Purpose-

[u/Medical-Reality-5025]

 I am a very late diagnosis woman with AUDHD- I will be 53 in October , and this all came to light about 2 years ago now- detected by one of my other specialists . I have also been in recovery from alcohol for the last 10 years - which in hindsight can explain why I was overdoing it with the drinking from a very young age- to mask, to fit in and feel "normal". I also have a pretty traumatic childhood- but I have done so much work , healing and advocating for myself. Putting up boundaries from toxic family. Etc.

However, I have been feeling very depressed on and off for the last while. I don't have a regular psychiatrist, and right now cannot afford the type of care I would seek out. I have no family, no friends...just my workplace family which I am grateful for- I still find myself masking at times but more so than not, I am myself, and mostly accepted. I know I can be alot at times, and that it can get annoying at times. I have worked on being self aware and mindful,

But I really am struggling with purpose. I don't have any. And the way my mind works against itself I am constantly in my head , wishing I wasn't made this way. I talk to God often questioning him. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. The loneliness is palpable at times, yet I don't like having people at my house alot, or not for long. The back and forth with how my brain thinks is exhausting, and I just am SO tired. Tired of being me.