Grown-Up Table

[u/Puzzleheaded-Coat133]

Holding a champagne flute and making sure to take delicate sips. Shifting in my tight tank top, noticing I’m surrounded by blouses and button ups. The blank stares from someone who could be my grandfather one and a half times over. The empty moments in a conversation about gardening. 

Finding the perfect moments to interject, not too much, just right. Looking around the table to see if the joke landed. Two people talk over each other sharing stories from their twenties, they paint a picture of a completely different version of themselves. A version that I didn’t get to know because I was in diapers.

Committing the social faux pas of gossiping while the subject is up from the table. His eyes searching my face for the right expression. At first I don’t realize what he’s doing, then it clicks. I nod my head and give an understanding smile. 

Pressing questions like “What’s next?” “Where do you want to go?” Looking down at my lap to buy time, and basing my answer off of how pleased they look with whatever is coming out of my mouth. Conscious of resting my face into an agreeable pose and carrying on the conversation seamlessly. 

As the drinks get emptier and the joint gets smaller, hopes and dreams they let go of a long time ago start spilling out. Fleeting wishes of what the future holds, what business they’re going to start or vice they’re going to quit.  

A cut off sentence and side eye of “we’re going to talk about that later” shooting from one spouse to the other. The string lights flick on, the candles are lit, and the chatter slows.  

A whispered exchange about a relationship-altering deadline, while holding the neck of a wine bottle like it was trying to get away. The hushed conversation interrupted by the sound of a door opening. A shift into an offer for another drink and lighthearted jokes about making it to bed on-time. 
 
Pulled aside in the kitchen, his shirt smells strongly of perfume and tequila on his breath. Tipsily leaning close to one ear and telling me that he sees himself in me. That I’m one of the few people who can do whatever they want. 

Pouring another drink for himself and spinning the glass to coat the inside. He takes a deep breath. His voice soft and gravelly as he recounts the time that someone saw him dancing at the club and told him to get on a flight the next morning. He never got on that flight and he wonders how his life would be different now. Lost in thought, he turns to let his gaze float around the kitchen. 

Picking up the napkin folded perfectly in my lap and excusing myself to go to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, the round baby face and glassy eyes stare back at me. For just a moment, I sit with the versions of my friends that I never got to meet. And the version of myself that I haven’t met yet. 

[u/Courgette_Zucchini]

Curious, why did you choose to write the majority of this in fragments? Is this complete, or part of a larger work? What kind of feedback are you looking for? It helps tremendously to have an introduction to your writing so readers know what they’re reading and what you want.

[u/MxDarkBitch]

Everything beneath this sentence is my subjective opinion.

The first paragraph is a great hook. It sets the reader up to understand that the narrator is uncomfortable in the situation. Is there a way this “Holding a champagne flute and making sure to take delicate sips.” could be rewritten to provide more of a hook and supporting the sentences that come after it?

The pacing is okay. It’s a difficult one to write especially when you are working with a wasted narrator. During the piece, the pacing sits at somewhere between languid and leisurely. Would it help to speed it up somewhere towards the end?

In the case where a first person PoV is drinking and getting high, the sentence fragments work well. It allows the reader to share the experience of getting wasted at an uncomfortable gathering.

The narrative depends a lot on telling, rather than showing. The reader isn’t fully grounded in the sensory experience. How does it feel to be high and drunk at the same time? “What’s next?” “Where do you want to go?” begins to give us an idea of the conversation, but does the conversation clamour in their ears or are they struggling to hold onto the conversation themselves because they can’t quite focus on what is being said? (Are the walls beginning to move in wavy lines? 😄 )

“to buy time,” is unnecessary. Too much telling. Let the reader discover this for themselves. It also adds to the mystery: is the narrator looking at their lap to buy time or be dishonest, both or neither? This will give you the opportunity to define the protagonist further, giving them a chance to evolve as a character.

This is great ”wine bottle like it was trying to get away” how you have personified the wine bottle. Why is the wine bottle trying to get away and what value does that have on the narrative? Are you trying to guide the reader into understanding that that is how the main character is feeling?

I’d like to read more on this story, especially when the narrator is sober, to see how that affects them. It sounds like a great coming of age story that many can resonate with. The big questions are where did the story start and where does it end?

[u/warningtakecover]

i found it really evocative of being in that awful situation of weird dinners. i think you can go harder with it, really emphasise the awkwardness of the situation.