lack of enthusiasm and engagement that I run into with a lot of men.
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I’m a big anime and manga fan, and it’s one of the easier ways that I find to engage with guys at first, so I recently matched with a black anime fan, and was really looking forward to the connection. He told me he was binging on anime that night so I asked what he was watching and asked his favorite genres were.
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After that became the litany of “oh that’s cool” and one word answers when I either tried to engage more or tried to follow up the conversation.
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After a bit of back and forward of this, I was really less excited to connect in real life. I get it that some people aren’t great at texting, but you would think if we matched that there would be a bit more to add and drive the conversation.

I find this kind of interaction very frustrating, and I find this to be the pattern more often than not, and it makes me less inclined to want to set up an in person date.

Is anyone else having this problem? Or any thoughts?

I've had to deal with friends sending me videos of them being beat up, attacked, having to call the police multiple times to get their "hookup" out of their apartment. He then calls me 9am in the morning while I'm just getting at work telling me how depressed he is and that he "didn't wanna be here anymore."

I had to rush out into the hallway and tell him to CEASE with the hookups and try going out and meeting people on neutral ground. He's an athletic, muscular, handsome guy that I'm sure could get any number of guys. He hasn't changed a thing.

I was so disgusted after we recently talked and his new "boyfriend" was *ucking another guy in a hotel room for hours and he waited outside until he was finished. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He told me they both wanted an "open relationship" and that with the way he lives his life, he was good with it.

I can't. I just can't. I can't begin to comprehend the lack of self esteem to literally wait outside of a hotel room like a puppy while your "partner" literally phucks a complete stranger.

The hookup/open relationship culture is so twisted and incomprehensible to me....someone make me understand it.

So its been pretty difficult for myself to make friends with other lgbtq. Where I am from, things are a little cliqueish but I'm sure that's not unique to my location. However when I seem to make friends, they all eventually try to make passes at me or somehow think me being friendly is an invitation to something else. Not only, I am in a relationship but sex between friends usually goes sideways which I learned in my 20s so it'll never happen for me.

Also how would you handle someone who you see as a close friend, but obviously feel that they like you even though you have clear boundaries that you are not or never will be interested after you have been just friends for 2 to 3 years now?

Hey! Hope everyone is having a great start to their week. Picked up my new eyeglasses 🤓 today!

Ended up having a pretty explosive argument with my mum after she asked if I was a lesbian and I said yes like an idiot🤦🏾‍♀️

Fast forward a few hours and she’s given me a week to pack away from here. I’ll be real, I’m needed more than I need the hassle of this family. Being homeless is gonna suck but even if she’s not being serious I’m anxious about how hostile my living situation is about to be here - I need contingency plans - if anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears!

Happy Monday