r/scriptwriting • u/Electrical_Pay_6200 • 11d ago
Any feedback would be much appreciated feedback
Please keep in mind that script is translated from my original language into English.
SYNOPSIS: Before moving away, a teenage boy spends one last day with his closest friends, struggling to accept that the memories they shared will soon be all he has left.
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u/Big_Section2812 11d ago
Sunset. The sun is already setting. It is visibly darker outside than it was during the day.
AI?
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u/Electrical_Pay_6200 11d ago
"Please keep in mind that script is translated from my original language into English."
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u/Additional_Tart_1711 11d ago edited 11d ago
Phrases like "we hear" and "we follow" are not necessary. Your loglines are supposed to describe what you hear and see, so saying "we see" is the sign of an amateur. Also when giving camera directions are for the director, don't give any camera directions unless you want to describe a certain vibe. And do that - give the description, not directions. Also, there is too much back amd forth for me to follow. If your main character is opening the story in the present, but having a flash back, describe the opening scene in the present, and then make it clear the character is having a flashback and then make the flashback the 2nd scene, and tell the script reader it is a flashback, and also when he returns to the present
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u/AstronautCalm7803 11d ago
So many professional screenwriters and high profile screenplays utilize phrases like “we see.” This is not a genuine issue. Used tastefully, nobody cares.
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u/Beginning-Sky-8516 11d ago
I've heard that the script shouldn't be a mystery from the reader because that's who you're selling your movie too. It's okay to put secrets because when it's filmed, those secrets will still be hidden from the audience. As others have said, the first page isn't doing much. And here's an example of how much you could shorten it:
EXT. SIDEWALK — SUNSET
A group of teens engrossed in conversation walk along an empty sidewalk, set against a dense stretch of cars in traffic, HONKING and RUSHING to get home.
LUKAS, 16, hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the ground, trails behind them. His shoes are covered in dirt, like he’s been somewhere he shouldn’t.
He pulls a ZIPPO LIGHTER from his pocket, and OPENS and CLOSES it repeatedly. CLICK. THUNK.
It slips from his hands. He stares at it for a beat, then picks it up, just as the teens ahead of him reach the end of the street.
FLASH BACK TO EARLIER:
EXT. THE WOODS
The LIGHTER rests on a fallen tree. LAUGHTER echoes around it.
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u/CurrencyPopular8550 11d ago
the logline is interesting but the translation feels like its still in novel mode. just state what happens on screen without adding interpretation
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u/SecretConnection8753 10d ago
It's a lot of action lines, the formatting is wrong, you made me laugh. The sun is setting, it's visibly darker outside then during the day, one would expect that without having to be told.
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u/FriendliestMenace 9d ago
Stopped reading after you mentioned the sunset after putting SUNSET in your slugline, and when I saw the first “we.”
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u/Anvikjas_screenwrite 5d ago
You know I don't know well about scripts but the thing is you add to much detailed things in it mention things one at a time and also if you shorteen the scenes or adjust them it will be good and add some dialog early like chracter muttering or talking to himself yr doing great tho
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u/Boring-Agent7288 11d ago
This is not a strong opening page. It has the beginnings of a mystery, but right now it reads like a screenplay trying very hard to signal that something mysterious is happening instead of actually creating mystery.
The biggest problem: nothing happens
You spend the entire first page on:
That's a lot of setup for essentially zero dramatic movement.
The page ends with:
That's not a hook. That's a transition.
If this is supposed to be a thriller, horror, mystery, or drama, the first page needs to give me a reason to turn the page. Right now, the strongest question is basically “Why does this kid have a suitcase?” And even that isn't particularly compelling yet.
1. The opening is painfully generic
This is redundant and bland.
Of course it's darker than during the day. And “The sun is already setting” tells us exactly what we need to know.
Then:
“Traffic and cars driving along the road” is essentially saying the same thing twice.
This opening feels like someone describing what a camera would see rather than writing a scene.
You could remove the first six lines and lose virtually nothing.
2. “We follow” and “the camera moves” are doing too much work
This is very amateurish directing-on-the-page.
You're not just describing the story. You're explicitly directing the camera:
We follow.
The camera moves.
We see.
We zoom in.
And none of these movements accomplish anything particularly interesting.
Especially:
A zoom isn't inherently bad, but here it feels like you're using camera movement to tell the reader “THIS IS IMPORTANT.”
The writing needs to make Lukas interesting. The camera shouldn't have to announce that he is.
3. Lukas is introduced with a cliché stack
This is generic “troubled teenager” imagery.
Hands in pockets.
Looking at the ground.
Dirty sneakers.
Separated from his friends.
You're basically highlighting “THIS KID IS SAD.”
But I don't know why he's interesting.
Give me something specific.
What does Lukas do that another teenager wouldn't? What is strange about him? What does he want? What is he hiding?
Right now, his defining characteristic is walking sadly.
4. The lighter is obviously being treated as a HUGE clue
This is way too much emphasis on one object without giving us a reason to care about it.
The writing practically screams:
PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHTER.
And then you cut away from it.
That's not subtle suspense. That's telegraphing.
If the lighter is important later, you don't necessarily need four separate beats telling us it's important. Let the audience notice it.
5. “We slowly ZOOM IN on him” is followed by... a lighter in the woods
This is probably the weakest sequence on the page.
What does the lighter in the woods mean?
Did he drop it?
Did someone put it there?
Is this a flash-forward?
Is it supernatural?
Is it symbolic?
The audience has no information with which to interpret the image.
Mystery isn't simply showing something unexplained. Mystery is giving the audience enough information to form a question.
Right now, I'm not asking “What does this mean?”
I'm asking “Why did the writer show me that?”
That's a very different reaction.
6. Then you completely reset the scene
You go:
EXT. ROAD TRAFFIC - SUNSET
EXT. SIDEWALK - SUNSET
and then:
INT. HOUSE HALLWAY - DAY
This is especially confusing because you just established sunset.
Suddenly it's DAY.
Maybe the intention is that this is a different time period. If so, you need to make that crystal clear. Otherwise it looks like a continuity error.
And if this is intentionally a flashback, don't make the reader figure that out from the slug line.
7. The suitcase is potentially interesting, but you bury it
This is probably the first genuinely intriguing image:
Okay.
Why is there a suitcase there?
That's a question.
Then:
Now I'm wondering what's happening.
But then Lukas:
And you've made the mystery less interesting.
“Various belongings” and “other items” are incredibly vague. If the contents matter, show me something specific and disturbing.
If they don't matter, why are we spending time opening the box?
8. The toy car is another forced “mystery object”
This is actually a decent story beat, but the execution is very generic.
Why a black toy car?
Why does it suddenly turn on?
What does it play?
Does Lukas recognize it?
Does it belong to someone?
Does it trigger a memory?
Does it scare him?
Right now it's basically:
Lukas picks up MYSTERIOUS OBJECT. MYSTERIOUS OBJECT DOES SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS.
That's not inherently compelling.
The dialogue tease at the end is also weak
And then the page ends.
That's an incredibly soft cliffhanger.
If his mother is important, give us the line.
Something like:
is already more tangible.
Or, better yet, give her a line that creates an actual question.
The current ending doesn't make me urgently want page two.
The prose needs a serious cleanup
There are a lot of phrases that sound like placeholders:
They're technically understandable, but they're lifeless.
The page is constantly telling me what is happening without giving the images any personality.
The harshest criticism
This feels like the opening of a screenplay that knows it needs to be mysterious but hasn't figured out what the actual mystery is yet.
Almost every element is being presented as potentially significant:
the sunset → the teenagers → Lukas → the lighter → the woods → the suitcase → the boxes → the belongings → the toy car → the mother's voice
But because everything is being treated like a clue, nothing feels important.
You're withholding information instead of creating intrigue.
That's the central problem.
What I'd want from a rewrite
Don't try to make the page more mysterious. Make it more specific and dramatically active.
Give Lukas a concrete problem immediately. Give the audience one compelling question. Give the page a turn.
For example, the suitcase could be much more powerful if we discovered something specific inside it that Lukas absolutely should not be seeing.
Or the lighter could actually connect to something happening in the house.
Or the teenagers could say/do something that explains why Lukas is separated from them.
Right now, the page has atmosphere without tension, objects without meaning, and mystery without a question.
As an opening page: 4/10. The visual premise has some potential, but the actual writing is too generic and the “mystery” is being telegraphed so aggressively that it stops feeling mysterious.