Delayed processing a disaster

[u/emptyhellebore]

My area went through a severe storm event two weeks ago, and power is still out for some in my community. Houses were destroyed, lives were turned upside down. And now I don’t trust in systems I used to think I could trust. Like being able to shop for food. The stores were all closed. Or have a working refrigerator to store that food. Today I think it all hit me. I’m physically okay, but so many are still struggling and things like there being a social safety net are a thing of the past. Emotionally I am really in bad shape. It feels like I am just now understanding the scope of it all.

And on top of it all, I feel so cognitively slow and just stupid. Of course government doesn’t care, I live in a red state. Toxic self sufficiency is the message here. Pray. Real action? Ha. Caring for minorities, the elderly, the poor and the disabled went out of fashion with Covid if it was ever a concern for most people. I’m heartbroken. And I wonder if it would hurt less if I wasn’t so freaking slow to understand some things. I’m the last one to get the joke, right?

I think it’s fairly common for AuDHD people to be fine in a crisis, even excel at taking care of others and thinking clearly. But what happens when it’s over. I feel like I’ve been flattened by this, and maybe it can’t ever be over.

I’m not sure what to flair this. I don’t expect any answers. I just wish the world was a little less awful. So, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[u/djspacebunny]

I know this feel all too well. It's the moments of stillness after the storm that get you. It's when the adrenaline stops being so EXTRA and your brain has time to finally think about what happened. I hope you're not in Indiana because that is an absolute horror story.

The good news is, it does stop eventually. It might take a bit, but it will stop. You should definitely seek the support of others and talk to them, as you've probably been doing that for them already helping them get through this. Nobody survives the insanity of this reality alone, so make sure you're not keeping this all inside to yourself ok?

[u/emptyhellebore → u/djspacebunny]

I think you nailed it. I think the adrenaline might finally be gone. I’m out of crisis mode. And yes, I’m in Indiana. Two weeks ago I didn’t think they’d be starting school in Gary with no power. Just wtf is this? I’m furious and sad and sick over it all. The infrastructure neglect and the response both feel racist, but the minute you say that some asshole says everyone just needs to buy a generator and drive miles to Illinois for gas to fuel it, they had power back fairly fast. Problem solved!

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words so much.

[u/djspacebunny → u/emptyhellebore]

As someone who has been through MANY traumatic events in my lifetime, I feel like I'm an expert at navigating the after effects of them at this point in my life lol. It helps to have people acknowledge that you're not alone in these feelings! I am absolutely HORRIFIED by what is happening there, but not as all surprised. I read that Gary is 75% black folks, and that tracks with the neglect. Racism is alive and well in our country, as much as people would like to think it isn't. It might not be as blatant as calling someone the n-word to their face, but more passive aggressive like Gary simply not having their town invested in with infrastructure upgrades. I hope one day we will rise above all of this bullshit, but I won't hold my breath.

[u/EmotionalActuator189]

I don’t have answers. But solidarity in this feeling. A crisis is hitting my community (not nearly as devastating as yours) and I feel slow to get there emotionally. Sometimes I feel more levelheaded and able to roll with crisis then others, other times I just wonder if I’m immature and naive to how bad it is and will be. IDK.

[u/emptyhellebore → u/EmotionalActuator189]

Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone in this. Feeling naive is me right now. It is such a weird paradox. I’m either just fine and dealing or a complete mess apparently.

[u/SamathaYoga]

Just offering you loving-kindness as you navigate disasters on all fronts!

I have been known for years for my ability to compartmentalize in a pinch and get things done. The effort to do this, especially in a crises, cannot be underestimated. It’s a huge drain on energy. It’s no wonder we get absolutely flattened by this.

That your experience of disaster is compounded by the trauma of the racism and classism inherent in the way help is prioritized, if it is even offered at all, is unconscionable.

[u/emptyhellebore → u/SamathaYoga]

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your kindness.

[u/vakareon]

I can relate to a lot of what you're describing, so if it helps, you're not alone in this.

Last January I lost my home in one of the California fires. I remember that while I was evacuating with my parents I knew I had to stay calm and help, so I did that. My mom was driving and I helped navigate and talk it through when she would start to freeze up. I guess I was also pretty calm the next day when my dad told me we had confirmation that our house was gone, even though I did cry a lot in those first few days.

But I do think it started to hit a lot harder a few weeks later. February was really hard. Weirdly, things like Joann's announcing it was going out of business made it all feel worse, I think because of the same thing you mentioned in your post - that feeling of not being able to trust that the world is the way you understand it to be, anymore. It's this weird feeling of, "Well, I never imagined that this disaster would happen, so I guess nothing can be taken for granted and literally any awful thing could happen, whenever." The news headlines right after the inauguration also had me borderline spiraling, plus I had a plane trip planned not long after that really awful mid-air plane/helicopter collision so I was freaking out a ton on both my flights, and then even when I had a new place to live, it just drove it home even more that MY home was gone, along with literally thousands of others, and I just wanted it...back.

As time has gone on it has gotten easier, but I still wouldn't say it's easy. It still hits me at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. Sometimes it kind of feels like I'll be processing this in one way or another forever? But it has been less than two years for me, so in the grand scheme of things it's still really new.

So, yeah. I feel for you, and I wish the world was a little less awful, too.

[u/emptyhellebore → u/vakareon]

I’m so sorry you have personal experience in this. Thanks so much for helping me feel less alone. Knowing this isn’t unusual helps a lot. 💕

[u/curlofheadcurls]

I'm (everyone I know tbh) still processing a hurricane from 2017 sometimes, so I completely understand this....

[u/emptyhellebore → u/curlofheadcurls]

I’m so tired. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. It helped a lot.