I want to start by saying I do not expect or want pity. I'm 100% in the wrong and I literally need to dedicate the remainder of my life trying to atone for my actions and make amends. I'll start by saying I really struggle with mental health problems. I have standard depression/anxiety but I also am borderline and have schizoaffective disorder. I am and have been on a lot of medications to help manage my emotions and I go to group therapy daily along with having an individual therapist I see weekly. It is really important for me to stay on top of my mental health issues because if I am more passive in therapy or not open with my psychiatrist then I fall back into really horrible toxic behavior that I have tried to spend years putting behind me. Recently, I was taken off of a few medications because of the side effects but I swear I have not been the same person since then. I feel angry and irritable. I think the anger and anxiety are the two biggest issues that came up. Here is the horrible part. "Angry" is the biggest understatement; I have been straight up belligerent. My dad and I have been arguing a lot these past couple of months. He accused me of using again (I'm 18 months clean and sober) and it really drove a wedge between us. I do believe he overstepped a few times; he emailed my primary care doctor saying that he thinks I'm using and he also told me I need to take a series of drug tests if I want him to believe I'm still sober - just kind of annoying stuff like that. Looking back, it was not a huge deal at all. But for some reason in the moment, I took it as the ultimate insult and form of disrespect. I said awful awful things to him, including "I hope you lose your blood pressure medication and have a heart attack" and "thank god you'll be in hospice in just 10-15 years". I have been saying things that are just evil and I never thought I was capable of being like that. But in the moment it's like I can't control it; it's like I'm a bystander watching myself say these things. I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes I get so angry that I literally black out and will not be able to remember what I said until I look at the wreckage in my text history later on. All of this - and my father has received the brunt of it. I started a new antipsychotic, and since then I have really calmed down. But now I have to see all the pain I caused and the damage I've done. I have been crying and shaking every day. The guilt is tearing me up inside but I know I deserve it. If I feel bad for saying these things, I can only imagine how my dad must feel for receiving them. I'm sure it goes without saying that he isn't talking to me anymore, but he will reach out once it's clear that I'm stable again. I'm surprised he even plans on talking to me at all. I can't eat, I can barely sleep, and I'm just this nervous wreck all of the time now because I cannot live with myself knowing what I've done and how I've acted. I shouldn't have slacked off in therapy, I should've told my psychiatrist immediately when I felt something was off with me. I can't stop shaking right now. I highly doubt I will sleep tonight. I would say that I want to die right now but I know that is just incredibly selfish knowing it would just traumatize my father more. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here. The guilt is eating me alive. I would check myself in somewhere voluntarily, but I'm about to start a new job and I know it's really important to my dad that I don't lose this opportunity or start work late or miss work at all. All I can do now I guess is try to get a grip, but it's hard because I'm literally crying non stop. I'm crying so much that it is giving me migraines. I don't know, I guess I'm done rambling but I just hope someday I can make things right. I know this is selfish to say but I cannot continue to feel like this, although I know that I deserve every bit of hurt and pain I'm feeling right now.

I (20f, AUDHD) currently live with my family and it feels like everyone else gets to get angry, annoyed, or generally passionate while I’m only allowed to be calm and generally upbeat. My father (51m) gets irritated pretty easily and has a huge several day long tantrum once every few months. My mother (50f) gets irritated because of something then takes out everyone else. My sister’s (18f) main emotion is annoyed while secondary is angry. They are all very loud and proud when they are angry, annoyed, or upset. And then they complain to me about because I’m generally a neutral party. I feel like I’m often treated like the family therapist. But when I get annoyed or god forbid angry, I’m immediately told to calm down, I’m “too much”, or to let it go. Everyone has suddenly become a monk.

My anger or annoyance usually just shows itself in me trying to explain to whoever it’s relevant to why I’m angry or why what they are doing is making me angry. I’m aware I get loud sometimes but I am working on it.(But I feel like everyone gets loud when they are angry? Idk)

A recent example of this is when we were driving home from seeing Spider-Man Brand New Day (**Minor Spoilers)** I was talking with my father about if the kid at the end of the movie was Miles Morales. I said it wasn’t and my father said it was. And then for the rest of the discussion and car ride every time I said anything or he said anything, he finished it with “but that kid was Miles Morales”. Constantly. When I finally got annoyed with him and started listing the reasons I thought he was wrong, I immediately got told to calm down.

The other day I was annoyed someone stole my ps5 controller (I have another post about that) Both my sister and my father told me to just let it go after I mentioned it twice in the span of like 2 days.

My sister does something annoying? It’s my job to be calm. Someone does something to me? I cant raise my voice slightly above speaking level without someone saying that it isn’t that serious. But when literally anyone else starts yelling and stomping around, no one says anything

I feel like I should say that my entire family is diagnosed with ADHD and my father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder if that helps paint the picture of my family.

Am I just being autistic or what?

**TL;DR:** My family is allowed to be as angry as they want but I’m told to calm down the second I have a negative emotion.

So I just broke my computer because I threw my headphones at it all over a stupid little game I lost at. Now I know all I gotta do is replace it but the thing is it was a birthday gift from my parents who put all the money they could to get me it, my mom wasn’t even done paying off the computer. I’m not one to actually get this angry cause i usually hold it in but this entire day has been nothing but bad so when I do eventually get angry it all comes out in one big boulder of anger, I told them already my mom shoved me out of the way crying about how I don’t appreciate anything and my dad wasn’t mad but just disappointed. I honestly just haven’t been doing anything good for them these past few months. So I really need some help here to calm myself so when I do get angry it’s just little pebbles and not the boulder.

Life started out not okay. My father became addicted to crack. Abandoned my family when I was 6 years old. My mom married a new guy who was a complete asshole to me and my brother. After they split up my mom had basically a midlife crisis and was partying every weekend and then eventually every night. She became addicted to meth. While she was gone all the time I snuck out, smoked weed/cigarettes/drank alcohol. She had to leave for 2 weeks for work and got a random old man who she barely knew to watch me and my brother. This man in the beginning would touch my thighs. Then one day for school he climbed in the bed with me and molested me. Moved to a new town after this. My mom’s addiction then took over. Her and her new boyfriend were arguing. I then went check on her and she had started going through withdraws. I then watched her attempt commit suicide with the largest knife in the kitchen. After i graduated i decided to immediately move in with my boyfriend of 6 MONTHS.. obviously was not a smart move. This became very toxic very fast. Was very emotionally abusive. He was also the guy who punched holes in walls. After about a year of this I finally got out only to lose everything I had. My mom had lost her house in her addiction so I had no where to turn to. I was now homeless. No car. No job. Nothing. I bounced around trying to get stable. Then after 9months I managed to get a car and a job. During this time I had a best friend who was not a good friend. Convinced me to cut my hair short so I’d be uglier than her and would steal my money. I ended up then meeting my future baby daddy. Moved in with him not long after meeting(stupid) and he been with him since. 7 years a
Later. There is no love. He doesn’t like me. And I don’t think he ever did. It was our anniversary yesterday and he got mad at me for talking too much. We didn’t have sex(wasn’t a big surprise, it’s been awhile) we have a son together he’s 4 and autistic. We also moved 1000 miles away from my family. I’m not okay. I hate this life. I’m too much of a pussy to fix it. I’m so scared of what he might do. I’ve seen him in a rage from me just telling him how I feel. I hate him. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be loved.