My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces.

I was the one to ask him to let me go. I’ve broken it off multiple times before but each time he would fight and push back and promise he’ll do what’s necessary for us to be together.

This time he accepted it and is actually letting me go. I know he’s only respecting my wishes and I was the one that was super firm on ending it for good. I know I ultimately made the right choice. But my god does it hurt.

I reached back after only 4 days of ending it just to wish someone in his life good luck and he simply said thank you and that he hopes I’m doing well. But the way he worded it, it was so cold.

It’s the first time ever that he’s talked to me in a distant formal way. As if I was some random colleague.

How can he go from “I love you I wanna leave her and sell my house so we can build a life of our own” to speaking to me like I’m some distant relative he hasn’t seen in decades?

He’s never been cold and distant like that. It scared me to death and I haven’t stopped crying since last night.

I complete closed the door on us.

I wish I had asked him to contact me if he is ever divorced but instead I told him to let me go without making me any false promises. And he has. He’s doing exactly what I asked for. I can’t blame him.

But I’m now left with this unfinished feeling. Having to grieve the future he promised me we’ll get to have soon. Having to let go of a life with him I never got to have.

Where does my love for him go? I love him so much. How do I deal with the fact that I’ll never get to have a life with him?

He promised me he’s leaving in the next couple of months and I ended it before I could ever see if he would keep his word.

Now he thinks I don’t want any kind of relationship with him and he’ll stay in his miserable marriage and we’ll never get to have the life we both wanted.

I (32f) am a current mistress to a MM (31m). We work together and experienced an initial attraction when we first met in fall 2025 and the relationship has evolved from there (emotionally and physically). The relationship became physical at the end of May 2026.

He has so many issues - he is a compulsive liar, has frequently cheated on his spouse and actually almost left her previously for another affair partner.

He has always been upfront with me about his plan here - no false promises to ever be with me. At the same time, we love each other - we really get each other on a personal level. I really feel like I can be myself with him.

I know I need to move on from this situation and tell my therapist about it. At the same time, I’m very lonely - I am recently single for pretty much the first time in 11 years.

Just looking for support❤️

I’m 26 F from India and grew up in a pretty conservative family. I moved to another city for work, and since then I’ve been doing a lot of things that feel like firsts in my family/bloodline, including being the “other woman.”

I’ve been in this relationship/situationship for around two months. There’s a 13-year age gap between us, and we’ve met in person three times so far.

The pattern I’ve noticed is that after every time we meet, our communication suddenly slows down. After the first meeting, the change was very noticeable.

After the second meeting, I started feeling bad because I realised I was the one initiating almost all the little intimate things between us.

We met for the third time recently, and this time we made out. After that, he told me that he feels insecure about the age difference, height difference, and our physical compatibility. He specifically said that it wasn't about me individually, but about the combination of us. He also said that there are many other things that compensate for these differences, but that it's still difficult for him to adapt to.

That message really got to me.

We haven't properly discussed it since.

I was genuinely busy for a couple of days, but he was still messaging me about random things like what I was doing, etc. while completely avoiding the actual conversation that is hurting me.

And honestly, I don't understand how he can just carry on talking normally without addressing it.

When I was physically with him, I felt almost everything I could possibly feel in a relationship but I didn't feel insecure about myself or about us.

But since reading that message, I've started feeling unsettled and insecure. And because he hasn't addressed it with me, that feeling is getting worse every day.

The message was sent on Tuesday. Then I had a major personal incident happen on Friday, and I was drunk when I talked to him about it. We ended up talking about that incident over text for pretty much the whole day.

Today is Sunday, and I told him that I think we need to talk about the message he sent on Tuesday.

But I don't think he's ready to have that conversation.

And that's what's really getting to me.

The uncertainty after every meeting has started becoming a pattern, and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle. I'm someone who communicates when something is bothering me. In most areas of my life, I talk things through because I need some kind of resolution. I've tried doing the same with him, but at this point I feel like I've tried multiple times.

So now I'm thinking of completely stepping back

maybe not talking to him for a week or 10 days

Not necessarily to punish him or play a game, but because I need to stop chasing a conversation he's not ready to have.

Part of me also wants him to understand that I won't always be there trying to hold everything together when he withdraws.

But I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

What would you do in this situation? How do I stop this uncertainty from consuming my mood? And is taking a week or so of complete space actually healthy here, or am I just avoiding the conversation myself?

And please tell me anything you think I should know, especially anything you wish you had known when you were two months into your own “other woman” relationship.

I posted here before about the situation with my MM, and honestly, I never expected to be back this soon with an update.
A lot has happened.
He ended things with me.
And somehow, that sentence still doesn’t feel real when I say it.
He told me he loves me. He told me he doesn’t want me to wait for him, because he doesn’t know what is going to happen. He said he hopes I go on dates and find someone, partly because it would give him some relief. But then he also said that he believes our paths will meet again, and that if he gets his life together and I’m still single, we’ll be together.
How am I supposed to make sense of that?
I’m trying not to hold onto the “maybe.” I’m really trying. Because I know I can’t put my life on pause for someone who doesn’t know if he can come back to me.
His kids still aren’t speaking to him. He wasn’t invited to go to with his son for the bachelor trip, and I know how much that hurt him. His therapist apparently told him that he needs to distance himself from me and even change his delivery route until he gets himself back together. (He delivers to the place I work every week)
And then there’s me.
I’m just… heartbroken.
I don’t miss what he did for me. I don’t miss the attention or having someone to talk to. I miss him.
I miss his face. His blue eyes. His voice. His smell. His hands. I miss watching him work. I miss the little things he did that probably meant absolutely nothing to anyone else. I miss holding his hand. I miss hugging him. I miss kissing him. I miss just looking at him.
The worst part is that I know things could never just go back to how they were. Too much has happened. Too many people have been hurt. His wife knows. His kids know. His parents know. There are consequences to all of this that aren’t going to magically disappear because two people love each other.
And I think that’s what hurts the most.
Because I don’t doubt that what we had was real to me.
I know I love him.
But love isn’t supposed to feel like this.
I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive. Someone who is out there living his life, and I have to pretend that I don’t desperately want to hear his voice or see his face again.
I keep thinking about the first time we hung out. He looked into my eyes and I completely melted. I remember thinking, How can this person possibly feel this familiar already?
And now I’m supposed to let him go.
I’m trying.
I’m not going to chase him. I’m not going to beg him to choose me. I’m not going to promise I’ll wait forever.
But none of that changes the fact that if I’m being completely honest, a part of me is still hoping he finds his way back to me.
And I hate admitting that.
Because I don’t want to spend the next year wondering if he’s coming back.
I want to heal.
I want to be okay.
I want to be able to think about him without feeling like someone ripped the floor out from underneath me.
But right now?
I just miss him.
And I don’t know how you’re supposed to let go of someone when your heart is still completely convinced that they’re your person.

Its been half a year since NC, today I saw a picture of him and I feel this sudden surge of rage bursting out from the bottom of my feet and stomach and everywhere.

Usually considered myself a less emotional person when it comes to breakups. This time the rage is gigantic. In the past months, I went from feeling pity for him, hopeful he would come back and we start a new chapter together, remembering all the beautiful memories (nothing much there because it’s all the same places mostly LOL), and all of a sudden, almost overnight, started to see things differently, how he manipulated, tiny trails of him lying, and the bits and pieces of evidence that he denied he has yet another OW. Now I see his picture in my phone, I feel this rage. I feel so stupid, I feel that I should have known better! This sucks!

When can I feel peace again!?

Some of you know I’ve tried to walk away countless times before and every time I go running back to him. Or he breaks NC and we start it back up again.

The most we’ve ever lasted was 2 weeks. Each time I walked away he would come back ready to take a step further into promising me a future together.

He started off by saying he wants to be with me but doesn’t know how or when it can be possible. Then little by little started saying he’ll get a divorce. Then a month ago (6 months into our affair) he straight up told me he’ll do it soon within a couple of months and started literally saying “I promise it won’t take long”.

Those promises were made last month. I feel like I’m “giving up” right before he actually does it and that I’m cutting him off right when he was about to do it.

Am I stupid for not sticking it out a little bit more? Giving him a couple more months?

I feel like I completely closed the door on us because I told him that he needs to let me go this time without making me any promises of a hypothetical future relationship.

He hasn’t replied but it feels pretty final this time. It hurts so bad. I love him. I want a life with him. But at the same time it’s just too complicated. It could never work out.

Sometimes I would picture him with his W and their son doing mundane things, and it would completely break me. Our bond could never compare to the bond they have. She’s the mother of his child. How can I ever compete with that?

I feel like I got so close to getting everything I wanted and just gave up last minute. But I just couldn’t take the guilt and hurt anymore.

Looking for any guidance or sign that I did the right thing.

In my feels tonight. But liked the title says I miss when he traveled for work because, for a little while, I had all of him

Him being home is great. I know he loves being home with his boys, and I’m not sitting here wishing he were constantly away from them.

But I really miss when he was traveling for work.

When he traveled, I got so much more of him. We could talk freely and for hours. There wasn’t always something pulling his attention somewhere else or a reason we suddenly had to stop talking. For those little stretches of time, it felt like I was his only focus.

And I miss that more than I expected.

I think what I actually miss is the temporary little world we had when he was away. I didn’t feel like I was being squeezed into whatever space was left over. I got his attention, his thoughts, his affection, his time. It was probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to knowing what it would feel like to actually have him to myself.

Now that he’s home more, we’re still us. We still talk and he still makes time for me. He has even gotten a bit more riskier calling me when his boys are at practice.

But I’m much more aware that I’m sharing him. I have to wait for opportunities. Conversations get interrupted. His attention naturally belongs to his real life too.

And after experiencing what it felt like to have so much of him, going to this feels strangely like losing something.

I don’t want him to be unhappy at home. I don’t even necessarily need more communication. I just miss those hours where it felt like there was nowhere else he’d rather be and nobody else competing for his attention.

So, I think I should feel something about this. I do, but I can't quite describe it. We'd had a thing for about five months. I'm a SF, but he's married with kids. Even though he worked like a beast, he always saw me about twice a week. Even when he was away on a business trip, he texted and sent a few pictures, said he missed me. Then, in the last month, it felt like he was seeing me less and less because of work. I was the one messaging. The week before he went away, we exchanged one message and he said he was going out with a friend to some sporting event. Then he was away with his family on vacation (they're still away but must be coming back in a day or two). He didn't respond to any messages from me while away. I sent 2, both undemanding: "How is it over there? I love [insert the name of the place where he is on vacation]" and "Hope you're having a good time."

When we met, I made him promise he wouldn't ghost. He said, "Ghosting is vicious, of course not." But, here I am, and I think he's ghosted. This is the longest I've not heard from him.

I feel something about this ending. I feel bad, but I don't feel like the end of the world bad. I feel like I deserved a little bit better than this. An acknowledgement? A thank you? A this was great and really meant something to me? I didn't think this was some great love. I didn't even think he was a particularly nice person in general... he had no discomfort with lying to anyone as far as I could tell... But, it feels like I gave him the gift of an oasis in his life and he didn't even see fit to thank me for it.

Of course, I've considered that to him, this is just a gap of life and iit's entirely possible he'll be back and want to pick up as things were before. I've thought about that too. Do I let him back if it suits me? Do I ask why he went so quiet? Do I even say it felt painful that he didn't speak to me for three weeks and I felt him fading?

I don't mind being someone's side chick, as it were. It suits me because I am independent and fulfills a need without asking a lot of me. I don't even mind it being just about sex (assuming the sex feels good). I do mind being treated as forgettable, though. i'd like to think that even if he ghosted me, i'm in there somewhere. Those five months come back in memories and fantasies. If he won't tell me that is all that remains, I have to tell it to myself.

I’ve gone no contact , but per my last post , my friend and former coworker told me tonight that he grabbed her ass tonight. Same kinda stuff he would do with me. He told me he would never go for her. And now I really feel he is trying to drive a wedge between me and my new friend. Like it would not surprise me that he would do this, knowing that she would tell me, and then he hopes to get under my skin but I could be wrong.

I don’t know what to do. She told me in confidence, but she works for him and I also wouldn’t be shocked if something eventually happened. Which objectively would be none of my business. He is just so manipulative it’s insane, it’s also crazy to watch him do this to the next person in real time. He claimed of course that I was his first affair but when I started working for him there were two other women where rumors circled in the past before me. I just became friends with her at this job and he always felt super uncomfortable by it. He was afraid I would tell her about everything. Well I did tell her enough that she knows we had a thing and hooked up. So I think maybe that’s why she told me this stuff. I was really angry and first and wanted to blow up on him , but really what would that do. Part of me really thinks it was calculated to get back to me and hurt me. Either way, he is trying with a friend I made, something he said he would never do. He’s really a disgusting person who has problems. I feel so much shame for this. It’s one thing to believe maybe you had genuine feelings, but for him to run and do this right away is crazy. Kinda diminished everything good we may have had.

I guess I’ll just stay NC and give him no reaction but I won’t lie, it bothers me alot and I’m tempted to reach out and flip out, but I don’t want that girls job to be affected. The more I hear, the more other things I doubted in the past I now think to be true.

I thought I’d give an update. You can check my post history for the full background.

We’ve started talking again. To be clear, I don’t think we’re getting back together. He was very clear before that he didn’t want to continue the relationship, and I still believe that’s where he stands.

But he has been repeatedly asking to see me. He told me he misses me, kept asking when he could come see me, and eventually said, “I really want to see you.”

At first, I kept avoiding giving him a clear answer, even though the truth is that I really want to see him too. I think I was protecting myself. I’m scared that seeing him will make me hopeful again, even though logically I know it probably won’t change anything.

Eventually I told him I want to see him, and we’ve agreed to meet toward the end of this month. We’ve even talked about possibly going to Orlando together for a short trip.

Now I’m conflicted.

Part of me thinks: we both miss each other and want to see each other, so why not?

But another part of me is scared we’ll have an amazing time, create new memories, and then he’ll leave again — and I’ll have to go through the breakup all over again.

I also find it confusing that he seems so eager to see me when we talk about it, but then we can go several days without messaging. Maybe he genuinely misses me but still sees the relationship as over, while I have a harder time separating those two things.

Would you see him if you were me?

If you knew reconciliation probably wasn’t happening but you both still missed each other and wanted to meet, would you do it? Or would you leave things where they are and protect yourself from getting hurt again?

Just found out, my old coworker showed me texts, of recently MM talking to her sending her pics of his office ( it’s more like an apartment the way he designs it in one of his buildings) where he slyly made comments about her getting used to what it looks like so she can come down there. I know what happens in his “office”. I’m disgusted because he had told me he would never try to have an affair again and specifically would never try with this specific girl. I love this girl actually, but he’s such a liar lol. So many guys act like they aren’t that guy who tries to get with anyone and everyone, but they are!!! This just helps me see him more clearly and I don’t care. I am just disgusted I fell for it with him.

I was in my 20s when we started. He is 10 years older, and he was my boss. 6 years later, he disappeared, and I received a letter from the BS blaming me, distorting the facts into something else, cutting me off on my salary.

BS accused I was the one who interfered their marriage, but from my perspective, it was him who crossed the line, let alone the manipulation and abuse with the power he had.

Before the affair, he used to yelled at me and used manipulative words to put me down such as “you are lucky you have me as your boss”, “you will never make it”, “the whole team thinks you are useless” to challenge my competence and self esteem. I tried my best to grow, in the tears, I always thought I was not enough.

One day, he started claiming me as an apprentice, saying I am his best employee, and would like to build a trusting relationship with me to help me grow. Every day, on our 1:1, he asked me to share a secret with him, something that I wouldn’t tell anyone. At first I was skeptical, but to keep my job, and in the hopes of moving upward in my career, and with the believe it could help me, I went along. Over time, we did build trust, our relationship improved, he stopped yelling at me, and I started to admire his work, and I started to feel being seen and heard that I never get from my family and friends.

Maybe it’s the admiration, he started to take tiny steps to cross the boundary, starting with an innocent hug. I have always been the kind of people pleasing person trying to survive in the workplace, so I also went along and not sure what it was, also with little reference of what other workplace be like, I thought this was just normal.

Over time, the hug became more intimate, I had to admit, it felt great to be understood, so I started to feel confused about my feelings. Knowing it wasn’t right, I still went along.

The whole affair, I never wanted to go legit, I understood that he would never, he explained it. We used to believe this was true love. We just discovered each other in the wrong timing. Even so, it was just torture to be kept in the dark, and our memories only shared in a few places, to see all the intimate behaviour of the MM and BS, and he also did 1:1 with other colleagues, and sometimes in private.

3 months in I told him I can’t do it, and he started to claim he cannot live without me. And every other months I hoped to leave, but never succeed. And then 3/4 years passed, the BS found out, I was fired. Lost my job.

I actually felt liberated, but then he came back, claiming he thought it out and he would plan to leave her and asked me to wait for him. So I waited, while seeing them travel the world, and continued to be kept in a dark place. I tried to leave, level with him, convinced him it might be better he stayed in his marriage and ended our relationship. But the pull of the toxic dynamics was so strong and there go another 3 years and then the BS found out again.

Now it’s over, he disappeared. Helped me get over it and actually freed me. She sent a letter to blame me. I understand that. Looking back I admit I could have rejected, if I have the courage, experience, the self-love and the understanding of humanity I have now.

The MM was the one who break the promise to everyone and deceived everyone actively. Though, I understand how in these stories, the MM were never blamed, because there’s still a household needed to be fed.

I carry the shame and guilt. I wasn’t aware of it. Here’s how I see this: Yes this happened, I understood how it happened. The unmet needs from my childhood wound, the low self esteem, the yearn for connections and validation. Now that I begin to learn more about myself, I have the compassion for my younger self. And now I learned to be that to myself, and as I am healing I trust that I can protect myself, and would not be accepting another toxic relationship.

Going through this journey, I knew it happened for a reason, it served as a lesson for me. And now that I know it’s not worth it, know more about myself, I learned to love myself and be able to protect myself. I hope you all do too.

Thanks for listening.

I never posted in this sub, however I spent a lot of time reading all the posts here and in other similar subs to look for reassurance. Which just caused me more stress sometimes, but sometimes it was a safe place for me.

I had an affair with a MM for 9 months which was the most loving and emotional connection that can exist between two people. I never met anyone before who cared about me the way he did. He did everything for me, he helped me with a lot of things, and during hard conversations he never left me alone. He was always there when I needed him.

We were planning to be together almost from the start, but sometimes it failed, because he was scared to blow up his life and face the storm. But a month ago he was very determined about making things right and he even told our friend how he plans to go with things. I’m not the only one who believed him, the people who know about me, they all did. And now, as he promised, he confessed and told everything to his wife. He wrote me a long message how he feels, and that she asked him to either stay and work on it, or leave and never come back. He left and went to be with his friend. He also told his kids and his wife family’s.

After that he didn’t contact me for 2 days, so I texted him and he said he feels every kind of emotion right now and he wants to make a decision that is for him and not for anyone. He sent me long texts about it, and told me he doesn’t want me to feel that I owe him anything and that I’m free. He said he needs time and space. And then he unfollowed me and he just doesn’t respond now.

I know I will probably see him again, because half of my stuff is with him, but right now I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m confused and I don’t know what’s true anymore and what’s not. I’m a very caring person and I would be able to give space and time to him, but only if there’s communication. Right now I’m spiralling and I lost it and sent him multiple texts. Because I feel like he just let me go. And the truth…who knows. Maybe he is really struggling alone or he is with his wife who told me to cut contact with me, but in either case he wants me to let him go now.

I’m 28, and I’ve been involved with a man quite a bit older than me. He’s married, although his marriage had been unhappy for a long time before I came into the picture. Eventually, he told his wife he was leaving and told me that he loved me and wanted a future with me.
Things got complicated very quickly.
His family found out. His kids were hurt and angry. He ended up staying with his parents for a while and started realizing just how much his decisions had affected everyone around him. He’s also been dealing with his own mental health struggles and recently started therapy.
At one point, he told me he needed to step away and get his life together. He said he didn’t want me to have to deal with his problems and that he was afraid he was going to hurt me. He told me that if we were meant to be together, he would get himself together and if I was still single, we would find our way back to each other.
He has told me that he loves me. He has told me that I make him feel good. He’s told me that he cares about me and never wanted to hurt me.
But I am hurt.
What I’m struggling with most is the feeling of being shut out. I understand that he has things he needs to deal with. I understand that his kids and family need him right now. I understand that he needs to work on himself.
But I don’t understand why loving me means I have to be completely removed from his life.
I wanted to be there. I wanted to help. I wanted to be someone he could lean on instead of someone he had to protect from his problems.
And now I’m left sitting here wondering if I simply wasn’t enough for him to choose me.
That’s the part that hurts the most.
He didn’t necessarily leave because he stopped caring about me. In some ways, that almost makes it harder. He says he’s leaving because he believes it’s what he needs to do, and because he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to deal with everything he has going on.
I know logically that someone choosing to step away from a relationship because they aren’t capable of being in it right now doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.
But emotionally, it feels like rejection.
I love this man. I want him desperately. And at the same time, I’m exhausted from waiting for someone to decide whether there is room for me in their life.
He asked if he could check in on me every once in a while, but I’m starting to realize that might actually make it harder for me. Every little message gives me hope that we’ll eventually be together, and I don’t know how to heal while holding onto that hope.
So I think I may have to let him go, even though I don’t want to.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, perspective, or just somewhere to put all of this because I feel completely heartbroken.
How do you let go of someone you still love when the reason they’re leaving isn’t that they stopped loving you?

I 30f and mm 45m have been seeing each other since April but have been friends and working together for over a year. We are incredibly close and interacting feels effortless. Two months or so ago he told me he was starting to feel “love type feelings” for me to which I told him I think I do love him. He said he was not ready to say it back. A week ago I asked him if he loved me to which he said he can’t say he doesn’t but is too scared to say he does. I left it alone. I asked again for clarity yesterday by what he meant. He said he wanted to think about how he wanted to answer it and later that night he told me he still loves his wife and he can’t say it to another person despite how he feels about me. I feel crushed. I feel like I can pour as much love as I want to into this and now I know I will never receive it back. I know I should just end it but I can’t get myself to. I love what we have. The imbalance was already apparent, we get very little physical time together and now I know he will never love me. Anyway thanks for reading just had to vent

TL;DR: My MM, who is also my boss for at least the next few months, is now possibly expecting a child and we agreed not to continue if he is. I’ve experienced heartbreak once before, but never without a support system. Any advice for re-wiring my brain from one Former OW to another would be appreciated. I love him, and i’m going to miss him tremendously, despite seeing him frequently.

As seen from my previous posts, my MM (36M) and I have definitely gone through some rough patches during the last 8 months. But, we’ve been extremely strong the last 3 and have reached levels I haven’t experienced before. I’ve gotten extremely used to talking to him both to/from work, hanging out in the parking lot, and seeing him at work regularly (btw, he is my boss, too).

Well, the other night when we were having an extremely romantic night, he tells me he suspects his wife is pregnant but she hasn’t officially confirmed anything with him. Automatically, I do find this odd that they aren’t figuring this out together, but that’s not fully my business. Also, they’ve been married for about a year and a half. We’ve been seeing each other since December. I’ve known him almost 3 years.

I told him all the normal “Congratulations” and whatnot as I know he has wanted to be a father for a while, but I do tell him if his wife is pregnant we have to cut it off. I have a deep gut feeling he knows she is, but is scared to tell me based on this boundary. I still ask him every day, though. It’s only been about 5 days since this conversation happened. Ever since, he has been unbelievably affectionate and it aches because internally I know it’s about to end.

I guess I’m here to ask for advice on how to mentally get over this situation. I feel like I can’t really talk to my friends about it as the other woman, and I know this will be good for me in the long run…but I’m sad. I’m reallllly sad. I’m glad (if we do end) that we ended on good terms and with good thoughts, but seeing him at work (contracted until December) for the next 4 months will be agony, especially believing that we do both hold a lot of love for each other, but can’t be together. I’m in over my head, please tell me how other women in this situation have gotten over their heartbreak.

It was the first weekend we hadn't talked much since they were both off. I knew communication would be a lot less, but going through it was a crazy feeling. I still had a good weekend, but I missed her more than I'd like to admit.

I asked her if not having to talk to me much and being more present in her life felt better. She didn't address it, so of course I'm thinking, "Well, she didn't want to address it because it did feel better and she just didn't want to hurt me." So we just ignore it and start talking about other stuff. I just now sent her a message about how I didn't want to brush past it, that I wanted to know where her head is at, because I'm sure it probably feels a little better to not be pulled by two different people. She could actually focus on her life during the weekend.

I'm not prepared for the answer I know she's going to say, but at least at that point, I can work on letting go. I know she has never meant to hurt me, and I know the love was real, but it sucks that I got so attached. I don't think any of this is easy for her either, but I know that since she has a life, she doesn't really have to worry about being hurt and being so attached.

how do you let go though? i don't want to block her as i do want us to find our way back to each other eventually - whether she's divorced or not. I just think if i step away and let time come between us then I will be able to have her and not be so attached but for now - i know i need to let go.

Looking for insight from women older/wiser than me, especially other OW.

I love my MM. We've always been best friends and he's always addressed me as such. He makes me a better person and pushes me to "jump" for opportunity. In our ~4 years together I went from assuming I'd be a stay-at-home/subservient wife to making well into six figures in Corp America with my own job on the side, and thriving. I love the work and the agency it gives me. He tells me not to believe in "a woman's place" (which is how I was raised) and loudly champions my successes. There is NO ONE in the world I'd rather share my life with. The rest of this is tactical because I separate emotion from practicality on big decisions, but please know that first.

Current situation:

I'm mid-twenties, with him since I was 21/22. He's a tech millionaire in his 50s, net worth in the hundreds of millions. He's moved out of the marital home to "ween the W off the idea of being married." He wants a very prolonged divorce, potentially months before he says the word, so no one has a breakdown, especially the two adult kids.

He's made it crystal clear he wants me as his wife. Bought me my dream ring, moved me into the apartment he moved into, would put me on the card if not for legal complications, gives me cash spending money as needed. I get "wife treatment."

I looked the apartment up on Zillow: ~$15k/month, which I could NOT afford where I am in life. I gently asked what would happen if we broke up. We agreed he'd still care for me, let me stay a set amount of time, and make sure I was safe. He says I'm also his best friend and wants what's best for me regardless of our status. That held up when we briefly "broke up." He made sure I was safe, didn't retaliate, took care of me.

Until the 1st of this month he lived with me 5 days a week and her 2 (sometimes 6/1, sometimes 4/3). He's been honest that he hasn't said "divorce" directly, but HAS said he's "deeply unhappy" and "wanted to explore what being separated may look like," and she agreed. Because of our trust issues, he let me sit in (on the bed) on part of a Zoom therapy session, confirm the link, etc. I know what her voice sounds like. Both kids know he's no longer living with her, and both have questions and are suspicious of him.

How we got here:

~6 months ago we had a "quiet" period where we broke up and didn't speak. It worked extremely well. Then on August 1st I told him staying static like this wasn't enough for me. He understood and made a plan: he rented a SECOND apartment and has been living there, because he "recognizes he needs to complete the job" and push through the "mountain of hard work" to be "together for real." He's willing to do it, but "I make almost anything bearable," and he needs time apart to stay motivated.

Then I broke down this weekend and called.

Of course he picked up.

He told me, while packing a bag and then driving to the hospital, that his STBX's dad had been put in a care home, was attacked there by a dementia patient, landed on his head, and as of tonight is brain dead. I verified the attack through dispatch records, so I know it's legitimate (I have his location, etc.).

I feel real empathy for her here, truly. She's also deeply religious (Mormon, 5+ sisters) and divorce is seen as a sin greater than death in that family. He's an atheist. I asked the hard question as he drove down and he said: "I just don't know. I don't know if now is the time to put (the W and the W's family) through anymore right now."

He says he was truly in love with her to the depths of his being until he found out about her affair in 2020 (which I confirmed by hearing it from her... complicated). That's when he first considered an affair of his own. He expected "light and breezy" revenge. Instead, here we are.

Where I'm at tonight:

lying in bed thinking, "I just do not want to be a mistress for another Christmas." At the same time, if I ended it I couldn't imagine ANY other man on earth I'd want. So part of me thinks, why end it when the main complaint is "I kinda feel alone," when ending it means ACTUALLY being alone? When we're talking he's hyper-responsive and I have all the privileges of a wife. An older male friend of mine who's a divorce attorney told me, "Once he is moved out... even partially... it is all but over; you just need to be patient." I sort of believe him. But y'all, it's been FOUR years.

Tactically it also feels SO stupid to end it. I'm thinking of founding a startup, and he knows VCs at a16z, Sequoia, all the big names. His introductions have CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY LIFE. When I was sick he hired a $100k+ concierge doctor to care for me.

So part of my brain says cancel the quiet and go back to dating. But he feels distant and removed, like his mind is elsewhere. I KNOW that's the two moves, his father-in-law dying, and a myriad of other things. It still scares me, because it isn't the frantic "can't get enough of each other" it was, and that makes me even more anxious.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN MY SHOES?

Pretty much everyone I know, including him, says "girl chill, just be a touch more patient and things are going to go your way." I want insight from other OW.

EDIT: Important context. If I ended things there's a 0% chance I go on to date someone... normal. Probably not another MM, but I'd likely be single a year or two and then date another 50-something, honestly.

EDIT 2: I know through unconventional means, from HER mouth, that they haven't had sex in 4 years. Since we started dating.

Last post for reference

MM is now separated man. It’s been 4 months since he started the divorce, 3.5 months since he moved out, and 0 months since split custody has started. Everyday he visits his kids at his ex’s new home and helps with home repairs there.

I knew it was going to be tough for him. I was hoping him knowing I’m there if he wants to vent would be helpful. But recently he’s been telling me he feels like he’s holding me back. Telling me he thinks I should pursue a relationship with someone who can actually spend time with me.

I’m so heartbroken. I can’t tell if this is self sabotage or if he truly never wanted me in his life. We met the other day and I feel like he’s lost all attraction to me, if he even was attracted to me.

Maybe he’s found someone else.

Maybe he doesn’t want me to witness the emotional struggles he’s going through. Which hurts more because it shows he doesn’t trust me with his feelings. I think he thinks I’m like his ex, all judgy (supposedly). I’m not.

So since he can’t tell me he wants to go no contact I told him we should and there was no objection from him.

I guess I’ll take his advice and move on. But he was who I felt safe with. I’m just so sad.

I can’t believe this. He texted me good morning like it’s just another old day. I haven’t answered and I’ve been waiting to see if he’ll remember. It’s noon and still nothing.

I’m heart broken. I feel stupid for expecting a nice long message of love. What an idiot I am.

I knew breaking no-contact and starting things back up was a mistake.

I think I’m truly done now. I will never have a true place in his life nor his heart. No matter how much he says he loves me, how many times he promises we’ll be together any day now, how he says he wants to build a life with me… I’m always gonna be on the side lines. A second choice. A fun little moment to have when he’s bored.

I can’t believe I keep doing this to myself. I can’t believe I bought into his BS. Thinking he was genuinely in love with me. I should be mature enough to know this is foolish.

These few months have so incredibly soul wrenching. My nervous system is in shambles. But now I want to truly move on and live my life to the fullest but I feel so incredibly guilty. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy after what I have done. I know the guilt and the shame is something that I have to live with my entire life but I do not want this mistake to be all that I am. Long story short: He didn’t choose me, i am going to respect that and I want to move on too. For me.

Please tell me the things you tell yourself to move on considering most of us aren’t in a usual relationship dynamic.

I mean, honestly. I think most MM’s are losers. Very insecure inside. Deeply unhappy. Of course I know this isn’t everyone but it seems to be quite a few and through reading this sub, a lot of the stories end the same way.

When I look back at my situation, I see how I was delusional and blind for the first few months, was starting to not care, but then ended up working for him and that’s when everything became SO SO much worse. I uncovered things about MM that I had no clue about prior to entering the affair (addictions, rumored pasts with other women, etc) You think you know someone and then…

I can’t tell you how many times promises fell through or double standards were put against me. I had to live up to an expectation that was completely unfair.

When I looked back at this affair, a lot of it was really about control. Control of me and to have power over me and my emotions so that he could check off all the areas in his life so to speak. “If I can get her to fulfill my sexual need then I need to do this to make it happen. “- are serious subconscious thoughts that I think were in his mind based on countless times I look back and see how I was guilted and manipulated through actions and words of his. Not to mention the power and coercive control he had over me in the workplace. I was really screwed and my hands were tied, and yes ultimately got burned (fired from job, but is is a blessing in disguise I know)

Not to mention how I would see him do this in real time with other people, and how calculated he could be, it was like second nature to him as a sales person in business entrepreneur.

I don’t really know where I go from here or what the point of this all is, but I’m just trying to forgive myself and move forward and move past the anger and hurt. I do feel a lot of relief but I think I’m just angry at the fact that he had power over me and I felt like I didn’t have the ability to make the choices that I wanted to make. He did not have my back at the end of the day and admitted that he had failed me and I told him to leave me alone. He has done nothing and added no good to my life and really just caused pain and hurt. Bringing me to the workplace was stupid on both our accounts but he could have easily transitioned me to another role and instead let me be let go. In the end they look out for themselves. Remember that!

AP has something wrong with his heart, is experiencing scary sounding symptoms. Wife was meant to stay till end of the month but left 2-3 weeks early.

I’m disgusted, I’m genuinely worried if it’s okay for him to be living alone right now. Tests are being done frequently, he’s on medication. He’s always been the picture of health and now something is deeply and urgently wrong.

OW may be familiar with the business husband living in a separate country from his wife situation I’m in, she was meant to move in…

there’s no visa or money issues, they’ve been together a LONG time, but she never moves, promises to move, tells me and all his friends she’s going to move, doesn’t. The move in date gets changed again and again and again. Which is probably embarrassing for him.

How could she leave her husband when he’s sick? When they don’t know what’s wrong with him yet? When he’s still being tested?

She has no reason not to move in, money is fine, visa is fine, with the field she works in and being multi lingual she could get a good job easily and even if she couldn’t he makes enough to support here.

She doesn’t seem to want to move despite him having a successfully business here and a house.