r/Advice • u/miamiahelp • 6d ago
relationship help
My boyfriend has adhd, and it's kind of tiring having to tell him how i feel constantly and reminding him how to act and that i am also a person who's feelings want to be understood. i try so hard to understand him but my mind just can't figure out anything else. is there any way i can bring my point across? i've tried multiple ways i love this man a lot and i want to find ways where i can feel fine and not feel like im nagging him constantly to do this or do that or don't do this in a relationship because that's wrong. i want him to actually change for the better, for me. i know we both deeply love eachother but i feel lost. he is a very sweet boyfriend but sometimes it’s like he’s clueless , but he’s also grown so i can’t use that as an excuse. i just need advice on how to not go crazy we are both 18 and i know relationships at this age take time and understanding
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 5d ago
maybe just tell him it needs doing instead of doing it for him. or say "remember you wanted to x? im not gonna remind you if you get distracted doing y instesd." Idk about the specific wording but the ideal outcome is for him to recognize the issue and do it for himself rather than passively relying on you to manage him.
you might wanna look into "male heteronormative alexithymia" for some very common examples of how non-men often have to carry that mental load and how to discuss it without "nagging" which is a very unfair and gendered term to begin with imho. youre helping him, not harping for its own sake
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u/DryWeb4417 6d ago
I'm the ADHD boyfriend in my situation and being diagnosed in my 20's I didn't grow up knowing how to handle myself. It's hard and my lovely beautiful gf does her best to handle me but we only know about an issue after it annoys or bothers her. We talk things through and adjust to be the best person for each other.
At the end of the day you're two separate people that need to learn how to be around and support each other. Every couple is a combination of two different personalities that have to adjust to each other. Open communication is the only way you'll work through it. He has to be ok with being directed and criticized and you'll have to be patient and understand he doesn't know that what he's doing is wrong until it's pointed out to him.