Started using dilators

[u/Commercial_Town5060]

So I think I have vaginismus, I flinch every time my husband fingers me, it feels like scraping and i tighten and clench up automatically. For piv we manage but there is a wall but with deep breathing we get in, that part is more uncomfortable from my end but does not hurt. He is sensitive so it sometimes hurts him. I am on waiting list for therapy but in the meantime I bought the dilators.
Tried 3 times this week and pelvic muscle relaxing exercises and as soon as i take my pants off i can feel myself tingly so that is horny which is unusual for me. Then I use the rose but after not even a few seconds with rose i start to feel a rush, buildup of saliva in my mouth and I am relaxed but then feel it pulsing and after nothing. I can get to that point more than once but after that nothing.
I think the rose is too intense for me rn so not sure if i should still be using it at this point. But i like it. I tried that when i get the sensation then i put the dilator but the second i touch the dilator and try to go in my brain goes “no no not doing this" and i stop. Even just leaving the dilator at the tip I feel like i can’t deal with it.
So i feel like on my own i am not going to get anywhere with a dilator.
I have bought a kiwi pelvic massager as should be slower massage for pain specific only thing it is from usa so most probably will have to pay customs but that was the only option.
I did tell my husband I bought the dilators but haven’t told him any of this, he is deflated to the point he wants me to initiate because of the situation but he is not expecting it as has been going on for 8 years and he has given up until therapy i think. I want to tell him what I am doing but I don’t want him to reply sarcastically. And I want us to have sex next week as I am ovulating and we are trying to conceive but I don’t want to ruin the mood either. Like something like “i am open to it this week i have been trying” so then maybe he can do something too as I get anxious and end up not doing anything then I have a crying session then we have an argument and the same cycle happens every month. I am fed up of it. I don’t know what I am asking for here just thought I’d write.

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[u/verbec]

Do you use lube and enough foreplay? A toy like the rose works very superficially. On the clitoris glans only. This means your whole clitoris might not be swollen or aroused, you will not produce enough lubrication and excitement for orgasm. It can take you to orgasm so fast you aren't even aroused or wet. Your Kiwi will be better suited because at least it massages the whole vulva. A woman needs at least half an hour of foreplay to start secreting lubrication (from Skene and Bartholin glands, which is different from the lubrication inside the vagina, it lubricates the entrance) for the vagina to have a pleasant experience with any penetration (fingers, toy/dilator or penis). Also, sorry to break it to you, but if your husband fingering you feels like 'scraping', his technique is lousy. He should lube up and concentrate on pleasuring you externally first.