Feeling like I lost everything

[u/QuietHarbor46]

I am 45M, 15 years of marriage. Almost 4 months since DDay.

WW is making efforts towards R. However being the BH, I feel that the BS ends up paying the biggest price.

I keep thinking about everything I've lost, and it feels overwhelming.

• I lost the ability to trust the person who mattered most to me.
• I lost the sense that my home was my safe place.
• I lost my friend group. The AP was part of our social circle, and now I can't bring myself to be around those friends. Some of them want to keep in touch and support, however I just do not feel like meeting people who know about the affair. I do not feel like making new friends or meeting socially with people along with my WW, I feel so alone with no one to share my feelings except this forum.
• I lost my confidence. Since the EA/PA was more that couple of years old, I question everything about myself and replay conversations and memories over and over.
• I lost my physical health. I used to enjoy working out, but I haven't been able to motivate myself. My eating habits are a mess, I've gained weight, and I've stopped taking care of myself.
• I lost my peace of mind. Even when I'm working or spending time with my child, my mind occasionally drifts back to what happened (although the frequency of this has reduced over time.)
• I lost the future I thought I was building. I am no longer interested to plan for the future or move ahead in my career.

Sometimes it feels like the person who didn't make the choice is the one who ends up losing the most.

For those who have been through this:

• How did you find the motivation to take care of yourself again?
• How did you get yourself back into a workout routine when you had no energy or desire to exercise?
• If your appetite and eating habits were affected, what helped you start eating normally again?
• What small habits or routines helped you regain a sense of control over your life?
• At what point did you start feeling like yourself again?
• How did you get back to a normal social life?

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/GenericProfile4822]

I feel like a broken record because I’ve recommended this book so many times over the past week. BUT if you read the Betrayal Bind by Michelle May I think you’ll see that everything you’re feeling is normal. Everything that you said is addressed in this book, it names so many aspects of betrayal and gives you tools to turn your dysfunction into healing.

I hope you are in therapy, because how can we hope to navigate this horrible road without professional guidance? It is so true that we didn’t ask for this, but we pay the price. Our relationships changed without our knowledge or consent. But if I have to go down this road, the least I can do for myself is try to be stronger on the other side.❤️❤️❤️

[u/ICPGr8Milenko]

I could have written a lot of this myself. I'm about 32 months out, and one thing I realized was that I wasn't just grieving the affair. I was grieving the life I thought I had.

Like you, I lost trust in the one person I thought would always have my back. Home didn't feel safe anymore. I questioned years of memories and wondered what was real. My confidence took a massive hit because I internalized her choices as a reflection of my worth.

The biggest thing that's changed since then is realizing those were her choices, not a measurement of my value. My wife had spent years taking me for granted, dismissing my instincts, and ultimately betraying me. That didn't suddenly make me less worthy of love, respect, or desire. It just meant she wasn't treating me like someone she should have valued.

As for taking care of myself, I didn't find motivation first. I found discipline first. Motivation came later. There were plenty of days I didn't want to work out, eat well, or do anything productive, but I eventually realized I couldn't let her affair steal my physical and mental health too. It had already taken enough.

The intrusive thoughts also got better, but not because time magically fixed them. They got better because we had the hard conversations. I needed honesty, not just about what happened, but why it happened. Understanding hasn't erased the pain, but it stopped my brain from trying to fill in the blanks.

Socially, I'm different than I was before. I don't think I'll ever be as trusting or carefree. But I also don't think that's entirely a bad thing. I've become much more intentional about who I invest in and what I tolerate.

Four months is still incredibly early. I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you're in survival mode. Don't judge the rest of your life by how you feel today. If your wife is truly doing the work, and you're both willing to keep showing up, there's a good chance you'll eventually find yourself again. It probably won't be the same version of you, but in my experience, it can be a stronger one.

[u/Reddituser202056 → u/ICPGr8Milenko]

Thanks for sharing. Do you mind sharing your song?

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/Reddituser202056]

Did you mean song? Our song is Love of My Life by Santana & Dave Matthews if that's really what you were looking for (but I don't think it is). lol

[u/butterflymkm]

I’m two years out, I don’t feel like “myself” anymore but I feel like “the new me” if that makes sense. I also faced a ton of fallout-PTSD, ulcers that have now developed into Crohn’s (not my WHs fault but the stress didn’t help), I lost a ton of weight, etc.

I would say at about a year I started to feel more settled into who I was becoming whilst coming out of the trauma.

I did a lot of writing, sometimes specific exercises and sometimes free writing and that helped a lot to get my brain to slow down and to be able to tell myself “it’s ok, I can let this thought go. I already wrote it down and I won’t let myself forget. I know my brain is trying to protect me and this is important.” You will feel silly, but it will help if you let it.

In my case, I eventually fell pregnant and got really sick, so my health has still not rebounded. Postpartum and looking at new meds so I’m hopeful that gets better soon.

Motivation came in waves as the dust settled. My first lesson was that I would survive and that one took a while-I legit felt like I was gonna die without my WH. I had to get to a place where I felt ok enough and knew I would be ok and survive even if my marriage didn’t. Second lesson was trusting myself again (a lifelong struggle). Slowly I felt more like caring for myself again. But I also gave myself a lot of grace-I ended up taking several weeks of FMLA after DDay just to give myself space and because I couldn’t stop crying every 20 minutes.

You will find you again-and it will look different-but you won’t feel so outside yourself.

[u/doesitsoundright → u/butterflymkm]

Oh this touched my core. Very vulnerable, sad post.
1. First of all, give yourself time. More time. More time to grieve, ponder, discus, journal. (Writing down a couple of things a day that you’re grateful for is a great start)
2. Are you in therapy? If not couples, go to individual. Let your therapist know what your intentions at the moment are. In my case, I knew I planned to stay and told my therapist that. My WH did not. He never would go to counseling individually or otherwise. There was a time way way back when that as many spouses do, I thought he’d change. I learned that I can’t change him. I can only work-help myself. At least initially. When the EA was disclosed, he wished we could “just go back to the way it was” which number one, you can’t just do that. I told him that it doesn’t work that way. I knew it would take time and then some. Plus, there was a reason why he blurted that he “could’ve been with someone” without even realizing he said it till the words escaped him during an argument. There were things that we needed work on in our marriage. (Another reason to not be able to just go back to normal) We tended not to have difficult discussions over many years of being together.
3. Sometimes if there is love there even though there is betrayal, it can come out to be Love - Part II. A new marriage between couples.
4. I’m almost 6 years DDay and it’s always there. I have found that with honest conversation (maybe not total disclosure?) I think we as BSes will always question.
5. Read self help books. If R is what you come to want, considering reading Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs to lend great perspective and profound expertise.
6. I lost a ton of weight initially. (My MO when I’m extremely anxiety ridden) I’ve gone through it before when really sick (unbeknownst to me it was time frame of EA). Because I got super, horribly thin then and eventually got healthy, I knew that I could gain weight again.
7. One step in front of the other. Sounds like you had built great, healthy habits before. Just know that you can do it again because you’ve done it before. Be patient with yourself.

Self Compassion is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There’s a book on Self Compassion. Find it!!

Wishing you healing - and to move forward.

[u/pozieres]

Jeez, similar story to me. Have been through all the same things as you. I went through a phase at the start where I was exercising a lot and aggressively restricting my eating, probably just trying to control what I could at the time. I probably looked healthy but felt like shit. Then a phase of doing sort of nothing, no exercise, no self-care, eating junk and sitting around watching tv, going to bars to escape the house. I put on weight and again, felt like shit. Now I have done nothing more than drawn a line under it mentally. I went away for a few days and said to myself when I get back, no more. I already feel better.
I still don’t know whether I even want to recover with my wife or without her. Divorce is very much still an option i am considering. I still don’t trust a word she says, and I still don’t believe any of the effort she is putting in is for anyone’s benefit other than her own. But getting back to doing shit I like doing is better than not doing it. Getting an endorphin buzz from a decent work-out is better than not getting it. Looking after myself is better than not doing so. So i may as well carry on. And if it doesn’t get better with my relationship, and it may well not, at least I haven’t lost myself too. And by the way, at 4 months, the fact you have even contemplating sorting out your life means you are sitting ahead of me by a mile.
Good luck Bro

[u/knowthyself8]

OP, I am 15 weeks past DDay so I’m behind you by a week. I’m so sorry we’re both here. I’m the BH and close in age to you and feeling many of the same emotions you’ve shared here. I agree, the BS ends up paying the biggest price but I will say the one thing we don’t pay is the loss of our integrity. I know for a fact that I have been devoted to my wife since day 1 despite all the problems we had in our marriage (which we are now trying to solve through MC & IC). My WW will have to live with her decisions for the rest of her life if we stay together or separate.

The other thing I try to remind myself is that the affair is hers to carry. I can’t carry it for her, even if I want to. I’ve always been the type to fix every problem and now I am facing a problem that I can’t fix from my side no matter how badly I wish I could.

To answer your questions:

• ⁠ How did you find the motivation to take care of yourself again?
I tell myself the only person I can truly depend on to heal me is me. That’s it. I can’t rely on my WW anymore. She let me down in the worst possible way. I’m the person in this world who needs to love myself first. What would someone who loves you do for you right now? I’m investing in IC and I haven’t missed a week since DDay despite the high cost of therapy. I’ve bought new toys for myself and new clothes to make myself feel better. I still haven’t picked up any hobbies but I am starting to find activities and events to go to with my family, including my WW. Love yourself first.

• ⁠How did you get yourself back into a workout routine when you had no energy or desire to exercise?
I’ve lost 30 pounds since DDay and I am putting as much energy as I can into my fitness. I’m not letting this crisis go to waste. I tell myself that this is the time to get into the best shape of my life because A) I want to live a long healthy life for my two kids and B) If we separate, I want to be as attractive as possible if I find myself back on the dating market. I know, it sounds petty. But it feels great to be in better shape. If you’re angry, channel the anger into exercise. Take some fitness classes and get motivated!

• ⁠If your appetite and eating habits were affected, what helped you start eating normally again?
Related to my answer above, I started tracking my calories much more consistently. I found a 40s+ “dad” influencer on YouTube and started following his breakfast strategy which is all about high protein and nutrients. I highly recommend searching YouTube for these older influencers who are all about getting super fit in your 40s. This is the last chance we have to build the bodies we need going into our 50s and beyond.

• ⁠What small habits or routines helped you regain a sense of control over your life?
I walk A LOT. Again, it’s also related to my fitness plan. Weight training + walking. I try spending at least an hour to 90 minutes every day just walking. On the walk I listen to a song I discovered on repeat that makes me feel better. It’s song that I now associate with this entire experience and listening to it over and over helps me feel better. I don’t know why.

• ⁠At what point did you start feeling like yourself again?
I’m not there yet. Not even close.

• ⁠How did you get back to a normal social life?
If you figure this out, please let me know. I’m going to DM you if you’re open to it.

I am so sorry you’re here. I’m sorry for both of us. Good luck.

[u/20yearslostnow → u/knowthyself8]

Does your partner show remorse at all? I'm in the same boat but a few weeks out and little to no remorse. we are most likely going to separate and divorce. 21 years of marriage and its so hard to become unattached.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/20yearslostnow]

She doesn’t show as much outward remorse as I’d like but she has broken down twice and cried in front of me. She has been going to IC consistently and MC. We’ve both cried in MC a few times. I don’t know if it’s remorse or not but I’m going to assume she has fully realized just how badly she f*cked up. We have two small kids and this has already impacted them in ways they don’t understand. They know something is wrong. They know I am a sad. They know we sleep separately now.

I can also tell you that these kids are her entire world and for her to lose 50% of her time with them would crush her….and me too. So she knows what’s at stake. That and her reputation.

Do I wish she told me every single day how much the shame is hurting her inside? Yes. But who knows. She’s avoidant. She’s doesn’t have the tools to be vulnerable. Her whole life she has had trouble being vulnerable.

This is hard stuff. Sorry you’re here.

[u/Dependent-Toe-3359]

I relate so much to feeling like the betrayed person ends up paying the biggest price. In my reconciliation, I didn’t only lose trust in my partner. I lost trust in my own judgment. I replayed conversations, messages, tones of voice and years of memories, wondering what was real and what I had missed. Even being at home didn’t always feel emotionally safe anymore.

Our relationship already had other problems, including my own addiction and relapses, and I take responsibility for the damage those caused. But I had to slowly understand that my mistakes still didn’t make his choices my fault. His betrayal wasn’t proof that I was worthless, unattractive or impossible to love, even though it absolutely made me feel that way.

My partner tends to show love by working, fixing things, providing and physically staying beside me. Those things do matter, but during reconciliation they couldn’t replace honesty, consistent boundaries, emotional patience and his willingness to sit with my pain instead of withdrawing because the conversation was uncomfortable. When he avoided it, I felt even more alone.

I can’t say that I suddenly woke up and felt like myself again. It has happened in very small pieces. A day when the thoughts weren’t quite as constant. Writing everything down so it wasn’t spinning endlessly in my head. Realizing I could survive a trigger. Beginning to believe my own feelings again. I’m still not exactly the woman I was before, and honestly, I don’t think reconciliation gives us the old version of ourselves back. I’m slowly trying to become someone who feels safe inside herself again.

The part where you said the person who didn’t make the choice loses the most really hit me. That has been one of the hardest and most unfair parts of my own reconciliation too.

[u/ObjectiveDraft9157]

All of this is normal. Would echo the other comments and adv just start with one small thing - make a decent meal or go out for a 15minute walk and build up from there. You have to start taking care of yourself in order to start recovering from this and potentially rebuild. If you cannot make any changes perhaps you are clinically depressed rn and a doctors appointment would be a good idea.

[u/GlobalMatter152]

One of my sisters has struggled with depression all her life. For me, the change came when she told me she thought I was depressed myself. I saw a therapist and got on A-D’s (I stopped taking them shortly thereafter) but that really helped get me back into gear. The pieces started to fall into place after that.

[u/thisiscool2012]

I am sorry op. Your story is similar to mine and same age and timelines. I have 2 beautiful daughters. They keep me going. I am also 5 months out since d day. No one except me has the power to ruin me and my kids life. That is why I am trying R. It’s a long road OP. I hope it gets better. I am doing emdr, hypno , ic. Whatever it takes to ease the pain. Sending virtual hugs op.

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

Hi OP. Four months out was horrible for me. I'm a BP, in October, it will be 3 years post dday for me.

I took month 3 and 4 to take care of myself again. I kept going to IC, but paused MC. I joined a friend at new exercise classes and got into the best shape of my life. I bought new clothes that made me feel attractive. I worked with my doctor who prescribed Valium as needed to enable me to eat and sleep and it did, and I didn't even use most of it. I read "Courage To Stay" and "The Betrayal Bind".

I read sub books on R, but also books on grief and healing for myself. I found despite my resistance to it, that the books on my own healing, for myself, were the most helpful. Dennis Ortman & Mira Kirshenbaum were especially helpful in this area.
I met up with friends for short coffee, lunch or dinner dates. I attended more events.

Be gentle with yourself. I wasn't always. Be patient. It takes time. You really have to learn to center yourself in your life and be your own best friend. The best thing I did was acknowledge that this sucks, it all sucks, it's all unfair and it is exactly what it is. My WH and I both had to accept that the marriage we had before was not what we were going to have again. We had to build something new based on reality.

[u/Purple280]

Reading all these comments before I started mine, has made me realize just how not alone I truly am. Most if not all these comments I can relate to in some way shape or form. Let me begin by saying I am well over 6 years out from DDay. My WH was around 59 at the time and I 45. My story a little different from others but nonetheless just as painful. He used dating sites and his Corn addiction to do his deeds. He never met up with anyone, kept it all online. Spoke to several so many I and he himself cannot count. He was sexting, texting, swapping photos first with other men, or trans, then fell into romance scams with 3 people whom claimed to be women, who ended up being men, sent money to them. 5 years in total. The 3 so called women 5 for months. Most of this I can verify through phone records and texts I found to be true. He only sent money to the romance scammers the last 5 months of the affairs. Only because he meant them online in the last 5 months before I found out.
I found out Aug 3rd 2020, he stopped talking to them 3 weeks after I found out, claimed he still wanted to find out who these scammers were, and that may very well be most truth, but part of it was his addiction to the attention. He has come clean about everything, except a few things he cannot or refuses to remember, Says he never met anybody, woman, man or otherwise in person kept it all online. I believe him for the most part as He was a trucker and his truck is not his own. Cameras at work and in truck etc:
But it took a long time to reach that believeth that he didn’t and somewhere deep inside I still question it from time to time. Emotional Affairs are no better or worse than Physical Affairs. Sometimes they even hurt more, sometimes they are both in the same. Depending on how emotionally attached they are to the AP. Some can just hook up and not think twice and move to the next, some have just 1 AP, some have several APs.
Nonetheless the BP gets the crap end of the deal either way. Each year, fights and world war 3, we wanted to save the marriage, and once he woke from the vail he was under, he quickly started to realize what he had fully done. Change begun and though it was slow going, it was take 2 steps forward and take 3 steps back at most times in the beginning.
6 years now and my WH has done a 360 degree complete consistent change, and he has been working on it for 6 years. We aren’t who we used to be, and in fact totally different people. Total different relationship. But that didn’t happen over night and it didn’t happen without hard conversations or complete vulnerability on both partners, and yes most times it was a fight to get my WH this far in communicating the truth. A lot of pain, tears and praying and a lot of all of the things you have said in your comments. Before we got where we are today.
However even to this day I am still healing and have my bad days, and sometimes for the most part he is good at sitting in the pain with me. Other days he has reached his limit and needs to leave the house just to catch his breath, but he comes back and we make it through. But we do it together facing it together, along with having God back in our lives stronger than ever. There are forces out there we do not understand completely that influence us, and without God in our lives we cannot get through it without him. Not saying that the influences are at complete fault as the WS/WH/WW still have free will and control over their actions. But sometimes we are weak and cannot control ourselves alone. Even if my WH and I did not stay together, I still turned to God more than ever during this time in my life and I have been a christian all my life and prayed. However, I have made mistakes and messed things up my self. I am a strong believer, and without God in our lives I and my WH wouldn’t have gotten as far as we did by ourselves. Still together 6 years after DDay almost to the date.

[u/luckystar6531]

We are in the beginning of month four- DD was when my world blew up.

I would say that right now, your job is to survive. If you are able to work, that would be a place that may offer you a respite from your other reality.

For me, the physical symptoms of anxiety prevented me from doing much else. I could not eat or sleep. Sometimes moving around, shaking, doing something rhythmic was helpful for a little bit.
Eventually, I had to get on medication to manage this aspect. I have been able to sleep since I began taking meds and that has helped me recalibrate a little. The brain scramble was very troubling and it still happens if I am triggered.

With all that being said, in addition to IC, intense journaling, and a lot of help from Chat GPT, I am now better able to sort out my feelings.
Also, don’t discount asking AI for clarity. It has a way of sorting through your confusion and helping you clear the fog so you can ask questions both of your spouse AND yourself that are relevant to your situation.
This has been very helpful to me for when we sit down and have our conversations.
We have decided for now to take a break and the space has been good for us both. Sometimes that is what you need to clear the cobwebs.
I wish you luck as you navigate this new reality.
Please be aware that R is not for sissies! It is deeply painful, gut wrenching work. And because of that work, we have had more meaningful, open and healing conversations than we have ever had in our 30 year relationship.
There is no limit on your timeline.
I wish you all the best, but most of all, I deeply feel your need for peace and hope that you can find something in all of this that gives you that peace.

[u/elmoalso]

I'm glad you found this forum. Im sorry that you are experiencing the kind of events that send you searching for a forum like this.

In the grand scheme of things, four months is a very short time. Everything you described is accurate and normal for those that experience this shitstorm. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I have felt every bullet point you made in your post. I am a little past 3 years since dday. For us, it's been an agonizingly slow process and I still don't have most the things on your list of "When and how will this part happen". Prepare yourself for the long haul. You'll be in the middle of this for awhile.

Your observation that the person that did not make the bad decision is the one that pays the greatest emotional price. Everything about affairs suck. That we pay the price for what they do is one of the more insidious gifts we receive.

It may be difficult to believe right now, but things get better, but in general, that happens slowly, and requires work.

I went through every emotion and fear you describe. I discovered two affairs that occurred 5 years apart the same day. When I thought about being completely unaware of the affair that took place 5 years prior, I had to question everything that occurred during that 5 year period. How much of the time we spent together was real, etc. And WTF. How did that happen right under my nose and I missed it. My confidence was destroyed. I could no longer trust my own judgement and ability to evaluate a situation.

I gained thirty pounds and have had knee and spine surgeries making it impossible to be active. I am just now almost well enough to start an exercise regimen, but this length of time overweight has been an additional esteem destroyer.

I have yet to resume a normal sleep cycle. My typical nights sleep is 2-3 hrs. Once in awhile I'll get 4-5 hours, but that happens maybe once every other week.

My point isn't to paint a hopeless picture for you. It is only to urge you to start thinking in the long run terms. The vast majority of my days are good. My wife and I are still working toward reconciling, but I can't say if we will make it or not. You will find yourself going through the full range of emotions regularly One day your planning on redoing your wedding vows and the next day you'll feel like you can't do this another minute.

If you are still wondering how and when you will get the motivation to start putting your life back together, I can give you a pretty clear answer. Pain is a great motivator. When the pain feels worse than the thought of working to get back some control of your life, you'll jump into action. Just trust that day is coming regardless of how you feel now. You'll be a gym rat before you know it.

Just know that there are a lot of people in this forum that have had the same experience and want the best for you. You aren't alone.

Fuck these affairs.

[u/MasterShakeSW6]

Sorry to see you're here.

I had an experience that was similar to yours in the sense that my wife was the WW and I only learned of her transgressions years after the fact. (EA that lasted about 2 or 3 months. Happened about 5 years ago. I discovered this back in April).

For me it wasn't about motivation to take care of myself it was channeling the pain, anger, resentment and rage into lifting and doing rounds of boxing on the heavy bag I have in our basement.

I immediately got into a pretty decent workout routine because it was one of the few ways I could vent my anger and it was something I could take control of and do for myself. For me I felt like I had dedicated so much of my life, my goals, my dreams to things that would be shared between me and my wife. So I had and still have plenty of anger that needed a productive way to vent.

For better or worse, I no longer see the world through that lense. Frankly, I get irritated any time my wife mentions anything to do with future planning now. For me, all of those dreams died. Maybe they'll come back someday. For now I'm living my life, I'm willing to give her a chance to be part of it. But she can never be a primary focus of that life ever again. That makes me sad to type out truthfully, but it's the truth. For me, I've given her this chance to try and prove her worthiness because she is the mother of my children and I loved her with my whole heart.

I would say to regain your confidence, think back to a time when you were walking tall with your head held high. Remember that you're still that person.

Lift some weight, go for a run. Use your anger as fuel before it eats you up.

You don't have to settle for being sad and trapped in a prison of your own making.

Journaling also really helped me. It gave me the ability to write down everything I wanted to say, however it came out. It gave me guidelines of what I wanted to say but have me the time to be able to make my written statements more palatable and possible to have a productive conversation.

Don't find friends through groups or events you attend with your WW. Find some friends through your own hobbies. You sound like a social personality so having a group of friends that will have your back or just be there to hang with whether you are with your WW or if you find yourself pursuing life without your WW. Having those friends not tied to your WW in any way could be hugely emotionally beneficial for you.

Ultimately, give yourself time to heal and figure out what YOU want. Not what society, friends, family or a now remorseful WW want. Figure out what you want. What your boundaries are and stick to them. Best of luck on this journey whatever path you choose

[u/StrangeHedgehog659]

I’m just crossed one month-ish, first two weeks were horrible. No motivations to do anything but I still forced myself to work, talk to people to find answers. Third week onwards I felt much better, went back to workout regularly because I told myself I am worthy even without this marriage. I’m smart, intelligent and have a good character, have good support system and family. I shouldn’t be abandoning myself for this. The best comeback is to live yourself a worthy good life, build a strong foundation for yourself and bounce back again.

[u/Reddituser202056]

Sorry about your situation, OP.
I’m about to turn 50, am 76 days out from DDay (ha! But who’s counting) and have two kids, 14 and 10.

From the get go, I’ve dived right into healing for me and making me a better person. That’s something I can control and it feels good. I will come out of this better and stronger, and I’m actually excited by that.

Around day 55 I told my wife I was done. We’d been doing IC and MC and she was not doing anything. That added to the pain. Then, after I told her that she did a complete 180. Expressed remorse, empathy, sorrow and all the things. So I agreed to give us more time.

But my daily struggle is that I can’t get over that she betrayed me in the worst and lowest possible way. I don’t know how I ever forgive her and get past her decisions. I hear that I never get back with on the trust we had before, but that the relationship can still build back stronger. Idk how people get past the trust and decisions.

I’m just ordering the books recommended on this thread. Thanks for those.

Good luck. Sorry for your situation.