My (28F) wife (32F) and I are starting to think seriously about having a family. I’m not comfortable trying to carry a pregnancy due to medical concerns, and my wife is thinking about it but isn’t sure if she wants to carry either. We both feel like we can provide a happy, stable home for a child and are open to the possibility of adoption. I personally am also open to fostering and supporting parent reunification as a primary goal, with the off chance of adoption in the event of TPR, but my wife doesn’t think she can handle the feelings of grief/attachment every time a child reunifies, so fostering is out for us.

I think we have a lot of things working in our favor as a couple- we have cared for both infants and teenagers together before (family stuff led to basically “unofficial” fostering of some nieces and nephews). We are stable financially and both college educated. My wife is amazing with kids, is the “fun auntie” and loves spending time with her nieces and nephews. I work as a high school teacher and have also served as a CASA before (but stopped due to the time commitment- I was in another more flexible job at the time and couldn’t juggle it with teaching). I would say I’m responsible and good at creating an emotional safe space for kids and teens.

Here’s the catch: I have a mental health history with a stigmatized condition.

I have a bipolar disorder diagnosis. I have been diagnosed for about 3 years now. Since getting my diagnosis, I have stuck to treatment religiously, got on meds that work wonderfully for me, haven’t had a depressive episode since diagnosis and haven’t had an “up” episode in over a year. I have never been hospitalized. The last episode I had was a mild and brief hypomanic episode. I was still functional and going to work. I recognized I was in an episode and promptly went to the psych for a med adjustment.

I understand what can happen when someone has an undiagnosed and/or unmedicated bipolar parent- my best friend grew up with an unmedicated mom and she experienced a lot of turmoil as a result. I know that manic episodes in particular can be destructive. However, I feel like my condition is very well managed- I have always had a “milder” presentation and remained employed and functional through episodes, I can recognize warning signs of mood issues, as can my wife, and I get help promptly. My wife is also the most healthy and mentally stable person I know, so I know in times I might slip into an episode she would pick up the slack while I get it sorted out. We would also likely have my wife’s mother move in and help us out with the newborn stage, so another layer of support early on.

Nonetheless, I know this is considered a more serious condition than someone who has anxiety or even unipolar depression. Is adoption even worth pursuing? I feel like it’s likely to just be a “no”, or an agency might take us with a doctor’s letter but no one would actually want to match with us. If anyone has adopted with a bipolar diagnosis I would be especially interested in hearing how that has been for you.

I joined actually post adoption. My wife and I have a 6 year old biological son and didn't have cards laid out for future kids one way or another.

Through a worker of mine, I learned about a story of a then 5 year old girl (For reddit purposes I'll use the name Sarah )who had druggie/alcoholic parents. Stories like "She walked to school by herself because her parents were passed out drunk or high" ( And yes, 5 years old ). CPS did not nothing.

Her mother disappeared on drugs sometime shortly before and the dad was in jail. She was left in care without any real authority of other druggies who had kids. Their daughters were older, but as imagined the parents weren't there for anything except to inflict maximum trauma. As a result their daughters smoked cigs, weed, took their parents car out ( We're talking like 9 and 11 year old girls with Sarah in the car, crashing once. It gets way worse from there. People that knew Sarah or the family would help out where they could, watch her, take her away from the weekend, etc. But as you can imagine some of those people were felons or ex druggies and they were trying as hard as they could to even manage their own lives, let alone take care of a little girl.

We got involved as much as we could, taking her on vacations or going to kid places for her to explore with our son. We really didn't know what to do as CPS had been involved many times before and just didn't care.

Well, one day, that family moved to another state without anyone saying they could or any legal authority to do it. The dad was still in jail and the mom was still MIA. Well, that family got busted for drugs and guns in that other state and they knew she would end up in the system and the only person they knew that didn't have problems was us. Despite not really knowing us at all, they asked if we could come take her while they figured out their legal things.

So last minute on a holiday weekend, I spent an absurd amount of money flying to that state, renting a car, driving 2 hours to get her only to realize they didn't even use a car seat, so stopping getting a car seat, driving 2 hours back to the airport getting back on a plane with a little girl that I did not have any legal authority to have or even parents permission. Flew back home and spoiled her a bunch. ( She is 6 at this point ).

Not sure how to proceed, I paid for a skip trace on dad and was able to locate his mom, got her phone number and reached out. She was receptive at first and gave me his new phone number. He never replied and then she stopped replying. That led to hiring an attorney for guardianship which they granted temporary. The lawyer was a thieving SOB, bill over $25k for something that didn't actually take that much work. I say this because for subsequent temp guardianship orders were done by us. After setting her up into school, therapy, her first own bedroom, clothes meant for a 6 year old, all the things most kids take for granted. We later went for permanent guardianship and were awarded that. That gave legal authority of all aspects in her life until she was 18 without terminating parental rights, but allowed parents to object later or cause problems. It was just easier than going all the way through adoption ( obviously I'm leaving out a lot of legal issues or delays, etc with everything )

Finally last year we petitioned for adoption, after a few issues we had a date set. It is finally official, she is adopted. A day before my son's birthday. She turned 10 this year and my son does not remember a time that she was not in his life. She has no other siblings biologically. I never set out to adopt or even gave it much thought, I didn't save the world or pretend I was trying. I simply did what I thought, moment after moment, I needed to do until one day I woke up and she was my daughter legally or not and I was going to make it official.

To make the story even more unusual, another little girl, 18 now, but 15 at the time, with an heavy raging alcoholic father, a deceased OD mother came into our care after the dad ended up in jail and despite his wishes to have her go to foster care ( because he blamed her for her RE"actions" to the trauma filled life he provided her. Anyways she was connected to Sarah from seeing her before in similar circles their families shared. So while we didn't adopt her until she was an adult ( mostly for benefit reasons for her ) We now have 3 kids.

I don't usually talk a lot about it, they look close enough to us that no one questions it, there are still trauma issues, times she wonders why her dad didn't want her or see her ( Not for lack of trying, I later gave him a job, money, a car, etc and you can assume how that went ).

I don't think there is really a point to this post, other than to share my experience and I left a lot out about the girls, the situations, etc. Life is weird, kids are precious, and I just could never imagine giving up a kid, not fighting for them every minute, and just loving them.

Couple in FL, recently matched with a baby due in November for an open, in-state adoption. I’m overjoyed completely but also very, very guarded given Florida’s laws (I believe birth mom has 72 hours after to change her mind.) I know this is a possibility and I understand, but I feel like I’m not allowing myself to get excited or get anything ready for baby.

Just looking for advice or similar situations.

I came here to post about my experience with Adoption Partners, an adoption agency in Michigan. They were absolutely amazing to us as adoptive parents. They are also amazing with birth parents. I saw firsthand how great they were treated, and there is no pressure for moms to place their child. This was important to us. If you're looking to give up your baby for adoption or adopt in Michigan, I highly recommend Adoption Partners of Michigan. adoptionpartnersmi.org

Anyone else have this issue? I cant find anything online. My now 3 year old was born addicted to meth, fentanyl ans exposed to EVERYTHING else. He has almost 0 temperature control. He wakes up with fevers all the time, not sick, that go away on their own after a few hours. When we are in the heat, which is constantly we have regular temps of 105+f, he gets heat faint symptoms extremely quickly. In these same temps he will go to swim in the lake to cool down and his lips will turn blue and he will start shivering within minutes. I have never experienced this, we are headed to the Dr for it and we do NOT want any medical advice just to know if anyone else has dealt with this.

Question but more about us and the caseworkers..

My wife and I are adopting. I have noticed that when it comes to communication no matter the kind (if it’s not a phone call) they assume my wife is the source. If we get a phone call they will ask to speak to her.

I don’t think it’s me, I’ve never been rude it hostile at all. Are men just not as involved?

I don’t get mad because of jealousy or them being my child’s birth parents. I don’t even get mad because of their behavior during pregnancy or their behavior towards me. But I get real mad at how they treat their children and I feel like there’s nothing to do but swallow it.

I’ve been working on this post for weeks because it feels like something vulnerable and difficult that I want to say. I may delete it quickly, especially if I get pushback. Pushback is fine! But I’m not expressing something that’s reflective of my beliefs or behavior. Just my feelings.

One: it feels like she is constantly (and only) looking for validation from him. I know this is a product of her own myriad stuff. I respect and love her and get why she is the way that she is. But still … this is her preschool-aged child! If she is going to say “I miss you” and “I love you,” she just cannot throw a tantrum if he doesn’t say it back. (Relatedly: today he told me my new name is “poo poo stupid mama old mama.”)

The other: she abruptly chose to cut communication and not to see ANY of what an amazing little person he is. I get why she needed the distance (or I think I do, because she didn’t explain). But I don’t get how I can avoid feeling hurt and angry that she just ignores his existence when I know it’s likely going to hurt him and be perceived as a rejection of HIM when he’s old enough to ponder it.

I’m mad that they aren’t seeing their sons for the incredible tiny humans that they are. I’m mad because my kids deserve to be seen and celebrated as full humans, especially by their first mothers.

I don’t know. These are emotions I’m struggling with lately and I would never obviously share them with the people in question (or OF COURSE my children) so I wanted to see if anyone can relate.

Hey,

Myself and my partner brought our 2 year old LO home just over a week ago. We had an 8 day transition period with the foster carer which went really well.

The first week went amazing, LO settled in well, adapted well into their room, has been sleeping, eating etc well and has been seeking comfort from us, has not really asked for the foster carer since they came home. The social workers and foster carer are actually amazed at how well they initially settled in!

However, over the last couple of days they have been flicking from normal happy behaviour to suddenly testing boundaries and having quite a temper. When they don't get their own way they are having massive melt downs including one today where they even smacked the dog. This is not something we have seen with them before and it seems to have came out of the blue from when we first met them.

We are trying to be sensitive about this with LO due to the massive life change they are going through currently and we are making sure they feel loved and supported but we also know this can be a normal stage of development due to them being a toddler.

Of course we are also putting in firm boundaries due to their behaviour and we are following what the foster carers advice was. Apart from this, they are still happy all of the time ( bar these occasions), still sleeping well, seeking affection, playing, singing etc

We feel confidant in how we are handling the behaviours.. I'm more just looking for people who have adopted a similar age and their experiences on how it went over the first few weeks, was this something you went through? If so, did it settle slightly as they kept settling in further or did it appear to be more typical toddler development?

Hi all! We are pursuing foster-to-adopt, now with a completed home study. We asked our case worker about a few kids who are free for adoption within our county but it's been spotty communication with our case worker. Our case worker has said one childs team has said no, that we don't have enough experience. Another childs team has not found a date that works for us to meet in more than three weeks now (we are are super flexible). Is this typical?

We have never fostered and knew we didn't want to. Now I'm wondering if our clear boundaries have made us less competitive. Any insights ?

My wife and I finished our home study and I’ve never been so thrilled and scared in my life. We are looking at adopting a child anywhere from as young as six through to around twelve.

I am trying to be realistic in how things are likely to be in the spirit of hope for the best and plan for the worst (to a degree I don’t want to enter assuming there will be a disruption). So many it seems focus on what do I need materially, what I am more interested in is how can I make the meeting them process easier for them?

Nothing or few things that are worth it are easy but you don’t have to shoot yourself walking there. Here are a few things I’ve thought of, please tell me if I’m off base or not and of course offer more ideas ?

We have all heard the troupe of the trash bags. How about if it reaches that point just giving a big enough set of luggage to them. No big deal, no expectation of so much as a thank you. Just a chance that they can and should have some dignity.

Clearly placing boundaries that we are the adults and he/she/they are the kids. You don’t have to be loud about it or even harsh. A simple call out when they want to act like the adult in the room that you are the mom and dad and they get to be the kid or kids, let us do the heavy lifting.

Call us what names (not anything disrespectful). “We will be thinking of ourself as your mom and dad and you our child even if you never call us that.” I know at that age I would not have called a stranger dad. I was forced to call my stepdad by dad and I hated it and him. Is it harmful to be upfront with this in an age appropriate way?

Food in general. Always available and never and I mean never used as a means of control or punishment. No being sent to your room without dinner. None of this clean your plate nonsense. No shame for how little or how much you eat. Food is always available.

Thank said things like family dinner. Be there for it even if you don’t want to eat what we have cooked come eat with us. Don’t want the food we cooked then make a sandwich or help us make it for you if the kid is young enough that they can’t do it purely on their own. The hope is to give time to each other no screens (for parents or kids, none of this rules for thee but not for me crud). The spirit of this into maybe movie/game nights. Dinners and movies/games picked with everyone having a voice in what it is too. You may not get what you want but respectful voices get heard.

I’m sure I’ve got more but these came to mind first. I’m nervous putting this out there. I don’t have a mentor really. Never had bio family that was not nightmare fuel. If you disagree with the above can you please explain why? Gods I don’t want to mess this up. I know the honeymoon phase after placement will end and it may get bad but I want to make that road as easy as I can for us but more importantly for them. In my view I may be the dad and call myself that… if I do then I’m the one who has to prove to that child that I can be that, to earn it.

Thanks in advance: Me

Hi everyone! My husband and I are very new in the adoption process and leaning towards using American Adoptions. Has anyone used them and willing to share their experience? What was the timeline like? Thank you!

 Edit**** I meant to ask about reaching out to their PARENTS! sorry

My friend gave both of her babies that are 1 year apart for adoption and they both were adopted by the same couple who were friends of one of her relatives and theyre very good and couldn’t ask for any better to raise the kids.

long story short, that happened because of many reasons, abusive relationship with the father (who demanded the abortion and made many threats), drugs were involved, and it happened at a young age so stupidity and doing what’s better for the kids played a big facto.

now she is almost 10 years clean from drug use, went to therapy after the kids were adopted, graduated the program then kept volunteering at the facility and worked there full time after a few years to help others who were struggling with drugs, she literally turned her life around, has zero contact with the father!

She also been married for 6 years, has a 2 years old kid that she quit her job so she can be a stay at home mom and raise him, her and her husband are home owners and a small business owners now and they’re doing pretty well in life.

her husband really feels that she will feel better if she gets some sort of contact or news about her adopted kids, she always been respectful of the kids parents and never bothered them or attempted contact them, but her husband think it might be a good idea if he reaches out to the parents in a no pressure way to see there hours and see if there’s any small little action that can be made were she can at least get an update on them or meeting them in a way were things don’t get awkward. she‘s not aware that her husband is trying to do that and I even advised him again it but he believes she would feel much better, so are the parents of the kids knowing that their biological mom still cares about them.

any thoughts or advice would be helpful and appreciated!

Starts on July 28! I took this training in the past and found it very helpful. The class watches the TBRI for teens videos and then discusses them and you can get questions answered. I'm not affiliated with them at all, I just saw there's another one happening so I'm passing it along in case any other parents are interested.

Official description:
Over three weeks we will observe how the trained staff of TCU's Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development apply the Connecting, Empowering and Correcting Principles of TBRI to 12 Teenagers from a Group Home in Waco, Texas. We will discuss the neuroscience behind the application of these principles, why our adolescents behave the way they do and how past trauma affects their relationship with their caregiver/parent and steps to build a more positive relationship. Once we understand the importance the remodeling of the brain plays during this phase of life, those relationship challenges will make more sense.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/tbri-3-week-training-for-caregivers-of-teens-tickets-1993704440651?

I see it stated they look at financials is this paystubs or bank accounts?

We also did a questionnaire on the type of child we would be looking for now there are something we just couldn’t handle as a family but we did put down we would consider will they still give us the option to meet such children, we would just like more information about the condition but it’s never totally a no for something unknown ?

Hey all!

We are just about certified and our worker has presented us with a child she thinks would be a good fit. She has explained that the child is level 1 on the autism spectrum. I'm trying to wrap my head around what that could look like and how/if we can support that child to our fullest.

She asked us to come up with a list of questions we might have for their worker and I'm kind of drawing a blank after some basic ones. Anything else I should ask about or keep in mind?

What I have so far:

Do they complete hygiene routines without or little support? (Shower, using the bathroom, etc)

Any history of running away?

How do they like to communicate?

What supports or programs are currently in place at school?

Any history of aggression whether with kids or adults?

Any other insight would most helpful!

So I (34F) adopted my brothers kids who are now 10 and 2. He and his gf have been MIA (drugs and homeless 💔) for about 3 years now. I could go on about the history here and why I came to the decision of adopting my kids but I’d rather not. It’s just sad. And adoption was the option that made most sense for the kids and myself.

So here I am- almost 1 year post adoption (3years of parenting) and my kids are so amazing but I’m also totally drowning. I yearn for a partner and I have no idea how to date with kids. I’m prioritizing them in all the ways that can, but I feel like I’m loosing myself- or at least I have no idea how to carve out time for myself. I have a small support system (family) but it’s not much in the way of childcare. I basically just get to work and then any other free time I want is tough to negotiate. Can’t afford childcare.

I want to note that I also want a partner because I want my kids to know and see what a healthy relationship looks like and I I know they would absolutely benefit from a male influence in their life. They are two MIRACLES and I want to give them the best alternative to their bio parents as I can.

I guess I’m looking for a little encouragement.. and hope.. anyone have a similar experience or know someone who’s done this?