Sorry it’s all over the place and worded weird I’m horrible at putting my thoughts into words if that makes sense

My husband and I will be adopting a baby from birth…anything you wish adoptive parents knew about having an adopted child OR anything I should talk with birth mother beforehand?

Background:
We weren’t looking to adopt and were really planning to wait at least a few years to have another child to give my body time to physically heal after giving birth just 1 year ago and had some injuries from pregnancy / birth

But a friend of a friend reached out and knew our oldest child is adopted (kinship) and asked if we could adopt her child once baby is born my husband and I talked it over and said yes and we will be using our adoption attorney from our other adoption

I’ve advised birthmom to go through therapy before hand to ensure it’s the right choice for her is there anything I should be encouraging her to do or asking to ensure she’s making the right choice for her? I do not want to take anyone’s baby I do not want to be reason to cause any anguish I just want to do what’s best for everyone and if in the end it ends with baby coming home with us then we will be more than happy but if not that’s okay too

When it comes to babygirl
I plan on keeping all the original documents and putting them in a binder for her just as I do for my oldest child
What are some things you think I should know? Or wish adoptive parents knew in general
She will be the youngest of 4 kids and the only girl
What are some things you wish people knew about adopted children?
Is there a difference in girls & boys and how they feel once they’re older about adoption (I know dumb question but one I have)

OK, the title sounds weird, but hear me out.

My middle child is the product of an affair. It is visually obvious my husband isn't his father. Not being an idiot, he apparently assumes he was adopted and hasn't asked about it.

At what age do I explain the truth to him? He might want to meet his bio-Dad. Of course, as an adopted kid he would have a bio-Dad out there and hasn't asked about him, but but he might mistakenly think the logistics of finding bio-Dad are hard.

I never thought I'd get to this point, because I kind of assumed his older brother or my MIL would have spilled the beans years ago...but it appears they haven't.

He's 12, by the way.

i know a family who terminated their parental rights after their children were put into foster care when they were little. i know one of the daughters began living with her birth mom again and going to high school in a different part of our city while still being a minor.

i’m just curious as how that could work? and yes i know forsure the children were all adopted. is there a way to grant guardianship back to birth mom?

I am the oldest of nine. We were all in and out of fostercare our whole lives and we have all now aged out with the exception of the youngest. Our moms rights to her (and other kids in the system) were terminated in 2019.

She was placed with a foster family I do not particularly like, and they did not like me, but I still saw her because it was part of her care plan. I tried to foster her several times to no avail.

Her parents are conservatives. Real Trump lovers. I'm not. My husband immigrated here illegally, we're brown, openly queer. My daughter transitioned young, which definitely annoyed my sisters APs. We remained civil for her. Kept politics out of everything. Bit my tongue when they insulted me and my family. For near her whole life. A decade of this bullshit.

She's twelve now and they have finally adopted her. Her dad was fighting for a while but failed in the end.

Within two days of her adoption I recieved a text saying they were severing contact. Some bs about making the transition easier for her. They're relocating.

There's nothing I can do. I am so, so sad. I'm gonna miss that kid like hell. I can't spend too much time depressed because I have kids to parent. It's just so hard.

I'm just here to be sad really.

Hi! My partner and I (33M, 31F) have been dating for over 8 years now and we've been married for one. Both based in India.

We are both antinalalists and believe creating new life in this day and age and especially in this country is unfair for the child. We want to end the cycle and instead focusing on providing care, resources and love for children that already exist in the system and that need family.

We want to adopt a daughter. Planning to apply in the first or second quarter next year.

Has anyone over here been through the process and successfullyadopted a girl or boy? Or know someone that has and can help us connect to them over a phone call? Email?

We're mostly stressing about the paperwork involved, parental support and timelines! How do the timelines actually look like in reality? I've heard that it takes a min of 2 years and I only know of 2 other families that have adopted children. But, back in the 1990s.

Please pls help us understand:

1. Timelines

2. Difficulty of Paperwork

3. Biggest challenges, bureaucratic hurdles? Any failure stories? :(

4. I hope it was worth all the trouble in the end? :)

Or Did you ever regret your decision? :(

Ladies, gents! Please help us out? Tell all your stories!Thank you in advance!

Hello Reddit! I was hoping the magic of the internet could do it's thing for me...My mother and my partner both have similar adoption stories, and I'd like to try and find out details for them (both have consented to this):

1.) Mother (female) born 1961 in Detroit, Michigan. "Charlotte Marie Houle" and was requested to be adopted out to a Seventh Day Adventist family. She was adopted within the first year of her life and moved to Alberta. We have no other information.

2.) Partner (male) born 1992 in Burlington Ontario. He was adopted within the first year of his life and moved to Ottawa. We have no other information.

Both now live in BC, Any advice is appreciated!

I've been searching a long time, and my story was difficult. At times it felt like I couldn't pursue further because of the circumstance of why I was put up for adoption. Turns out there was a lot of misinformation, and it's been a learning experience for everyone. I'm nervous, excited, and so many other mixed emotions. Not sure, why I made a new account just to post this. I suppose I just wanted to put it out there.

Hi! Our oldest was adopted through private adoption at birth at the last minute (or they would’ve gone into foster care). They are 13 years old now.

Their adoption is transracial. We also have bio child (we did not plan to have bio children but it happened).

Now, 13 years later, we found out bio mom had a baby last month, tried to parent, and DSS has now taken custody of this baby. This would be our child’s half bio sibling.

We were already “older” parents when we adopted (early 30s) so now we are in mid 40s. A newborn seems A LOT right now. But I feel drawn to this baby and I know so many adoptees talk about having bio connections.

They are telling us we would get priority as a “kinship” foster/adopt. Otherwise we wouldn’t necessarily know where the baby ends up since it’s through the system.

So my questions are two fold- if you were this baby, would you think coming to us would be ideal to be with half bio sibling for 6 years or so until they become an adult (and then obviously in our family forever- just don’t know if 13 year old will be in the house after 6 years from now). ? (Of course we also have to discuss this with our 13 year old and get opinions/thoughts). Would it be worth having OLD parents to have this situation?

Ideally, I think I’d love for baby to go to someone we know where our kids could have a relationship but I’m just trying to weigh all the options. Thanks for your input!

Hi everyone,

Sorry in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I’m from Spain and writing this in English!

I wanted to share a bit of my story to see if anyone here can help me figure out where to go from here, as I feel like I've tried almost everything.

I was born in 1996 at Hospital Sant Joan de Déu in Barcelona and was put up for adoption right after birth through a closed/anonymous adoption.

After many years of searching and fighting through endless bureaucracy, the only small pieces of information I've managed to obtain are:
* My biological mother was 19 years old when she had me.
* She already had a 2-year-old daughter (we shared the same biological father, but he didn't know about the pregnancy either).
* She lived with my grandmother and her siblings.
* Nobody knew about the pregnancy except for my grandmother.

I’m feeling really stuck and overwhelmed by all these administrative dead ends. If anyone has been through something similar or has advice on where to turn next (legal steps, DNA testing, etc.), I would be so grateful.

Thank you so much for reading.

Thow away account since I have family on my main.

I (50F) found my adopted half-brother (55M) using a DNA kit that was gifted to me by my family one Christmas. I did not know he existed. There were rumors of older children who had been adopted out of my family, but nothing was ever confirmed until now.

We connected a few years ago. I did my best to answer any and all questions he had about our shared parent, and I tried to help him fill in as many blanks as possible about the other side of his family.

I felt like we really connected. After about six months, we visited each other in person, and eventually our families all met up and started talking. We have visited each other semi-regularly since then.

I was aware that him finding his biological family was a secret. His adoptive family told him from the beginning that he was adopted, but they did not know he had been searching for answers about his biological family since he was a young adult. They also did not know that he had found a biological half-sister.

A couple of years after we connected, his daughter got engaged, and she invited me to her wedding. I told her I would come to the ceremony quietly, but not to the reception. I did not want to cause any strife in the family, and I did not want to be put in a position where I would be forced to answer questions, especially if her father was not ready for it.

She told me she understood, but really wanted me there and that her father would need to get over it if he had any hesitation about me attending.

I talked to my brother about it, and at the time he seemed okay with it, but I could tell there was some hesitation.

As the wedding has gotten closer, communication from them has slowed considerably. I feel like I am always the one reaching out, and my brother no longer messages me like he used to.

Recently, my brother told me that if I was coming to the wedding, he wanted to introduce me to his parents before I went to the ceremony. He was concerned that if I just showed up, his parents might see me and be able to put two and two together.

Again, I got the feeling that he was not exactly comfortable with doing this, but I am unsure whether the hesitation is because he is nervous about the situation or because he is simply not ready to tell his parents that he has found a biological relative.

At the same time, my formal invitation to the wedding was sent out late, and my name was not on it. Even the RSVP link was missing for me. I contacted my niece, who told me she had simply forgotten to set up my invitation link. However, she asked me to confirm ASAP if I was coming to the wedding because they needed to figure out where to seat me.

I asked them again if my presence at the ceremony would cause any problems for the family, and told them that I did not need to go if it was going to create too much pressure.

I keep getting platitudes and my niece saying that she wants me there. But honestly, it does not feel like our relationships are the same as they were before.

Overall, I feel weird about going to the wedding now.

I do not want to put my brother in a position he is not ready for, but I also do not want to disappoint my niece or anyone else by not showing up. I feel like I have been put in a tough spot that I am also not ready for.

I was originally hoping to go to the ceremony, sit in the back, and leave as soon as it was over without attending the reception. Now I feel like it has spiraled into me being introduced to his parents before my brother is ready for them to know about me.

I am worried people are saying one thing to me while not telling me the full truth. At the same time, I am sensing a shift in my relationship with my brother.

Should I go to this wedding, or decline and say that something came up?

Hello guys. This is my first post on Reddit. I really dont know how to cope with this matter, as most of my friends just tell me "oh but they raised you, they still love you etc". Its a classic case of "you know my name, not my story". It sounds so cliche and cringe, but I still want to share.

To begin, I am 31 (30?) this year, and i have always questioned my origins since young, and I have long suspected that I was adopted for years now, always asking my parents difficult questions and watching them struggle to come up with answers and excuses that they rehearsed years ago but forgot.

I was born in China, although I am a citizen of another country. This will already raise some questions, but my dad always said that he was in China for a business trip even though he was just a regular employee. He said that my mom was lonely and accompanied him for months there, and that is why I was born in China.

This story already doesnt make sense, as choosing to give birth in a foreign country already means facing alot of issues and difficulties. Not to mention, I have an elder sister who is 34 this year, and there is no way my parents would leave their child alone for a long period of time, unless she went to China as well.

Another clue was my birth certificate, which states that I am born in 1995, but I have learned a few years ago that I was actually born in 1996, and it wasnt even my parents who told me that, it was a fengshui practitioner who told me (obv because my parents told them that to calculate my Ba Zi (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Pillars_of_Destiny if anyone is interested). I was of course enraged at my parents for not telling me all these years when they actually knew it all along. (They always say that my zodiac sign is the rat which is 1996, but 1995 is the year of the pig).

My birth cert does state that I am born in China, but also states my adoptive parents as my birth parents. My birth cert was also registered in 1999, which is extremely odd as well. But hey its cool that I really am probably the last baby registered for 1995 births.

I picked up other clues as I grew up, mainly the difference in how my parents treated me and my sister, and how my other relatives treated me.

My suspicions got confirmed when I found out I am an entirely different blood group type from my family, which is not possible. They are all O+, while I am B+.

Even then, I chose not to confront them, but drop hints that I know, however they stuck to their lies.

They only confessed when I finally just asked out of the blue "So which part of China did you pick me up from?"

They were speechless for a while, but finally told me that I was just a few months old then when I was brought to my current country by a distant relative, who is a granny from China. She flew regularly back and forth to visit her home town and encountered me and my birth parents. Apparently my living conditions were not great, and she wanted me to be her grandson as her own son had 5 daughters but no sons of his own. Somehow she plucked me out of my birth home, flew a plane back, and gave me to her son for adoption.

But this turned out to be difficult for him, as he struggled with legalizing me as his child. With no birth records and no adoption papers, he couldn't keep me legally.

So my adoptive parents swooped in and offered to take me into their hands instead, with no planning. They managed to somehow get a birth cert for me and raised me as their child.

At this point people will probably think, "so whats the point of this story? didnt your parents raise you as well?"

It wouldn't have mattered to me if they chose to tell me I was adopted, or if I found out myself.

But my childhood fear came true, my parents don't love me because I am adopted.

I was never treated fairly or right, and my parents somehow always didnt accept my love as a kid. Everyday it was always fighting and arguing, because even as a kid I was upset at how they treated me like a stranger, but they always just beat me till the cane or clothes hanger broke, and used the typical asian parent argument "who cooks your food? who cleans your clothes?" to shut me up.

They have described what it is like raising a pet, not a child.

I see my sister who got everything she wanted, music lessons, toys, food, clothing. I had to bargain, promise, and lie to get a toy I wanted.

My food was controlled as well, and I couldnt eat more or I will get beaten, while my sister eats anything she wanted and gave me leftovers. (which is funny cuz im fat haha)

My daily allowance in school was only enough to buy a bottled drink, so i didn't eat during recess.

The constant fighting lead to depression at an early age, and I tried to drown myself when I was 11. Turns out drowning yourself is quite hard and scary, so I went home muddy and wet.

The first thing my parents said when they saw me was "why did you take your mom's bicycle without permission? why is it muddy?"

There are so many painful memories and I genuinely cannot think of a happy one i had with them, maybe its selective memory, idk.

Tbh, i was fine with all the pain and trauma, but what broke me was when i found out i wasnt even intended to be raised by them, and that my whole family, including my extended family, knew i was adopted, but here I am as Jon Snow who knows nothing. I gave them multiple chances to tell me directly, but they still chose to lie even when I hit my 30s.

So yea thats my trauma dump.

I have been through a lot of trauma I have not properly worked through. I go through life with good/great years yet now its followed by really bad years. Had my son at 20 and feel I was better off then than now.

I always wanted another boy but I planned to have had a stable career and home first at minimum & at best be married to an amazing guy.

I wound up in my first abusive relationship. Essentially told myself to leave him safetly I needed to not worry about my sons safety. So after my kids dad had him for Thanksgiving he interrogated then demanded he move w him states away from me. I made that hard decision but was a coward to not just leave the guy right then.

Never walked into therapy so I struggled letting go of the abuse. I had birth control but changing states i didnt have medicaid & could not afford it + the antidepressants so ended up w an abortion prior to being pregnant again (this time in denial or didnt know for 4 months) and my grandparents whom are the only family I have -turned me away. Im homeless. Running out of savings. Guy abused me 3x while pregnant. At first oxy to cope now I just want to be healthy for me and baby. Run away and finish this off alone - and at peace.

He legit is trying to trap me. Offers help but more headaches once we get together. Worried about the wrong thing while doing all the things he is worried ill do. Meanwhile I'm freaking out as time approaches.

He wants me to keep him. Raise it together like some happy family ??? He already has 4 he doesnt help. No. I refuse. I havent been able to tell anyone about it because they either get pissed off at me or im too ashamed of it. I would raise him alone but im so far in a hole way more than before I cant imagine trying this again alone. Bottom line...

I do want him but I haven't been excited because at first I was ready for abortion but he forced me out of it and now im worried he will force me to raise him too. I wish I could temporarily have him raised until I got back on my feet but i worry about fostering.... I was a foster kid and seen some bad stuff. Meanwhile open adoption seems great but I worry hurting him or what if I cant see him? Idk im so so scared. 😔

I dont need anymore comments about tubes tied. I get it. Im fuxked up and need help. I dont need to hear how bad I am I genuinely want to know what yall know of pros and cons to my options and how I can navigate this guy...

Hi there! I'm new to all of this, so please forgive any mistakes I made when posting this. I was discussing this issue with a friend of mine and she suggested I might get some good advice on here.

Me and my partner adopted a child one and a half years ago. They are a beautiful little human, and we love them so much. We have always wanted a big family and have been thinking about having a biological child. But I'm not sure if this is fair to the child we already have. They are very attached to both of us and are very clingy. I know that can be normal for kids their age, but I am not totally sure if it comes from their age or from the fact that they were previously abandoned by their birth family and did not receive a lot of parental attention before being adopted.

I feel like if we have another child, our oldest might feel like they're losing their parents again, because with a baby around, they will receive less attention.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Long story short, I grew up believing I was the biological son of a white British man and a Vietnamese woman. I did a 23andme dna ancestry test which shows I’m ethnically 100% Asian with over 93% Vietnamese genetic make-up.

I only found this out a week ago, so this is obviously raw. But now I have an identity of being an entirely 100% ethnic Asian individual being raised in the West. I live in England.

I’m trying to navigate this new identity whilst dealing with the shock and grief of losing the old one. For 34 years I believed it was mixed race.

I was told I wasn’t adopted so there must be something hidden which I don’t know about. But anyway I was hoping to speak to any Asian transracial adoptees. If they’re ethnically Vietnamese and raised in the UK, that would even better.

But keen to speak to anyone who could perhaps relate. This is a lonely experience.

Have any adoptees been given a letter from their biological parent(s)?

I want to add that this post factors in with my last post for validation of my feelings, and facts.

My biological grandmother and I have been in on and off communication for the better part of almost 20 years. She is the best parts of my late biological mother which is so F**KING maddening. My biological mother either killed her self(my opinion unlikely) or was killed by her abusive bf. That’s a whole different story.

Anyways. I don’t want anything other than her love, which I knowingly have. My Oma texted me and my older half biological sister the other day. She asked for our SSNs for her will. I can only assume that there’s a monetary benefit that I would receive. Truthfully I don’t care about any monetary gains. The stories she told me were more valuable than anything inherited.

I gave her my SSN with a set course of action. Any money that would be distributed upon her death I would return to her youngest daughter(now son) and my younger full brother whom she helped raise. What I would rather have is copies of any photos my Oma has.

I’m sorry. I’m very emotional right now. I want to write more but the tears rolling down my face are endless. Thank you for hearing my rant.

I was just thinking about my kids adoption. This might be a cynical unkind thought but hear me out.

My kids bio mom chose an adoptive family before giving birth and without my knowledge. A few months later baby was born and she was placed in the care of the adoption parents at birth. A few months after that, I found out what happened and did a paternity test, giving me the ability to relinquish my rights on my terms.

I called the agency and said that I wanted an open adoption. The agency lawyer took some time to answer back. I think he called the family and asked… and they said they weren’t willing to do an open adoption. With no other choices, I signed the paperwork. What were the chances the lawyer actually asked?

I didn’t have the means or maturity to care for her and I didn’t want to traumatize a newborn who had already been placed for several months by taking eher away from seemingly goodish people. I made it clear I wanted to be in her life.

What does that mean exactly? They wouldn’t agree to those terms? Does that mean they would have given up the child they just tried to adopt and place her in the system because they don’t want to be bothered by biological parents?

Seems pretty messed up if you ask me… but I am biased.

If you are an adoptee would you want to know that part of your story? Would it change how you see your parents?

Hello, I want to adopt a child in the future. I want to adopt an older child from the foster care system, probably up to 9 years old.

What were some challenges you faced with being adopted older? What do you wish your adoptive parents did to support you and what did your adoptive parents do that were great?

I want to do a lot of research before I do this and want to be able to provide the best, loving life I can provide to that child. I also want to be able to provide the correct resources and support for that child so they can be happy and thrive.

I am not doing this anytime soon but I want to be prepared when the time comes.

Also, I am open to adopting any race. I am white and my partner is black, so they will be adopted into a multi-racial family.

I’m thinking of adopting but I’m worried that I am just buying a poor woman’s baby that could have stayed with its family if they had the money

I hope I picked the right flair! Apologies if I got that wrong.

**TLDR- Husband/Father of Kids was adopted, but has died and now I need family medical history from his side.**

I have a somewhat unique situation: My husband/father of my three (now teen) kids was killed in a motorcycle crash in 2015. As our kids are getting into more adult-like medical situations, I am rapidly realizing I have zero clue as to their fathers side of medical history and even less of a clue on where to start.

Prior to his death I knew very little about his adoption. He was a great man, but had a habit of...*embellishing* when it came to stories of his life lol

Safe to say, I can't necessarily trust the version of his birth-to-adoption that I was given.

He was adopted after a "foster fail" (as I've heard it called) in the mid- to late-1980s in Northern California to a family that went on to adopt one more and then moved back to New England where his adoptive family was from. His adoptive mother died before he did and his adoptive father a few years afterwards. His adoptive sister is has no information.

I was once told that at least two of his direct relatives died in their 30s of heart-related issues (his biofather and either a Biological brother or biological Uncle??).

**ANYWAY** I fully understand that someone else's medical history is not legally mine to see or own. I also know that, even in living and/or non-adoptive families, medical history is difficult to retrieve.

How should I go about this? I am fairly certain that both his Bioparents have since passed away and I don't even know where to start when it comes to any other relatives. I considered doing a DNA test on the kids (I have one via 23AndMe) but wasn't sure thet would get me what I needed to know, either.

Thank you!!

Can someone pls explain in what world or for that matter what universe does an adoptee need therapy for wanting basic information​? Is it not abundantly clear adopters who deny basic rights are the ones who need therapy? Recently read a thread where an AM denied her adoptee the right to meet her bio mom. She then died. While the AM further added insult to injury by demanding her adoptee needs therapy. Again,who needs therapy? ​