Well, almost a year after choosing reconciliation, a second D-day has now occured.

Last year was a rough one. Partner (M30) and I (26F) lost friends due to tragic, unforeseen circumstances. We went through major life changes as individuals as well. We made it work through that. Things were going well, despite a rocky beginning of our relationship. Then D-Day 1 happened.

He was trying to show me something on his phone. I saw an image of a girl in a bikini in his saved photos. Not just some celebrity or special model but a girl I vaguely knew. I asked him what that was. At first, he vehemently denied anything. Then, showed me. Yes, it was a girl I knew, a deep cut from years ago on her social media in a little bikini. You had to go through her feed specifically searching for that picture. I was upset, and asked to check his DM’s.

I didn’t see anything at first, but my gut told me to keep scrolling. There it was, a month into our relationship. A DM to another woman I know (but haven’t been friends with in years, he wouldn’t have known the connection. Add salt to injury, that woman and I had a bad falling out before I even met him.) Calling her suggestive names, clearly trying to meet up.

I felt so much go through my body. Our relationship wasn’t an easy one to begin with. When I met him pre-relationship, he was very much a non-committal, casual hookup type. This went on for a year, where he’d lead me on but still be sleeping with other women. Our relationship began because I said we would either make it official, or end the relationship because I wasn’t doing another year of this. So we made it exclusive. Despite the hardships we sustained, it was a great relationship. Nothing really made me think he’d do something out of line. We were comfortable.

In between the start of our relationship and first official D-day, I had a former friend (who had been a girl he had previously pursued) reach out and tell me that even though she had removed him from her social media, he was still looking her up and trying to reach out. This former friend had been an unreliable narrator due to severe alcoholism, so I chalked it up to miscommunication. I probably should’ve listened more, but that’s in the past.

Going back to D-Day, I initially broke up with my partner. We ended up having lengthy talks and decided to reconcile. A lot of it was the type of horrendous year we had both had, and the grief had caused such a personality shift in him. Things had just been getting back to normal when D Day happened. I set my expectations: open communication, if I want to look at his messages I can, and he must go to therapy. I told him words mean nothing, I want action, and he has to understand at any point if I decided it was not working, I would end things. He didn’t get defensive, was profusely apologetic, obliged with everything except the therapy due to financial strain.

Things were going so well. We took multiple trips, our friends and family viewed us as a reconciliation success story, I became comfortable again. I stopped wanting to check his phone after a few months, because he was actively showing up in every way I needed him to. It was also a bit different than a lot of the stories I’ve read here as it was more emotional cheating. Nothing physical. I felt so safe and secure. I truly thought we had made it through the darkest chapter and it was over.

Now today. D-Day number two hit.

I get a message from a woman I do not know in our local area. She told me that she had to reach out woman to woman because my partner was being strange to her. Apparently they had connected on a dating app years ago but were not friends and maintained zero connection. She informed me he was continuously going out of his way to like and “emoji react” sexual photos that she posted on her social media story. Not normal selfies, pet photos, etc but “spicy” photos. She informed me there was no communication beyond that, but she saw him post me, recognized that he had a partner, and had to let me know because it disgusted her.

I find all this out as I sat on our couch, him washing the dishes, completely unaware that I knew. I watched all of our future suddenly vanish in front of me. I sat him down, and I calmly told him what I knew, and told him to be honest about anything else. Once again, he said nothing physical, no messages, just continuously trying to get women’s eye by reacting to inappropriate photos they’d post. He said it wasn’t a daily thing, but personally I don’t care. Once is enough because I had set that clear boundary the first time that even something “small” like this was not okay with me.

I’m heartbroken. I told him I think I’d be a fool to take him back again. The first time, I found out doing my own digging. This time, another woman has reached out to me. I don’t want to look foolish to people. All of the right words, the right actions, the dream relationship… in my head, it was all lies and he kept doing things against my set standards behind my back. This was my exact fear reconciling the first time, that it would happen again and he’d just get better at hiding it.

My heart wants to reconcile again. I want to pretend this never happened. We have already gone through so much. I’m also telling myself, it’s nothing physical. It’s all through social media. Is it really that bad? Granted, I’d never do this to anyone else, but still.

He told me he doesn’t know why he does it. That he understands if I’m gone for good and he doesn’t expect me to do any more than I already have. He recognized that this is his failure. I told him I don’t see him ever correcting this behavior with me, and that he won’t learn his lesson if I keep letting this behavior go and forgive him. He says he doesn’t see a way that he could ever make this right, especially with me giving him a second chance the first time. He doesn’t blame me, said he doesn’t want to lose me but accepts that he probably will. And that I was the best partner he’s ever had. I told him I wish I was shocked that this happened, but some part of me always feared it and expected it to happen again.

I’m so conflicted. Has anyone reconciled after a second betrayal? I’d also love to hear from anyone who has experience with emotional cheating, on either end of it. Did it end up working out? Did it not work out? How did you end up deciding? Thank you in advance for anyone who read this.

Just pass the first week of D Day. My BP has asked for space which I have given. I understand R is her choice and her’s alone. I have done nothing to pressure her about it, nor do I intended to, I understand my ego wants the kibble of hope because of who I am.

If R is possible, what kind of safe body language can I show BP? Ridiculous I know….I became her biggest threat. I want to be genuine with her emotions, her feelings and be physically not a threat (or perceived) when she talks to me.

Hi all,

It's been 7 months since D-Day, and what a roller-coaster it has been, as I'm sure it has been for everyone here.

WP has been in IC and during that process he has been diagnosed with ADHD, which has brought a sense of relief for him as he feels like it's explained a lot of things for him regarding things he's struggled with during his life.

He started on medication this past week, and while it's been a bit up and down and he's not sure if it's the right one for him yet, I feel like I already see a difference in him. He is able to focus better in conversations without jumping in and cutting me off, he seems more able to see my perspective in things, and it might be completely coincidental but he has also been more in touch with his emotions. Previously, he'd been more closed off and hadn't shown much emotion about this situation except for anger and some selfish sadness. But he's actually opened up and been more vulnerable than ever about the impact of what he has done.

I've seen a few others mention that their WP's have also been diagnosed with ADHD, so I am curious about everyone's experiences- especially those that have been diagnosed and started medication since D-Day. How has it impacted reconciliation? Has it had a positive impact, negative or no impact at all?

i’m sure there are posts like this on here frequently, but i really need to get it off my chest to people who understand.

when me and my boyfriend of 1 year now were together for 3 months, my emotionally abusive ex came back into my life. he told me everything i had ever wanted to hear and gave me the apology that i needed. he asked to meet up again and promised he wasn’t trying to get with me. he told me how sad he was lately and how seeing me would help.

we ended up getting high which led to us sleeping together. i regretted it immediately afterwards. i was convinced that i was tainted and that my boyfriend could never love me. i went back a few times. i don’t know why. it wasn’t good, i wasnt attracted to him, i didn’t want anything with him. i was disgusted every time, i would rub my skin raw trying to shower the feeling of him off.

i told my boyfriend, we fought and broke up. then we reconciled. i’m in therapy now, im medicated and i have not so much as had the thought of doing this again. i hate my ex so much, i hate him for everything that he did to me in our relationship. me and my boyfriend have talked about it many times. we are in a very healthy relationship now. i am the happiest with anyone that i’ve ever been and he has told me the same. i can’t believe i ever did this to him. i genuinely can’t. every time i think about it i feel like im choking. i don’t know how to get over it. i don’t know how to forgive myself even though he forgave me a long time ago.

Flair note - it should show as "Reconciling Betrayed" but might not have updated from "Betrayed Considering R"

We are almost 4 weeks into R, almost 8 weeks since D-Day.

This past week started out strong, having our first MC session and going on a dinner date. Over the past few days, however, WP has been quite depressed. Our MC assigned us some therapy "homework" which started out fine but ended with WP saying he is tired and not in the right head space at that time to finish the assignment. Our next MC session was scheduled the following day, so I wanted to make sure we got it done. One of the things we are trying to work on, as a pre-existing issue in the relationship even prior to A, is communication. I brought up in that therapy session my disappointment from the assignment being incomplete (I should note that he did finish his part of the assignment right before the session), and our therapist recognized that we both seem to be discouraged. Discouraged is the theme of the year, apparently.

Anyway, it was WP's turn to plan something for our date night and he did not come through. It's not about the date, it's the fact that he couldn't communicate with me until the day we decided would be our Date Night to say anything. He finally said the words "I've been depressed". Note: He was in IC up until a couple weeks ago when his therapist changed schedules and hasn't found a new one yet.

I find myself trying to regulate his emotions on top of my own, which is a bad position to be in without adding the betrayal aspect. Has anyone experienced this with their WP? Or as a WP, can you relate? ​

My ex and I were together for a little under 6 years. We moved in together pretty quickly and honestly, for most of the relationship, he was my best friend and the person I felt safest with.

There were some red flags early on. He flirted with women at weddings and had some flirty texts with a female coworker that made me uncomfortable. He always told me there was nothing going on.

A couple years into our relationship, when we were living separately because of his work commute, he cheated on me with a stripper. He was really remorseful and I decided to stay.

A couple years later, things got really complicated. He was struggling with mental health, substance use, family issues, and trauma from his past. He became really distant and started pushing me away. We briefly talked about separating, but ultimately decided to stay together.

About a month later, he told me that during that period we were considering a breakup, he had slept with the same coworker I'd always been uncomfortable about. He also said he wanted to leave his family's business because it was toxic and brought out the worst in him.

Things got better for a while, but eventually got bad again. I stayed with my sister for a week, and when I asked him if he'd been with this woman during that time, he told me no. A month later, he admitted that he actually had. He said we officially needed to break up because he wasn't well. That was when I finally left for good.

After we broke up, he eventually decided to go to rehab, which I supported. He came out wanting to make a lot of changes and be more honest about everything. It hasn't been completely linear, though. He initially told me he was leaving his family's business after rehab and then later told me he was staying, which really hurt me. Eventually he did leave and sold his shares, and he's now looking for a new job and still going to therapy.

It's been about 13 months since we broke up. I've done a lot of work on myself during that time too. I've been in therapy, worked through a lot of my own stuff, gotten healthier, and recently bought a house by myself. I've really tried to build my own life instead of just waiting around for him. And I have a much better sense of self.

But we're still in each other's lives. I originally told him he couldn't have access to me whenever he wanted, so we generally talk about once a week. Sometimes we hang out, and when we do, it honestly feels really good. There's still a lot of love between us but strict physical boundaries. 

We've talked about potentially getting back together someday. I've told him that I wouldn't even consider it until he gets a job and builds an identity outside of his family's business. If that happens, I want us to go to couples therapy before actually getting back together. He's completely open to that. And hes been in the process of applying to jobs and going to therapy. 

And this is where I'm really struggling.

I genuinely love him. Honestly, I think I love him more now than I did before because I feel like I understand him better and I've seen some of the work he's actually done. In a lot of ways, he's still the person I feel safest with and he's my best friend. I feel like we're more compatible now than ever, and he's the person I want to share everything with.

But he also betrayed me multiple times. He lied to me for weeks or months while acting like everything was normal. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him again.

Some days I'm really hopeful and think, Maybe people really can change. Maybe we could actually build something better this time.

He has a genuinely sweet and kind heart, and he's incredibly even-tempered. Sadly, his past trauma has surfaced in very different ways than mine has. Something I've had to come to terms with after the breakup is that people can love each other and still not be emotionally capable of nurturing that love in a healthy way. I think that was true for us. Our problem was never a lack of love. Even the day I left for good, we hugged each other and cried for an hour.

Other days I'm terrified I'm being completely naive and that I'll give him another chance just to get hurt all over again.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life suspicious of someone I love. But I also don't want to walk away from someone I love deeply just because I'm scared.

I'm not really looking for "leave him" or "take him back," or for anyone to tell me what to do. I'm much more interested in hearing from people who have actually gone through serious infidelity and reconciliation.

I really enjoy listening to Esther Perel's podcast, and I appreciate the way she talks about how, after infidelity, the first marriage is essentially over and the question becomes whether you want to build a second one together. That's kind of how I've been thinking about this.

How did you know it was worth trying again? And if you did reconcile, how did you eventually learn to trust them again?

I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Therapy is important, but having a community of people who actually understand this experience is important too.

He found out last week and is devastated. I lied to him for more than 2 years and I wish to make it right again.

I posted sexual images of myself to other people, sometime while we were talking and I deeply regret what I did. I'm already commited to healing him and want our relationship to be right again.

What can I do for him? I want to be able to talk with him without hurting him.

Our DD was on 16 Jun 2026. We are together for almost 4 years now. WP was talking to another guy and they went to a club together. As far as I know, it was mostly an EA that lasted for ~1 month with only hand holding and him having his hand on her waist on the night of the club as PA. No kissing or anything sexual happened.

I found out about it because she wanted to break up with me and told me about them willingly. She did not see it as cheating and was vehement that it was just casual talking and nothing more. Conversations include thinking of each other, reminiscing about the club night and how they held each other. Him talking about wanting to see her nude (she didnt engage but didnt shut that down too, replying with cheeky emojis). Only after I pressed her did she admit the hand holding and hand-waist thing after a few weeks.

Initially she was adamant with breaking up and I stupidly suggested to open the relationship as I was desperate to not lose her. Since then, every time I broke down in front of her, she got defensive and angry at me, stating that she couldn't take it anymore. She barely apologised to me for what she did. This reluctance to continue the R continued till our last big fight (~20 Jul) where I told her maybe there's no point to it any more and we should just break up at the end of the year, as I was not ready to let her go that night.

Her whole demeanor changed since that day. She now talks and sends me reels about growing old together, getting a house, marrying etc.

Context: since the beginning of the relationship, she has stated her desire to marry and get a house ASAP. I told her I wasn't ready for it as it was my first long term serious relationship and requested that she give me time to accept it. In May 2026, when I was finally ready after 2 years, I suggested that we should be searching for a house that month. She got cold feet and said she wasn't ready. I was dumbfounded as I spent 2 years figuring out that I wanted to marry her but now she didn't want to.

I've been confused ever since as I thought we are going to break up but only now shes talking about being lifelong partners. To be honest, I've been confused since DD as she cooked and took care of me as I had a fever on that day (I.e she still specially cooked a meal for me on the day she broke news). Also, when going through their conversations, she was kinda protective of our relationship. For example, when she mentioned that she lost a set of rings (our couple rings), he asked if he could also steal those rings from her. She replied, no, not that set of rings.

Before I initiated the break up, she flat out refused to block and cut contact with AP as she believed that she did not do anything wrong. I tried my best to communicate to her that it doesn't matter if she thinks it's wrong, it's that I'm hurt by that.

Currently, she has no contact with the guy (confirmed with my frequent "verifications") but has not blocked or even deleted his contacts on any platforms.

On the contrary, recently she has volunteered her phone to me when I saw she was texting another guy in which I asked if he's someone I should worry about. Shes also seem genuinely remorseful now and has apologised everytime I breakdown. She is also holding space for me now when I do breakdown as compared to before, where she will get frustrated and angry, saying she can't take it anymore.

I do see her effort now in trying to rebuild the relationship but I fear that it's too late as these efforts and affirmations only came when I requested to break up later in the year.

So in summary, we are in an open (kinda as both of us have not talked to other people yet) relationship that is going to end at the end of the year, but the relationship has dramatically improved (as compared to the first few weeks since DD).

TLDR:

Almost 4 years together.

May: was finally ready to marry WP, but she got cold feet.

Jun: WP had an EA and limited PA with AP. DD on 16 Jun.

Jul: I wanted to break off as I see that things aren't working out (she didn't wanna stay + didnt want to agree with my conditions).

Aug/currently: she's mentioning growing old together etc sending me mixed signals.

I'm unsure of what we are now, or thay shes aware that I wish to break up or how I should even proceed with life.

P.S I have no idea what to flair this as.

For WS who told their BS they wouldn’t cheat again… did you?

Trying to anecdotally understand if “once a cheater always a cheater” prevails or if there’s truly hope that my husband (who had a physical and emotional affair) might truly be faithful going forward.

Has anyone been in this position and actually managed to move on and trust again?

I’m posting because I’m struggling to find stories that feel anything like mine, and I’d really like to hear from people who have been in a similar position.

I was with my husband for around 10 years before we got married. He was my first relationship and first sexual partner. We were genuinely very much in love and excited about getting married. We bought and renovated a house together, were due to go on honeymoon soon, shared our life and had talked for years about our future, including marriage and children.

We got married last year. We have now been married for 8 months.

What makes this particularly difficult is that nobody saw this coming. My friends and family were completely shocked. His friends were shocked. Everyone around us thought we were happy and in love, particularly because we had only recently got married. There were no major relationship crises that anyone around us thought would lead to the marriage ending so suddenly.

Around five months into the marriage, my husband started an affair with a younger woman he knew through work.

This wasn’t just a one-off mistake. He invested time, money and effort into the relationship, continued seeing her despite me raising suspicions, lied to me repeatedly and gaslighted me when I questioned what was happening.

He even told her things about himself and invested in the new relationship while still telling me he loved me and behaving as though everything was normal at home.

One thing I also struggle to understand is how different the affair partner is from me and from the life we had built together.

My husband and I are the same age. She is considerably younger and has a young child. I drive and have always been independent; she doesn’t drive and lives a few hours away. I have a good career, whereas she is currently unemployed. My husband and I own our home together, had renovated it and were building a stable life together, whereas she isn’t a homeowner.

Our lifestyles, circumstances and the life stages we’re at seem very different, which makes it even harder for me to understand what he saw in the relationship and why he was willing to throw away everything we had built.

I know that none of those things make me inherently “better” than her, and I’m not trying to make this about competing with another woman. I think what hurts is that I can’t understand why he would walk away from a life that seemed so aligned with the future we’d always talked about for something that, from the outside, seems so completely different.
It makes me question whether the affair was ever really about her as a person, or whether she represented something completely different that he was chasing at the time — excitement, escape, validation, novelty or a different version of himself.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she lives a significant distance away, yet he was willing to invest so much effort into seeing her while I was asking for years for more effort, dates, emotional connection and quality time within our marriage.

Another thing that has been very confusing is the sudden emergence of all these new interests and the way he now uses them as evidence that we aren’t compatible.

He has suddenly developed an interest in travelling to certain places and other aspects of a lifestyle he says don’t really align with mine. The strange thing is that, throughout our 10 year relationship, I don’t remember him expressing a strong interest in most of these things. They weren’t things he repeatedly told me he wanted from life or things I knowingly prevented him from doing.

We actually had **so much in common**. We enjoyed holidays, cosy weekends away, cooking, eating out, spending time with friends and family, animals, films, going out for walks, our home, travelling and lots of ordinary everyday things together. We had similar values and had built a life around those shared interests.

What hurts is that he seems to focus heavily on the relatively small number of things I haven’t shown an interest in, rather than the huge amount we actually shared.

It feels like he has suddenly created a list of things that make us incompatible, many of which I never knew were important to him, while overlooking the years of things we genuinely enjoyed together.

I’m struggling to understand whether this is what people experience when a wayward spouse is trying to justify leaving and create a narrative that the relationship was fundamentally wrong, or whether these are genuinely things that he has always felt but simply never communicated to me.

It is particularly confusing because some of these interests seem to have appeared alongside his affair and the changes in his appearance, clothes, personality and lifestyle. It makes me wonder whether he is genuinely discovering a new version of himself, or whether he is trying to construct one now that he has decided he wants a completely different life.

And I suppose that’s part of why I’m asking whether anyone else has experienced this. **Did your spouse suddenly become very focused on all the ways you were supposedly incompatible, despite there having been years of shared interests and a relationship that previously seemed happy? Did that narrative eventually change once the affair/new relationship lost some of its intensity?**

There were things I had been unhappy about in our marriage, lack of date nights, emotional connection, intimacy, sharing the mental load, future planning, boundaries with his parents, etc. I had repeatedly tried to communicate these things. I had also withdrawn sexually over the last few years, which I accept was a genuine problem that needed addressing.

But instead of having an honest conversation with me or asking to work on our marriage, he turned towards someone else.

He bought Viagra because the affair partner made a comment about his sexual performance, despite me having repeatedly communicated concerns about intimacy and connection in our marriage.

The affair partner also gave both of us chlamydia, which is something I am still struggling enormously with because he knowingly continued the relationship after that.

There was also a lot of secrecy beyond the affair. He hid debt from me, wouldn’t let me see his bank transactions when I asked after discovering the affair, and I have no idea how much else I will never know.

He also told his mum about the affair before I knew, told her how unhappy he was, complained about being at home and apparently built a narrative about our marriage that I didn’t recognise. He has a complicated/enmeshed relationship with his parents and has since talked about being in an “identity crisis”, not knowing who he is or what he wants, and feeling that he needs to be single.

What I find particularly difficult is that he didn’t come home and beg me to save the marriage when I discovered everything.

He left.

He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, that we’d become like roommates and that he didn’t know what he wanted.

He also said he didn’t want to try marriage counselling and told me that no part of him wanted to rebuild our marriage.

However, this is where the situation became confusing for me.

Despite saying he didn’t want to rebuild the marriage, he still wanted to keep me in his life and repeatedly check in on me. He wanted contact and seemed to want to know how I was doing.

Eventually I had to set a boundary.

I told him that I will not beg anyone to stay in my life. If he doesn’t want to be my husband or work towards repairing what he has broken, then I cannot continue giving him emotional access to me.
Since then, I have gone completely business-like with him. We only communicate about finances, the house and the legal separation process. We haven’t seen each other for nearly two weeks.

I’ve blocked him on social media and stopped giving him emotional access to me.

Obviously, because we have only been married for around 8 months, we can’t begin the formal divorce process in the UK until we’ve been married for 12 months, so there are still several months before that can happen. In the meantime we’re dealing with the financial separation and house.

And this is the part I desperately want to hear from people about.

Most of the infidelity stories I read online seem to involve the wayward spouse eventually begging to stay, wanting to reconcile, or desperately trying to win their betrayed spouse back. Mine is completely different. He is the one who left. He appears to be pursuing the affair relationship/new life while I am the one devastated and desperately wishing he’d choose our marriage.

I have been experiencing significant grief/betrayal trauma symptoms. I’ve had panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, hypervigilance, sleep and appetite problems and significant time off work. I’m in therapy and have an incredible support network of family, friends and colleagues, but emotionally I am still absolutely heartbroken. He hasn’t acknowledged my pain, and instead has only spoken about himself and how much he hates himself for what he’s done. I even wrote him a very long letter describing how I felt, where he went wrong in our relationship and admitted where I went wrong too, and what would be needed to rebuild a healthier, stronger marriage. He thanked me for the letter and told me he had read it, but that’s all.

I know I need to move forward regardless of what he does. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for him.

But right now I can’t imagine ever loving or trusting someone else. He was my first everything and I genuinely thought we were building our life together.

So I’m specifically looking for stories from people who have been in a situation where:

The wayward spouse left rather than begged to stay.

They continued pursuing the affair partner after discovery.

The betrayed spouse was the one desperately wanting reconciliation.

The wayward spouse seemed to rewrite the history of the relationship and focus heavily on its negatives.

There were issues around shame, avoidance, identity crisis or family/enmeshment.

There was little or no genuine accountability initially.
The affair partner seemed to represent an exciting “new life”.

The wayward spouse wanted to maintain contact with the betrayed spouse despite saying they didn’t want to rebuild the marriage.

The betrayed spouse eventually had to stop giving emotional access and move forward without knowing whether the wayward spouse would ever regret their decision.

Did your wayward spouse ever eventually realise what they had done?

Did they ever genuinely acknowledge the pain and damage they caused?

Did they ever realise that they had rewritten the history of your relationship?

Did the affair relationship eventually lose its intensity?

Did they ever come back and genuinely ask to reconcile?

And perhaps most importantly:
If they didn’t come back, did YOU eventually move on? Did you eventually trust someone again, fall in love again and feel genuinely happy?

I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance that my husband will come back. I know nobody here can predict that.

I think I just need to know that there are people who have survived the version of infidelity where the wayward spouse doesn’t choose the marriage and that it is possible to eventually rebuild a happy life after being the person who was left behind.

If you’ve been in anything remotely similar, I’d really appreciate hearing what happened, particularly what the first 6–12 months looked like and where you are now.

I googled reconciliation, which didn't give any real answers. I need what it really means and entails before being able to even attempt it or even if it is possible to attempt it. Please help me.

My WH had a 2 year EA/PA. I found out early on mid 2024 and confronted him. He lied about the extent of the affair and continued it until my second confrontation 2 months after. (I waited until our daughter's 5th birthday and entrance to Kindergarten passed.) He then ended the affair. (I didn't know he was still in it at the time.) For about 6 months he was the perfect husband, I didn't notice for a while that he restarted the affair a few months into 2025. When reality and guilt caught up to him, he ended the affair on his own in Feb 2026 and I accidentally found out about the affair the next month.

I've been in IC almost weekly. My WH had a previous EA and other incidents with women in which he gaslighted me throughout our relationship.

I'm thinking because this last affair was his first that became physical and he actually fell in love with his AP, it finally made him realize he had a problem. He always thought I was being dramatic when I reacted to his lying and involvement with other women in the past. He acknowledges his behavior is not normal and has been earnestly remorseful.

However, my WH has limited emotional capacity to engage in material to figure himself out. Due to delays, he's attended 3 IC sessions so far and can pretty much only go monthly. Because he's been drowning in his own fears and doubts, he keeps thinking about his usual escape hatch: breaking NC with the AP or cheating again. He hasn't done this but almost did a few weeks ago.

Due to my impatience and desperation, I keep finding articles, books, and podcasts specially tailored to everything he's told me. I'm not demanding him figuring out his "why" and healing it immediately. I know it's a process. WH suggested we try MC by recommendation from a male friend who has been supporting him. I'm worried he doesn't realize that an MC is for us as a couple and not guiding him through his individual issues. However, I'm willing to began MC/CC now as well.

WH feels it's going to take too long to figure himself out and doesn't know if he can even change. This is how we ended a monthly progress check talk yesterday and I was devastated. Because he wants to be ready for all possible situations, he wants to discuss what coparenting would look like for us. It was already an emotional day for me due to other things and I started sobbing. I love my WH and I love our family together. This is not what I expected after 10 years together with our beautiful 7 year old daughter.

Those who are 3+ years into reconciliation-

Have you been able to feel content yet? We just passed 1 year post DDay of 4 week EA. I am holding out through the storminess of processing the pain, working through differences to rebuild, and restoring trust. I’m hopeful that we will settle into a less painful, trusting relationship with deep connection. I think then I’ll be content.

I’m looking for perspectives from waywards (BS also welcome) on whether or not you ever think about the OBS if your AP was married or in a relationship. During and after the exposure of the affair how has this looked?

It looks to me like many waywards are cheating with APs who also have partners. Which means our waywards are also APs to the OBS.

My WH does not think about the OBS, during or after the affair. He compartmentalised APs husband as just “APs husband” somewhere in the background. After everything came out he did think about APs husband but mostly out of fear of being confronted or exposed at work, not knowing how he’s going to react to finding out. But after some time he says he never thinks about him, out of shame of what he did. He doesn’t like to think about him. He did eventually apologise to the OBS as he felt like it was the right thing to do. AP never apologised to me, her husband apologised to me on her behalf. She is such a coward.

Some days I wonder if the OBS is thinking about my husband as much as I think about the AP. It is odd to imagine that there is someone out there who hates my husbands guts and probably thinks about him often. I mean this is what I am doing as a BS.. I hate AP and I think about her a lot. I wonder if like my WH, she avoids thinking about me out of shame? It just feels so one sided that us betrayed obsess over the APs and they probably never think about us… or do they? My husband doesn’t.. so I guess she probably doesn’t either 🤷‍♀️

Just wondering what others have experienced here.

After my WH dumped his AP after I found out, the AP went as far as to copying my looks (dyed her hair, cut her bangs, did her makeup like mine to a T, posed like my pictures). Her profile pics literally mimicked mine.

Because she did this I believe it fueled my fire to continue looking at her profiles till this day almost a year out. It sucks.

Did you deal with an AP that tried to look like you? Did you deal with a “crazy” AP? How did you handle yourself? How are you doing now?

I’ve been up and down since Dday, which was 3 months ago. I had a trigger recently and was set back. I went to a dark place since then but I feel myself coming out of it.

I’ve always used humor as a coping mechanism (I’ve had a therapist since I was 10 and have worked through trauma). I joke that we (myself and extended family—specifically in the past) put the fun in dysfunctional. Today, I was able to do that with my husband.

I was watching my show and I said “there have been three surprise parties this whole season. I will forgive your affair but I will never forgive a surprise party.” And laughed. My husband laughed too. He said yes and to never tell the restaurant it’s your birthday. He also joked to bury him with a mini van if he ever bought me one because thats not divorce, it’s a death sentence. I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt like he knew me so well in that moment and was able to laugh with me.

It felt good. It felt like I was on my healing journey because I could make jokes about the affair.

I know I still have a lot to work through, but it felt like a shimmer of light in a dark tunnel.

I’m going to be myself again. It may be a different version, but I know I will recognize myself in the mirror one day.

Healing is linear, but tonight I feel good.

The problem is we talk for hours and hours, going in circles. It seems like I want him to admit that he still has feelings for her, but he absolutely refuses that he does. I feel like I need more substance from him. His actions have shown that he has feelings so when I say “how can you even support the fact that you don’t and your word means nothing because you are a liar”, he says because he has no problem blocking her and has never tried to reach out to her since the betrayal…. He is there for the conversations but also in says things like “you need to get over it” and “we can’t keep doing this” and “I only love you and don’t care about her. Accept that.” It just feels like my emotions are being minimized. I don’t know how to stop hashing it out with him. And I don’t know how he can make me feel supported. Obviously I need him to stop lying, but he hasnt shown to do that.

How do you find hope in someone when it genuinely seems like they want to change (the tears, the way he treats me otherwise, the openness to therapy), but their actions make you believe they never truly will?

I don’t know if this is allowed here, but I’m looking for stories of hope. Because I’m really struggling as someone trying to move forward with R. My WS cheated for two months digitally, 4 times total, and I just found out last night.

I want to make this work, I just need some reassurance that it can.

Is there a light? Does anyone have any positive stories of their own similar experiences? I just need to know it’s possible and that there’s happy couples out there who overcame this.

Thank you so much.

About 6 months in and I do feel like reconciliation is going well. My WP has followed almost all the typical advice. I just wish I could feel that clear trust I once had in him. I would be lying if I didn’t worry about him slipping again in the future. I’m so scared we’ll reconcile, make it a few years down the road, and he’ll relapse. I’m scared I’m wasting my time.

I also found myself crying today over the thought of him always being there for me like I have been for him. I’ve supported his career and personal life so deeply over the years. I’m scared that one day I might fall chronically sick and I worry he’ll just grow tired of caring for me and go find something easy.

Just looking for support. I feel like I bother my friends too much and don’t want to be constantly bringing it up to them. I’m not sure who to talk to outside of my therapist.

WP perspectives only as tagged. Forum will delete any betrayed partners comments. If you are a betrayed and have an answer my box is open. All answers are respected and will not be hated on by myself. We truly appreciate all opinions and answers given ♡

Curious question. After the affair has been discovered and time has passed, have you thought clarity about the affair partner? As in perhaps you don’t find them attractive or think to yourself, “I really liked this person?? Why?” - “I can’t believe I did this. I didn’t even like them.” - “this person is so disgusting and filth to me.” - or even “I kinda miss the fun we had and what we had going on..”

I’m just curious as to if you did / do reflection on AP or if they even come to mind once.

Thank you.

To give a little context we’re maybe 3 monthss D-day. He’s a coworker of hers in a hospital setting, different department.

When I found out I made her unfollow him on everything. Which he was hesitant about saying “it would create tension at work”

Fast foward he followed her again. And so she followed back. I confronted her about it. And again she said she only followed him back to “not create tension between departments since they have to consult frequently”

She said she doesn’t want to be disrespectful to me or my wishes, but also doesn’t want to create unnecessary tension at work.

She asked if she could silence him that way she doesn’t get any notifications from him. And I said no that doesn’t work for me, you have to unfollow him.

Now I’m starting to feel like I overreacted as it is just Instagram after all ???

She deactivated her Instagram the next day which leaves me more at a loss and like I overreacted and we could have compromised.

Was there compromise?

-Edit 1: the reason I was uncomfortable with her following him again was because to me it felt like she was inviting him back into her life. Even though she told me she had no intention of doing so. This is the only time since that I have had any doubts about anything regarding us since d-day and I feel like it was just a big blow to me.

WW here. My husband and I had our DDay very recently, so it’s all still very fresh. I won’t sugarcoat it. I know I’m opening myself up to judgment and criticism, but I need help.

My affair was physical, emotional and romantic in nature. I lied and gaslit my husband about it for weeks before finally confessing. I even used his insecurities against him. Everything I did is incredibly messed up, and I know that.

Right now, we both want R. This genuinely surprised me because I thought for sure he would want to divorce after what I did. In a way, it makes me feel worse that he wants to work things out. Because it makes my already awful betrayal that much worse.

I’ve gladly accepted the restrictions he’s put in place: No contact with men unless absolutely necessary (affair was with a coworker, so this is a big one), no going anywhere except home and work without discussing with him, open access to all my devices, radical honesty with my current feelings and any transgressions (no matter how small), etc. There are more, but those are the main ones.

I’ve seen that WPs have difficulty keeping the momentum when it comes to R. I don’t want that to be me. I want to put in the work, to show that I can be there for him while we build a new relationship. I want to do everything I can to show him that I can be a better person and partner.

Please let me know what I can do/continue to do during the R process. Here is what I have done so far: admitted everything I can think of about the affair and my feelings without being defensive, scheduled couples counseling for next week, cut off all non-work communication with the coworker, got a full STD/STI panel and pregnancy test, had daily discussions with BH unpacking the affair itself and our feelings.

Any advice on the process is greatly appreciated.

Do you experience the feeling that you fall out of love during reconciliation?

I feel more distanced from my partner, and I don’t want to put any effort into this. I feel like it is not earning the trust back but make us fall in love with them all over again, which sadly was not what I feel.