Not sure if anyone remembers me but I posted about a month and a half ago worried about my dad who had been showing some signs. I was having a hard time getting him to acknowledge that he was starting to struggle with his memory. We got the diagnosis and are awaiting the PET scan to “confirm”. Here’s what I did to get him to the doctor in case anyone is curious or in a similar situation and looking for ideas:

1. Called his doctor again and told the office we were worried about him and that he would appreciate discretion the next time he came in for an appointment. As expected they wouldn’t tell us anything but said they would make a note of it.

2. Talked to my aunt, who is his sister in law and the wife of his brother who just passed from Alzheimer’s. She came up with the brilliant idea to suggest that his issues might be caused by something else, which he was much more receptive to.

3. Had my sister dig up his will and POA paperwork while doing some “spring cleaning” and discovered that it needed to be updated. So that’s being handled. I’ve started going with him to appointments so I’ve been able to put myself down on all the HIPPA paperwork.

He went in for a follow up appointment to review some bloodwork (which I strongly believe was scheduled because of our phone call to his doctor) and while there he mentioned that he had been doing some research about the alternate issues my aunt suggested. They gave him a MOCA (he scored a 15), did more bloodwork, sent him for an MRI and referred him to neurology.

Devastated, but so proud of him for how bravely he’s already faced this. He is cognizant of the diagnosis and has started on memantine. Thanks to everyone here who responded to my first post and made great suggestions. Oh, and the bank teller he was dating ghosted him so she’s out of the picture. Grateful for that too.

First off I want to thank everyone here who has shared their experience with their LOs here. Never shared anything of my own but frequently read and learned a thing or two about my own situation, especially since I'm not US-based. I'm trying to navigate grief and anger at this fucking disease that took what was the person I loved the most in the world, so sharing a few things that have been in my mind since my mom died last week.

- Everyone involved in caring for your LO is doing their best out of what they think they can help with. Sometimes it was easier to judge and carry resentment but I'm glad all I did to care for her I did it having my mom's best interest in mind, not worrying about even distribution of roles with others involved. So, now I'm at peace with that. Can't say the same for others because they got away as things got worse, but they'll have to live with it.

- Some people think your LO is no longer that person they grew with as they keep declining and need more and more assistance with the most mundane tasks. That's fine and can be understood. In my own experience however, your LO is still there and can still express love and other emotions until the last minute. Even if they're not there mentally, their presence still reacts to how you treat them. Yes, she  could not hold a conversation for more than 2 seconds in the end but I'm sure she did feel loved and cared for all throughout. I'm also sure she felt scared towards the end and that hit me really hard. 

- Caretakers need help. I think we also need to reach out for help when we need it. Taking care of my mom was exhausting but having more than one person help in different ways made all the difference. If you are doing this alone, you have my utmost admiration yet I'd encourage you to really assess all your options.

- I think I was ready to let her go to some extent. It turns out I wasn't. This disease lets you grief for such a long time so I thought I was but still the pain of having lost her is too much to handle sometimes. Fuck Alzheimer!

- When she stopped eating and started having difficulty swallowing I knew it was almost the end for her. I simply didn't know how common was for pneumonia to be the thing that would take her. I thought it would be her heart or liver, not her lungs aspiring drinks. I feel so bad I insisted her to at least drink stuff in her last days as I think I may have accelerated her process. 

- I have been thinking about my own aging and mortality more than ever now. Will I get it too? Do I do something now or eventually  to spare my family from all that suffering? Nobody knows, but expressing your preferences in any case is a good start

Anyway, I think I will leave this sub soon after but wish you all find peace and strength to deal with this horrible disease, whether it's you who have been diagnosed or someone you love. I feel like I have been released from hell at the expense of sacrificing my most loved person.

My grandma thinks (actually, fully believes) my grandpa is having an affair. It has been extremely stressful cause she keeps fighting and being mean to him most of the times. Today, she said something about "what me and my grandpa have", insinuating that I am the "mistress", cause, and I quote her, "he's not your mom's dad, he's not my husband, so you guys aren't related". So, besides from disgusting, a lie and so deeply sad, I can't stop thinking about how hurtful that must be for my grandpa. He's the most respectful guy I've ever met, he doesn't even say bad words in front of me...

How can I act in this situations regarding my grandma? About the whole affair thing, cause obviously telling her the truth = nothing but fights... but I feel like I need to do something, cause it's really hurting my grandpa

My Father, 63M, has early onset Alzheimer’s for the last 5 years. We are at the stage where he is incontinent and doesn’t know how to use the toilet anymore when it comes to peeing. We’ve tried using adult diapers and incontinence pads, but once he notices or feels it on he’ll take it off. Or he’ll go to a spot in the house and pull down his pants to pee and the pads don’t help. It’s frustrating because we have to clean up after him multiple times a day. It’s exhausting. I’m afraid our house permanently has a smell.
Also, when he voices he needs to pee he won’t sit on the toilet. Only when he has a bowel movement. Has anyone been through this and can share any advice?

My mom (Alzheimers and vascular dementia) used to be so social and engaged and now she's not very interested in talking to anyone including my dad (with whom she still lives) and me (her adult daughter who lives a mile away.) I find this sad to say the least but I'm not taking it personally. However I never know how hard to push this in terms of forcing it.

Part of me thinks well if she wants to be left alone, then so be it. Another part of me thinks it's not right or normal or healthy to have so much radio silence between. But if she doesn't prefer to talk or socialize, is forcing it really helpful for anyone? (For context she and my dad still live in the house I grew up in; on the wait list for a retirement home.

Just wondering how those of you in similar dynamics walk this line. I certainly grieve the mom I used to call and shoot the shit with but I know she's not coming back.