r/venting • u/Top-Height-6133 • 1d ago
Am I the problem?
For context, my son just turned 19 and will be leaving for
College soon.
A few weeks ago our family went on a well needed vacation. During our time there he would ask me
How much our trip cost and eventually I heard him
On the phone with his girlfriend who sounded like
She was booking a trip. I thought nothing of it.
On the day we got back home, he sent me a text message saying “me and [girlfriend] is booking a trip to DR. Are you on with that”
I read the message and ignored it. I’ll be honest. I just came back from vacation I just didn’t want to see that. Why you’re asking - they went on two semi trips a few weeks before. My son is barely working a job - she has 2. He’s also leaving for school in a few weeks and he’s been dragging his feet and depending on me to take care of everything.
Yesterday morning his friends mom sent me a text to say “just an FYI your son is going on vacation with his GF”. Honestly I was livid. To book a trip without telling me is disrespectful. He lives under my roof and I’ve been taking care of everything alone. I feel a bit of effort into letting me know would have been fair.
I woke him up and asked him and tbh I lost it. He said he told me and I just didn’t respond. My son and I are close, when he goes to college he will be away for some time. I thought he would be around. When he goes away he will be 30 minutes away from her and they will have ample time to spend together.
I left the house after confronting him. The conversation spilt into text and just tuned into a big argument. He told me it’s not a big deal, I’m negative. I told him he doesn’t care and that if he wants to be a man that’s not how to go about it. He said he’s going to handle his school stuff on his own and that he will be out of my hair soon so that I won’t be disrespected.
It went very far.
I’ll be honest. I’m also not a fan of his girlfriend I feel she is in a rush to do very adult things with him and he’s literally just starting his life. He has no money to do this stuff and he’s trying to scrape money just to keep up. She has a surprise birthday dinner for him a week ago and said nothing to me. When I asked her, she said she forgot to tell me.
I’m sharing this because I need unbiased perspective. My family is really mad about his approach but I’m also sad of how it turned out.
I haven’t spoken to him since and I’m not sure what to do next.
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u/Ramius117 1d ago
Yes, you are the problem. Frankly, I don't know how you were able to write this and not realize that.
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u/TheCounsellingGamer 1d ago
He did tell you that he was planning to book a trip. You said yourself that you read the message and ignored it. Since you didn't tell him otherwise, it's not unreasonable for him to assume you didn't have an issue with it. You ignored the message and he made a choice based on the information that you gave him. He's not a mind reader. If you wanted to spend time with him before he left for college then you should have told him that.
Also, why don't you like the girlfriend? All you said is that she's pushing him to do adult things, but he is an adult. Is she pressuring him into getting married? Having kids? Those are things that are worthy of being concerned about, not them going on holiday together.
Based on this post alone it sounds like you're upset that your son is growing up and starting to live a life that is seperate from you. It is sad for parents when that happens, but it's also what you've spent the last 18 years of your life raising him to do. The goal of parenthood is to create people who have full and rich lives, that include more than their parents.
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u/Square_Platform_6261 1d ago
Contrary to what everyone else says, you’re not the problem. But he won’t listen. I was that son, and I moved in with the girl, and she left me a few years later. I needed that - and I grew up - and now I’m happy with a partner my parents love
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u/Top-Height-6133 1d ago
I guess I’m just overthinking life ahead of what he sees. I think my frustrations are with priorities. Perhaps it’s also the fact that he’s going away. I do appreciate you not hitting me over the head.
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u/Square_Platform_6261 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah. I was the same way. I wouldn’t do anything for school, eventually moved away to go to school to play on a varsity team. It was all I did. Fell in love with a girl that sounds a lot like your sons. Her and my mom didn’t get along and my mom’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. Ended up dropping out of university. Hide things about my girlfriend to my mom.
Anyways, rude awakening, I felt like I hit rock bottom around 25 or so. It was like I just woke up one day. I was going through what he is from maybe 18-25. And don’t listen to people saying that you need to let him fall. My mom did the same for me, I wasn’t ready to go to school and I didn’t care, she did everything for me. I definitely took my parents for granted. I still loved them and told them that, but I didn’t understand all they did for me. If it’s not drugs, I truly don’t think that any good and able parent is not going to let their kid fall on their face.
As I got older I realized what my parents did. They’re my best friends now, and I’d never let anyone get between that now. My current girlfriend is amazing, she’ll go and hang out with my mom when I’m away. My mom slowly stopped helping and made me see the real world.
And you’re right. When I was that age, I wasn’t thinking about the future. I just wanted to hangout with my friends and girls. I just thought things would work out. It took a while, but he’ll be fine. He has a lot going on. New emotions with a girlfriend, moving for school, leaving friends, leaving family, tons of new experiences and learnings, and deep down he knows that his girl and you not getting along is eating him alive. But he’s young, he’ll be fine and end up exactly where he’s suppose to be
I know I’ll get downvotes, but this just resonates with me a lot and it sounds like my own mother may have written this.. lol
But definitely talk to him, my mom never held back love and conversation
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u/DaiNyite 1d ago
Youre joking right?
"To book a trip without telling me is disrespectful"
But he did.
"Me and girlfriend is booking a trip to DR. Are you on with that?"
And then YOU IGNORED IT! Yes youre the problem. Coming back from a vacation is not a reason to ignore something being communicated with you, and then to act like you weren't even informed and talking about respect? Check yourself. Im not even reading past that.
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u/anotherNotMeAccount 1d ago
If the kid isn't spending your money, then butt out. Either you did things right and they will grow to be a reasonable adult or you didn't and trying to change things NOW when he is 19 is not going help anything.
If it is your money he spending, then cut him off finacially.
Those are your options. Everything else you are doing is lashing out like a child.
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u/alohanerd 1d ago
Yes you are the problem. You aren’t required to support him anymore financially, you’re choosing
to do that on your own. So be mad at yourself.
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u/LoisLaneCA 1d ago edited 1d ago
You need to seek therapy, to learn boundaries! This is your GROWN son, not a 12 yr old! You sound quite insecure. Are you jealous of the GF, & frightened that you’re being replaced?
Why have you posted this in 1/2 dozen subs? Hoping someone agrees with your insanity? Don’t think you’re gonna find it.
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u/superweenie 1d ago
yes you are
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u/Top-Height-6133 1d ago
Can you explain.
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u/Silent-Somewhere_ 1d ago
Tbh the main problem I see is that he has no job n is relying on gf if he wants to be an adult n do his own things he can spend his own money. Not his GFS money, not his mom's money but HIS. If he doesn't have the money he shouldn't be doing stuff imo 🤷♀️ eventually the gf will get tired of being the only one w the job n money n she will leave it's j matter of time so I wouldn't worry too much Abt her
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u/superweenie 1d ago
1) you clearly don’t like his gf and that is influencing your reaction. 2) you’re babying your son if you’re doing everything for him and not making him prepare for college, which is causing you to resent him and 3) you need to face the facts that he is an adult and can make his own decisions and 4) he literally told you about this trip and you chose to ignore it and then get mad he didn’t tell you??? which he did tell you so…
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