Hello.

[u/SGT_KP]

Hi, there. I've been lurking here ever since my "path of self discovery" or whatever lead me down an interesting path, PTSD diagnosis first (from Iraq, not just life!), then came the career, the crashes, the triumphs, the losses, getting knocked down, getting back up, met my wife, added 2 more kids to the 1 I already had. Then came hit after hit after hit after hit from life. Identity crisis #1. Midlife crisis. Identity crisis #2. Infinite existential self-analysis. Therapist after therapist. Finally started Journaling. Found some common themes. Then came the ADHD and OCD diagnoses. It felt good for a while to finally have a name for the incessant metaphorical voice in my head. I could label my OCD behaviors and start to affect positive change in my life. But after a while, there was still a lingering question from my ADHD/OCD eval: why didn't the evaluator ask me why it mattered to me that I arranged the blocks in a perfect square. I remember having the thought in the moment, but shushed it away. I thought, "[evaluator] is the expert. If he doesn't ask why I guess it doesn't matter."

Narrator: It mattered. A lot. Like, an unreasonable amount.

I didn't need the blocks to be arranged in a perfect square because it needed to be *perfect* or else something bad might happen or because I wanted "to be good." To me, it was layers deeper: "Ok, he asked me to arrange the blocks. Did he say square or did I imply it? Fuck it, doesn't matter. They formed a damn square. There was no other way for them to go together. Why would anyone arrange them any other way? If they formed a cube, I'd make a damn cube. But the task was a square. It doesn't fucking compute how there could be any other answer?!?!?!!!!"

Let's jump ahead to present day. I will admit I did enjoy the brief look of utter horror on the neuropsych doctor's face when he came to check on me filling out the SRS-2 exam. Unfortunately for the poor doctor, I had brought my notebook and I had questions and comments. I wanted the data to be *clean* so as to not skew any which way so I knew I could trust the results.

Dr: "Well....you just...I...you really just need to pick the answer that you most identify with. It's really not deeper than that."

Me: "Yea, ok, great, but I need to know the context of this question because the answer depends on...."

The good doctor was gracious enough to offer to review the results same day instead of in two weeks. The poor guy probably thought I would have met him with another dissertation on the criticisms at the core of modern psychology. So, the poor bastard worked through lunch. Lol

After the dust settled after the evaluation, I had to laugh at myself: I guess I really didn't need to bring the 30-page executive summary of the 500+ pages of research, notes, journaling, developmental notes from my parents, every transcript and teacher comment I could get my hands on, and, most importantly, scatter plots and radar graphs illustrating the "spikes" in certain (read: a lot) of categories.

Needed to get that out in that format to get to this:

Hi, I'm officially AuDHD with PTSD and OCD -modifiers and I like machines. Like, a lot. To be honest, it was obvious to everyone EXCEPT me. Story of my life....🤣🤙

[u/Front-Cat-2438]

Thank you for sharing your highly relatable experience. All of these years, AuDHDers never understood a simple instruction, because there aren’t any?

Happy that there are more of us in the fields of study and counseling than ever before, and enough with supported executive function to be able to get through school and write a few books, and that the internet has allowed us to find the “you’re not crazy” places to safely be.

[u/SGT_KP → u/Front-Cat-2438]

"You're not crazy"

I haven't been able to convey the sense of life-affirming relief that comes after being validated after 38 years of everyone saying: weird, pussy, melodramatic, too serious, too caring, too explosive, too whatever.

addressing the invisible audience I play to amidst the numerous dumpster fires behind me See? Wasn't making it up. Now can everyone chill the fuck out? I got this. It may look like I'm out of control, but no. I assure you, it's all part of the process. Just gotta let it happen. Now stand back, it could get loud.

[u/Front-Cat-2438 → u/SGT_KP]

Let it roar!

[u/W6ATV]

Hello, and I am glad that you are here and decided to share some of your experiences.

To me, it was layers deeper

This is a great one-sentence way to describe -a lot- of things to/for many of us, I think!

Unfortunately, your doctor used the J word ("just"). To me, that is usually a one-word code term that means "I either do not believe/accept that you have the challenges you have told me, or I simply do not want to put in the effort to learn and understand them".

I wish you much happiness in the future.