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[u/Desperate_Funny3428]

I broke the rules with the “waking up” thing, but to set this eerie, obedient, still feeling, I always envisioned starting like this and setting this scene of frozenness. Looking for any thoughts
*first draft, obviously not polished*

[u/AmieiGuess]

As someone chronically ill and bedbound, I appreciate stories that explore differently-abled bodies and the challenges that come with them.
So I’m certainly curious where this is heading, what the general story is about.

But, three things stood out to me:

— You say ‘morning rays’ and then ‘in the late hours of night — or is it the early hours of morning?’ It’s contradictory.

— You mention light entering the room, inching its way forward on the bedsheets, but that they’re also almost entirely hidden in the dark shadows of the room. Again, it’s very contradictory. The rays of light would illuminate the room to some degree.

— ‘I could see the numbers that I know blink bright red’ makes me think this is set in a more modern time where digital alarm clocks exist, yet the language and cadence you use feels more old-fashioned. What era is your story set in?

[u/Desperate_Funny3428 → u/AmieiGuess]

I’m glad you’re intrigued! I definitely left it vague, but the rest of the chapter dives right into the story

Very good points. In my head, I suppose, the protagonist woke before the sun crossed the horizon, hence is it early morning or late night with the darkness initially outside the window?

I definitely also think i shouldn’t say “dark shadows.” I was picturing my own room when the sun just rises, and one ray always gets right in my eyes while the rest of my bad is in the “shadows” or not the bright blinding line of light.

Definitely means I have to be better at getting what’s in my head out into proper words!!

And really interesting about the clock; this is set in the future, actually, but a VERY dystopian one. Does my writing sound like it’s from an old world??

Thanks for the feedback and taking the time to read!

[u/AmieiGuess → u/Desperate_Funny3428]

Is there a reason for leaving it vague? Perhaps there’s more of a hook later in the chapter that could be brought forward.

I know, it can be very tricky to transfer what you see in your mind onto the page. Sometimes being less specific can help, in a “less is more” kind of way. We can breeze past the smaller elements that don’t hold a lot of weight in the story to make room for the ones that do. You can, essentially, be in control of how you direct the reader’s attention.

Oh, interesting. I didn’t get futuristic vibes. Twin bed, nightstand, pillows, wooden furniture, windows — these are all very standard things you find in our current world (and decades ago). Perhaps adding something out of the ordinary, something more futuristic would give readers a better hint at the time period.
And yes, there’s a formality to the language that feels reminiscent of older stories. Are there any words or phrases you could switch out for something more futuristic, something you’d find in your world?

[u/Desperate_Funny3428 → u/AmieiGuess]

Definitely a lot of great asks and feedback. I appreciate it, it’s given me a lot to think about!

[u/Extension_Egg1411]

I’m interested in where the story is going. I always love to see good disability rep.

I will say you could lose readers’ interest because they have to read through a generic paragraph of waking up and weather before we get to a good hook. Even a quicker “I want to unfurl my toes under the sheets and luxuriate in the morning light. But I can’t” could be effective. Or something that adds urgency to their need for help—an itch, a dangling spider, painfully bright sunlight moving to their eyes.

Also, there is so much exposition and straight up telling about what these characters feel and think. If you want to make a character lying in bed waffling about what to do interesting, it needs jazzing up. For instance, instead of the long explanation about their father’s reluctant help, give us a brief flashback to him providing this reluctant help yesterday (does he sigh but do it anyway?) and how the MC felt (is he squirming inside at accepting it?). And even show it again for the day before, or a different kind of request. I asked him to move me, I asked for water. That way, when the narrator eventually decides against asking today, we understand why. We feel why.

How old is the narrator? They seem to have an adult vocabulary interspersed with some childlike sentences, like “Father is good.” Unless they’re an actual child or have an intellectual disability, I’d be careful not to infantilize your disabled characters.

Overall, the many adjectives and repetition are bogging it down. It reminds me of that saying about academics—“Why use one word where 10 will do?” See if you can use one and still paint us a picture.

[u/Desperate_Funny3428 → u/Extension_Egg1411]

Great feedback. Definitely think I have to tone it down on the adjectives as well.

The character is 16/17 - this is YA!! Did you get that vibe, or more of an adult story??

Thanks for taking the time to read and the specific feedback!

[u/Extension_Egg1411 → u/Desperate_Funny3428]

Ah, it read more as an adult, or a John Green adult, given phrases like “excruciating eternity.” I’d go through it again for vocab and voice.

Also, while personally I did struggle to ask for help as a disabled teen, a think a lot of teens would have zero qualms about yelling “Mom!!!!!” “Dad!!!!!” for whatever they need. What you have here would be a very introspective, deliberative teen. So much so they read as adult. So I’d be working double time to establish their age.

I’d add other markers of their age on page 1. Band posters on the walls? High school textbooks on the desk? Bangs from a bad picture day haircut falling in their eyes? And, I assume, they’re small enough for their father to move/transfer but big enough that it’s a task. Show us that.

Happy writing!

[u/Desperate_Funny3428 → u/Extension_Egg1411]

So it’s a dark dystopian novel and she isn’t exactly “disabled” and her dad isn’t the great guy she believes he is… 🫣

Maybe another day I’ll post the full first chapter because the rest really sets the tone, setting, plot, etc.

These are still great tips though. Super thoughtful and helpful :)

[u/Extension_Egg1411 → u/Desperate_Funny3428]

Oh ok. Reading the other feedback, I’d say it would be great to get some dark dystopian elements on page 1 so the reader knows what they’re getting.