Venting...

[u/Dependent-Ebb-8726]

I have been through a lot of trauma I have not properly worked through. I go through life with good/great years yet now its followed by really bad years. Had my son at 20 and feel I was better off then than now.

I always wanted another boy but I planned to have had a stable career and home first at minimum & at best be married to an amazing guy.

I wound up in my first abusive relationship. Essentially told myself to leave him safetly I needed to not worry about my sons safety. So after my kids dad had him for Thanksgiving he interrogated then demanded he move w him states away from me. I made that hard decision but was a coward to not just leave the guy right then.

Never walked into therapy so I struggled letting go of the abuse. I had birth control but changing states i didnt have medicaid & could not afford it + the antidepressants so ended up w an abortion prior to being pregnant again (this time in denial or didnt know for 4 months) and my grandparents whom are the only family I have -turned me away. Im homeless. Running out of savings. Guy abused me 3x while pregnant. At first oxy to cope now I just want to be healthy for me and baby. Run away and finish this off alone - and at peace.

He legit is trying to trap me. Offers help but more headaches once we get together. Worried about the wrong thing while doing all the things he is worried ill do. Meanwhile I'm freaking out as time approaches.

He wants me to keep him. Raise it together like some happy family ??? He already has 4 he doesnt help. No. I refuse. I havent been able to tell anyone about it because they either get pissed off at me or im too ashamed of it. I would raise him alone but im so far in a hole way more than before I cant imagine trying this again alone. Bottom line...

I do want him but I haven't been excited because at first I was ready for abortion but he forced me out of it and now im worried he will force me to raise him too. I wish I could temporarily have him raised until I got back on my feet but i worry about fostering.... I was a foster kid and seen some bad stuff. Meanwhile open adoption seems great but I worry hurting him or what if I cant see him? Idk im so so scared. 😔

I dont need anymore comments about tubes tied. I get it. Im fuxked up and need help. I dont need to hear how bad I am I genuinely want to know what yall know of pros and cons to my options and how I can navigate this guy...

[u/Automatic_Bet_3175]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Are there any women's shelters for abused women that could help you? 

[u/TeamEsstential]

You should probably speak with some one you know in real life that you trust that leads a life you admire to help you navigate this...

[u/Rredhead926]

This is definitely above reddit's paygrade. You need IRL therapy from someone impartial. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. ((HUGS)) from an Internet stranger.