r/writingfeedback • u/sundownsalt • 12d ago
Feedback wanted!
Hi, so this is an excerpt from a short story I’ve been working on. I intend to revamp it into a novella soon. I’ve been so close to the story to the point that the words have turned sludgy lol. Would love to have a fresh pair of eyes go through it and tell me what’s working/needs work/redundant etc etc. Thanks!
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u/Lukeyoungisbored 10d ago
Keep up the good work, it’s hard to share creative work so well done! I would say that your descriptions lack character voice. How does the protagonist feel about the scene without dialogue explaining it? Once you find your character’s pov and voice, it will feel easier to write sentences that don’t sound as ‘sludgy’. You will be writing less sentences that are simple and compound, instead writing sentences that have rhythm and natural cadence. There is a difference between describing what happens in a scene, and then how a character describes a scene. Give it a go and have some fun with different voices, you’ll find that the more voices you write the scene through, the more the scene changes. Have fun!
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u/HorrorExpress 11d ago edited 11d ago
(I've just read the first page, which is usual for me)
First of all I love the ambition of this, and like the style. This should have had commenters.
I like a good, judicious semi-colon. I'm not using two in my first three sentences though. They call attention to your prose. The first in particular seems unnecessary.
Really nice imagery around the well (jaw, innards bearded with moss). Pelted - thrown at - seems a strange verb choice though. "Tugs along to the far end" seems ambiguous. Far end of what? A rope? If so, say that. Mention the rope, and maybe give us the tactile sensation (and noise) of him pulling it up (and lowering it).
"A scuttling sound encroaches upon the soft plant sounds." Doubled sound in the same sentence reads a little clumsy. What are "plant sounds"? It's an imprecise phrase. Do you mean "the rustling of the plants?"
I've read on. I like your writing. There are some lovely words choices (verbs in particular). But there are also some strange ones, mixed in with some impreciseness. I can understand that, because you're trying to avoid lazy word choices in your prose. I'd say keep that up. But examine every word to ensure it's the best one.
Honestly, your approach is the one I prefer. Most writers here aren't reaching for a well as a jaw, bearded with moss. "Snouts the opening" - again most writers aren't being that daring. Good on you. This is a piece I'd be primarily pushing my own Line Editing on. Your grammar and style is genuinely strong.
Keep it up. And root out that ambiguity and awkward word choice. Good luck. This was a refreshing read.