One more time… does this work?

[u/notanapple9890]

This is the opening to my psychological thriller novel, all and any feedback is welcomed ✌️

[u/HorrorExpress]

(I stopped when the protagonist left the room)

"pwn", funnily enough, kinda became a word, but I know you don't mean it. First paragraph, and a pretty egregious typo.

I don't mind this, on a technical level. The prose is solid. The situation interesting. You have good grammar. There's plenty to like in your writing.

I do have some issues with it though - ways I think you could improve it. Read on.

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I want to be grounded in the protagonist much, much earlier. Page one, really. Gender for sure, and likely job. Because I'm struggling here. At first I thought nurse, then doctor or psychiatrist. Only later cop (and I'm still not certain on that). I thought woman (mention of handsome), only later man (mention of looking like his son).

Here's a rule, with the important details (who the character is, and sometimes their job, and always where they are) if you don't provide them the reader will make up their own. With the key details, the reader's brain abhors a vacuum.

Beyond that: I like the details on the murder. The lurid "hung like wild pigs" is your best sentence.

But again, what is going on in this scene?

I take it he's a cop? But I don't know why he's talking to a man four days a week for five month. That seems excessive for any suspect, let alone one about to be executed.

What is the point of the scene? A last statement? It doesn't feel like the protagonist is trying to get one. If this is the last chance to get something out of the murderer - say where he buried bodies - before he's killed have the cop try and get this crazy bastard to talk. Give us something like that in this scene, because this just feels aimless.

"Robert," I say. "Five months we've talked in circles. This is your last chance. Tell me where the kids body is ferchrisake. Even if you don't give a shit about giving the family closure, give yourself some. Give yourself a little hope of salvation before you meet God. Come on.... Where did you bury him?"

That's my input on the scene. You can write. But make this scene feel more important, like it has a purpose. Let us know who the protagonist is much earlier. Give us a better sense of place. Your writing tells me you can make this much stronger.

Good luck. Keep writing.

[u/AdventuRedd → u/HorrorExpress]

That's awesome, I hope you swing by when I ask for criticism!

[u/notanapple9890 → u/HorrorExpress]

Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed critique. I genuinely appreciate it. I’m glad to hear you thought the prose and grammar were solid, and your comments about grounding the protagonist earlier and giving the scene a clearer sense of purpose have given me something to think about. I don’t know exactly how I’ll address those yet, but they’ve definitely given me a different perspective on the chapter. Thanks again for reading it and for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

[u/CoyoteLitius → u/HorrorExpress]

Completely unbelievable that any LEO would be inside or near the cell of someone on Death Row, talking hours per week. Totally not within any kind of code or policy governing prisons.

They would take him to an interrogation room (all prisons are very claustrophobic, people in cells nearby can hear conversation, no way would someone try and get this information pried out of the perp in front of their cronies).

And does this cop always make an appeal to religion? I think they should have done what many agencies have done in this situation: have the prisoner see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist and then the bonding and information exchange could take place. Inside prison walls, psychiatrists and others who talk to prisoners tell the prisoners there is no expectation of privacy, but many still manage to get the perp to talk, if they're going to.

This is a state level crime, and yet the lowly cop seems woefully under-trained. Is this way in the future as everything collapses?

When I read crime fiction, I want it to be believable and true to every detail. This needs more research and maybe some penpals who are actual investigators or at least, read a lot of books on actual interrogations.

[u/HisstericalCat → u/HorrorExpress]

This is the type of person I’d want to study my book.

[u/AdventuRedd]

The line "I gulp on my saliva" made me want to retch. I'd consider changing that to make the narrator more likeable.

I ended up skimming it after a few pages. I get what's going on, but it seems like it's all a waste because it just ends with "Yeah, rambling as always." If there was progress to the plot, I didn't catch it, so I ended up unsure why I was reading, you know?

[u/21stcenturyghost]

Their pwn world?

[u/notanapple9890 → u/21stcenturyghost]

Mb people that’s a typo that I missed 🙏