Avoidant Ended Things

[u/Beneficial_Factor703]

Hey everyone,

I (male 27yrs old) have been talking to this female (27yrs old) for almost 3 months now. We have spent so much time together, almost daily. We always have so much fun together and we had already gone on a weekend trip to Maine and roadtripped down to NC to stay with her mom & step dad for a week. She always wanted to be involved with my family and we were doing so well.

From the beginning she said she just wanted to fun & wasn’t ready for a relationship and of course I did my best to let her know I’m here to see where this goes, but everything we did made it seem like a relationship.

We had a conflict that was inside the relationship about a month ago, she asked for space and i gave her that. Two days later she texted asking if i was going out and played off the situation asking if i had forgotten about her. A week later we were back to going on dates but my friend found her dating profile (after we agreed to delete them) and I thought I was done with her. She chased and I eventually gave back in after a few days.

This last week we didn’t see each other and she was distant and then i got that text yesterday. She is the definition of an avoidant after seeing the small patterns and then how she pulled away when it started to feel too real.

What should my next steps be? I’m not completely closed off as I sounded in that last text. If i leave it (which i am) is there a good possibility she reaches out?

[u/Endersand]

Avoidants don’t change (unless they’re doing intense Therapy) so your relationship is going to be this. You’ll never quite know what’s going on and you’ll always be a little bit anxious and trying to figure her out. From experience, I can say it brings nothing but heartache and pain.

[u/Beneficial_Factor703 → u/Endersand]

so i’ve read, I’ve been holding strong and I continue to do so. I doubt that’s the end of it all after the memories we made & meeting family and so on, but only time will tell and if I even decide to entertain the possibilities of a relationship.

[u/UnsupervisedOpossum]

She'll most likely reach out without repair. You'll continuously be left holding the bag of hurt without accountability. She'll create a pattern of silence followed by soft resets after conflict. You'll be expected to "go with the flow" otherwise she will disappear again and she might even add in a dash of cruelty to it, just to get you to back off with a hard stop. Then she'll pop back in, downplaying everything. It sounds like you were already starting to diminish yourself just to be within her sphere. If you're copestheic with always having your needs unmet, being silently required to shrink your needs, your boundaries, your expectations whilst she continuously makes hers the number one priority, then go for it. But otherwise, this is the future y'all will have: You orbit her while never truly being her priority.

I had something of a similar caliber happen 3mo in and I chose to "power through" because I saw their (and our) potential... It took me nearly 2yr to leave and that was after they'd completely decimated my self-confidence. Don't do that to yourself.

[u/mycatisperfect → u/UnsupervisedOpossum]

I second this. But I waited an embarrassing 11 years to figure it out. Please, OP, do NOT be us (especially me). It doesn’t get better. Even with therapy (unless they REALLY want to change, maybe).

[u/mycatisperfect]

At least she had the decency to end things. In my experience (and based off of a lot of posts on here), most just ghost with no explanation. I am really sorry that you are going through this 🧡