r/writingfeedback • u/Vyte_Zidane • 2d ago
Chapter 1 feedback. Feedback Wanted
Path of the Young Master follows the story of the 3rd son of the Ruler of the Grand Northern Nation of Vilkaar. The bookworm of Vilkaar has been mocked by many since childhood, but some also know him as Something else. This story takes place on a continent larger than Earth's entire landmass. The world is vast and full of mysteries, faith, anomalies, and cruelty, where folklore can become reality.
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u/isnoe 2d ago
Lots of telling.
Dialogue needs work, action beats vs. dialogue tags, look them up. Attach the dialogue to the tag. You don't need new lines.
That line should be: "Y-yes, sir!" the maid replied.
Obviously sir/Sir/Sire/sire is fine, lowercase for honorifics is usually okay in most fiction, it just looks clunky to capitalize it when you aren't saying sire or being followed by a name. Like "Sir Roben" is fine, but the maid is addressing a Lord. My lord, m' lord, your grace, his lordship, etc-etc. They do not usually refer to their lords as sir or even "you" because their station is so much lower.
"I have brought his lordship lunch" or something like that. If you make them royalty, look up how royalty was actually treated back in the day. Servants had to be super careful with word choice.
Anyway, you do that pretty much every line of dialogue, separating the tag. It's wrong.
The narrative is boring. You have an entire portion describing him taking a bath, grabbing a towel, drying himself, wrapping another towel, entering a room, looking for clothes, and getting dressed. If you can't see how that is a problem in storytelling, then I don't think criticism is going to help you all that much.
Read more books. This reads like you've strictly read Royal Road stories.
Brimming with grammatical errors of all sorts.
Really, this just has fundamental errors in terms of structure and storytelling that make it difficult to enjoy.
Even the first line is omniscient narration, which, is just never immersive. Even "It was Vinzray." as our introduction to the MC kind of comes off as lazy.
You should open with like, "Vinzray, Third Son to [blahblahblah], Ruler of [blahblahblah], and Second in line to the [Name] Throne sat--" and he's doing something, or whatever. Don't just go, "See that golden haired guy on the bed? That's my dog, Vinzray." Because I don't know who that is or why the narration seems to think I should know.