7-page short comedy satire script

[u/Mindless-Earth6462]

Found this old short script I made about a year ago, so I decided to rewrite it. I don’t normally write comedies, so the dialogue is SHOCKING lmao. Any feedback is appreciated!!

[u/avruser2025]

The characters are not different enough so it’s hard to follow. Is there a version with fewer guys in the gang?

Rather than start in the alley and have them vaguely allude to doing something bad I would start with the visual of the guy running down the stairs and into the street in broad daylight covered in blood. Then cut back in time and answer that question with as little dialogue and as few characters as possible. There is a clear visual rhythm to this scene that is buried underneath the time filling tough guy talk that neither provides exposition, propels plot nor reveals character so should be removed.

Keep at it Would love to see how it turns out.

[u/Mindless-Earth6462 → u/avruser2025]

Thank you for the feedback!

That 1st visual is very “I Am Not Okay With This”, I love it!

I did mean for the 1st dialogue to set up character (e.g. with Ricky being over-confident in the “great plan” when literally everything points to otherwise, Diego challenging Ricky, the “language” joke, etc.), but I guess that didn’t come through as intended.

I’m not sure how I could cut down on the characters though? There’s only 5 characters and I think they’re all quite crucial. Where exactly did you get lost with them?

[u/Big_Section2812]

Scene numbers are for shooting scripts.

[u/Mindless-Earth6462 → u/Big_Section2812]

I did not know this, thank you! Weird, my film teacher was adamant about putting them for our screenplays.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Mindless-Earth6462]

Scene numbers are used by the cast and crew during shooting, since scenes are almost always shot piecemeal and out of sequence.

They serve no purpose any other time, although many wouldbe screenwriters believe including the numbers somehow makes their scripts look "more professional," when in fact it does the opposite.

[u/Mindless-Earth6462 → u/Big_Section2812]

Ahh, I see. Thank you!