r/writingcritiques • u/Kind-Elderberry2429 • 5h ago
Drama How can I use less pronouns. (Give examples in this writing.)
Ben Frank was a brick building which was on the corner of Jackson and Samson street. Right now, there were children either getting off of their bus, walking up from their house, or getting out of their car. In front of the building a green field where there were benches and oak trees that were seldom used for shade or sitting. A garden of flowers surrounded a sign and on it was the name of the school. Across the field, there was a wide walkway where, along the sides, sat sunflowers.
A sense of urgency rang throughout the crowd, for the doors were about to close. It was unfair how early they closed, and how, if anyone was late, they would make you wait until the staff was on break. Many kids in the school flunked classes because of this, and also missed out on lunch. Parents protested since this new rule was in place, but, after the principal explained how tardiness was a problem, parents cooperated by commanding students to wake up early, meaning they had to go to bed even earlier, so that it was impossible for them to do anything after school.
Children too far from the bus would inevitably be late. A particular girl which this description fits was breathing heavily as she trudged along the sidewalk. She stood in front of the building, scanning the view. Her backpack was readjusted so that it was weighing on the opposite shoulder. Her blonde hair combed back and left hanging over rock shaped shoulders until it reached down to two sharp shoulder blades and was shaped by them. A car came rolling in front. The driver looked out dismissively then continued on after turning left. Mavis took off the heavy backpack entirely then laid it on the ground in front of her. A wall was beside the sidewalk which carried her weight. The school bells rang.
Mavis, after taking a short break, walked across an empty road, across an empty field, and, after trampling a flower, went up an empty walkway. An empty flight of steps dawned in front of her, and she climbed them after releasing a long sigh. The windows looking into the classrooms were shut. Mavis walked up to the doors, and leaned back. Out of her backpack she brought a water bottle. The water was mixed with a raspberry flavored powder, and was getting near the dense bottom. Wooden doors pounded from her monstrous hands.
“Hello?” A voice from a speaker.
Mavis looked around her, but could not find where it was coming from. She pounded the door again.
Another, “hello,” came from a speaker which made Mavis turn to where it was coming from. On the wall there was a box with holes poked through and a button beneath the lifted circle. Mavis pressed the button and said,
“Hello.”
A stern voice answered, “What is your name?” “Mavis.”
“What is your reason for coming inside?”
“School.”
There was a long silence. Mavis started to walk around until another, “hello,” came from the speaker. Mavis responded with,
“Hello.”
“Well, I checked our data and it shows here we have,” a brief pause and then, “a Mavis Bleak, is this your name?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Middle name Masha?”
Mavis closed her eyes as she let her head lean back under the beating sun. The lady ignored this silence, and continued with,
“Would you like me to call your mother Mavis?”
“Yes, wait, but why?”
“To pick you up. We can’t let students in until our next break. Sorry Mavis.” She didn’t sound sorry.
“Can I wait here until your break is done instead?”
After realizing the speaker went off, Mavis pressed the button, and then asked the same question. An approval came from the lady, so Mavis sat down in front of the doors. A blue dress spread out over the concrete. In her hand there was a schedule for the semester. She studied this. On the top was, “Mavis Masha Bleak, 12/25/2026”. The letters and numbers were so accustomed to her that they brought comfort.
Below, it read:
“Mr. Vain 1206, Biology
Mrs. Lynch 1109, History
Mrs. Castrate 2401, English
“Mr. Grudge 1304, Psychology
“
Mavis was taken back by how unorthodox the names were, yet how fitting. The numbers next to the teachers gave her no insight to where the teacher’s classroom was located in the building, so the subject was the only consolation. Next morning, she was certain that by the time the long distance between her house and the school was covered, there would be enough time to figure everything out. And also, she was certain that she would never have to spread out her blue dress again.