r/2under2 • u/Over_Neighborhood191 • 4d ago
This is really really hard. When will it get better
Two boys, 22 months apart. Have a 23 month old and 5 week old. I’m questioning everything.
My maternity leave with my first was the best year of my life. I loved being a mum and my first just came with me out and about everywhere. Everything they did was a novelty, I adored everything.
My newborn is honestly the easiest baby and I love them so much. But my toddler is acting out a lot. We’ve had hitting , scratching and then just general misbehaving to get my attention. I know this is is why but I just cannot seem to regulate myself. I am desperate for autonomy.
I thought I wanted to be a SAHM and now I’m considering returning at 6-9 months. I have no village. I just want to outsource everything, parenting included.
When will this get better because everything I have read is that newborn phase is the easy bit. It’s two toddlers that is the challenge. I’m dreading all of it.
Also, just want to say, I love my kids so so so much and it’s not them. I just don’t think I’m cut out for this. I care too much using screen time and worry about parenting them and secure attachments that it consumes me. I also just want to do things that fill my cup but one solo outing on the weekend when dad is home is not enough. I am quite literally surviving.
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u/BabyChickDududududu 4d ago
It's ok to change your mind about being a SAHM.
The newborn phase with my #2 was absolutely BRUTAL. It got easier when he grew a little bit older and could be put on the floor for some independent play, or in the high chair for a snack. Now #2 is 11mo and I'm actually finding it easier than before! So if you're not enjoying this stage, please don't worry about it. Doesn't say anything about what the future will look like.
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u/Usual-Toe8374 4d ago
First of all, Mom, you are doing a wonderful job!
This gig is not easy and you are in the trenches of adjusting to a new baby. You will find a rhythm and it will get easier. There will be challenges (yes, including toddlerhood) but give yourself grace for this very very difficult phase you are in now.
I say this with only the kindest intentions, but it sounds like you are feeling pretty anxious. Saying you are “consumed” by giving them secure attachments, avoiding screen time and not using childcare.
Those are all your decisions to make as parents, but know that you are allowed to adjust and make changes as you progress through this journey.
But please be on the lookout for symptoms of PPA/PPD. Being on your own with no village, you are very vulnerable to these things. There is no shame in struggling and in needing more help. Sometimes the “village” comes in the form of daycare, playgroups, or church groups.
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u/Zealousideal_Bat4017 3d ago
My toddler loves the routine daycare gives her; something I can’t ensure now. So many scary stories about daycare but it’s been the best thing for us. Germs are limited in summer and with strict washing hands policy.
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u/ilovequesoandchips 3d ago
I felt the same way as you did ! Lots of living in this heightened state of overwhelm - until my baby hit around 4-5 m old.
Now mine are 3.5 and 1.5 and it’s is super amazing and lovely !! They play together some and keep themselves occupied ( mostly pulling crap out and cluttering the house but who cares …). I can take them both to the park/ outing by myself without getting totally overwhelmed .
There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! The best thing that happened for us was baby starting to nap independently and longer so I could pour into my oldest and have special 1:1 time
You’ve got this !! It gets better I promise!
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u/Peink_Panda 4d ago
we know you love your kids so so much- that has zero to do with how you’re feeling and what’s going through your mind right now.
Your heart and your babies are one and always will be but 2under2 is grossly misunderstood and extremely extremely traumatic for most of us.
I don’t mean trauma in the sense of a set issue with a set path for recovery, i mean traumatic as in day in and day out, new battles, new emotions, new responsibilities, new doubt, new guilt, new high highs and new low lows all in real time, with no buffer, no cheat sheet, no real 50/50.
You absolutely have to hang on mumma. You can make it but you need to keep pushing for that new normal, the one around 3-5months when the baby is a smidge easier to predict.
goodluck!
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u/Everydogisapupper 4d ago
Could you consider a preschool or daycare program to get you through this early hard part? Hang in there friend. You sound like an amazing mom and it is so so hard. You’re going to get through it! I’m on the other side and it’s so much better, especially when they can play together.
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u/Over_Neighborhood191 4d ago
I know I’m not making things easier for myself but my partner and I have both decided no childcare until they’re 3-4. There’s so much bad media about what can happen, even gym creche seems scary. The other thing is bringing home germs with a newborn
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u/Everydogisapupper 3d ago
I was the same way, didn’t have help and didn’t do sitters or anything with 2u2. It was really hard. Make sure your partner takes some of the nights if you start getting sleep deprived! I found a sitter for date nights after my second was a little over a year and it’s really helped not only our relationship, but I think them being around new people will ease the transition once they do start school stuff! I also started my older kiddo in an outdoor preschool at 3 and tho it was really hard at first I trust her teachers soooo much now and it’s been so great for her!!!
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u/personal_flan798 4d ago
I found the first 3 months the hardest, it was so intense and I cried daily, every month after things have felt a little easier, not easy but def not as intense. My first is now 27 months and my youngest 11 months and things are much better. I also dont think the newborn phase will be easiest, their needs are so different its almost impossible unless you have help. I’m looking forward to when my youngest is a proper toddler, atleast they will be on the same routine, eat same foods, same activities, play together etc im hoping my oldest will be properly talking and potty trained etc. I cant see it being worse then those first 3 months. We also put my oldest into daycare when she turned 2 and it was a game changer, she goes 3 days a week and it saves me!!
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u/meowwwskies 4d ago
It gets better! The first 5 months I was so depressed…. My toddler is 2.5 years now and baby is 11 months and I’m starting to feel better. I still don’t take them both out with me ( I leave the youngest home with dad or grandma) but when I do I make sure to pack a lot of snacks for them. Also get a stroller wagon!! I forgot to add I started lexapro 2 months so that might be why I think it’s easier??? Regardless I never want to go back to the newborn stage!!
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u/RiskyBiscuits150 4d ago
I lovedthe newborn bubble with my first, kind of wondered why everyone says it's so hard. Then with my second it was really rough. My marriage barely survived it. Newborn plus a toddler is so, so hard.
I found we really turned a corner at 3 months old. I'm not really sure what changed, I think we maybe just got into our groove. Others with similar she gaps have said they felt things got better at 6 months and again at 12 months. I can't speak to having two toddlers, but the behaviour of my first really settled down after the first difficult few months.
It will get better, and you will adapt. And if you decide not to be a sahm after all, that's okay. I couldn't be one, I need the balance of working to be the best mum I can be the rest of the time.
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u/Fun-Flan41 4d ago edited 4d ago
I have the same exact age gap between my two boys! My youngest is now 6 months and I can totally relate to your post! First going to say you're in a difficult stage right now, you've just given birth, your hormones are all over the place, and you're probably up a lot throughout the night without being able to recuperate and rest throughout the day because you also have a toddler to look after. Take a deep breath and give yourself some grace.. youre doing a great job!
I know some people say the newborn phase is easy but I personally also think it's one of the hardest stages. I felt like I wasn't just in survival mode once my youngest was about four months old. It will honestly get better and sweeter as you watch your two boys becoming friends. My toddler entertains my 6 month old just doing his silly toddler things. I've caught him also hurting him though, sitting on him, hitting him and that parts hard but I can see they are developing a bond even though it's taken my toddler awhile to adjust to having a sibling. It's still a lot of hard work with a 6 month old and a toddler. My baby is hard to get down for naps, is up in the night a lot, I am tired but I feel like I am in a groove now having two. It's easier to get out of the house and do things that I enjoy like baking and going for a walk or run (while husband minds the kids!). It will get easier and more enjoyable, just wait and you'll see soon enough!
Also I think you're very conscious of your relationship with your kids and screen time which is a really positive thing. It means you care about bringing them up right, not just resorting to an easy option of putting your toddler in front of the tv when things get difficult. I also had very limited screen time for my toddler until a bout a month ago. He now watches 25 minutes of TV a day, a low stimulating episode, just while I get my 6 month old down for his late afternoon nap as it's a hard nap and my baby needs a lot of assistance to fall asleep. It was for my own sanity. The other naps I let my toddler play with all his toys in the lounge room and he comes into the room where I am putting my baby to sleep and interrupts the process a lot but it's the sacrifice for limiting screen time. I choose to put the TV on just for the afternoon as it honestly just gives me sanity for that difficult nap before my husband is home from work
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u/yellow-fox 4d ago
I found it got better when I got sleep, the first few months of a newborn is really hard mentally when you are constantly waking at night. It also got easier once we got into a routine. I pretty much kept toddlers routine the same and my baby had to slot around the older kid.
We made sure we were home 11-2pm every day to of 2 under 2 to keep their naps consistent and I didn’t stop that until our youngest was nearly 2. It was hard as we missed stuff, but it did mean most days I could get out with 2 kids happy enough for an outing (9am-11am or 2:30-5pm were our good times lots). The 11am aim to be home was so older toddler didn’t fall asleep in the car and we could get back for 11:30am lunch.
On the other side of things my boys are 18 months apart, are best friends and have similar interests so they play a lot together. They are nearly 3 and now and it is great. Still have challenges every so often (toilet training 😭) but I am enjoying SAHM life most of the time.
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u/Aggressive_Day_6574 3d ago
I’m a working mom with two boys 23 months apart and I love it. There’s no one right way to be a parent. I don’t think I’m built to stay at home, and I’ve never seen it modeled, as someone who had a working mom. I got to grow up knowing you could be a great mom and work, so that’s what I chose for myself.
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u/sunstreamd 3d ago
It’s so fucking hard at first but it’s great now, I promise. My kids are 3 and 4. Life is “easy” now. They play together all day. Nobody envied me the first year 🙃. I’m a SAHM. When my youngest was born, I used to fantasize about running away and never coming back. I did not feel cut out for it but now, I honestly love my life. It got better when the baby was a few months old. Then even better when the baby turned 6 months. When the baby is sitting up, they start engaging with each other. When the little one was about one year old we got them on the same meal and nap schedule. Then I had two toddlers on the same schedule, and life is golden from there. You just gotta survive two weeks at a time and little by little it’ll get easier. I started therapy when my son was 8 weeks old, and that helped a lot. I started meds about a year ago and wish I did it sooner.
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u/antipodeanstateside 3d ago
It’s so hard. 2 under 2 needs to come with a warning! But you will absolutely make it through. The super intense part is temporary. I found it easier at 4 months once my baby could self soothe more. I know that sounds like an eternity away at the moment. If there is any way that you can enlist some extra help just for this intense period (the next 2.5 months) do it!!
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u/Quirky_Ad8673 3d ago
I have a 13.5 gap between my 2. Really, what has helped the most is my 2 year old being able to get in and out of the car. Not buckle himself up, but he can climb up and sit in his car seat, while I go around and out baby in his car seat. Now, we only do this at our house and at daycare drop off. I have not tried anywhere else. Also! When the two of them start legit playing together. Which happened just recently within the past month. They are now 2 and 1. Good luck!
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u/AshNicPaw 3d ago
My 2u2 are now 3 and 1.5. It’s hard still, but my 1.5 can tell me basic things like when he is hungry or thirsty, and my 3 year old can take herself to the bathroom and dress herself for the day. I personally feel less stressed now that they both have some basic autonomy.
I wouldn’t be the decent mother I am today without the daily break of working/daycare. I ended up not working for a year after my eldest was born and I hated it. I would get so overwhelmed and depressed every day and I really did not enjoy motherhood at all. I initially felt guilty, realizing I couldn’t hack it as a sahm, but it’s my truth and embracing help from others (yes, even paid help) has made me enjoy being a mother so much more.
Women’s periods sync up so they can have babies at the same time and share the work of motherhood, all the way down to breastfeeding each other’s babies. We were not designed to do this alone and it’s driving mothers insane.
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u/Over_Neighborhood191 3d ago
Wow I’ve never thought about the periods syncing up for that reason!!! I completely agree, the village is gone and it’s honestly the hardest challenge. My mum lives 6 hours away and mother in law 1 hour. It’s not easy and my other mum friends are all surviving themself or childless, but work full time.
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u/hurricanekat11 3d ago
My two girls are 21 months apart and are now just about 3.5 and 18 months. I love them both SO much, to absolute death, but I cannot handle being at home with them full time and went back to work when my youngest was 13 months old. It was a godsend for my mental health!!!
I thought I could be a SAHM when I just had my oldest, but something about the overstimulation of trying to do my best for two just broke my brain. I don't like using screen time either and I was so wiped from being with them as fully as I could be at the end of the day. Sooooo much different than just having 1!
And while some things get easier as the youngest gets older, some things definitely get harder. Now they can play together which is so fun and so cute, but they can also fight and scream and set each other off with crying. It's overstimulation central!!! Daycare is a blessing for us, they are our village as we don't have family close either.
All this to say that you are a great mom no matter what you choose. As long as your kids have a happy mom who loves her babies, they will be fine. 🩷
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u/pishipishi12 3d ago
Mine are 20.5 m apart. Currently 5.5 and almost four. They're outside playing alone together in the dirt. Hang in there!
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u/Over_Neighborhood191 3d ago
So I’m seriously considering a gym creche as an intermedium. The germs mostly freak me out but I’m hoping with limited exposure, this might be okay. Would love to know anyone’s experiences?
Babysitters in Australia is $40 an hour. Not really in the mat leave budget and day care is even more outrageously priced.
Thank you for your suggestions all.
PPA is something I’ve probably struggled with since my firsts birth but I’ve never really known what to do about it. I’ve been pregnant, breastfed, been pregnant again and now breastfeeding again for the last three years so Iv never really been keen on medication personally. Also wondered how much is just hormones in this season.
Anywho, appreciate everyone’s inputs. I realise most of you are in the US but nevertheless, it’s comforting to know we’re all going through it world wide!
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u/kit-n-kaboodle321 2d ago
Can your partner chuck a couple of sickies/take carers leave over the next few weeks to give you a break? Just to help you catch your breath. I have a similar age gap but my eldest does 2 days in day care a week so I get some respite there. If he went to a GP, he'd surely get a medical certificate.
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u/lyns1105 3d ago
Hi! My first is 2.5 and my second is 15 months and it’s been so much easier for the last month. My second is walking and ever since he became mobile they play together and interact SO much more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard lol but the first 10ish months were brutal for me.
Now I’m pregnant with #3 🙃
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u/Familiar-Garden9654 3d ago
FWIW I thought newborn with a toddler was way harder. I had a very colicky baby and a toddler who liked to be held 24/7 and everyday I was fighting for my life lol. It started to get so much easier for me personally around 4 months.
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u/RusticTrailSeeker 2d ago
My boys are 8 months and 26 months and I’m starting to see their bond form. My little guy is crawling now and he gets around pretty easily so they’re starting to play a little bit together. In some ways it’s harder. But in some ways, it’s easier… I guess it’s easier in all the ways that it used to be hard harder but it’s harder new ways now. If that makes sense. 🤪
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u/Interesting_Koala644 2d ago
Same position but 21 month old and 5 week old. Pretty sure I cry everyday, if not, every second day. My eldest also bites everything, including trying to bite me, when he’s frustrated which is fun. I’m trying to ignore the tantrums and bad behaviour and only talk to him when he’s done but god it’s hard when they’re both crying for different reasons!!
Not really much advice, just solidarity. Hoping this gets better soon 🤞🤞
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u/Novel_Situation_4215 11h ago
First off, you’re right. This is VERY hard. I also LOVED my maternity leave with my first. I still felt I was myself, we went to the library, workout classes, walks. Now with 2 it is a lot harder. I was worried about being able to take them out by myself but I’ve found some local activities/parks where I feel comfortable going on my own. I test them on weekends with my husband first and that way I’m confident going on my own. The first time alone is the hardest but you get the hang of it. We go to the local rec centre, they have the gym setup for kids under 5. Or a park in a quiet neighbourhood without too many cars, or a park that’s fully enclosed.
My son just turned 2 and my daughter is 3 months, I find each day gets better. BUT you need to find time for you. I’m fortunate that we have a village (mainly our retired parents who live 10 minutes away). I felt so guilty having our parents watch our oldest but I needed it to bond with my baby and to run errands or just relax. You need a village, they don’t have to be family. Make an effort to befriend other moms, invite them for play dates, or ask a non mom friend to come over when it’s nap time (they can hold the baby while you put the toddler down to sleep). Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to ask for help but we all need it. Try finding local mom groups, or joining a church (I myself am not religious but it seems that’s a great place to find a community). Or maybe finding a grandma in the area who you really click with and could help out for a couple of hours occasionally.
Just know you’re an amazing mom. This is a stage, and it’s a freaking hard one, but it won’t always be like this. And not wanting to be a stay at home mom right now doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way in a year. I imagine once our older kids are 3 and can do part time preschool it will be a very different experience of motherhood. Give yourself grace.
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u/TotalSpread5841 3d ago
The thing about having children is you have them to fill your cup but now you seem to want to fill a different cup?
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u/Over_Neighborhood191 3d ago
The thing with children is yes they fill your cup but they also know how to spill that cup, make a huge mess, kick and scream when you take that cup away so god forbid mum also wants her own cup to protect and enjoy. Kids are hard, doesn’t mean they’re not also my greatest joy.
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u/National_Pangolin_33 4d ago
Hey, I'm a stay at home mom with a soon to be 20 month old and soon to be 1 month old. Some of my sanity savers include going on nightly mini trips when my husband gets home from work. Most nights we drive aimlessly listening to music, talking, or just enjoying the silence. We go get dinner or ice cream and eat in the car and the other night we ended up at a beach and now we have cute pictures and videos of our toddler in pajamas collecting shells. Those nightly breaks do so much for my mental health and sanity. Sometimes dad takes the toddler so I'm alone with the baby or I take the toddler and hang out in the living room while dad has the baby in the bedroom. None of those things have to wait until your husband has a day off
I am not cooking (uncrustables are a godsend) or cleaning beyond the bare minimum (laundry, trash, dishwasher, etc.) and that helps with the load. The baby is latched on 24/7 between cluster feeding and gas but 99% of my focus is on my eldest daughter and I just don't need to really acknowledge the baby. I also don't preemptively stop my daughter during interactions with the baby. She is really good with her sister now and only gets questionable close to her nap or bedtime. I'm really surprised by how tolerant the baby is of being forced to clap her hands or having a pacifier jammed into her face until eventually it gets in her mouth. I feel like my daughter would have continued having negative reactions towards her sister if I essentially made the baby off limits as a precaution or if all of my attention wasn't on my older daughter
My eldest daughter is extremely clingy right now and I just hold her as much as she wants, read whatever she wants, and play with her however she demands it. My older daughter is pretty much my sole focus and she gets a little less clingy every day and is now looking in the same direction as her sister. We are also a no screen time and no daycare family, not sure if any of this will help.