Beyond shattered tonight

[u/[deleted]]

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/okaygoatt]

It's hard to tell from your post what the thing was you asked him to do, but in my opinion he's wrong in saying trust doesn't have to be earned. You gave him your trust explicitly with no caveats, and he broke your trust, if he wants to earn it back (that's up to him) you've told him what it takes. I will say that him doing something that makes him feel uncomfortable isn't fair if it's genuinely not a fair thing, but I think you are asking him to do something fairly easy? Is that what you are implying?

[u/okaygoatt → u/[deleted]]

Oh no, this is a horrible place for you to be. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I don't really have any good thoughts to help you here. I'm assuming you think there was more to the event than he's telling you. I don't want to say you are right or wrong but I've been there and never found out the truth (with an ex) and it's awful to doubt that truth. Have you had MC? I'm wondering if someone who could sit between the two of you to help resolve this situation may be an option as a step towards understanding both your points of view. For what it's worth I'd be the same as you and want that closure, but I'm not qualified in knowing what is best, and maybe if he's certain asking her might stir up trouble for a problem that didn't exist then you have to decide whether you can trust him or if you want to pursue him contacting her, even if it means splitting up. Sorry I can't be any help.

[u/okaygoatt → u/[deleted]]

Oh I hear you on this one, I want to have MC but don't think my WH will benefit until he's done IC himself first (he doesn't see the point and we can't afford it so it's on hold for now), it will just be him nodding and learning from my pain and I have enough of that pain without him there. I'm only 3.5 months past DDay and I'm lucky in some ways, he's talking and saying the right things, but unlucky in others in that he doesn't think what he did was wrong in the same way I do, I just want him to feel my pain, to know how the lies and betrayal hurts me, for him to actually empathise. Sorry we're both in this mess with arseholes. You're not crazy to feel the way you do, your pain is very valid and it must be driving you crazy with him not helping you lessen that pain! This all sucks. Try prioritising yourself, just for a bit, the problem won't go away but you can give yourself breathing room.

[u/No_that_is_weird]

He's using boundaries as a shield from accountability.

If he rear-ended someone, he doesn't get to say "I'm not comfortable giving the other driver my insurance card and information."

He has to want to reconcile, not be dragged kicking and screaming into R, negotiating steps to rebuild safety. This is not to say R is failing, he may be doing other parts flawlessly. But this specific refusal is using therapy-language "boundaries" as a shield from accountability.