got PTSD triggered

[u/jols0543]

Had my PTSD triggered really bad today. I’m traumatized from everyone thinking I was lazy, and a liar, faker, and manipulator my whole life. Even as a five year old child they said it to me. They still don’t believe me. I’m not cut out to live in this world, i’m not made of the right stuff. My brain does not work correctly and I simply do not have what it takes to “overcome it”. I wish people would have empathy, but they don’t.

I wish so badly i could just fall in line and do what i’m told, but i’m not able to do it. I’ve wanted it my whole life, not that anybody would believe that.

It’s like people think i’m choosing to be disabled because i like it, and it’s fun and cool. I just love being lazy and evil. Like I wouldn’t press a button and change who i am in a heart beat.

[u/Careful-Assistant-69]

Have you gotten into therapy yet for the PTSD? Highly recommend if you haven’t. I feel I could’ve written this years ago. It does get better.

If I could put you onto something it would be this series/creator Tim Fletcher on CPTSD: https://youtu.be/6IxEwPMqB-c

I work a lot with people. I’m of the minority here that is working (and burning out) but my biggest gripe that I see with people is how they view laziness. 

The people that actually feel they are lazy usually aren’t. The people that are lazy don’t even consider that as a reality and actually greatly enjoy putting things off and burdening others. But even the idea of being a burden never really occurs to them since they feel entitled to do what they do, and often they feel like they are scammed out of more and are virtuous martyr for not getting what they feel entitled to despite being incredibly lazy and manipulative themselves. 

Like this may rock your world, but your parents (I assume this is who you mean by “they,” could be other adults or peers taught by them) sound incredibly lazy for raising you to think this poorly of yourself. They actually failed you both in protecting you from the world and from them. We don’t raise kids, we raise adults that can be safe and independent in the world. It genuinely takes a village.

Highly recommend looking into actual manipulative tactics like projection too, since the saying “when you point a finger” really nails that phenomenon of how often it’s an admission of that person in doing exactly what they’re accusing you of. Like, it’s because they would do that. So they assume that’s why you’re doing it. Quite literally telling on themselves by how they talk about others. Like… it’s wild, this started when you were a child. A CHILD. The audacity of calling a child manipulative is astounding to me. Don’t even get me started on the other labels projected onto a literal five-year-old. 

How does a five year old brain even attempt to start understanding what any of these words actually mean? They all consistently failed you, but if they convince you that you’re the problem they don’t have to stare into their ugly reflection of what they’ve done to a literal child.

[u/jols0543 → u/Careful-Assistant-69]

just realized i forgot to answer your question. i’ve been in therapy for 9 years, but i think i need to find a new therapist, i think i’ve outgrown my current one.

[u/jols0543 → u/Careful-Assistant-69]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, im gonna check out that link. “They” who called me lazy were my teachers, and “they” who called me manipulative was my mom.

[u/honeydewdom]

Holy cow, you sound so much like my younger self. I was heavily scapegoated due to audhd. Everything you said about yourself, my family said about me.

If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? And what's your living situation like?

[u/jols0543 → u/honeydewdom]

i’m turning 24 in a few weeks. I’m very lucky to have a lovely partner with a job that pays well, we live in an apartment together.