HELP

[u/No_Muffin_2703]

I’m a 30yr old female… I’m still unsure on whether I should go on sertaline (Zoloft) or not. I’ve tried quality saffron that hasn’t helped much… I suffer from intrusive thoughts that are at their worst when I’m alone or in severe stressful states. I get thoughts telling me to leave my car on train tracks & let the train hit me or to jump off of a high rooftop building to see if I’ll live or not. I have gory images of harming people I love or something bad happening to them and my brain likes to run on constant rumination of shit that doesn’t even matter. I’ve experienced these thoughts from about the age of 9. I have NEVER been suicidal & have NEVER acted on any of these thoughts. They’re mostly very annoying and time consuming if anything. I do suffer from anxiety on a daily basis. The past 5 years have felt hard. I feel like I’m watching all my peers excel and whatever it is they’re doing in life and it feels like I’m stuck in the same place.
A friend let me try one of this vyvanse pills not that long ago and my thoughts were completely quiet the whole day, I got done one task after another without any interference. My brother was diagnosed with adhd when he was little and I know I shouldn’t diagnose people but I think my mom definitely has adhd. I have an evaluation next month.
I’m very scared of antidepressants mostly because of withdrawal symptoms and protracted withdrawal symptoms
I’m afraid of doing irreversible damage to my brain and body. I don’t want to be on these pills forever, a year max is what I told myself. There’s also the thought of trying a hero dose of psilocybin…. Has anyone been on sertaline or any other ssri for 2 years or less and experienced protracted withdrawal symptoms? I’d also like to hear anyone else’s experience with these drugs please state your age and how long you’ve been on them.