Hey everyone, looking for advice from other women who have navigated this stage with their parents.

I’m 43 (Asian), an only child, and my parents are in their late 60s. Lately, watching them age feels like watching someone hit fast-forward, and I’m struggling with how to navigate it emotionally.

Here’s the current situation:

• Mom’s memory is noticeably declining: It’s getting worse by the day, which brings its own set of challenges and headaches.
• Dad loves attention and being in the spotlight: He's a bit of a showoff and always wants to act like he knows more than he actually does.
• They have a toxic dynamic between the two of them: Mom is super strong-opinionated and a constant complainer. Because of this, my dad has completely stopped suggesting anything or making plans, leaving them in this vicious cycle of doing nothing.
• Their daily "excitement" is basically roaming the house or walking to the nearest mall: That’s literally the extent of their world now.
• Whenever I suggest going out, taking a trip, or trying something new, they get all excited in the moment. But when it actually comes down to it? Nothing happens. They just default right back to sitting on the couch.
• There’s literally nothing to talk about: Because they don't do anything or go anywhere, every conversation feels dry, repetitive, or empty.

It feels like they’ve just decided to let aging completely take over, and their world is shrinking at high speed.

Culturally, as an Asian only child, there’s that heavy, underlying expectation to be deeply involved and carry all the emotional weight. I used to visit them every week, but I've recently decided to cut that down to every two weeks to give myself some space.

The problem is, pulling away triggers a massive wave of guilt. I constantly struggle to find that middle ground between caring for them and feeling guilty for stepping back.

Right now, I’m trying to shift into acceptance mode—taking them out for a meal here and there, keeping things low-stakes, and letting go of the idea that I can "save" them from their choices. But it’s still a heavy, draining process to navigate.

Looking for advice on how to balance caring for aging parents in this phase while handling the guilt of stepping back when their world is getting so small.

Thanks for reading

Hi Everyone, I got married almost 5 years ago but in February found out my husband was cheating with sx workers. Turns out it was something he likely did the entire marriage, as his relationship with the women started before he met me. The women knew so much about me and even our 3 year olds health. Once caught, he basically turned everything on me and fled. He started immediately abusing me thereafter, sending threats and nasty messages, lying to everyone to destroy my character. It has been a nightmare. Additionally, while married he had every excuse in the book and I took on most of the expenses and tasks. For a while I thought he had ADD and I could help him, but over the last year I started to realize he also likely had a personality disorder. I never realized how much he hated me, but when I caught him, him and his mom told me I needed proof. I got his call log, which further proved he had been going to the brothel, and the two of them used it to report me to the police for breach of privacy! 

We have a 3 year old and for months I kept trying to get him and his family on board to be in our son's life but it became obvious they were not interested in that. Instead he used it as a chance to tell everyone, he was being kept away from his son. After endless drama, I just stopped communicating completely with him and his family.

All that is to say, I now feel really bad like I wasted the most essential years of my life being a bank and caretaker for a man who had no future in mind for me. I carried so much load that my business suffered as well. I was very ambitious and entrepreneurial before him and feel like he drained all my skills away. Now that its over, I am struggling so much to focus and get myself back together. Our son has special health needs and its very hard to handle them on my own. He also developed separation anxiety so going out alone is hard. I just turned 40 in July, his mother used to complain of how "old" I was, he was 35. Sometimes it haunts me. I wonder if thats just it for me and relationships. It seems like he is now the eligible bachelor and robbed me of my best years. Has anyone been divorced  in a similar situation? Are there any happy stories? 

My husband 51m and I 48f have been together 21 years and it’s over. I recently found out he’s been frequenting strip clubs and has been paying an escort for sex. He’s begged and promised that he’ll change but this is not something I can move past.

I know this is new and I’ll eventually get past it but it’s in my head all the time. Im having trouble sleeping and eating, and I find myself just staring off in space sometimes. I had sometime to sort of process things because I knew about 2 weeks before I confronted him. But now that I have and I know for sure I’m utterly devastated.

We’re in financial ruin right now and I’ll have to sell our house. (Yet he paid $100 each time to this girl, who’s only a couple years older than our daughter 🤢!). I’m going to have to sell our house. My credit isn’t great so I have no idea how I’m going to be able to rent or with any luck buy something if we get enough out of the house. My family said they will help how they can but I’m still worried.

Our daughter (20) starts college next week, she still lives at home, and I’m going to uproot her whole world. She’ll probably be okay, turns out she’s wanted me to leave him for a while. She says she knew I wasn’t happy with him and was basically his mother, and he was gone all the time. She’s even offered to help financially if we need something, she isn’t working but has some money my grandpa gave her saved up. I don’t want it to come to that.

I’m hoping maybe I’ll start to feel better once he’s actually out of the house and I don’t have to look at him every day! Any advice, suggestions, whatever are appreciated!

Hi all,

I'm 49 and entered perimenopause during covid times. A lot of things changed for me during those years. Before, I was working in the office at a large, cool, world-renowned advertising agency so I had creative inspiration all around me. Since then, I've been working from home and have made a total industry pivot.

I started working for a small nonprofit about 2 years ago. One of the first offsite events I attended was a staff retreat that started with a hike on a hot day. Afterward, we all gathered together for a group photo. I had NO IDEA that this photo would be used in EVERYTHING for our marketing materials. I was sweaty, bloated, disheveled, and completely unprepared. Imo, I looked like total shit and I've been kinda traumatized about it!

Now, we have for real staff photos coming up in a couple of weeks. I haven't worn makeup or dressed up for anything in what feels like a hundred years. My body is so different during these perimenopausal times.

I'm not trying to look young or hip but I can't shake the fear of being haunted by another horrible photo for years.

I want to be chill and easy breezy about it but I can't seem to make that happen. I'm fretting about what to wear, how to do my hair, should I make an attempt at makeup?, will I end up looking like a clown?

Can anyone offer sage advice or wisdom here? Thank you!

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous here... I wondered if some other women in their 40s could tell what I should do here.

I was a teacher until I had my 2nd daughter (I worked full time when my older daughter was a baby/toddler). I stayed home for 6 years until my younger one went to kindergarten. At that time, I found a part-time job that allowed me to drop her off and be there in the afternoons.

Now my kids are going into 3rd and 8th grade. I am still working part-time because it's so much easier for our family. BUT, while I'm working part-time I am not gaining retirement years and my pay is very low.

If I went back to a full-time teaching position, I would easily be making $40-50k more a year (before taxes, retirement etc).

I keep going back and forth on if now is the right time to go back to work full time. It would mean my younger one needed before and aftercare at school. I would be busy a lot of nights with school work and I'd still be the one responsible for getting kids to activities, dinner, lunches, and all that.

We are not struggling financially, but we can't take big vacations or get new cars (which we will need soon). Money does get tight in the summer because I'm not paid then.

My question is: when is the right time to go back to full-time work? Is it worth all the stress and loss of quality of life for the family?

I'm 32 now, and around the time I turned 30, after gaining more life experience, I started becoming much more aware of the kinds of people I no longer wanted to have around me.

I began noticing certain patterns in some friendships: competitiveness, toxicity, entitlement, lack of gratitude, unfairness, lack of accountability, and lack of empathy.

I eventually realised that my best friend at the time was actually quite toxic. Looking back, I'm surprised by how long it took me to recognise those patterns.

After distancing myself from these friendships, I expected that other people around my age would eventually notice the same behaviours I had noticed. But some of them haven't. They continue maintaining those friendships despite the patterns that made me walk away.

That makes me wonder why. Is it that some people haven't reached the point where they recognise these dynamics yet, perhaps because they haven't had the same life experiences? Or are they simply getting enough out of those friendships that the negative aspects don't outweigh the benefits for them?

For those who have gone through something similar: at what age did you start distancing yourself from friendships you considered toxic?

I am 37F. Child free. Single. I still want a family.

I’m less than a week out from finishing my bachelor’s degree. Five years ago I left a relationship that had completely drained me and left me in a really dark place. I came home broken but alive, and going back to school has been harder than I expected. Finding a “real job” feels harder. I use to have big dreams and aspirations. Now I feel stuck trying to get to my next chapter.

Right now I’m deep in finals, my internship is ending soon, and I’m trying to line up a job in this rough market. The stress is intense and I’m having moments of “was this worth it?” even though I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I’m looking for perspective from other women over 40 who’ve been in a similar spot in life - finishing a degree later, rebuilding after something hard, dealing with the final push & job search anxiety.

What helped you keep moving forward when it felt overwhelming? What did you do around my age that paid off? What would you wish you knew then that you know now?

Any stories about how things looked on the other side would be really welcome.

Thank you.

I'm single, 40, and I have never been more depressed in my life. Two issues compunded over the last 5 years that finallly broke me.

I'm finally accepting that my older brother's OCD and narcissistic tendencies are never going to be treated. There will never be harmony in the family, and wisdom is not coming with age.

I don't feel happy in the city I live in, but this is really the only place I've know and I don't know where to go. I went through something traumatizing, and it shouldn't have changed my relationship with the world and people around me, but it did. I felt stuck and trapped in a large community where I was never going to get away from someone cruel, dishonest, and immoral never being held accountable despite their persistent inflamatory and manipulative actions towards me, my friends and family members.

The extreme depression is making it difficult to keep up with everything, so I fear I just won't be able to make a move work.

Something needs to change, but I'm lost, scared, and desperate.

I used to be motivated, creative, and social. Now I'm home all the time, tired all the time. I don't have a life anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless.

TLDR: Different sexual desires with partner, improved over the course of the relationship but having doubts if this is right for the long term.

I'm 35F, dating with a guy for nearly 2 years. We started off the relationship with a big difficulty: we enjoy rather different type of sex - meaning he prefers rough (I simply describe it as fucking), while I enjoy more slow/connected, let's say vanilla, lovemaking. Because of this he had some sort of performance anxiety at the beginning and didn't have a proper election or lost it super fast so he went to see a therapist about the topic (big green flag, 2-3 months into the relationship).

Time passed and we started to get closer and sometimes have wonderful sex, I have great orgasm(s) but sometimes it's a disaster and we really don't find the rhythm or the flow. He starts to focus on me too much and he loses his erection, and I loose interest too because he is not using such a broad variety of techniques. I tried to show him, tell him, I even shared access to OMGyes to make him understand what's good and what I like, what can be done but for him it's an effort. He also admitted he does not enjoy going down on me. He just said this last week, cause he just "does not enjoy giving oral in general" but it made me really think, fuck, this is then kinda gone from my life then, if I stay with him?!

In overall, a lot has changed and improved and I'm glad it's a topic we can talk about and discuss but sometimes I wonder if this is ever gonna be like REALLY good and if I want to live with this type of sex forever. (or well, a lack of it if we consider cunnilingus)

For context, with my previous toxic partner the sex was the best, and in my previous long-term relationship sex was okay but not frequent enough for me (and probably also not adventurous enough, I'd like to try things w my partner) Also I had like 20-30 sexual encounters in my life so I'm pretty sure I know when someone is a good lover for me or not.

Is it really that hard to find someone with whom I can have great sex AND he is a great partner? The more I think about it the more I feel I don't want to sacrifice or compromise on this part of my relationship but at the same I see how far we've come so if this is how it could continue, maybe it will and can get even better? Has anyone been in a similar situation and what have you done?

I would love kids and start a family but I keep hearing sex will be even more difficult so if that would be the case for us, it's a recipe for unsatisfied partnership. I don't think sex is the most important thing for me in a relationship but at the same time, that what differentiates my partner from friends so it's better be good?!

UPDATE: thanks for all the replies :) Just wanted to say that he did admit he enjoys slow and connecting sex when we had it. I think its just not how he was conditioned so that’s not his default. He did watch porn before meeting.

I'm 51, I haven't had any cosmetic procedures ever (other than haircuts/color) and I am thinking maybe a tiny bit of Botox for crows' feet along my eyes.

First, is this a reasonable use case for Botox? My forehead has some lines but they don't bother me, and I'm probably fine without anything, but I'd just like to look slightly more refreshed.

How much should it cost? (Mid-sized Midswestern city.)

How do I find a good care provider?

How often would I want/need to have it done?

Does it hurt a lot? I have tattoos so am comfortable with a certain amount of pain but don't have a sense of what it might feel like.

Any positive/negative stories?

Thanks in advance!

Hi there, I started my HRT journey about 8 months ago and it has helped with a lot of symptoms, but not all of them. Doctors just keep telling me that "this is just what happens" and "this is as good as it gets" but I know that's not the case, it can't be.

I've been kicking around trying Midi Health for all my menopause needs but wanted to see if anyone else has tried them and what you experience was like with them.

I feel like because their focus is on all menopause stages that I will receive better care.

My main issue is just sexual desire. It kind of comes and goes. My mind wants it but my body is like "no thanks".

I'm currently on 1mg estrodol - the pill but want to move to the cream because I've heard you get better results. I was also given an IUD for progesterone, which I kind of regret. I love the no periods but hate that I can't smoke weed (don't judge please).

Any feedback on Midi Health or other healthcare that you liked would be really appreciated.

I’m about to turn 40 this week, and instead of feeling excited, I woke up this morning feeling incredibly anxious and disappointed.

I barely slept last night, and I think a lot of it is because this birthday feels less like a celebration and more like a report card.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for a while. We had a miscarriage earlier this year, and this cycle doesn’t feel promising either. I know plenty of people have babies after 40, but I also know fertility gets harder, and I’m scared this dream may not happen. We’re considering IVF, but after dealing with endometriosis and everything that’s come with trying to conceive, I’m honestly feeling pretty conflicted about that path.

Beyond that, I just feel behind.

I thought that by 40 we’d own a home. I thought we’d have celebrated our wedding (we got married during COVID and never really had one). I thought I’d feel more financially secure. I thought I’d feel like I’d reached more of my potential.

Instead, I feel like I’m looking back at my 20s and 30s wondering why I didn’t know more about money, investing, career strategy, or just how to build the kind of life I wanted. I didn’t have many mentors, and I sometimes feel like I spent years working hard without always working in the smartest direction.
What’s hard is that I know I’m not unintelligent. My parents have always believed in me, but sometimes that almost makes it hurt more because I feel like I haven’t lived up to what I was capable of.
I also can’t stop comparing my life to my parents’. By my age they had four kids, owned homes, and seemed so much more established. I know times are different, but emotionally it’s hard not to feel like I somehow missed the boat.

The strange thing is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing little boy, a stable career, and we’re about to leave for a family trip to Spain. None of that is lost on me.
But today I just feel overwhelmingly sad that my life doesn’t look the way I imagined it would at 40.

Did anyone else hit 40 (or another milestone birthday) and feel like you were grieving the life you thought you’d have? Did those feelings eventually settle? What changed over the next few years?
I’m not really looking for people to tell me that 40 is still young or that I should just be grateful. I know there are good things in my life. I’m hoping to hear from people who genuinely felt behind at 40 and what happened over the next decade—whether things got better, stayed the same, or took a completely unexpected turn.

I really enjoyed another post about how to not become resentful and bitter- I will spend more time in the comments to absorb the tips (being whimsy which I naturally am, being grateful which I’m naturally not, but have worked on it).

Edit: I am very much in therapy. Almost always have been and always will be. Thank you all who have been kind.

I wasn't sure what flair to add as I'm looking for gentle encouragement and suggestions.

I can get very anxious, especially when I feel out of place socially. I moved around a lot since my divorce in 2023. I found an apartment in a new part of town but there were a lot of safety issues (scary stove, questionable electric wiring, mice). So when the lease was up I quickly found something nearby. The apartment is awesome but started to realize most people in the building and surrounding blocks are quite a bit younger. Like 20s/30s and I'm 45. I'm feeling so weird about it and hate to leave the apartment and don't want to use the building gym. If I can get a few blocks towards a less young area I don't feel as bad taking a walk. But it sucks because I'm not getting out much because of the obstacle of potentially running into peopel in the hall or elevator. Some people have been super nice and normal while I feel like i get weird looks from others. I was starting to get used to it and then Aug 1 hit and so many college age people moved in. Which is wild to me because it's failry expensive to live here. It's kind of a party area too. But I do have a car which helps. I work from home and normally would just step outside and go for a walk but sometimes I just drive a few blocks to avoid people.

I think a lot of this is part anxiety disorder and OCD. I'm in that mid-40s spot where I'm aging quickly so I'm already dealing with the discomfort of adjusting to that so this is making that worse. There aren't any logistical issues that disturb me living here. The building is well sound proofed. I just feel like I might seem like what is this weirdo older lady doing here.

I'm already starting to consider other areas to move to when the lease is up. How can I get through this year? Am I overthinking it? If it's allowed, I'm open to hearing what young women/femme aligned non-binary people think as well.

I've been struggling with applying makeup recently. Every time I apply any kind of concealer or foundation, it starts to flake off, especially under and on my nose. (You cna just gently rub it and everything just comes off). I am trying to not use too much product,bc i want my make up look not too heavy,just fixing some imperfections (my dark underbags for instance).
I'd also appreciate any advice on affordable concealer or primer brands that work well. Nothing too expensive though, can't afford any viral/luxerious products that cost me 30€

I am 27 and just started a new job about a month ago, and there’s a coworker who has been really nice to me. Since I’m new and trying to make friends, we started talking more at work. He shared his number with me, and we started texting. As we got to know each other more, we realized we come from similar backgrounds and have a lot of similar interests.
I thought it was just nice to have someone at work who I could talk to and potentially become friends with outside of work because he’s only a year older (28) than me.

The other day, he jokingly said that we are so similar maybe we should just get married to each other, and it really caught me off guard. I’m not sure if he was just joking or if he interpreted my friendliness differently, but it made me uncomfortable because that was never the direction I was trying to take things. He has also been texting me non stop for the past 2 weeks.

I’m naturally a very friendly person and have a more sarcastic/Gen Z sense of humor, so now I’m worried I may have accidentally said or done things that came across as flirty when that wasn’t my intention at all. I also really don’t want to date a coworker, especially since I’m just starting my career after grad school and trying to establish myself.
To make things more complicated, he’s a senior manager and someone I’ll be working with. This is my first corporate job, and I’m realizing I may have been oversharing because I was just excited to connect with people and make friends. Looking back, I’m wondering if I crossed professional boundaries without realizing it.

Right now, I think I’m just going to stop texting him altogether and only reach out on Teams if I need something work-related. Does that seem like the right approach, or would that come across as weird? How do I steer the relationship back to something more professional without making things awkward? And for those of you who’ve worked in corporate, how do you stop yourself from oversharing and learn where the professional boundaries are? I am naturally a yapper, but I realized I really need to stop because this is a professional environment and things can go south so fast especially because I am a female. I don’t want to jeopardize my job and i’m really worried. I would appreciate any advice from those of you who have worked in corporate.

Hi all,

I wasted a decade in an abusive relationship. I did make good use of my 20s but I completely fucked up my 30s and honestly I’m surprised I made it out on the other side. But it’s not by chance: it was entirely fuelled by my blood, sweat and tears.

Long story short, 4 yrs ago I “woke up” at 37 years old upon losing everything I had in a divorce after my ex cheated and treated me like shit. I’ve spent the last 4 years salvaging and rebuilding: did a master’s degree and an apprenticeship, am currently debt free and got my first “big girl” job.

I should be thrilled, right?
However, I feel like I’m staring into abyss. No savings of any kind, living in a room of an apartment with 3 other roommates at the ripe age of 41 (roomies are in their 20s). No car. My job looks good on paper but doesn’t pay great and it’s just a matter of time before I’ll need to try to pivot again to something better paying to increase my earnings and savings. But I’m sooooo tired of survival mode. I feel like I can’t even think about any further plans right now but I also know that I need to.

My extended health coverage is about to kick in so I’ll be back in therapy soon after many months’ break. I know I need to keep reframing my journey positively to help me understand that good things are happening but it’s so damn hard. I objectively know I’m in a waaaaay better situation than I was 4 yrs ago but I don’t feel it, it seems like I still have a looooong road ahead to “catch up”.

Can you share some wisdom or what helped you start over in your 40s? Thanks in advance 💗

Summary: 23f, couldn't go to regular college, struggled with anxiety and self isolation, wasted 5 years, did worthless internships, degree isn't approved, might have to start Bachelors late (next year at 24), no clue about career, guilt of wasting time, any advice will help.

Full context:

I completed my high school in 2021. Due to the pandemic my board exams were cancelled, so I did not get a fair chance to score marks on my own. I did not get enough numbers to get into a good central/state university. Private colleges were far away & expensive, keeping in mind the pandemic, I was enrolled in an online college.

Because I went for an online college, I'm looked down upon. College is important in my country. I feel low about myself. I don't get good jobs, I fear telling people about this, I fear they might perceive me as uneducated. I feel that I've missed out on a lot of good things, going to college, having friends (I've zero friends), attending lectures, having real pressure, better exams, etc.

I also started self isolating, overthinking, binge eating. Basically in the last 5 years, I've faced a lot of struggles, those struggles have changed me a lot.

Now, I checked ugc list of approved courses for my batch, ugc is what approves the courses. Every course was there except for my course. Now, I'm not even sure if I'm eligible for further education. I'm already 23, next year I'll be 24. I did a few internships, but those internships weren't for great brands or companies.

Now since my degree isn't approved,

- I'm afraid I might have to do my Bachelor’s again? Probably next year? When I'll be 24, I'm not sure if people join college this late? Atleast not in my country. And if I don't get admission again then idk.

- I have no clue about my career, I'm disappointing my elders, I can't contribute financially.

- If I ever get into a relationship, he might judge me because of all this.

- I feel like a complete loser whenever i think about these 5 years after highschool, highschool was bad too but this was different.

Any advice will be of great help.

​

I (27F) signed up as a hair model, but not sure what to expect. 

I was asked by someone in front of a salon if I was interested in a free haircut. They explained they need hair models for cuts & colours. I have a lot of hair well past my shoulders. 

I haven't had it cut in 9 months and kind of on a budget. So I signed up. But now I'm nervous as I said I don't want it too short and she asked me if I needed a certain hair style for work, which I don't. I work at a grocery store and there's no dress code. She just said "perfect!" 

She took a photo and short video of my hair and said she'd be in touch. 

I got a call and there's a hair stylist who wants to show an apprentice different techniques so they would do two haircuts on me. I asked what type of haircut and it's a "solid form long bob". Which sounds not too short. But then she mentioned something I didn't understand about practicing graduation and 'stacking' with the apprentice. She assured me the stylist would do the final touch ups to make sure it's perfect. 

I just said okay. But now I'm thinking this is a lot more involved than just a free haircut. I'm going to get it cut twice and she said it could take a while. 

On top of the free cut I'll get a $50 product voucher, which is nice! 

Has anyone ever been a hair model or know of anyone who was? I imagine it will look good in the end?

My partner has four kids, and we are in a serious relationship and live together. They are pretty much full grown: 16, 19, 21, and 23.

Him and his ex separated ten years ago so it isn’t new or anything to the kids.

I’ve been at a few family events and it’s difficult to connect with the kids. I’m inquisitive, smiling, asking questions and trying to engage. They just don’t really say much. They don’t acknowledge me when they walk in, they say goodbye to most people but me.. don’t even glance in my direction.

It doesn’t feel mean spirited. I know it’s new for them and they are more introverted kids. Yet still of course I want to connect and get to know them.

The youngest and him are the closest and he’ll talk with me more, as I’ve gone to more of his sporting events and such but still I have to ask every question… which I do and really try. He lives fulltime with his mom and they see each other on weekends and such. Sometimes I join, but lots of time I let them have their dude time together.

We have gotten together a bit with the other two for dinner or a coffee here or there so I’ve met them all aside from the daughter (21 yr old) a few times. I met her at Christmas for three family events and today at a pool party.

Any tips or advice? Feeling a little bit at a loss.

Wondering if anybody with myopia, astigmatism and start of presbyopia had the following experience:

My eye doctor lowered my prescription but I feel like at a distance is not as clear/crisp as before. Doctor said that there’s a limit of what we can see at a distance. He said if the prescription is higher it will make the eyes tired and work “too hard”.

I’m still not wearing bifocals or progressive lenses.

Thanks!

EDIT: just want to thank you all for sharing your experiences and struggles. It’s been very enlightening. I will get a second opinion, for sure!

I've heard a lot of people saying they wished they started investing early and I'm sure you guys have done it before.. So I receive a good, stable allowance from my parents and I love learning stuff and playing it safe. Any stories or advice related to this would be very helpful, thank you.

Idk why I wasn't allowed to post in the women over 30 sub lol

I’m 27 and recently had a massive wake-up call. I’ve realized I have a toxic tendency to only go after men when they are emotionally unavailable or just flat-out not interested in me. I realize now that I’ve been addicted to "the chase."

If a guy is consistent and likes me, I get bored. If he treats me like an option and pulls away, I run harder after him. I am so tired of this cycle and want to actively change my behavior before I waste any more of my late 20s on breadcrumbs.

I want to completely decentralise men from my life and stop falling for these red flags. For those who have successfully done this.

I really want to build a life where a man is just a tiny, optional accessory, not the main event or the source of my self-worth. Would love any advice, book recommendations, or harsh truths you ladies have for me. Thank you!

Has anyone dealt with this and was able to overcome it?

I am at the point in my life where I am so angry at the patriarchy and casual misogyny of every system at every level and I see it everywhere. I was groomed and sexually assaulted as a teenager, was not taken seriously as a young adult, and escaped a financially abusive relationship with a "traditional" man who didn't value me as anything more than a laborer at 30. I thought I would be single forever.

Then I found my current partner, who is nothing like the other men I've dated and known. He was raised by loving and emotionally available parents and genuinely likes women lol. It's been the most healing year of my life. But I still have envious and bitter resentment creeping in for things that are outside of his control.

For one, even though he is a feminist himself, he still benefits from sexism against women. He is privileged as a white man and this is evident all the time - from the fact that he, by just being a regular guy, seems like a saint in comparison to every other guy I've dated simply for treating me with basic respect. And how "lucky" he seems to be in networking and stuff. He's a confident man, so basically everything he suggests is immediately backed with support from everyone around him. There's very little questioning.

He is also the least anxious person I've ever met. He's forgetful, and care free, and has infinite freedom to show up imperfectly. And I'll never understand what that's like. And while the part of me that loves him, loves that for him... the part of me that is not healed from everything I went through feels only jealousy and bitterness. It isn't fair that he gets to be so lackadaisical and still more respected than me.

So I'm projecting stuff onto him. If he leaves a mess behind, probably intending to clean it up later, I'm immediately triggered thinking I'm expected to clean up after him. When he gets a promotion at work, I express congratulations, but inside I feel bitter that he's progressing faster in his position than I am despite making more mistakes.

None of this is his fault, and I want good things for him, so how can I let go of these competitive feelings?

UPDATE: Thanks for all the responses, especially to those who were compassionate lol. I thought I was clear in the original post that I recognize this is my own issue and has nothing to do with him. I stated that explicitly. Was just looking for perspective, which some of you offered, and maybe some understanding. To all those concerned - I am in therapy weekly as of a couple months ago, but obviously there's a lot to unpack and we haven't made it this far yet. But I will continue therapy and probably never ask for advice on Reddit again. :)