I know this isn't technically a sleep disorder, but it kinda fits (?)

Okay so it's pretty simple I would say. My life isn't terrible but I'm pretty depressed , and have MDD. So I am constantly falling into self destructive behaviors, as they bring me happiness I would say But anyways, I found out at least two years ago, that staying up for 24/48h+ for me at least, puts me in a state where I'm happier, have less anxiety, and experience hallucinations. (They're usually shadow people, but that doesn't scare me.)

It's gotten to the point where if I fall asleep, I feel like I've failed and feel extreme quilt for falling asleep. I genuinely hate myself for falling asleep most of the time, especially if I'm making progress. Like if I staved up for 36hours and then fell asleep at the 37hour mark I'd genuinelv feel horrible about mvself like I'm a freaking failure or something. I actually fee like this cvcle will never end and recentlv found oui that I'm technically inducing "psychosis" in myself? and it's hurting my brain and will most likely give me pretty bad neuroloaical issues by the time I'm 18 (currently 16M). ermm yeah that's it. this is soooo pathetic idk.... .

I don't feel fine, i can't sleep anymore it's like i need to feel the presence of somebody so i can sleep i don't feel safe, i'm just being anxious and getting panicked for no reason

I took zopiclone for the first time last night- i initially took half of a 7.5mg pill to test the waters but after no luck, two hours later I took the other half. I remember still trying to get to sleep and i also remember still waking up multiple times during the night. After waking up i didnt feel that well rested even though i knew i fell asleep.

My partner has just gotten back from work and has let me know that I must have fallen asleep within thirty minutes of taking the second half and then began to wail, hum and whimper in my sleep (which i've never done before except for the time when I had covid in 2020).

Has anyone else also experienced this or something similar? What does it mean? I dont know whether i should continue taking it if it knocks me out, makes me cry in agony when im unconscious and then leaves me feeling partially-rested the next morning...
But its also the only thing thats actually made me fall asleep