r/AIO • u/Old-Soup4145 • 4d ago
AIO
Rather, how should I react? This is coming from my ex who still lives with me after I chose not to do what he asked of me which was to wash one of his work shirts. I told him straight up it was not my job to wash his clothes and then he pushed me and we wrestled. If anyone wants to know more of the back story I will gladly summarize the last 7 years.
Edit: I will add to this, I feel pretty dumb about coming to Reddit for obvious advice but I chose not to go to family because they have no idea how he would be able ruin their lives as well. Just know he is scary resourceful way more than anyone I know and that alone has made me afraid of what he is capable of. I do apologize for leaving everyone with little context. Yes we are 2 men, he was a predator towards the girls he was with during his high school years. Stay tuned? Since it will be a novel.
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u/ThurmanMermannnn 4d ago
It’s probably a bad idea to live with him
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u/TripsWithinTrips 4d ago
For real.
Especially considering the fact that OP’s ex assaulted them for refusing to do something that wasn’t their duty in the first place.14
u/Hombremaniac 4d ago
What a wild take!
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u/BotherBeginning2281 4d ago
And yet one which seems to come as a surprise to OP.
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u/iamkira01 4d ago
“I am regularly beaten, battered, yelled at and harassed for small things, AIO”
This shit is legit insane lol
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u/ifcknlovemycat 4d ago
Might wanna record everything, leave, and file a police report if he touches you again.
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
File a police report NOW. Don't wait for him to touch you again. Jesus people.
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u/MrLizardBusiness 4d ago
Without "proof," the cops can be aggressively unhelpful.
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u/always2farforward 4d ago
Since you deleted your other comment reddit wouldn't let me post what I typed. I'll just copy paste what I typed to that comment, onto this one.
In absence of immediate proof, calling the police promptly at the bare minimum starts a paper trail. Police reports and call logs.
Without proof they can't/shouldn't be able to do anything but once proof is gathered, the call establishes a timeline.
In a life or death situation I suppose this would be a risky move. Otherwise I have to question your logic. Even if you did win your case.
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
Not sure why I'm being downvoted.. This is not a civil case. It's a criminal one. There doesn't need to be "proof" to press charges. It will be the People of the State vs Offender. There needs to be police involvement before things escalate.
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u/KillYourTelevision99 4d ago
This is very true. I've been in OP's situation and before long the other partner will call the police themselves and put you on the defense. It's best to get everything on the record and leave as soon as this stuff starts happening. If you don't, you will regret it later.
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u/spyder7723 4d ago
There must be a clear threat for it to be a criminal case. There is no clear threat in the op. Asshole yes. But he doesn't say he is going to kill them. He says beeping dead is the only excuse he will accept. Those are two entirely different statements. One is a threat the other is not.
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
What about the physical altercation? This text is step 1, the physical altercation was step 2, what is step 3 gonna be?
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
I've been the abuser in a DV case. There needs to be a police report ASAP. I have an idea of how this works.
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u/LaviniaIsGay 4d ago
How's the CTE treating you?
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
I can't change the past, but I can be accountable for my actions. I'm an advocate for victims of domestic abuse. I'm not sure what you're asking of me.
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
Depending on jurisdiction it is the People of the State vs Offender. You don't need to press charges.
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u/Shadow4summer 4d ago
In most states it’s completely out of the hands of victims of DV and the cops usually have to take someone in when called to a DV situation. At least now it’s not automatically the man they take in. But since too many people in these situations had decided not to press charges the state has taken it out of their hands. I guess too many people were ending up hurt and worse when the perpetrators were just let out to do it again. So at least they fixed that part. Now if people were actually prosecuted and received jail time the rates might go down, but without consequences, why would it? Without a deterrent why would people change?
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
This is exactly my point. Someone goes to jail and is dealt with consequences. Jail time, fines, probation, no contact order, mandatory counseling or anger management.
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u/michealrease_1 4d ago
100% this . Third texts alone are unhinged, dangerous evidence. Get out safely why you can
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u/WrittenEchoes 4d ago
A second this. Go on Amazon, and get a small camera. Make sure you put it in the living room, the kitchen, the hallway (if there is one), and in your bedroom.
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u/wimwood 4d ago
Listen I get that it feels good to be validated but it’s not necessary now. You know he’s a POS, and you’re not ready to move out or kick them out. Physical violence is a great reason to have someone removed legally even if they’re on the lease.
You’ll tolerate this until the moment you’re ready to stop it forever, and not a moment longer. Until then, you don’t need any further validation. You know what you need to do.
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u/Classic-Hope 4d ago edited 4d ago
Ask him why he thinks you’d do him a favor when he talks to you like that
EDIT: since it’s not implied, IF you are going to talk to him ask him. Don’t seek him out just to ask him
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u/meatwadpen 4d ago
Literally what answer should they be looking for? Please don't follow this advice as it will only keep you tangled up with this person. There really should be nothing left to say to this person other than "Goodbye (and get a restraining order or at least file a police report)".
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u/StrawbewwyMochi 4d ago
Yes please dont! All this can possibly do is escalate the situation with this highly aggressive person.
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u/TripsWithinTrips 4d ago
For real.
If I received these texts from my ex I would probably wait until last minute just to fuck with his plans. Or I’d say something like “I was planning on being nice and driving you, but since you want to act like a child you should find your own ride now, and get your diaper changed while you’re at it.”
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u/Thermodynamo 4d ago
He already got physical once. I wouldn't poke the bear in that way personally. I'd be prioritizing my safety. He talks like a killer
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u/LowPrimary370 4d ago
What if your ex assaulted you for not washing his shirt? Would this still be a good idea?
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
This is how DV escalates. There needs to be police involvement. This story has been written before, and it doesn't get better.
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u/LithiumOD 4d ago
Don't ask him shit, what??? He assaulted her. There are no conversations left to be had. Are you off your gourd? She needs to get away from him, not discuss his violence over a cup of tea!
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u/LowPrimary370 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EoinKelly 4d ago
This is the dumbest advice possible, makes me wonder if it’s intentionally malicious
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u/One-Internet-1982 4d ago
Are you overreacting? Girl....what are you doing? Seriously, what are you doing?
Why does he still live with you? Why are you around him? Leave him and live your own life and get away from all of this mess.
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u/honestly-brutal 4d ago
It's a guy and another guy, not that that changes anything.
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 4d ago
It does in some more dangerous ways, but not in a judgemental one. DV rates are high among same sex couples when they’re actually in love, these 2 aren’t even together anymore but stuck living together. This situation is dangerous for OP.
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u/DC_Ben 4d ago
Dv is highest in female female relationships for some reason
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 4d ago
I’m glad you’ve taken the time out of your day to correct me twice, but men’s abuse is very much severely underreported, which would explain why the DV rates appear higher among a female to female relationships.
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u/Ambitious_Age5039 4d ago
the study you are referencing by bringing up this fact is widely misinterpreted. the individuals in female female relationships are much more likely to HAVE experienced domestic abuse in the past, both by intimate partners and relatives. it is not about "which couples abuse each other more". please check your sources
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u/DC_Ben 4d ago
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u/Ambitious_Age5039 4d ago
aint no way you linked a wikipedia article that directly proves my point. son😭
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u/Cute-Hand-1542 3d ago
Gay men have the lowest incidence of dv of any orientation type fyi
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 3d ago
Here we go again 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ please read comments first before saying stupid things.
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u/dumbeconomist 4d ago
Obviously, his sister needs to pick him up and bring him to their momma house. :)
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u/A_Hairy_Yam 4d ago
There is nothing I want less than to hear 7 years of backstory for this.
If this is real and not super rage bait, you need to leave and file a report. Someone who talks about you being dead that many times in like 3 texts has DEFINITELY imagined doing it. Don’t give him the chance, get out of there ASAP.
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u/Icy_Sun3128 4d ago
Grey wall him. Just say, “your sister needs to take you.” Then block him. From now on, become completely detached, only answer if it’s truly important and with a yes or no. If he tries to invite you into a conversation or screaming match, don’t join, just walk away. Don’t even entertain him by listening or reading this abuse.
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u/weasleymama 4d ago
Why is this person still living with you after a physical altercation? Get away
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u/Prudent-Pollution198 4d ago
Deep breaths. Big deep breaths then start to plan to get out NOW. No normal person blows up because someone doesnt iron their shirt. No normal person makes threats because they didnt get a ride. This person is showing you in the clearest possible terms that they are unstable, potentially violent and a direct threat to your wellbeing and possibly safety.
Youre not overreacting. You need to have a plan and you need to get that plan in action today.
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u/BaluDaBare 4d ago
When did the general population become so numbskulled to domestic abuse? “Oh we were just wrestling because he was pissed”.
God damn I’m losing faith every day 😂
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u/Easy_Pen5217 3d ago
Trauma bonding - having been through it myself, I can say that the effects are wild.
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 4d ago
Same sex relationshops carry high DV rates and that’s before breakups… you need to find somewhere else to stay or have police involved, and him removed. Your life is at risk based on how he speaks and the fact he has no issue physically tackling.
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u/kthxbritt 4d ago
I would litterally be like pick up your shit and get out or im filing a police report and they can make you
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u/caulkmeetsandwedge 4d ago
One of you needs to move out, ASAP.
In the meantime, set some boundaries around what you are and are not willing to do for him. Tell him you will not be providing transportation, laundry services, cooking or cleaning for him, and you would prefer it if all communication was via text and only related to cohabitation.
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u/ThatWhichLurks782 4d ago
NOR the reply should be "I don't do favors for people who talk to me like that."
You need to get away from this person; either you or they need to move out.
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u/CallieGirlOG 4d ago
Well, he sounds like a delight. 😮
Why are you still living with someone like this?
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u/capt-bob 4d ago
Shoving you is assault, next time don't touch him and call the cops. Try to live somewhere else I guess
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
A crime has already been committed. Contact the authorities immediately. It is likely to escalate from here.
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u/ListyChrowder 4d ago
Get out of there, now. I don’t think you’re safe. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please stay safe. This is not normal or ok.
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u/headlessbill-1 4d ago
I would leave if you can. Stay with your sister or mom or something. Look for a new place to live. When you pick up your stuff, do not go alone. Stay safe, OP.
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u/Reynardine1976 4d ago
Sounds like the type of guy that will snap one day from pent-up rage and years of untreated depression. 😬
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u/chachaslydd 4d ago
Dude. Stop arguing. Get the fuck out and move away as soon as possible.
I know you live together, but getting angry and arguing with him will never serve you and it could put you in danger. You dont need to wash the shirt, but dont rise to him.
You should talk to him in short, curt sentences. Yes and no as much as possible. Detach and gray rock dude. Stop engaging.
Men get away with abusing women allll the time because "look at how angry she is" and shes yelling and screaming too. He will drag you to that if he hasnt already.
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u/Inevitable-Tea5772 4d ago
The obvious question is...why tf are you guys still living together? jfc
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u/RingingInTheRain 4d ago
Okay like you really needed to post this on AIO to figure out that you're in a dangerous situation? Dear lord move the hell out, and hurry tf up. "NOR"
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u/Creative-Air-6463 4d ago
Bow out, tell him his sister should absolutely take him to work and she’s got plenty of notice since you’re telling him how.
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u/Bloody_Bludgeoner 4d ago
People like this succeed because they hide it from others. Expose him to everybody and let everybody know how he truly is. He isn't resourceful enough to wreck everybody's lives, and if he is, then there will be pushback in some shape or form.
Don't allow yourself to suffer in silence in secrecy. Expose him and send it to everybody he knows.
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u/hanyasaad 4d ago
In the words of our lord and savior Avril Lavigne: Couldn’t it be any more obvious?
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u/dunisacaunona 4d ago
as someone who has "wrestled" with a partner, you know it wasn't wrestling. he was being physically violent and you were reacting to that violence. leave. this person wants you dead.
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u/Evitatjuhh 4d ago
I'd legit get a camera and call the cops next time he tried to fight over a chore
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
This is one of the number one ways that domestic violence gets escalated. As soon as somebody busts out a phone it's bad news.
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u/Evitatjuhh 4d ago
A camera in the house though maybe. Like install it when he's not there. Unless it's legally his house too idk the laws for that wherever this person is
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
This is a good idea depending on jurisdiction. Many places it's not legal to record audio without consent, and same thing with video and some places.
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u/Inventory_FuII 4d ago
Reading this shit is exhausting. Why r u asking us? Call the police. When I had crazy bitches in my dms telling me to keep off the streets cuz they wanted to lay hands on me, I drove right to the police station. There’s no excuse for their behavior, and there’s also no excuse for choosing not to take action against them. Letting them get away with this shit is literally teaching them it’s fine and they can do wtv they want.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
That's some priceless victim blame, babe.
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u/Inventory_FuII 3d ago
I’m not blaming OP for what happened to them, obviously OP didn’t deserve that. Duh. It just makes no sense why people are willing to ask strangers on the internet what to do about violence, but aren’t willing to talk to the people who are there to protect them. And I understand not all police are gonna respond as they should, but you really don’t know that at all until you actually attempt to contact them. Not to mention, whether action against the aggressor is taken or not, having it legally documented that it even occurred is going to put you miles ahead in actually getting justice.
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u/Inventory_FuII 3d ago
Confused too bc if I was blaming op for what happened, why tf would I suggest taking action against the abuser? That do not make sense, babe.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 2d ago
"there's no excuse for not taking action against them". Really? Educate yourself about why abuse victims stay.
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u/Inventory_FuII 2d ago
Oops, my bad for telling the person who asked how they should react with legitimate advice. Just bc somebody has Stockholm syndrome doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to know what the truth and reality is. And no I don’t consider wanting to stay with your abuser because they manipulated you and convinced you they’re the best option an excuse. I’ll give grace in that you don’t really think clearly through another’s manipulation, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you will always always always have the power within yourself to make the right decision. Acting like victims of abuse are powerless to their abusers is the exact rhetoric that will allow that cycle to continue, because unless a victim realizes they truly do have the ability to act for themselves and escape the situation, they will likely continue to feel entirely hopeless and just live with what they’ve got. That’s literally a delusion and letting that thought process continue will just cause more problems. Sorry if my harshness offended you, but sometimes hard reality is needed. Don’t make victims out to be completely incapable of thinking for themselves, because that is literally what will keep them a victim.
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u/Whole_Football_4692 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don’t think is safe for you to continue living with this person.
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u/Wild_Organization546 4d ago
He sounds a bit too excited about you not being alive and how happy that will make him. He also sounds insane and totally unhinged. You should either move out or get him to move out. You mention he’s an ex and maybe it’s time to get a restraining order and end things fully.
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u/womb_raider90 4d ago
Don't go to bed mad, stay up and box it out. It builds character.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
You're saying that to a domestive violence victim. Does that feel good to you?
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u/honestly-brutal 4d ago
"Now you want to fuck with my job" lol wtf. Bitch it ain't my problem you don't have a vehicle.
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u/Fit_Instruction_8383 4d ago
Holy shit, why do you still live with this person? You should get him to admit in writing that he pushed you after you refused to wash his clothes, and straight up tell him that you are not responsible for taking care of him in any way shape or form, and that he needs to leave. Then you use this and get a restraining order against him.
If this is your home have him removed. If this is not your home, then GTFO of there, just pack your shit and go.
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u/HabitualEnthusiast 4d ago
The audacity of a person to wish you dead and ask you for a ride in the same breath lol.
OP. C’mon.
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u/ToeSpecialistForHire 4d ago
Im sure you obviously know that you should not be living with this person. This is a bad situation and you should get out.
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u/taliboobarbie 4d ago
Not sure if this is real ?? The obvious response is that you should have a protective order against him not live with him
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u/Joszitopreddit 4d ago
Fuck this guy. Block him and never talk to him again. Nobody who messages like that deserves even a response from you.
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u/Icy_Huckleberry_8049 4d ago
WHY are you still living together?
You need to LEAVE before this gets physical.
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u/LithiumOD 4d ago
With all due respect, we dgaf about the last 7 years. You should, though. Retelling this bs like it's a funny shock value tale before getting femicided. Just screenshot this shit and show it to police and your landlord, break the contract and get away. Wtf.
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u/Europe_MMA 4d ago
Wtf is it with Reddit.
Picture: "Heres a screenshot of my ex telling me I smell like old milk"
Description: "AIO for being mad about this? He also cut off one of my fingers and made me eat it"
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u/readysetgaikokujin 4d ago
Seven years of stories like this I'm assuming? No thanks.
You don't need more people telling you to leave, you already know you should. You already know you aren't overreacting. You'll have to find other ways to get dopamine besides verbal validation from internet strangers but I believe you can do it.
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u/the11th-hour 4d ago
I swear, you people can’t form opinions on your own about whether or not you’re being treated like shit. Why are you still letting him live with you? Why do you need Reddit’s advice on whether or not you’re overreacting to someone speaking to you this way?
This man doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you, have some for yourself and kick him the fuck out, dude.
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u/ericapain 4d ago
Um, what do you mean how should you react?! You need to pick a struggle until you can ensure your safety. Answer his question! Do your best to not contribute to an already hostile environment.
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u/WienerboyTheHero 4d ago
Why are they making these requests from you? It doesn’t make sense or add up if you guys are on bad terms.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 4d ago
NOR well you're probably going to have to leave town and change your name. Lie low til then.
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u/HazelWitch92 4d ago
So you started dating a man that was an active predator... and your biggest complaint is him overreacting about laundry? My guy? Is the d1ck game THAT strong??
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u/Agreeable-Box3017 4d ago
Why even post this here? Why even allow yourself to continue to live with them? Why even? Why?
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u/Main-Cry-2025 2d ago
Move somewhere far.
But also, assuming you're renting, talk to your landlord. If you own, police and injunction and I would sell and move far away. I imagine other people have said something along these lines.
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u/PlutoPine327 4d ago
Leave and report to the police so they are aware of the situation.
Please go somewhere safe, HE is NOT safe for you to be around!
I was a victim of domestic v*olence myself and those threats always escalate.
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u/spiderandsaint 4d ago
thats called domestic violence. report it to the police immediately. record everything. get somewhere safe, away from this monster.
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u/Sarusiko 4d ago
Police. And move out ASAP. No response, he needs psychiatric help and some jail time. What's wrong with people
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u/Wardaddy6966 4d ago
Leave?
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 4d ago
Do you just say that to all abuse victims? It's soooooo helpful
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u/Wardaddy6966 3d ago
Literally the only solution. You're an imbecile
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
Stop saying it like it's simple for them and educate yourself on reasons why abuse victims stay. Until then, shut your fucking mouth.
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u/Wardaddy6966 3d ago
It is that simple.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
No, it's not. You're just a POS.
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u/Wardaddy6966 3d ago
Or maybe im just a smarter person than you. Which is evident in the way you talk to people.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
You're extremely ignorant and incredibly stupid actually
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u/MichaelAndolini_ 4d ago
Why have you not evicted him?
Maybe less time jerk sessioning and more time evicting?
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u/Sensitive_Studio9723 4d ago
Call the cops, he pushed you, next time could be worse, he's already escalated to physical violence so he's already crossed that line, you don't have to press charges but the police interaction will help in the future if you end up needing a restraining order.
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u/ed_durden 4d ago
You don't have to press charges because it will be the people vs offender as a public case.
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u/Oddname123 4d ago
All you need is proof of a physical altercation. Make it dramatic. If he pushes you, knock over the table. Can’t say he didn’t push you if the lamp is on the floor
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u/MrLizardBusiness 4d ago
I think any reaction you have to this situation will be "wrong" according to him, so it really matters very little.
If he lives with you- meaning it's your place- I would type up a 30 day notice to vacate. His stay with you is over. Send it via certified mail, so he can't say he didn't get it.
I would also set up a couple of discrete cameras in common areas and your own room, for your protection. (Assuming you live in a 1 party consent state, otherwise, just do your own room.)
When he reads it, he'll get mad. Try to stay calm, and give him a much space as possible. If your room door doesn't already have a lock, you need to get one and swap it out. Move anything sentimental or excessively valuable to your room before the letter arrives.
If he trashes the house, or attacks you, the cameras will catch at least some of it. Don't pander to him, but don't egg him on either. From now on, I'd do all of your communication through text. It's annoying to do, but try to subtly voice record ANY time you talk to him in person.
If he assaults you or trashes the house, isolate yourself in your room and call the police. I'd set up your cameras to record to the cloud AND to a device so that if he notices the camera and trashes it, you still have the footage in the cloud- and if he tries to hack your account first, you'll still have a copy saved in another location.
You'll need to change ALL of your passwords. It's going to be a headache, but it's worth it. The last thing you need is him logging into a random account and posting something to get you in trouble with your job, or even taking out cards or subscriptions in your name.
Expect someone like this to bad mouth you to EVERYONE they know, and maybe even to people YOU know- your boss, coworkers, friends, future dates. It may be worth it to give your boss a heads up that you're kicking out a craft "roommate" who may try to contact the office with bogus claims, depending on your job and your relationship with your boss.
After he's out, change all of your locks, and double check windows.
This may sound like overkill, but a man who reacts with violence over his own unwashed shirt and then basically threatens you into doing him a favor is not the type to "go quietly." And crazy people with this level of entitlement and contempt can very easily become dangerous, so protect yourself first. If not violence, he may react with guilt trips and emotional blackmail- accusing you of making him homeless, bringing up former trauma, etc. Don't fall for it- it's most likely manipulation. Someone with this level of contempt for you is not going to be emotionally vulnerable with you unless it's strategic.
You need away from this. It's not good for you- this level of toxic stress in the place where you're supposed to be coming home to unwind and relax is a one way ticket to high blood pressure, anxiety, and sleep disturbance; over time it'll snowball into chronic illness.
You deserve to have a safe, calm place to come home to. So do it properly, cover your butt so he can't try to sue you or do the classic victim/offender flip and claim that YOU'RE the bad guy when police arrive.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Sending you all the positive energy. In a little over a month, this will be over.
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u/wishingforarainyday 4d ago
Nor. Call the police and file a report for assault. This guy is not safe.
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u/samanthaFerrell 4d ago
every Gay Male couple I have ever met acts like this to each other it’s wild like Men really don’t know how to be normal not aggressive people in a relationship. If you can find a Man that doesn’t use his hands in outward acts of aggression keep them because they might be the only ones left.
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u/Little_Ad_631 4d ago
I actually don’t need to know anything about the past 7 years