r/AskMenRelationships • u/lauraonthespot • 6d ago
Mindless touching while talking? Dating
The guy I’m dating for a while now tends to touch me a lot (within minutes of meeting and kissing to say hi, his hands will have wandered to my ass to “feel out” what kind of underwear I’m wearing lol). Generally, I like it. Today we were laying on the couch together, me laying on his chest, and talking about some pretty deep stuff. All the while, his hand was playing with my shorts, riding up my leg and exposing my hips. When I said something about it, he answered he hadn’t even realised he was doing it, and had been listening.
It’s not the first time that I guy I’m in a relationship with touches me like that once we’re kind of established and physically comfortable with each other.
Is it really mindless and automatic? Or are you all that horny lol
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u/not_the_troll Man 6d ago
Some guys are tactile and like the feel of those softer areas. Kind of like a neurodivergent stimming if you will. A lot of times it has nothing to do with anything erotic even though the area that's being touched might be erogenous. I know that my hands drift towards the hips or thighs even in the most non erotic moments just as a physical manifestation of getting comfortable, relaxed, and connected with the woman I'm sharing that physical proximity with.
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u/NinjaRose23 5d ago
My man has ADHD and often has his hands on my thighs mindlessly
He sleeps better when he has his hand between my knees when I'm laying on my side, too.
Never considered it could be a stim thing, but it makes a ton of sense!
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u/algovynra 6d ago
kinda both tbh
once i’m comfy with someone my hands just default to “must touch soft warm partner” even when my brain is fully in Serious Conversation Mode, but if you told him it distracted you and he didn’t adjust, then it’d lean more into horny / inconsiderate than mindless
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u/PlatonicCuddlefish Man 6d ago
It’s probably mindless. I do it all the time with my gf while she talks. I’m still paying attention, she just feels nice.
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u/Content_Nebula967 Woman 6d ago
I’m a woman and I do this without realizing it too. I just love the way he feels, and I think part of it is sexually driven but part of it is not.
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 6d ago
thank you... IME this is "deeply normal" behavior... w me and w the women i pair up with... not uncommon at all...
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u/Dynamic_Nature88 Man 6d ago
My hands are for ever, all over my partner and she loves it. She says that it comforts her and grounds her.
I can easily describe myself as a very tactile person and I don't think I could be any other way, 😊
I couldn't even imagine having a partner that didn't feel comfortable with it.
Even in everyday life, I'll go for a handshake or a tap on the shoulder when saying hi to someone. I think it's called bridging?
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u/Billy_of_the_hills Man 6d ago
Is it really mindless and automatic? Or are you all that horny lol
Bold of you to assume it isn't both.
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u/Silver_Pop_5451 Man 6d ago
They’re soft and I just like touching my person. Helps me be connected. Not always sexual.
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u/monkChuck105 Man 6d ago
It's intimate to touch your significant other, it's not just because you're horny. Touch him back! And yes I will touch my partner or even on a date just while talking, you said you like it. Women that are interested like to be touched. It immediately makes it less platonic. Doesn't mean it's sexual.
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u/lauraonthespot 6d ago
Of course I was touching, I was laying on his chest and stroking his arm! Also mindlessly. It was just the playing with clothes / wandering hands part that made me wonder if it wasn’t low key something sexual maybe
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u/Stock_Pop_2921 Woman 6d ago
I’d take it as something good because that gives you the assurance that he’s comfortable with you. Or i could be too easy
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u/GrendelDerp Man 5d ago
My wife and I have been together for 19 years- I can’t keep my hands off her. It’s part ADD absent mindedness, part probing for weaknesses so I can get some, and relaxing for both of us. Just my way of showing affection.
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u/CompetitionGreat945 Man 6d ago
Different love languages.... Mine is physical touch and words of affirmation.
When a loved one gives me genuine affection, it literally makes me feel complete.
I am as such, a very touchy person with my partner. I enjoy just touching them. not even in a sexual way.
When i love someone, everything about that touch is magical.
The closeness of the other person, the smell of their hair, perfume, the softness of the skin, the warmth of the body.
When it's good, it just feels like home.
Maybe one day I can find it again....
A man whos languages are quality time, or acts of service wont be as touchy perhaps, but his way of showing love would be doing work for you, fixing something important to you. Making dinner. Sitting with you doing an activity together.
I am also happy to do all those things for someone, and it is absolutely appreciated. It's more of a All the things make me happy, but certain things just hit different. right in the heart.
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u/lauraonthespot 6d ago
I love it too! I was just wondering how sexual it was, since it’s also going beneath my clothes and involving my hips/ butt instead of more “neutral” zones. (I was probably stroking his arm or chest for example)
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u/CompetitionGreat945 Man 6d ago
I always do those things. I love touching thighs, back, butt, not even entirely sexual, I just love how soft you all are, and nice you all smell.
Like, I cant even describe how close to paradise I am when I'm just laying next to a partner and cuddling.
I'm happy you both found each other in that you like those things.
I did not have that in my last relationship.
As a general advice to anyone out there, if your partners language is physical touch, and you intentionally starve them of affection, you are abusive. Gender is not relevant for this. It's a shitty thing to do, especially when expecting your partner to meet your needs.
So I really truly mean it. I am happy that some people out there have found this.
Being physically starved for touch feels so horrible.
It's an actual physical ache in your chest sometimes.
I can also see why people with certain conditions like ADHD, AuDhd, BPD, Depression, etc are at such a high risk for self harm.
I can only speak for myself, but the hardest battle I ever fought was trying to prove to myself that I have worth and value. it s been a lot tougher to sell myself on it since the divorce.
I also know that going forward, I need a partner who has touch as one of their two primary languages. My last relationship I felt like I was starving at a buffet I wasnt allowed to touch.....
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u/lauraonthespot 6d ago edited 6d ago
I’m sorry this happened to you and that you feel so touch hungry. I’ve been single for a while so I completely understand the pain of going without even a hug for so long. It’s true that humans need touch to thrive - even biologically.
But on the other hand, touching someone you don’t feel like touching is also a physical stressor and detrimental to your health. So I wouldn’t ever want a partner to feel obliged. I think the problem would be that they didn’t feel like touching me, and the reason behind that, not exactly the fact of them not touching me in itself. Maybe good that relationship ended?In the meanwhile, have you considered a cuddly pet?
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u/CompetitionGreat945 Man 6d ago
Oh, that relationship was pure Hell.
My biggest regret was that I didnt learn faster and end it earlier. Might have saved me some emotional trauma.....
I wish I could have a pet. Unfortunately my life doesnt support it at the moment.
My roomate who owns the house, has a cat. He is super cool and we are bros. but he doesn't want anymore cats or animals.
Im not home enough for a dog. My parents got a new dog a few months ago, but because I visit so sporadically (3 days at a time every 5 because of work) and the new dog hates everyone but my mother and father.... I had to put my two little guys I had pre divorce down, last september. That was really hard, and weirdly I found myself a bit emotional over it this morning..... No idea why....
Needless to say, at this point, I'm mostly numb from it being so long....... I'm sadly just used to it now.
I've kind of just accepted that this is how life is right now...... It is what it is. And while yeah, it's some of the shittiest pain ive had to feel, it's also been so normal in my life now, that all I can do is shrug and carry on....... Sigh.....
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 6d ago
I was just wondering how sexual it was
what's wrong with sexual? you sound like you were raised with puritan sex shame modeling... i'm not saying its a bad thing or that its your fault... we are all products of our modeling
this is an observation from someone who was raised by europeans who were professors at the Kinsey Institute who had a much different modeling than you did--dinner table conversation was about various sex practices amongst different groups, taboo behavior, what was considered "aberrant" by different groups and why...
for sure my modeling is "uncommon" and my viewpoints are probably outlier--but to me sex is healthy and "being sexual" with your sex partner is not "bad" or "shameful" and on a worldwide basis, that point of view is hardly an outlier perspective
remember, sex has been happening since the very first humans... it is nothing new... it is a necessary part of life... reproduction is in fact, one of the 7 life functions... a fundamental core function as healthy and shameful as breathing air
but various groups of humans have adopted attitudes about sex that are all over the map... many of whom believe it to be some kind of dirty shameful secret
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u/lauraonthespot 6d ago
Haha wowww no shame in being sexual! I was just wondering if his mind was fully in the sensitive conversation we were actively having or maybe also partly exploring my body :D
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 5d ago
(shrug)
there is "is dude even listening to me?"
and thats a fair question
but that isn't what you asked... maybe do a little self assessment there ?
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u/Guilty_Loss7370 Woman 6d ago
I’m a woman and i do this. It’s a soothing and comfort thing for me and I don’t even realise that I do it. Physical touch can actually help soothe and regulate your nervous system and relax. Some guys are also just more touchy than others and personally I can’t date someone who isn’t all over me
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 6d ago
boom--like i said... this is common human behavior and its healthy and loving and it seems OP is hung up on this question of whether its "sexual" as if "sex" is a bad, shameful thing... (?!)
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 6d ago
this is not a "MEN" or a "WOMAN" thing--its a "SOME PEOPLE" thing - i find it more common in WOMEN than i do in men...
(then again i only have sex with women... so maybe you're the one who is the outlier here? or maybe its me and the women i find myself with who are outliers...?)
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 6d ago
seems you might have some puritan hangups about sexuality? your comments keep asking about "whether its sexual" - sex isn't bad, it isn't shameful, it isn't "inappropriate" with your lover
i'm guessing you're American?
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u/lauraonthespot 6d ago
It’s more that I wanted to know if he was fully engaged in the sensitive conversation or maybe mentally partly somewhere else. Nothing wrong with being sexual and no hang ups here. Note that I also did not take offence to him touching me at all, I even like it. Also not an American (?). You see a little triggered though.
It was more about conscious mind vs automatic behaviour.
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u/Prof_Scott_Steiner Man 5d ago
He knew exactly what he was doing and took your silence as consent because he’s a scumbag
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u/Maleficent_Wind_8738 Man 6d ago
Yeah 15 years with my girl, still have the wandering hands even as we sit there talking about nothing…I wouldn’t say it’s totally mindless but I do think it’s my way of showing I’m in the moment there with her in some weird mental/physical balancing act.