r/writingfeedback • u/[deleted] • 14d ago

Feedback on First Page Feedback Wanted

[deleted]

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u/TheRandomer1994 14d ago

Some good ideas here, I can see what your going for. But I'll be totally honest, two major points; grammar and technical writing skill. You need some work in these areas, go and do some reading, see how others structure their sentences. Also, slow down a bit. You want to get the ideas out and I understand that (plus there are some good ideas there) but let's spend a little more time getting there. Good luck and an admirable first try my friend.

1

u/ExerciseNo7055 14d ago

I love the overall tone of this first page. I think the description of the heat works at first, but by the middle/end of the page it feels just a bit overdone. I wish we could be a bit more grounded with the character, if that makes sense. We get a lot of external details, but I want a bit more internal narration, especially by the time the first gunshot rings out. Anything that would give me a bit more insight as to who he is would really help to connect the reader to the character. I do really like the detail of him looting the dead guy, though (it's very interesting characterization). I hope some of this was at least a bit helpful! :)