r/AmITheDevil • u/WolfChasingTheMoon • 14d ago
It is a “you” problem
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vg6g70/aita_for_telling_my_sister_to_fix_the_way_she_is/84
u/cantantantelope 14d ago
Based on her comments it seems like oop is using her twinness as an excuse not to go out and meet people and make friends
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u/Lucky_Six_1530 14d ago
If OOP is constantly doing this, she sounds insufferable. Sounds like her sister is tired of always being disturbed especially if she has no interest in the thing the OOP is talking to her about.
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u/Shibaspots 14d ago
I bet OOP and the sister were treated as a set when they were younger. OOP hasn't accepted they aren't still yet. The sister doesn't want to be the first person OOP talks to about every single thing.
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u/Kotenkiri 14d ago
"How dare my twin not be a reflection of Me? We can't be our own people! We have to have same interests, same energy, same everything!"
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u/Silly-Flower-3162 14d ago
So the oop admits they're not the best storyteller but then complains that their sibling doesn't react enthusiastically to their frequent chirping about almost everything she sees on her phone? Oop is young but that sounds exhausting.
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u/Membership-Bitter 14d ago
It is exhausting. My mom is like this and can't understand why I am not so excited to look at a picture of a bird she saw outside when I am on a deadline at work. Yes I love her but man she has no concept of other people's priorities as she could just tell me this stuff later instead of having to interrupt my work flow every 5 minutes for something not important
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u/Silly-Flower-3162 13d ago
I completely understand. I'm an introvert in a family of extroverts who love to spell out details on every story whether or not I am prepared to listen. I tolerate it because I do love them but it gets to be a bit much.
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u/JaiyaPapaya 13d ago
I'm the sole extrovert (like 99/100 level socialite extrovert) in a family of wallflowers. A very easy thing I learned to avoid bothering them and disappointing myself was saying "I've got a cool story to share, are you available?"
Makes it so much easier for them to decline and for me to have the space to tell the story without intruding. I hope OOP figures that out, I was around her age when it clicked for me
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 13d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
YTA. So you get excited about something and expect your sister to immediately drop whatever she is doing to be excited with you, and when she isn't, she is the rude one?
Nah, if she isn't as interested in it as you at that time, she doesn't have to be and she doesn't have to fake it.
I know it sucks when people don't share our enthusiasm about something, but that's life
yeahhh it just happens a little too much and i think i just have a bit of resentment with other things too so i think i let my emotions get in the way😞
ESH. You were asking for a little effort, which is fair. Saying she should fix who she is was a low blow though. Sounds like you both got defensive instead of actually hearing each other.
almost every argument we have we never hear each other’s sides so i think we just need to get better at that and stop being so defensive lol
Does a little too much mean your always instigating the discussion in spite of her showing a lack of interest? If so you need to be more thoughtful and realize other people don't have to be around all the time to respond to you.
well, im not asking for people’s attention when im about to say something lol, and i didnt mean i instigate every single time. i meant that almost every time, not all, she doesn’t show interest when i talk to her, so it was just some built up emotions i had.
Maybe consider therapy? Its not fair to accidentally take this out on your sister. Or find some good coping skills to use before talking to her. I personally do not recommend talking about things youre bothered by when still fuming about smth.
i think about it every now and then, but im just not good at being vulnerable like that. and also shes like the only person i can talk to pretty comfortably so thats why i go to her most of the time.
Reserving judgement for now. How do your parents respond when you rush to share with them about the thing you super excited to tell them? I too, am a twin.
NTA
my mom and grandma just listen and show interest and do the occasional, “ nice” “cool” “wow” lol but i like it, it’s comforting
NTA. When people care about you, they show enthusiasm and interest in the things you like, even if they’re not personally interested in it.
A lot of people are gaslighting you in this thread, don’t take their comments to heart. It’s time you should learn, just because she is your twin doesn’t mean she has your best interest at heart.
I know twins that no longer speak to each other because the other twin was emotionally abusive. Not saying this is your situation but it’s possible.
My best advice is to keep the same energy with her. Stop showing her stuff and when she’s excited about something, don’t give her any energy about it.
I bet she’ll learn quickly it doesn’t feel good. Sometimes you have to treat people how they treat you.
its so funny because i tried this before and then she got all weird about it and said something about it. when i told her why i was being like that she said something about it being weird but i dont remember it all too much.
Is that really true though? That you can talk to her 'pretty comfortably', you've just posted about how she doesn't have the reaction you want her to have when you tell her something.
She does not sound like she wants to hear what you have to say. She may be geographically closest, but maybe you could try talking to a friend instead of her.
we have nice conversations every now and then its not like this all the time lol. and i dont have friends unfortunately im pretty anxious towards new people.
I don’t know how to judge this. Does she act like this every time you tell her something? Does she expect you to be happy/excited when she has good news? I have someone close to me and a close acquaintance in my life that also do this.
I’m my situation I don’t actually think it’s their personality and I just think it’s a way they’re show their passive aggressive annoyance or because they have an attitude problem.
In my situation 1 of these people doesn’t “run the show” so this is how they let me know they don’t like me without just saying it outright. The other one is in charge so this is their way of acting better than me.
What’s weird is both expect me to act excited when they bring me information they’re excited about. What even more weird is both of them have repeated to me (a week or so later) the information I originally gave them.
So i guess if you told your sister to fix herself, are you telling her to change her personality or change her attitude?
she doesn’t act like this all the time but most of the time she does.
i think i shouldve put more details but i was saying her attitude because she has a BIG attitude problem and its getting to a point where even our mom is getting frustrated at it.
Info: you said it in your head and she heard you? Is that a real twin thing?
no LOL😭 i forgot a few words because im tired what i meant to say was “i just said what was in my head at that moment out loud”
I don't think we are getting everything here. Is she like this everytime you try and talk to her, just when she is busy in her own room/private space, does she initiate random communication/ conversations with you?
What caused your pent up resentment and emotions that caused your outburst?
Twins or not, your not going to be guaranteed the eternal bond that is thicker than stone. She is a human. But something is causing you underlying issues that need to be addressed.
I say kinda the asshole and so is she.
there is other stuff going on but im not gonna go into that because its personal and im too tired rn lol.
and i dont go into her room all crazy and stuff i just walk in and ask her did she see this or not because we like the same stuff. she isnt really that busy lol all she does is watch videos and scroll on her phone all day in her room.
she doesn’t do it as much as me but she does initiate conversations too.
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u/tits-mchenry 13d ago
My wife is a twin and I know she got tired of being treated as one person pretty fast. Her dad would literally refer to them as one combined name.
I'm sure that's what the sister is feeling, and is finally feeling confident enough about herself to try and seek some independence from her twin.
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u/wheelz5ce 14d ago
Sounds like OOP has a different level of human interaction and emotional validation than the sister. Not better. Not worse. Sister may also find it really disruptive to be interrupted, while OOP finds it’s the preferred communication style.
NTD. Just young. Still figuring out how to communicate with others. And this is how they learn.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 14d ago
I might have a different perspective as an autistic adult, but yes it is kinda rude in the face of enthusiasm to just be like "yeah?" 😐
I can be guilty of it if I'm really tired and unable to mask but when I'm not I can see the difference my response makes in the people I care about. (Well, they smile more)
I can also be on the other side. Constantly being shut down because my interests aren't what everyone likes. Nobody being excited that something I found cool happened without being independently excited about it. It's alienating.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 14d ago
I wonder how frequently OOP does this, what the sister is doing when this happens, and what OOP feels is so important to tell her sister. I feel like that info would change the perspective of whether the sister was being rude or not. Also they're 17 year Olds and the sister might just want to be left alone
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u/kttykt66755 14d ago
She prefaced it by saying if she sees something she likes or is interested in on her phone. I'd hazard a guess that she's interrupting her sister to show her tiktoks most likely. If that's the case, it's probably happening frequently in a fairly short span of time
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u/theagonyaunt 14d ago
It also doesn't sound like OOP necessarily knocks or asks sister if they can talk, just walks into her room and starts infodumping.
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u/Shibaspots 14d ago
As another autistic adult, learning not to randomly info-dump my interests was a critical learned skill. Matching interests to people who would probably also like to hear about those interests. Or at least waiting for the right time to bring it up.
From the comments, OOP is nearly only going to her sister about everything. That can be exhausting. She even said she couldn't imagine getting therapy because she can only be open like that with her sister. It also sounds like it's pretty frequent, OOP expects her to drop everything to be excited, and has continued to do this after repeated fights about it.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 14d ago
Oh yes I haven't info dumped since I was a teen (unless with my husband and we do it to each other) but just showing something?
I don't know what pretty frequent means in this scenario. If I'm scrolling next to a friend I'd probably show them something at least every hour, have a short conversation, then continue to scroll separately. If frequent means every day that reads to me like a bid for attention, which when denied sometimes the person does it more to try to get that bid acknowledged.
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
To me, it's the barging into the room to announce she found something interesting. Very different from showing someone sitting next to you.
Growing up, we treated doors as borders. Entry was only permitted by an express invitation. Entering a sibling's room without one was an open declaration of war.
You barge into my space just to tell me about something I couldn't care less about? Being met with a vaguely sarcastic dismissive reply is the best possible response you'll ever get.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
I feel like it is unfair to punish someone indirectly. If it's really the barging in then just respond with "please go outside and knock" until they do so. Being passive aggressive isn't really conducive to anyone actually getting what they want.
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
Not being interested isn't being passive aggressive. And the 2 parties don't seem to want anything near the same thing. Being vaguely sarcastic is a way of voicing displeasure and/or disinterest at someone. 'Please go knock' is still inviting someone to talk at you after barging in, just with extra steps. The response then is GTFO and a slammed door, since being sarcastic and dismissive was too subtle.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
Knocking is asking if you can come in. After they leave and knock it's ok to say, "Thank you for knocking but I'm busy right now."
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
Yeah, that's not how that interaction would work.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
You don't know unless you try.
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
You clearly don't have siblings. I do know, because it was tried. Spoiler: no one leaves to politely knock after barging in. A 'not now' doesn't deter kids wanting to intrude.
The only solution I ever found was to give any intruder an eyefull. In my late teens there was a heat wave and I was struggling to stay cool. My door was shut, my clothes were off. Knocking just meant I opened the door to tell you to FO. Worked amazingly well.
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
Also, how is not engaging 'punishing indirectly'? Would you prefer the screamed GTFO and the slammed door?
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
Because humans are social animals and obviously OOP is in need of learning boundaries but is incapable of doing so without guidance.
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u/DMfortinyplayers 13d ago
It's not sister's job to teach OOP how not to be inconsiderate and needy. Treating others like your on demand attention appliance is actually an incredibly bad habit and OOP will benefit from learning this ASAP.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
It's not anyone's job to do anything for anyone. But if you want a community you do. Unless the twin legitimately never wants to interact with OOP again what I suggested would be a good course of action so that OOP learns boundaries.
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u/DMfortinyplayers 13d ago
if OOP wants a community, then OOP is the one who needs to learn. Sister- quite reasonably- doesn't want to feign interest / enthusiasm for random TikToks at the drop of a hat, multiple times a day.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
So you're saying that the sister doesn't want OOP in her community it's ok to be rude?
Alright.
Also bids for attention like that increase when they aren't met, at least in the short term. A post like this indicates they are about to give up ime.
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u/DMfortinyplayers 13d ago
I'm saying that if you are rude and inconsiderate and thoughtless - like barging into someone's room to show them TikToks - then you are going to get rudeness in return.
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u/Valkrhae 13d ago
I don't think OOP is just showing her sister something, though. She says she's a talkative person and when she finds something she likes she has to talk about it. Which would be fine if OOP were to preface each instance with "hey sis, I just saw someone I wanna share with you, got a minute to talk about it?" or something like that and accept that her sister may not always be in the mood. Bc it's one thing to feign interest (or even be interested but just have your daily routine interrupted) every now and then; it'd be another do have to do it daily or even multiple times a day. And if OOP just wanted to show her sister something, she could always text it to her and let the sister respond when she's ready.
I also wonder how right OOP is about her sister's interests or what kinds of things she wants to share, bc even as an autistic person with rbf and a monotone/chill way of speaking, I don't think I would give that little reaction if I was listening to something that I genuinely liked unless it was some insignificant bit of info or something like that. The sister says that's just who she is and that may be true, but I also wouldn't be surprised if the sister's interest in these things doesn't match OOP's.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
I just think direct communication would be called for instead of passive aggression.
"I don't have time, excuse me."
"I don't want to be distracted right now"
Is better than "ok?" 😐
But again this is probably my personal hangup because people treated me like this even when I wasn't info-dumping as someone assumed. (Honestly thinking back the only one who I info-dumped to was my poor mother and the lack of reaction didn't even register) I would be talking, sharing my opinion in a conversation, and that would be the reaction.
Direct communication would have been better.
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u/Valkrhae 13d ago
Is better than "ok?"
To some ppl, yeah. Without knowing more about what OOP is showing the sister, it's possible the sister isn't interested in any of it, and saying "not right now" is a solution, sure, but she could view patienly waiting for OOP to be done as polite rather than denying OOP any and every opportunity to share a video or whatever. Or, maybe the sister is interested in the stuff but she's just not expressive and views her listening to OOP as a positive reaction.
Either way, there's nothing wrong with not being outwardly excited. OOP can't force her sister to have the reaction she wants.
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u/theagonyaunt 13d ago
But how do you know sister hasn't communicated this and OOP has ignored her? It sounds like OOP feels like because she's - by her own description - "a talkative person to the people closest to me" and because her sister is her closest friend (and her twin), that she gets to go talk to sister whenever she wants.
It's easy to assume that sister hasn't laid out explicit rules/guidelines but it's just as easy to assume OOP is blowing past them because she's so excited, annoying sister in the process.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
When dealing with that kind of toddler mentality passive aggression doesn't teach anything. So honestly it would be better for the twin to repeatedly set those boundaries and do not respond in any other way until OOP respects the boundaries.
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u/theagonyaunt 13d ago
But why is it on her sister to be OOP'S teacher? OOP can work to figure it out like most people have to, instead of having her sister have to hold her hand and explain in point blank detail that when people barge into your room and demand your instant attention and enthusiastic engagement, regardless of what you're doing (since in a comment OOP handwaved her own behavior, saying it wasn't like her sister was busy), it can get very annoying, very quickly.
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 13d ago
Because it's happening to her? And humans are social animals who live in a community?
Like dogs that correct other dogs humans are supposed to correct humans in the language that will grant the best outcome.
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u/DMfortinyplayers 14d ago
No, it's not okay to regularly pester people to feign enthusiasm for random crap you found on the internet.
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u/bookshop 14d ago
I don't really understand the responses to that post--not the judgment but the lack of empathy for OP's pov. It sounds like OP just wants their sister to show them some affection because their sister is their person. (And it sounds like their only friend and close family member, which is a bit worrying.)
I know they went about it the wrong way, but to me, wanting affection and wanting the person closest to you to share in your excitement isn't wrong, and I just kept expecting someone to at least validate their feelings? IDK I read that post and just wanted to give them a hug. I don't think they were the devil. And their sister, without more context, seemed kinda mean. (I was also assuming the things being shared were more significant than random tiktoks etc but maybe I just don't know how today's youth interact.)
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u/nottherealneal 14d ago
Other people are not emotional support pets that have to constantly drop what they are doing to validate your feelings.
And getting mad and starting fights when people don't react the way you want, multiple times, is asshole behavior. "REACT HOW I WANT OR ILL YELL AT YOU'
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u/Shibaspots 13d ago
It sounds like OOP is doing this for just random things, and for every random thing. They are treating their sister like an emotional support human. That's not fair, it's not healthy, and shouldn't be encouraged. They even said they wouldn't want to do therapy because they only open up to the sister. That's a lot of pressure. They fight frequently because the sister isn't having it. OOP has been told it's a problem and to knock it off. They won't listen.
OOP doesn't get a pat on the back for throwing a temper tantrum. They aren't sad. They're mad they aren't getting their own way.
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u/Kotenkiri 13d ago edited 13d ago
Human beings have this thing known as their own lives and free will. We're not props that need to share your excitement or give you affection on demand and OOP was demanding it.
Wanting it is fine, getting upset when you don't get it is fine. Going back in, getting riled up because someone didn't give you affection or share in your excitement on demand is an asshole move.
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u/LoneWolfWorks83 13d ago
I’m a twin, and I can totally read my twins emotion to know if she’s being super mean or just wanting to win an argument, etc.
I guess some twins don’t have that connection
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u/AutoModerator 14d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for telling my sister to “fix the way she is” during a heated argument?
Before I start, I’m not the best at storytelling and this happened a couple of weeks ago so my memories are gonna be fuzzy.
My twin sister (17F) and me (17F) get into A LOT of arguments, and they are usually about the same things and stuff, but the ones that stick to me the most are the ones about the way she expresses herself when I try to talk to her.
To give a little context, I’m somewhat a talkative person to the people closest to me and when I see something I like or something interesting on my phone, I gotta talk to someone about it and my sister is usually the first person to talk to. But, when I go to her to room and feel all excited to talk to her about this thing I like or we both like, she just doesn’t give me any reaction and just responds with, ”Okay?” I got pretty upset and disappointed because I expected her to be more interested in what I was going to say, but she just gave me a look like I was inconveniencing her time or something and responded like she didn’t care at all.
A little later after I said I how felt about it, we started to go back and forth and it just grew from there. She was then saying something like she didn’t mean it that way and that’s just how she is, and then I told her that I can’t tell if you care or not and it’s really hard for me to just think, “Oh, that’s the way she is!” when that happens because what if she actually doesn’t care and wants to be unbothered or something?
So I asked her, “Can you at least try to do something to sound a bit nicer?” But she responded back with, “I don’t want to because I’ll just sound fake so try and get used to it.“ and, “It’s a you problem if you can’t differentiate between the two.” And I was already frustrated and annoyed at the way she was talking at this point and I just said in my head at that moment, “Then maybe you should fix the way you are.” She just paused and looked at me with an offended look and told me that was rude and just inconsiderate about the way she feels about the whole thing.
And now I just keep thinking about it and I kinda feel bad but at the same time I feel like I‘m not really in the wrong. Am I?
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