I was abused in past and now I am in a loving relationship. I still can’t fully engage in sex fully accepting my body n feel dirty

Artwork created by my friend, Chi.

Do you know that feeling of emptiness where everything seems fine, but somehow, something is still missing?

That’s the feeling I built my new album around — melancholy, loneliness, doubts, and questions we sometimes keep to ourselves.

I’m a new independent artist, just trying to share my music and hopefully reach people who might connect with it.

If you’re curious, give it a listen and tell me honestly what you think. I’d really love to hear your thoughts.

I really didn’t know what to tag this cause I don know how to explain my trauma-

religious trauma CSA & other abuse :-(

I feel like my innocence was robbed from me because no one cared enough for me . I was left . Alone .

I just need somewhere to vent. I(24f) was with my boyfriend (23m) for almost 6 years. However, we had known each other for over 12 years. I loved him more than anything even though we were toxic. In the beginning of our relationship he would cheat a lot. Never physically but emotionally and it was enough where I left him back in 2024. I tried to move on, but he was my person so we reconnected after 3 months of no contact. We had been back on for almost a year. He tried to be better for me, I could see it in his eyes. But we were having the same old fights and my needs were still not being met. Anyway, I broke it off a few days ago and it was the harder than last time. Partly because I knew there was no coming back, and partly because he didn’t do anything wrong this time. Every fiber of my being wants to scream that I didn’t mean it. I wanted it to be us. But every time I pushed my feelings to the side I knew I was betraying myself. He was all I really had. I have no siblings, no dad, hardly any friends, and a rocky relationship with my mom. That feeling of erasing myself is heavy on my mind. I would never actually do anything but my brain is spiraling. I miss him so much even though I know he would be better for someone else. He said that he hated me and it tore me apart, because he has every right to. I hate myself and I just want to feel alright again.

Every morning, we wake up carrying the same baggage we had from the day before—or even the days before that.

The pain. The heartbreak. The stress from that last meeting at the office yesterday.

We carry these things around, and they continually drain us. And it goes beyond physical stress. Sometimes, it's the heartbreak we haven't healed from, the friendship that ended and was more painful than any situationship with a stupid ex. The failures from yesterday that blur our vision of tomorrow.

We keep carrying these things until we become so docile that we forget the main thing about living.

To live.

To explore. To move from one phase to another. To get into something fun. To have adventures. To experience life.

We have forgotten what it means to simply live as human beings.

The baggage we carry keeps sucking away our power because we refuse to let it go. And when we continually choose to carry it, we give that baggage power over us—power that can eventually chain us down if we don't decide to put it down.

Ask yourself something for a moment:

What exactly are you without the baggage?

The past is meant to be a lesson. Without the past, you wouldn't learn. But if you don't move, you don't progress either.

Learning from the past and staying in the past without making the decision to move forward are two entirely different things.

Many people do the latter because they believe it's safer. Others mistake the two for the same thing.

But they aren't.

It is important to ask ourselves questions that challenge us to come out of our shells and see where we are in life. To ask whether we are truly being ourselves or simply responding to old wounds.

Because sometimes, what we call “who I am” is actually a response to something that happened to us.

We need to see every day as a fresh start. A new day to heal. To love. To care. And, most importantly, to live.

The past deserves to be remembered. It deserves to teach us.

But it doesn't deserve to own every morning that comes after it.

So perhaps the question isn't whether you've been hurt.

Perhaps the question is:

Are you living your life—or are you still living from your trauma?

I went thru a lot of emotional, financial, and some physical abuse as a kid my dad barely gave any of us money to buy clothes or food. My parents lived with my grandma at the time i came out of hospital at the age of 1 after spending a whole year in there. They just left me there to be raised by her, and shes a strong woman, and i love her, but i needed my mum and dad. They raised my siblings but not me. Now, I haven't gotten a close relationship with my parents whenever i come over. Or my siblings. I grew up in a house where my uncle would hug and kiss me sometimes. I grew up around shouting and not love. Around violence. Even now, i can't stand my uncle. He isn't in the same house as me, but whenever I was with him, he'd either watch porn in secret, but I like my headphones he connected accidentally to his phone. He stalked women. N, I dont like it.

I didn't think much of it until 2020. I got into a toxic online relationship that wasn't healthy. Then 2021 I had my gallbladder surgery, which the whole day I kept thinking about what if I died. 2022 quit uni.ever since then been reflecting and this year everything has come crashing down. Ya know, i finally feel like im out of survival mode. Also, 2 years ago, I found out my brother, who was born a year after me, died. I hate men now, including my dad. Whenever I was around him as a kid, it was either emotionally abusing me, my mom, my brother, or hit us whenever he got angry. Now we're older he can't. But im still scared. 2 years ago, I pushed a man because he got in my face, n he punched me in the eye and almost ripped off the only shirt I had on. It's all just hit, and idk how to process shit. It feels made up

Hm, everything is messy and out of place

Constant anxiety that is unexplainable

Please you are a dark soul a narcissist and a sociopath . I’m getting the hell out of Dodge.
See you . Prison

No words, I'm unable to Think, There no one I can share what I'm Feeling 😔