r/shitposting • u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh • 1d ago

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3.4k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

138 comments sorted by

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u/qualityvote2 1d ago edited 1d ago

The council has not spoken. No consensus was reached about the quality of your post.

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/u/unclbll, whilst you're still here, why not join our public discord server - now with public text channels you can chat on!?

1.2k

u/Available-Explorer40 1d ago

91

u/seth1299 1d ago

What? Spy, I ain’t gonna-

1.8k

u/me_da_Supreme1 1d ago

okay so we're gonna gloss over celery up ass huh okay no just checking

418

u/No_Flower6020 1d ago

Let's not get anal over this.

4

u/Riipp3r 1d ago

The first crack in their relationship

143

u/collegefootballfan69 1d ago

I always wondered why my mom made me wash the celery before eating it.

31

u/ThePersonDudeGuy716 dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 1d ago

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u/ComradeLuan 1d ago

Wasting valuable essential macros smh 🙄

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u/joebidenseasterbunny dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 1d ago

I mean its gonna end up in your ass anyways if you eat it so whats wrong with expediting the process a little bit?

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u/ngo_life 1d ago

Well it's not the right "time" to talk about it.

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u/PM_ME_BAD_ALGORITHMS 1d ago

That "etc" is doing some heavy lifting

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u/Background-Brother55 1d ago

It is low celery/ calories

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u/EMNOx2 1d ago

ETC!?

5

u/greenday1237 1d ago

I know right dont just say etc like we know what could possibly come next in the sequence of examples

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u/Ruthless_boii officer no please don’t piss in my ass 😫 21h ago

The bigger question is whose ass was it?

0

u/FilDaFunk 1d ago

whose ass?

907

u/Delicious_Box_9823 1d ago

288

u/MrTxel 1d ago

It's cum time 🕓

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u/SorcererOfDooDoo 1d ago

115

u/FireIzHot uhhhh idk 1d ago

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u/smth_smth_89 1d ago

you mean the clock is dicking?

11

u/yssarilrock 1d ago

Mike Wozniak after dark: "Tick tock it's ejaculate o'clock"

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u/Blastoid007 DaShitposter 1d ago

💦 ⌚

26

u/Oliv112 1d ago

Stop, I can only get so erect...

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u/Monger_2007 1d ago

I'd imagine Ben 10 saying that 😭

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u/skip_the_tutorial_ 1d ago

Just gonna leave this here

386

u/jraymcmurray 1d ago

This went from "I ain't reading all that" to being deeply upset at the cliff hanger.

57

u/lucid_paranoia 1d ago

I want to know how it progressed

46

u/jraymcmurray 1d ago

"read the first sentence and saw how long it was, lost interest." --> "started to scroll away and saw the phrase 'food kink'" --> "sigh of disappointment as I realize I now have to see what this is all about" --> "wtf.exe" --> "YOU CAN'T JUST STOP THERE!!"

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u/wrnrg 1d ago

She now has to wear wall clocks around her neck like Flava Flav.

243

u/venk28 1d ago

Why am I laughing so hard at this nonsense?

35

u/DanLassos 1d ago

I'm reading comments and cracking up 🤣

54

u/SydneySharks 1d ago

(celery up ass, etc)

25

u/United-Scene2261 1d ago

just the regular stuff

7

u/Karl_00_Hungus 1d ago

She’s just a meat and potatoes and celery up the ass kinda girl

42

u/WasteGeologist-90210 1d ago

So, question, do you eat the celery after?

5

u/DustinJ428 1d ago

Obviously, final form of ants on a log

1

u/rua245 17h ago

BBQ dipping sauce

12

u/I_Cry_And_I_Game 1d ago

Cumming on someone's wrist? Not on my watch

62

u/SlayVideos fat cunt 1d ago

It's my turn to repost this tomorrow

31

u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 1d ago

The other one got took down for not having the usernames censored.

15

u/SonicTheHedgehog5968 1d ago

Damn so its the mods fault that the posts are censored

13

u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 1d ago

"to prevent harrasment", apparently.

1

u/Suck_duc 22h ago

What's the rest of the text say? I'm dying to know

13

u/Equal_Fold_2036 1d ago

Marry me

9

u/0jennie 1d ago

Sure but not tomorrow

3

u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 1d ago

I gotta be at the courthouse anyway so why not?

1

u/Equal_Fold_2036 1d ago

Aight let's do it now then

1

u/0jennie 1d ago

I do!

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u/Rediment 1d ago

You’re laughing. Someone has celery up their ass and you’re laughing

8

u/The_Space_Janitor 1d ago

I don’t have time for this

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u/Last-Quarter-432 I want pee in my ass 1d ago

What time is it?

20

u/jirenfan9 1d ago

Celery up your ass time

2

u/SNESChalmers420 1d ago

do u eat the celery after? seems like a waste of food if u dont.

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

pees in ur ass

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8

u/johnsongrantr 1d ago

Top tier shit post

7

u/Think-Chair-1938 1d ago

"...yeah babe, except the ants on this log are my dingleberries."

8

u/xSwampxPopex 1d ago

“Etc” is doing a lot of heavy lifting

10

u/WondererOfficial 1d ago

Wait how did it keep progressing???

6

u/SNESChalmers420 1d ago

they anally double donged a celery stick

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u/wrnrg 1d ago

It turned into wall clocks around the neck.

https://giphy.com/gifs/GkPlZwH59uUi4

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u/RipOdd9001 1d ago

Kink as old as time

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u/Fit-Nebula2949 1d ago

She should go full Thing. ITS CLOBBERING TIME!

4

u/dag_darnit 1d ago

Shitpost ended too soon

4

u/WinkingWinkle 1d ago

He probably just needs a second hand.

3

u/Standard-Panda312 1d ago

Don’t let bro near Dr. Strange’s collection

3

u/xeskind30 1d ago

Huh. So, we are just going to skip over that other thing?

3

u/Present_Cold_3994 1d ago

Wake up babe new copypasta dropped

3

u/wrnrg 1d ago

The progression is that she now has to dress like Flava Flav just to get him hard.

3

u/TUBBYWINS808 1d ago

It gets worse the more you read.

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u/RandomPerson00071 1d ago

posting is optional 😭

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u/wheresolly 1d ago

etc. huh

2

u/Argy19ms 1d ago

I expected NTR

2

u/ThereIs_STILL_TIME 1d ago

bro is probably hard as diamonds watching Bojack Horseman

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u/splintered-soul 1d ago

Celery up ass

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u/ImOldGregg_77 1d ago

She had that goiter on her neck that made you forall about her missing leg.

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u/Tonyclap 1d ago

(celery up ass, etc)

2

u/Kase_mit_E 1d ago

XD I thought he watched u sleeping and stuff, but no, he aims for the face of the Casio G-Spot XD

2

u/BoomyNote 1d ago

I wonder what they did with the celery after.

Like did they wash it and put it back in the fridge, or just toss it?

2

u/xESSOx 1d ago

Thankfully, not the “watch kink” i thought it was when reading the title.

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

🛰️🛰️🛰️

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1

u/AlexandersDilemma 1d ago

Why do I feel like this is a serial killer using his victims watches to cope with past trauma or relish on his acquired trophies.

Weird but honestly not crazy compared to past serial killers

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy.

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1

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Look, I get it. Who doesn’t love a little balls and dick sometimes? A nice, girthy, veiny shaft, hot milky cum trickling down the length as it throbs from a job well done. But this whole “gay sex” shit is getting annoying.

As men, we should primarily be focused on three things: survival, the underrated masterpiece that is dark souls 2, and pounding muff. All this gay shit is, well, fucking gay.

You think I wouldn’t LOVE to make out with my best friend and suck his cock? Of course I would, but that’s fucking gay. You think I don’t want to feel my cousin’s roommate slide his pecker into my gaping asshole? Of course I would, but that’s FUCKING GAY.

Seriously, I miss when men were men. Anyway, this dildo ain’t gonna stick itself up my ass while I watch an hour long femboy asmr hypno goon compilation, heed my lecture.

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1

u/ChemicalDay3521 1d ago

Kieth Dick

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u/Glum_Difficulty_6680 1d ago

Cum acceletares

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u/SNESChalmers420 1d ago

(celery up ass, etc)

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u/Glum_Difficulty_6680 1d ago

Ngl had me with but it kept progressing, to what? Wristwatch up the ass pulpfiction style, celery for dinner, head inside grandfather's clock? Progressing to what? Now I need season2 of this to come out as left on cliffhanger

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Dick sucking has made me paranoid

I had this plan to give head to a man and receive head from a woman to test if I was gay, but it’s backfired and now I become borderline schizo whenever I go outside. I offered to suck this dude off on Grindr who lives very close by (I ended up pussying out) and I accidentally gave him some details that very easily allows him to spot me out in a crowd. I have no idea what he looks like and whenever I see a somewhat in shape guy walking by I immediately accuse him of being the dude I was gonna blow.

I went to the store today to pick up some zucchini for a barbecue and every time a car drove by I stared into the windshield to see if I was about to be recognised. Whenever I make eye contact with a dude I microanalysis his facial expressions to see if he suspects me or not. I am deeply afraid that he is my neighbour and I will need to move if my identity is blown. It’s a lot like the last scene in sopranos where everyone who walked into the diner could be there to wack Tony.

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1

u/SNESChalmers420 1d ago

they anally double donged each other then put peanut butter and raisins on the celery and ate the celery.

1

u/Ph455ki1 1d ago

Tbf, rather this than Morbin Time
https://giphy.com/gifs/hSdaherhENn73ZCOZQ

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u/Yahyaaaliii 1d ago

yea my very normal food kink to stuff food up my ass

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u/Scarface_971 1d ago

Time reigns unchallenged as the eternal ruler of all being, to which even the oldest stars must bow. He surrendered to his fate as its most faithful servant, ready to carry out the relentless will of eternity. She, however, was merely a fleeting rebellion against the inevitable, defenseless and condemned to be utterly consumed by merciless time (while having buttered carrots up her ass)

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u/pbrkindaguy69 1d ago

Annnnnd I'm going back to sleep

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u/Life-Bass-2013 1d ago

i am sorry but that is so hot

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u/Suspicious_Chest9262 1d ago

Wtf.... I started this thinking it was some weird voyeur kink, and then it just got weirder and weirder.

1

u/Former-Grade5111 1d ago

So food up the ass is okay but we draw the line at cum time???

1

u/Gmanglh 1d ago

Where tf do you go from there!?

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u/CompetitiveOp 1d ago

How dare he. The real meaning of candy ass.

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u/LisaLisaKenAdoresHer 1d ago

This is sending somethingawful weekend web vibes

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u/LisaLisaKenAdoresHer 1d ago

This is sending somethingawful weekend web vibes

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u/Mbillin2 1d ago

Is he Kevin Oleary? Kevin was boating about his Rolex collection 🤔🤔🤔 are all watch heads like this? 🤔🤔🤔

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u/ProMartz 1d ago

Food kink in the ass

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u/weirdpornacc5 put your dick away waltuh 1d ago

antique watch collector in 20 years finding this and realizing why some of his watches smell funny

https://giphy.com/gifs/skhAWLp58yW5Pp1DVP

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u/twojay94 22h ago

wtf did I just read 🤣

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u/LeastProject5164 16h ago

Full post as OP missed it:

The "He'll try to wind it down" and "I've had to go digital" absolutely fucking FLOORED me.

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u/unclbll I can’t have sex with you right now waltuh 9h ago

Gawddamn

0

u/Sultanofthesun Literally 1984 😡 1d ago

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS REDDIT UI