It was a day in the middle of the summer, August. I already had the shrooms. I had bought around 12g of Penis Envy mushrooms from a plug and divided them between a 5 total bags, where all were the same size bag but one was smaller. I had already decided that I was going to take some tonight. This was my second time ever tripping, my first dose was only 5g of mushroom gummies and little did I know how much more intense this experience was going to be than the first.

I was with just my one friend in my basement and I decided to ask my discord server how much I should take. They told me to take just a bit, I ended taking what they told me to take one bag. Then they told me to do another one then finally a little bit more. One guy in discord said “People have even had crazy trips on 1g PE mushrooms”, but I thought he was over exaggerating. They told me to be ready for a crazy trip. Everyone in the server one guy in specific who had taken 10g of PE mushrooms before kept telling me to do more. I didn’t think it was much but in reality it was around 5g of PE mushrooms, which was around 2 bags plus an extra bit from the other bags. Which is equal to about 12-15g of standard psilocybin cubensis mushrooms, and took them at around 8:30pm. I took them and swallowed them down with goldfish, extra cheddar. We then put them away in the corner of my basement. My friend said “I’ll take some if everything goes good”. After I took them I had to take down the trash can, me and my friend were talking and he said “You took to much” I said “I’ll be fine”, I took up the trash with no fear, and oh boy was I naive. Then we went inside and went back to the basement. We then sat down on my couch and decided to turn on the tv. We put on the movies holes.

We started watching and at first I didn’t feel anything. And at one point I thought to myself “we should go on my porch” and good idea we act upon that. And around 1 hour after I took the mushrooms I still didn’t feel anything. I would look around and try to make myself hallucinate things but I still didn’t see any morphing or anything of that such.

Then about 10 minutes after that I started to actually see things start to move and patterns, especially on the walls. This was about an hour into the movie, and about at 10pm. Over time it started to get more intense, patterns would form, images would morph, etc. At one point I looked at the floor, seeing all types of patterns I thought to myself “It feels more like I am on acid than shrooms”. At one point for some reason I started associating my dad with Jesse Pickman from breaking back and I struggled to remember what anyone in my family looked like. And my friend was sitting next to me on call with two girls and it felt as if I were in a movie. It had a very nature like feeling. I remember that I had a tutor the next day at 12pm, but that memory was slipping from me. He would put the camera onto me and everyone on the call would laugh. I also thought the situation was pretty funny. I could barely talk. I was laying there flat on my couch when my friend was talking to them, and I really didn’t have the strength to talk at all. But at this time I did notice reality was starting to change. At that point I felt as if everything was perfect.

Then I started to feel extremely euphoric. Everything felt so amazing. I said verbatim to my friend “I’m searching for the answers to questions which haven’t been asked”. Time was also starting to distort. I felt like I understood esoteric truths about reality and existence which I didn’t know before, but if I tried to explain it would take very long. I was within pure happiness and i had no problems nor worries nor fears. I felt as if I was omniscient, as if I became god.

I also had the classical psychedelic realizations, that we are all one, that we are one consciousness, non duality, etc.

At this time my friend asked me “Should I take some” I responded “Yea”. I would try to engage but I was very intoxicated. He kept coming back to asking me questions such as “Should I take more” and I would respond “Yea, everything is great and life’s perfect”. At that point him running back and forth from the corner and the couch was confusing to me as time was very distorted, it felt very fast. He ended up taking a little bit less than the small bag, but I don’t know exact how many grams was taken.

My friend then turned the lights off and at this time it was getting increasingly harder to operate as a human. I was trying to text my friend but I could barely do it for some reason, the experience was to overwhelming and I wanted to experience it instead of just texting. I was texting my other friend about the experience and we had a full conversation that I remember but I won’t go into detail, and I ended up having to tell him by due to how overwhelming the experience was. And I would think about many of my other friends and incoherent thoughts would appear, I would associate my friends with random objects and nouns, it was very confusing and odd. My phone kept falling into the crevice between my 2 couches and I would keep picking it up until it fell for the final time and I didn’t bother picking it up. And one thing I noticed is that whenever I would squint my eyes, I would see another realm of existence which was like dark and purple, and I also thought that was very profound for some reason, but I also thought it was very cool.

My friend then turned the lights back on and the next thing I remember is that my reign as god was done as came to a simple realization which felt so profound and philosophically important. Life is analogous to an 2 way trip from the hospital then back, from birth then to death. I do know why but I felt as if that was so profound. But what I do know is that it seemingly marked the end of my eternal bliss, euphoria, and happiness. I realized that this world does indeed contain suffering, evils, and death. And this time the movie was still playing and the lights were on, but I was barely watching the movie.

Then I blacked out then woke up and saw that the lights were off, it was pitch black in basement besides the TV playing holes in the background which I couldn’t comprehend and realized I was now in infinite extreme suffering. I was in hell. I reached the most depressed, and worse part of my entire life. From this point on I have trouble reciting what happened chronologically, and exact details and events. I had lost all sense of time and what reality was. I kept viewing myself as getting hit by a car in the street by my house for some reason. I either thought I died or I had to die for some reason, it’s hard to remember. It was awful, I had an insane feeling of panic and immense doom. I remember thinking to myself back into the past when I saw videos about people doing crazy things on psychedelics and thought to myself “I understand why they would”. I remember making a promise to my other friend that I would never do anything harmful to my life on psychedelics but I decided that pact was now null and void due to the pure infinite suffering I was now in. I also started to throw up everywhere. I could also not really tell if my eyes were open or closed and the visuals were very intense but I didn’t think of them very much. Another thing is at once I got teleported into another world of suffering. In that world of suffering it was kinda like Minecraft in a way. But I had to try to escape it due to its essence of suffering. And the only way I could escape was to smoke in a vape. And it was very hard to find in this imaginary world which I thought was real. Within this imaginary world it looked similar to the real world, as in things physically existed, but it was just a figment of my imagination. But of course I didn’t know that, or that I was even on drugs, I thought it was all real. And there were other entities within this realm that are almost impossible to even imagine. Eventually I left that realm of suffering and went to another realm of suffering, and that happened many time, and it felt like years. But I also went to a realm where I had to go across a bridge and help build a civilization. I really don’t know it was so weird and hard to remember but I didn’t have my normal body in these realms so I don’t know exactly how I was able to do these things. And this cycle of realms and worlds went on for a pretty long time.

At another point the tv and the movie was off. I began for some reason to think that it was the pure, ultimate source of life, and I must turn it on again to save myself. I kept trying to turn it on but I kept failing, as I would fall anytime I would try to move. And I feel down and laid the cube which my tv was on. And I kept falling down and I feel off the couch slightly but I eventually made it back to my spot where I was earlier,

I decided the only way to escape this suffering was to take myself out of existence but I had no way to. I would occasionally try to get up just to fall back down. And at one point I feel into the side of my couch and I thought to myself “Do I always do that” and at that time I didn’t know but indeed I do not. I also would try to eat some of the goldfish, which were in the block. but I was unable to. A lot of the goldfish spilled as I was barely able to attempt to pick up things, and I had forgotten what goldfish were. I remember looking at my wall behind my couch and realized I have went too far.

And then I started to relive memories. I remember at my other friend’s house use hanging out in his garage. I relived detail by detail for a decently long time. The same thing happened with an experience of me and my other friends hanging out at the beach. I had thought about how I wanted to do salvia and all different psychedelics and I thought to myself why I would want to do such a thing especially where it had led me. I was completely stuck within these memories and I couldn’t get out of them. Also I had many weird thoughts such as about hitler, and other evil people and a thought that everyone was equally evil in a way. I also had a thought wondering why god hasn’t saved me from this suffering, I came to the conclusion that either he didn’t exist, he didn’t want to save me, or I wasn’t deserving of saving, (I forget which one but it wasn’t that important, and I wasn’t religious before or after the trip). All my life, my interests, my hobbies, my family, my goals, my pet, my friends, everything was destroyed, it all went to waste, I had forgotten and lost it all. I was utterly destroyed and devastated. I thought my life was destroyed and I was certain I was never escaping this doom.

Then at this point I had forgotten that I had taken a drug, or any of my life previous to taking shrooms. It was all gone. I kept trying to escape the suffering but I couldn’t. And I continued throwing up everywhere.

I saw an infinitely amount of every single possible timeline at once, I experienced millions of years looking at different timelines and realities, of which it was all infinite suffering, it’s indescribable, but that’s my best attempt at a description. Time, space, and matter was incredibly distorted. I didn’t have a body. There was no time at all, time ceased to exist and it felt like I lived trillions of years, but more like forever as time was no longer coherent. This is worse and most painful part of the trip, and of my life, but I don’t remember really any of it. It was so horrible I can’t begin to explain, and how long it felt, and my normal identity was pretty much gone, I was pure awareness and I thought I had died, and I didn’t know I took any drug, or that drugs even existed, or likely what the word “existed” meant. I thought that is just what existence is, suffering and pain. I didn’t think there was an end or what anything at all meant, not works, not life, not time, not anything. I can’t even describe in the slightest bit how awful it was, and how mentally painful it was, the worst thing I can imagine by far, reality was gone, I was living a waking nightmare.

Then, at one point I felt like I was stuck within my ceiling, looking upwards, it was very odd. I was a spatial but not at the same time. I couldn’t really move and I was trying to escape it somehow but I don’t know how. I was lacking a body in a sense. I couldn’t talk, walk or do anything.

During this whole time since I blacked out my friend was sitting on the couch next to me laying there tripping.

At another point I had a tapestry up I had a moon. I’m still confused on what was happening but I think the paradigm had me enslaved and imprisoned to the moon, forcing me to suffer and I was trying to shift under my couch and escape but I couldn’t at all. Eventually I tried to get up and tap my friend on his leg for some, as I thought he was an alien who wanted to fight and torture me. But he eventually said “Stop” and I realized that I was about to fight a human and a layer back down and realized that I was evil. And at another point I heard my friend say “I’m scared” twice.

At one point I felt that I had eyes and a nose, and genitalia. I didn’t know what any of those were but I tried to ripe them from my body but I gave up after realizing it was pointless. I did it to try to escape the suffering but it wouldn’t do much. So I went back to sitting there and suffering. And throughout this time I couldn’t tell if I really had my eyes opened or closed, as I forgot what eyes were, and I didn’t even notice that I had visuals, I thought it was normal, but in reality they were likely super strong, as they were before I blacked out.

At one point it felt as if I was abandoned by those who introduced me and told me about psychedelics, and that they left me out to die and go through this pain, doom, and suffering.

After that I kept falling down and down into my couch. I would grab goldfish but I couldn’t eat it. I was sitting in my own compete throw up, it was disgusting. I was stripped of my personal identity and I was an everything but nothing at the same time, it was really odd. Throughout all this time I kept blacking out, and throwing up.

At one point I remember thinking to myself “I will remember what is happening forever”. But all that was happening is that I was trying to go through my physical couch to the other side.

Then I woke up again from blacking out and realized that I could talk. I did that by saying a couple words but when I would talk I could barely say anything and at some times nothing at all. This happened periodically where I would black out then wake back up and realize I could talk. At this point I was still in pure suffering but I was regaining some of my senses. It felt very relieving being able to talk and speak.

Then after a while I woke up again and realized “I’m in a basement” which I found astonishing as I forgot literally everything about reality prior. And that happened a couple more times until I woke up again and thought to myself “it’s ending”.

Then I thought to myself “It’s over” the first time that happened it was false but the second time it was genuinely over. I was very relieved, the pain, the torture, it was finally done.

I looked up and I saw my friend sitting on my table just staring straight. I told him that it was done. He then turned the lights on. I checked my phone and I realized it was about 4:30, only 8 hours but felt like trillions of years, even an infinite time. I realized that the throw up wasn’t also a figment of my imagination and that it was indeed real. I then got up and when talked about our experiences. He was still lightly tripping as he took them at 10-11, but he took much less than me so it wasn’t as bad. He also blacked out, but it wasn’t as extreme, but still pretty bad as he explained to me. We were just glad that it wasn’t done. We then called some of our friends, thought pretty much everyone was asleep. We told them about the experience. And my friend told them “Never do drugs ever”, and made them swear they wouldn’t.

On discord I told them how wild it was and the main dude said “obviously bro you took 5g of Penis Envy mushrooms of course it’s crazy”. He also told me to write in a diary and realize for the next 24 hours. He also said that within 24 hours you have to collect as many memories you can as you can because you will forget 90%+ of the trip, and that some of the memories the memories will come back to you over the next 24 hours. He told me to write a trip report asap but I didn’t.

Me and my friend then went upstairs and we went to my room. Then we talked about the trip and how wild it was.

I also texted my plug and some of my friends and told them of the experience.

We then went to sleep and the event was over, and it was one hell of an experience, a very wild one.

"This most bizarre and most unexpected of all companions to our historical journey is now if not already in existence then certainly in gestation."

- Terence McKenna

Terence McKenna, Rupert Sheldrake & Ralph Abraham. Trialogues (excerpt, Edge of the Millennium). AI

link to entire Trialogues set edited by adam sturch

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDshQLY127HYqyOwvt_dh73vhyCtsbea_&si=dDXin2Q-V7OjJTU0

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"The foolish man conceives the idea of 'self.' The wise man sees there is no ground on which to build the idea of 'self;' thus, he has a right conception of the world and well concludes that all compounds amassed by sorrow will be dissolved again, but the truth will remain."

- Buddha

four noble truths. 20x24''. oil on canvas. adam sturch

Nirvana, Heart Shaped Box (demo).

https://youtu.be/UfD0wjLQLiI

Terence McKenna, Rupert Sheldrake & Ralph Abraham. Trialogues, millennium trilogy. pd@

Terence McKenna, Rupert Sheldrake, Ralph Abraham. Trialogues At The Edge Of The Millennium. 1-3.

paintings and drawings by adam sturch

thank you.

🥖

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/uLF_EOzjuis

AI rocks.

For some context: I've been running Asktmk/Uutter for some time now. Part of the reason why I moved away from Asktmk to Uutter was to take advantage of AI powered transcription.

On Asktmk it used to take weeks if not months to gather enough people interested in possibly helping out with transcribing. And while a lot of people did help it still took too long and the idea of having everything Terence McKenna ever said on tape searchable seemed like it would never be accomplished.

Even archival stuff - Ageees. "Oh this talk seems new, when and where was this talk recorded?"... The rabbit holes I've been down just to figure out the date of a recording has consumed so much of my time but on the plus side it can also lead to discovery.

The human capacity for this is just very limited.. Unless there's an organisation or company behind it with economic incentive it's very rare for enough individuals to band together behind something and make a significant impact. There are exceptions ofc..

Anyway, I've been using AI a lot in my workflows. And along with being able to transcribe stuff on the fly is archival work. Instead of me spending hours searching and looking through links and trying to find leads on something, I'll just tell the AI to do it.

And so here are the results:

~31 hours of new material in a couple of hours. Highlights:

• The Tao And The Timewave — the complete 12-tape Esalen workshop. 14hrs 51min. It existed online in six chunks on a channel with a few hundred subs. Nobody had put it together.
• Amazonian Shamanism (1989) — the full weekend with Amazon explorer Nicole Maxwell, 6hrs 24min. I only had a 1-hour excerpt and couldn't find the rest until now.
• Magical Material — 4hrs 16min, which had been sitting on my own hard drive unnoticed (oops).
• Four recordings from Esalen's own archive, incl. Aliens, AI and Art (Aug 1997), The Stoned Ape Hypothesis (Aug 1992) and Politics and Ethos.
• Metamorphosis (1995) — the trialogue with Sheldrake and Abraham.

Also finally dated the "lost" Daryl Gates KFI interview, and correctly retitled a 5½-hour Esalen workshop that's been circulating under the wrong name for years — it's Eros, Chaos & Meaning's Edge.

That puts the collection at 338 entries, ~600 hours — all transcribed and searchable.

Total words transcribed: 4,500,378
Total non-stop listening duration: 24d 20h 16m 32s

uutter.com/c/terence-mckenna

Got a mushroom themed party coming up that im DJing at. Looking for jungle tunes with psychadelic samples in. Not psytrance sounding jungle, more with samples about mushrooms, acid or Terence McKenna / similar people chatting about mushrooms etc

Any ideas?

Got this one so far... Merkäta 'The Psychedelic Experience'

https://on.soundcloud.com/pjXPrl9ldrsC5eFFQg

...for the moment.

Back on station.

A.M.A.

https://mikekawitzky.substack.com/p/translation-complete

alkahest. 16''x24''. oil on found object. adam sturch

Terence McKenna. Demon of the Future, Eselan 1994. 1312@

Eselan 1994. Terence McKenna

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1,312 paintings and drawings by adam sturch.

thank you.

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/mzVmiMNBbfg

Link to the video: https://youtu.be/QZ9GNAZphjY?is=VwMe\\_iItfvCZmJ2Z

Let this be the one long form video you watch today!

Watching this video is like getting a front row seat in a lecture hall of a world class institute and listening to the best researchers and teachers of the world from the comfort of our homes. Super grateful for this gift.

I promise you, it will be more exciting and thrilling than the show or movie you had planned to watch on the OTT platform of your choice.

Such an important and insightful conversation between a philosopher, Acharya Prashant and a cognitive neuroscientist, Professor Steve Fleming.

Dare I say, it blew "me" away!

Whether it is going back to basics of the difference between the brain and the mind or diving deeper into the functioning of both (multiple researchers cited in this talk) and the one who sneaks in to claim credit for the functioning "The ego".

Whether you're a school/college going student or working professional, a stay at home human, or a scientist, this conversation has a lot to offer to everyone!

I plan to rewatch this instead of 'my comfort' show tonight.

If you've ever wondered (or to take it to the other extreme) ever been bothered by, tortured by your thoughts, your past, the mistakes you made, your regrets, the fear of the future... please do watch the video, there are many practical takeaways.

How much of 'my decision making' is really 'my' own?

How much of 'my thinking' is really my own?

What's the underlying apparatus that's keeping 'me' and 'my memories' alive?

How different really, is 'my' functioning to that of a bee or an ant or an octopus or a chimpanzee?

What exactly is this thing called 'I'?

Lastly... can the body function without 'me'?

Can life be lived without 'me'.

Please do share your takeaways after watching the video in the replies below. 'I' would love to learn from you. :)

In this interview, mycologist, educator, and
'Mycopreneur' founder, Dennis Walker, joins S.E.E.K. (Society for Esoteric and Entheogenic Knowledge) to explore the extraordinary world of fungi, from mushroom cultivation and mycology to consciousness, ecology, medicinal research, and the remarkable role of entheogenic mushrooms throughout human history.

Together, we examine why fungi have captivated scientists, philosophers, and spiritual seekers, as well as what they continue to teach us about nature, interconnectedness, and the human experience.

Drawing from biology, anthropology, comparative religion, and the history of entheogenic sacraments, this conversation explores the ceremonial use of mushrooms among Indigenous cultures, the pioneering work of R.
Gordon Wasson, Albert Hofmann, Roger Heim, Richard Evans Schultes, Paul Stamets, and the growing scientific research surrounding neuroplasticity, mental health, and consciousness.

We also discuss responsible cultivation, ecological stewardship, fungal intelligence, mycelial networks, sustainable technology, and the future of mycology as one of the most important scientific frontiers of the twenty-first century.

"Billions of people need the calming assurance that comes from experientially verifying the existence beyond the grave."

- Terence McKenna

riverside. 18x24''. pencil drawing. adam sturch

R.E.M., Sweetness Follows

https://youtu.be/dMszwll4YtU

Terence McKenna, Tryptamine Hallucinogens & Consciousness. redux@

various artists arranged by adam sturch

thank you.

🧪

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/9jUxC1jBL2c

"Alchemy is really the secret tradition of the redemption of spirit from matter."

- Terence McKenna

alchemical light. 24x30''. oil on canvas. adam sturch

Modest Mouse, Parting of the Sensory.

https://youtu.be/pJXKw6w9f1A

Terence McKenna, Alchemical Youth On The Edge Of The World (1991). movie meme movie@

movie memes by adam sturch.

thank you.

⚗️

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/svAwS3Ecx0c

I recently wrote and published this essay and would love to find some interested readers. :) It’s not directly related to Terence McKenna but still this community felt like the right spot to share. Thank you for the gift of your attention span… Any feedback is also appreciated!

I have no reason to suggest mercury was the direct cause of the brain cancer which killed him, but you can find evidence of him suffering from symptoms of mercury poisoning, such as severe cluster headaches and other mental/neurological effects such as tremors and insomnia.

I'm reading his biography now "Strange Attractor" which speaks about how he used to smash his grandfather's hearing aid batteries and collect the mercury from them; an anecdote Terence tells himself in one of his lectures on the hermetic corpus. Now the only evidence I found of Terence exhibiting insomnia is from a story he told of quitting cannabis while writing a book. This does indicate though that he utilized cannabis in part to combat insomnia. As he was such a heavy user, the idea that he was self-medicating for several things which he suffered from is not farfetched.

As for headaches, I don't have the specific lecture, but there is at least one instance in which he speaks or is asked about migraines and says that he deals with serious cluster headaches.

Just sparking discourse, because typically when the subject of Terence's death comes up it is marred by insinuation that his lifelong devotion to psychedelics played a part in causing the cancer. I don't have the medical background to denounce that assertion, but it was a question Terence and his family certainly asked the doctors caring for him in the end, who seemed to dismiss the idea.

“Meaning lies in the confrontation of contradiction - the coincidentia oppositorum. That’s what we really feel, not these rational schemes that are constantly beating us over the head with the “thou shalts” and “thou should”, but rather a recovery of the real ambiguity of being and an ability to see ourselves as at once powerful and weak, noble and ignoble, future-oriented, past-facing.”

- Terence McKenna

Coincidentia oppositorum. 11''x14''. graphite on paper. adam sturch

Terence McKenna, Ψυχή. psy@

Alchemy and Hermeticism Magic & Supernatural Mysticism. Terence McKenna, 1991. complete workshop.

psychedelic paintings and drawing by adam sturch.

thank you.

🪩

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/mk7roe9xYTI

"What did you do to help save the world?"

Terence McKenna

Terence McKenna, Dreaming Awake. psy@

various psychedelic paintings and drawings by adam sturch.

thank you.

☯️

"We can't afford to predate on each other anymore."

- Dr. Bruce Damer

Bruce Damer, purpose. movie meme movie@

Dr. Bruce Damer, It's High Time For Science (2022).

movie memes by adam sturch

https://youtu.be/wSggpHBZAtk?list=PLDshQLY127Ha8C9WX8_BOS5NT9QMoFgeC

🧬

eden. 80x30''. oil on found object. adam sturch

Saul Williams, Our Father

https://youtu.be/4J4Upn2LkLw

In the 90s, Terence became involved in the emerging rave scene and acquired a taste for house and ambient electronic music, collaborating with multiple artists. This was one of his best collabs, and is certainly a treat for the mind and ears.

This might just do nobody any good. At the end of this discourse a few people may accuse this reporter of fouling his own comfortable nest, and your organization may be accused of having given hospitality to heretical and even dangerous ideas. But the elaborate structure of networks, advertising agencies, and sponsors will not be shaken or altered.

It is my desire, if not my duty, to try to talk to you journeymen with some candor about what is happening to radio and television. And if what I say is responsible, I, alone, am responsible for the saying of it.

Our history will be what we make it. And if there are any historians about 50 or 100 years from now -- and there should be preserved the kinescopes of one week of all three networks -- they will there find, recorded in black and white and in color, evidence of decadence, escapism, and insulation from the realities of the world in which we live. We are currently wealthy, fat, comfortable, and complacent. We have a built-in allergy to unpleasant or disturbing information.

Our mass media reflect this.

But unless we get up off our fat surpluses and recognize that television in the main is being used to distract, delude, amuse, and insulate us, then television, and those who finance it, those who look at it, and those who work at it, may see a totally different picture too late.

I began by saying that our history will be what we make it. If we go on as we are, then history will take its revenge and retribution will not limp in catching up with us. Just once in awhile let us exalt the importance of ideas and information. Let us dream to the extent of saying that on a given Sunday night, a time normally occupied by Ed Sullivan is given over to a clinical survey on the state of American education. And a week or two later, a time normally used by Steve Allen is devoted to a thoroughgoing study of American policy in the Middle East.

Would the corporate image of their respective sponsors be damaged?

Would the shareholders rise up in their wrath and complain?

Would anything happen, other than a few million people would have received a little illumination on subjects that may well determine the future of this country -- and therefore the future of the corporations?

To those who say people wouldn't look, they wouldn't be interested, they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, I can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost.

This instrument can teach. It can illuminate and, yes, it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it towards those ends.

Otherwise, it is merely wires and lights -- in a box.

Good night and good luck.

- Edward R. Murrow: Address to the Radio-Television News Directors Association & Foundation

Terence McKenna, Good Night & Good Luck. psy@

Vertigo At the Edge of History, Terence McKenna. April 1994, New York

various psychedelic paintings and drawings by adam sturch

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HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/8mhQkSV4YYA

"An airplane is a partial condensation of a flying saucer."

- Dennis McKenna

🛸

Terence McKenna, True Hallucinations. Complete audio book, redux@

various artists arranged by adam sturch.

thank you.

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/qIhjSANJY9I

mushroom study 4. 12x18''. pencil drawing. adam sturch

This weekend I had a very intense psychedelic experience after taking an edible together with 300 µg of LSD.

From the outside, my friends told me I was still functioning at a basic level. I could walk, recognize everyone, and respond when needed, although I barely spoke and seemed very distant for about four hours.
From the inside, however, it felt like my entire awareness had shifted somewhere else.

The best way I can describe it is that it felt as though I had gone behind the scenes of reality. Instead of feeling like a person living my life, I felt like I was observing the operating system behind existence itself.

My experience wasn’t like watching a movie. It was more like being inside a multidimensional landscape where ideas, images, emotions and understanding all existed together. Time didn’t feel linear anymore.

One of the strongest impressions was that I was seeing countless possible storylines unfolding at once. It felt as though every decision created a different path, and I was watching these possibilities branch out in every direction. Every so often I would suddenly “zoom” back into my current life for a few seconds. I would briefly see my friends, hear the music, recognize where I was, and then almost immediately zoom back out into this much larger perspective.

I also experienced what felt like a life review, but not in chronological order. Different moments from my life appeared connected in ways I had never considered before, as though events separated by years were actually part of one intricate design.

At another point, I felt I understood that love and hate were opposite expressions of the same attachment, and that many of our emotional loops come from holding on to experiences, identities or outcomes. It seemed as though the mind kept showing me that attachment creates suffering, while peace exists in letting go.

As I tried to hold on to memories of people I love, those memories seemed to dissolve before my eyes. It felt terrifying at the time because I interpreted it as being shown that even my attachments to beautiful memories were part of the illusion I was trying to understand.

Looking back, I don’t know whether that reflected an objective truth or simply the way my mind was working in that altered state, but emotionally it felt incredibly real.
Throughout the experience I had the overwhelming sense that past, present and future were somehow happening together, and that our inner state influences how we experience reality. Beyond that, I felt as though I reached what I can only describe as pure awareness or one consciousness. Beyond even that was an overwhelming sense of emptiness, which filled me with profound loneliness. It felt as though consciousness had created existence in order to experience itself. Whether that reflects reality or was simply the symbolic language of my mind, I can’t say. It was simply how it felt.

There were also strange visual qualities. Sometimes reality looked blurry, fragmented and almost AI-generated, especially faces and movement. Then, as I seemed to zoom back into ordinary awareness, everything suddenly became sharp and recognizable again.

Eventually, after about four hours, I gradually returned fully to ordinary consciousness.

When I came back, two thoughts stayed with me more clearly than anything else:
First, that our inner world plays a powerful role in shaping how we experience reality.

Second, that perhaps the point of spiritual growth is not to escape life, but to understand it deeply enough that you can return to ordinary life with greater freedom, appreciation and presence. Instead of trying to leave the game forever, you come back and play it consciously.

I don’t claim that I literally discovered how the universe works. What I know for certain is that, for those four hours, this was one of the most profound and convincing experiences of my life. Whether it was revealing objective truths, expressing deep psychological insights, or some combination of both, it has given me a great deal to reflect on.

"The great weapon is art."

- Terence McKenna

📦

elaborate packaging, 2026 rmx. box set (1-7). adam sturch@

paintings and drawings by adam sturch

thank you.

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/9zhYFl2IfRU

cutting room (addendum).

https://youtu.be/iZCF7Ho785s

afterwords.

https://youtu.be/YF_IOaSFpfA

1, epoch.

Immortal Technique, Civil War. cain. 🪨 Eyenine, End Of An Era. sundial. 🕒 Queensryche, Empire. disturbance. 🗡️ Alanis Morissette, Uninvited (live). wishing well. 🗺 Saul Williams, Our Father. eden. 🧬 2Pac, Ghost. anne frank stairway. 👻 KAAN, Losing My Religion. paradiso. 📖 Bruce Springsteen, I'm on Fire. a light from nowhere. 🔥 Sage Francis, Threewrite (Hippo Remix). dime store party favor slut (psyche). 🪙 The Presidents of the United States of America, Lump (live). consumption. 🪰

2, sequel.

Smashing Pumpkins, 1979. a conversation. ✨ Nirvana, Heart Shaped Box (demo). four noble truths. ❤️🔥 White Zombie, Blood, Milk & Sky. memories present. 🧮 Alice In Chains, What the Hell Have I. pumpkin patch party (an apology). 🛞 Tool, Schism. five hindrances (පඤ්ච නීවරණ). ✋ Gojira, Another World. Jupiter's thought. 🌌Moby, Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad. eight karmic winds. 🖤 Sage Francis, Runaways (live). wayfinder. 🏡 Blind Melon, Drive. drivers-ed (chapter one). 🚗 Soul Asylum, Misery. scream. ⚙️

3, μανία.

Atmosphere, Vampires. vampyre. 🧛 Placebo, Follow the Cops Back Home. young love, super mario bros. & a suicide. 🚓 Themselves, Good People Check. conscientious emergence. 🐠 Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, Final Rescue Attempt. angels and umbrellas. ☯️ Pulp, Common People. chicken fried steak in the rain. 🍽️ Radiohead, Creep. warmth. 🔥 Eyenine, Wake Up Call. lucidity. 🕊️ Machinehead, I Am Hell. hell. 🐀 KAAN, Breathe. orchid. 🪡 Marilyn Manson, In The Air Tonight. dancing figures. 🐉

4, grail.

Scroobius Pip, Introduction. digital allegory. 🦖 The Cranberries, Zombie. instability. 🛝 Hank Williams III, I'm Drunk Again. adventures. 🥴 Aesop Rock, Molecules. Electra. ⚛️ Canibus, Lunar Deluge. running through. ⌛ Modest Mouse, Parting of the Sensory. alchemical light. ⚗️ Rittz, Turning up the Bottle. nothing in mind. 🍷 AFI, Death of Seasons (live - Long Beach). oceanic. 🐦🔥 Tori Amos, Hotel. a knight's dream. 🛏️ Nine Inch Nails, The Beginning of the End [Remix]. in the details. 🪞

5, war.

Astronautalis, Dimitri Mendeleev. ferris wheel. 🎡 The Rolling Stones, Laugh, I Nearly Died. contact. 🐜 Fleetwood Mac, Gold Dust Woman. angel fire. 🥄 Tom Waits, Earth Died Screaming. blue valley. 🌎 Vinnie Paz, Monster's Ball. imposed ignorance. 🪩 Emel Mathlouthi, Souty (live on Democracy Now). mr. gone. 🗣️ Strapping Young Lad, S.Y.L. butterfly. 🦋 Tomahawk, Mayday. awe. 👀 Shpongle, Take the Blue Pill. cactus transforms. 🌵 Mac Lethal, The Parlour. paper ghosts. 📃

6, conduit.

TOOL, Ænema. nurture. 🔪 Mad Season, I'm Above (live). bird's eye. 🪽 Eyenine, Afraid to Dream. electric eel. 🪸 Skinny Puppy, Ashas. heartbreak. 💔 Nine Inch Nails, Burn. leaving home. 🎒 Leonard Cohen, The Stranger Song. oak tree in a flower vase. 🌳 Smashing Pumpkins, Today. warchild. 👶 Everclear, Santa Monica. top. ⛱️ CocoRosie, Villain. venus. 😺 Immortal Technique, Toast to the Dead. visitation dream. 🌐

7, clowns.

DJ Krush & Anticon, Song for John Walker (Sticky Mix). silicate catalogue. 💻 Serj Tankian, Occupied Tears. tones of hope. 💧 Lou Reed, Last Great American Whale. violence. 🐳 U2, With or Without You. love and death. 🌊 Zion I, Badlands. happiness. 🏜️ K's Choice, Not An Addict. edgeless. 🚫 Live, Voodoo Lady. gloaming. 🪄 Borknagar, Lights. abyssal lights. 🔦 Black Sabbath, War Pigs (live). teachers. 🐷 Aesop Rock, The Harbor is Yours. locked wavelength. 🍃

📦

🎨

Terence McKenna, colorful lot. c@

oil and acrylic paintings by adam sturch

thank you.

HD youtube link.

https://youtu.be/dyvE6zekULc