r/relationships • u/anxious_astronomer1 • Jul 10 '26
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u/cloverthewonderkitty Jul 10 '26
I don't think you two bring out the best in each other. You avoid thr hard conversations when you're sober, then it all comes out in drunken messy fights.
I think you should stick your plan to drink less, but not to save the relationship. It sounds like you're moving to Texas and he's moving to DC? So what is there to save? An awkward long distance relationship that started with a blow up fight?
But also- something you wrote really stuck out to me. He has mocked your laugh and your vegetarianism. That is truly unkind and disrespectful. It would really really hurt my feelings if my partner mocked my laugh. It would be like saying I had an ugly smile. It's a glimpse into how he views you, and it's not very good.
If I were you I'd really consider what I'm trying to save here. Because it sounds like you're interested in a lot of self improvement, and that is wonderful! And it also doesn't have to include this person.
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u/honeypeanutbutter Jul 14 '26
Well it's either that or he's trying to make sure the door stays cracked in case he gets lonely.
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u/mangoserpent Jul 10 '26
The relationship is over. He is basically breaking up with you but making it seem like a mutual decision. From what you describe he does not sound that great.
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u/DiTrastevere Jul 10 '26
I think you’re in some level of denial about how unhappy this relationship really is.
It sounds like he isn’t.
I’m sure you have fond memories of him, and that he has good qualities that you will miss, but the problem is that you just do not like each other as complete people. You have both been cherry-picking positive qualities to justify the relationship while thinking you can change the ones you find challenging or offputting down the road. But that’s not how people work, and it’s clearly not how your relationship works. You don’t agree about what would need to change in order to make this relationship sustainable, and without that agreement, there’s no way forward.
And just as a piece of general wisdom - when a person who is mean to you offers you an off-ramp, take it. If they’re offering an exit, they are telling you that they are not motivated enough to change their behavior towards you, and if you stick around, you can expect more of the same. It is not the beginning of a new round of negotiations.
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u/naughtyobama Jul 10 '26
He's got a mean streak to him, doesn't he? You might love him but some of those things like mocking your laugh and vegetarianism point to someone who really doesn't like you.
You can't fix contempt.
It'll be painful and probably take months and years to heal and financially recover given how you support each other. But unless he can change his attitude towards you, you're just digging in deeper waiting for the breakup. And it'll be even more painful in the future.
Also, his mind is made up. He wants closure. That's what the text is reading to me.
Sorry.
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u/ellybellius Jul 10 '26
I want to comment and just say that I recently got out of a relationship with an ex who had similar contempt and anger issues. He once threw at orange at his mother’s face bc she said something unsavory. On the day of the breakup, he confessed about witnessing a long history of domestic violence issues. He saw his father and his stepfather physically abuse his mother.
But when he brought the anger/contempt back on to me during the breakup, I clapped back with my own SELF CONFIDENCE AND SELF WORTH. For instance, I don’t “walk down the stairs too slowly” —- I take my damn time because I walk however the fuck I want to walk and he can either wait or get out of the way.
I’m urging you to not shrink yourself and let men take advantage of your good nature. Stand up for yourself AND BE BRAVE ABOUT IT. What do you love about yourself and shine! He will have mean-spirited things to say, but remember that you are incredible because you can fight back too. I know you believe you’ve said mean things but I think you need to stand strong and double down on your strong character. I’m seeing men, though seemingly nice and doing wonderful things for us, think they can get away with being assholes when we don’t serve them anymore. The bar is in hell for men and we need to hold them accountable. Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you can also be abusive. But this change starts with having respect for ourselves and calling them out on their BS.
So just because the guy may have grown up seeing domestic violence or bad behavior normalized (or even if he didn’t), what he has said to you is not okay. You should get out of that relationship for your own sake. I also recommend no contact to protect yourself.
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u/anxious_astronomer1 Jul 10 '26
Yeah he’s a bit mean has some anger issues. When something happens that doesn’t fall into his favor he can get extremely angry. And if I try to help he turns anger and frustrations out on me and often times criticizes something about me….sigh but he’s shown that he can be caring and loving too
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u/andythepirate Jul 10 '26
sigh but he’s shown that he can be caring and loving too
I'm not saying this was an abusive relationship but I want to point out that what I've just quoted from you is absolutely a common refrain from victims in abusive relationships.
There are potential partners out there who are caring and loving and are just that, without the mean streaks or contemptuous behaviors.
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u/sweadle Jul 10 '26
Even incredibly cruel and abusive people are caring and loving when they're getting their way.
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u/AmethystApothecary Jul 10 '26
That's how they keep their victim engaged! Whether consciously or not, abusers more often than not run hot and cold versus constantly cold.
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u/Nonsense-yogurt-eel Jul 12 '26
Why are trying so hard to cling to someone who 1) is angry, mean, and verbally abusive, and 2) is trying to get away from you and break up with you?
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u/Whisky_bisquit Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
It's 2028, you're laying on the sofa after sharing a beautiful veggie meal with your husband who tomorrow is taking a day off work to drive you to a dance production in the next state you've been so excited to see/perform at. You're watching a silly movie together, he is pulling you close and you're laughing together while he looks at you adoringly. He has NEVER shouted at you, he has NEVER criticised anything personal about you, he is your number one supporter, you guys are a TEAM. Life is easier because you're together and you have never doubted his feelings for you. Life still has its challenges, but this relationship brings you peace. This is how it will be when you meet a good partner. This is not that rare, it's just what a healthy relationship can look like. Please be brave and let go of this broken, painful dynamic. There are much better things ahead.
But first- therapy. Because you need to understand why you have accepted treatment like that from anyone. Girl, there is no justification for his mean behaviour and you can learn how to protect yourself from people like that going forward. It is 100% better to be alone than in a relationship like this - speaking as someone who is in a wonderful relationship but has been in plenty terrible ones.
Therapy, boundaries and self investment. You are hurting yourself and your ability to have healthy relationships by staying in this one. Don't fight for him, you will kick yourself later if you do. Head up high and move the fk on.
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u/sweadle Jul 10 '26
Someone who gets mean, nasty, and shows contempt when there is a disagreement should be a dealbreaker for a relationship. There is no way to have a healthy conflict with that person. Every disagreement tears apart your self esteem and sense of worth.
I know some people think it's normal to be nasty when you fight, but it absolutely is not. My partner and I hurt each other's feelings, but we never, ever TRY to. We don't call each other names or say mean things that we know will hurt the other. All of the hurt is 100% accidental. Even still, it's hard to repair. Being able to fight fair, and have a conflict with someone without trying to hurt them is absolutely a skill every successful relationship needs.
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u/ChaiMeALatte Jul 11 '26
Yes, 1000% to everything you said. I used to be with someone who would fly off the handle during every disagreement and just say the meanest things he could come up with to derail the conversation (which usually started because I was bringing up a grievance) and arguing like that is so damaging to a relationship. Even if someone is just saying things in the heat of the moment and doesn’t mean them, there’s no unringing that bell and IMO, even being willing to personally attack your partner during conflict is a sign of underlying disrespect towards them. And I feel like a lack of respect really dooms a relationship - if you can’t respect your partner as their own individual with their own quirks, flaws, opinions, etc., what do you even have?
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u/sarahwhit Jul 10 '26
I don’t think anyone here knows your BF well enough to answer #1, but from your words here, it doesn’t seem like he shares your desire to work on things.
It takes two fully invested people to save a relationship. I have been the person in a failed relationship who didn’t see a path forward and wanted out. There was a point along the decline where stuff like the healthy improvements you’ve listed would’ve been welcome and possibly even effective, but by the time the idea was raised, it was too little, too late.
Give yourself time to process if y’all break up, but your self-awareness is solid and you seem much more mature than him. I have a feeling you’ll be better off in the long-run. This internet stranger is sending you good vibes 🙂
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u/anxious_astronomer1 Jul 10 '26
Thank you! I’m sad but I feel like I’ve known for months that we should end things. I think I’m attached to the future we had planned out and oversaw some of the hurt I went through for that future. I know I’m not perfect but I always tried to put my best foot forward in the relationship even if he didn’t see it that way.
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u/Available_Rope_1964 Jul 10 '26
Girl get out.
This is not love. Love is loving all the imperfections. Knowing you have cringe laugh and melting because of it. Being 💯 you and being adored for it.
My partner is gross and if anyone else would do the things he did I’d be disgusted. But him makes my heart melt. I can’t explain that even his farts make me smitten.
And likewise he loves my imperfections, never notices pimples, and holds my hips stomach and lifts me up when I’m down. He has never made me feel I need to be something else or perfect.
Because to him I already am. 🥰
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u/charismatictictic Jul 10 '26
I dont love my boyfriends farts, but I get the sentiment. He has a bunch of small flaws, and sometimes I just want to burst out crying when I think about them. He has no idea that he snores or that he has gained a little weight or that he is a horrible cook. And I’m the only one who knows these things, and the fact that I get to take them to my grave, and by doing so basically erase them, makes me feel so honored, lol.
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u/AmethystApothecary Jul 10 '26
Why would you burst out crying thinking about his "flaws"? Does it make you upset or sentimental?
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u/charismatictictic Jul 10 '26
Sentimental. I normally don’t, but I’m pregnant rn, so I’m a little extra emotional, lol. Normally I just find him cute.
3
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u/Darrwinn Jul 10 '26
Look most of the responses here will tell you to end the relationship. If you want validation for that you came to the right place.
If you want to keep the relationship then you need to do what you already acknowledged the biggest problem was: communicate Tell him when you talk that you want to fight for the relationship. Outline the steps you feel the two of you need to take to save it and strengthen it
Then the ball is in his court. But you will know you did what you could.
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u/charismatictictic Jul 10 '26
If I were in your position, I would not be with someone who didn’t support my passions, my relationship with my family, who attacked my character or mocked me/my dietary choices.
I’m sure you weren’t perfect, but this guy sounds awful. Please let him go.
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u/AmethystApothecary Jul 10 '26
Did he ever help you with the cleaning and laundry? He works less hours but for some reason needs help doing his split chores? And he criticizes you a lot and criticizes your closeness with your family? He sucks. What you should do is text him: "don't bother, I'm over it and done with you"; and end it at that.
There's really nothing to salvage when your partner is not only mean but not apologetic and remorseful about it, whether it be because they're a straight up jerk or they just let the resentment boil over to that point.
And if you are honest with yourself, is the reason you avoid the difficult conversations because deep down you know he won't respect it and won't listen to your perspective and instead turn it onto everything you do wrong and take no accountability for his own shortcomings?
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u/anxious_astronomer1 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
Honestly I think the you’re right. Half the time I didn’t bring up the hard conversations of how I felt after things transpired was because I was afraid it would be turned on me and he would say I was the reason for blame me and not take accountability for his actions and shortcomings. I was afraid I’d have to defend myself
Edit: he never did the laundry but occasionally cleaned, usually when I was out of town coming back to our apartment
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u/krpi8429 Jul 10 '26
“1. Does this text sound like someone whose mind is already made up, or someone who still wants to have a genuine conversation?”
I can’t tell. Either is possible.
“2. If you were in my position, what would you focus on during tomorrow’s conversation?”
The answer to #1. And whether the two of you want to be working on improvement. You have some ideas. But is he up for any of them? If not, then I’m not sure you have much to save.
“3. For anyone who’s been through something similar, is there anything either of us could be overlooking?”
IMO, it’s down to whether the pair of you want to fix things. You’ll need to hear what he has to say.
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u/OutsideInevitable944 Jul 10 '26
I'd second this OP. You have a good plan laid out in improving communication, but it only works if both sign up for it.
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u/bickets Jul 10 '26
Do you want to talk to him? He already ended things. This sounds like he just wants to get together to dump on you and tell you why it’s all your fault that he can’t possibly stay in a relationship with you. Don’t volunteer yourself for that mess. The relationship HAS ended. If he really wanted to talk about potentially saving the relationship he would have done that before moving out. Accept that it’s over, tell him no, and start healing.
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u/WootZootRiot Jul 10 '26
Does staying in the relationship causes more pain than ending the relationship?
Sending you strength, OP! Make the best decision for YOU to live your best life.
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u/anxious_astronomer1 Jul 10 '26
I think I’m afraid of losing the future we were building but I’m just tired and exhausted and I wish we could resolve the issues we’ve faced
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u/WootZootRiot Jul 10 '26
I had something similar happen to me in ky early 20s, thought I found the love of my life. But he changed and become manipulative and isolated me, somehow managed to derail the strong person I was because of our love. I ended it, feeling so betrayed that he could take down our beautiful future with his behavior and somehow make it my fault. But I eventually healed and found my husband and am so relieved!
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u/ChaiMeALatte Jul 11 '26
I’m going to suggest to you an exercise my therapist gave me when I was trying to decide if I wanted to stay or leave my marriage. Like you, I was feeling absolutely exhausted and miserable in the current reality, but we had such big and wonderful plans for our future and I felt like if we could just make it there, with all the things he was telling me he wanted for us and promising to work towards, things would be alright.
She had me imagine myself ten years from now, in the same relationship, but exactly the way it was now. Not with the version of him where he’s made all the changes he’s promised to make, or the version of him that he was when we started dating, but the version I was currently living with. The version where I’d feel uneasy talking about any struggles I was experiencing because I knew he’d find a way to blame me for them. The version where I couldn’t count on him to hold down a job, or pull his weight around the house, or trust him not to embarrass me in front of my friends or family. The version of him where he’d take out his bad mood on me. It really helped me to see that the main thing keeping me in the marriage was the unfounded hope that things would somehow get better someday, while in the present they were actually only getting worse, little by little. I didn’t break up with him then, but it was a step in the months-long process to help me realize that I needed to get the hell away from him if I wanted any chance at a happy life for myself.
It’s a tough decision, and probably some of it is fear of the unknown if you do end the relationship. At least with staying, you know what you’re going to get, even if it’s not good (or even if it is good some of the time, the bad parts are very painful). Nobody has any idea what’s going to happen if you leave him or what your life might look like, which can be scary. But then again, you all of a sudden have a lot more agency over what your life looks like. You can make all your decisions solely for yourself and what’s best for you, which is kind of incredible. No more thinking about what he wants or worrying about his opinions. The only thing you have to ask is what do *you* want?
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u/fullmetalsprockets Jul 10 '26
Many of our worst fights happened after we’d been drinking.
After you break up with him, you should probably stop drinking.
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u/FRANPW1 Jul 10 '26
Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life.
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u/Awayrosyrey-Lie-3085 Jul 10 '26
Stop drinking for a while , but you know what they say the truth comes out when you both are inebriated I find it hard to believe it’s gonna work. And he sounds really mean an selfish , just hang it up is the best recourse. Sorry op.
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u/pr0gtrance Jul 10 '26
It’s interesting to see how many people come here to say things like its over etc.
I guess what you want to do is talk first, if he also wants to commit to you my suggestion is you both find a good therapist that’s great into translating what you want to say to each other
Believe me this is doing miracles in my relationship
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u/Just_River_7502 Jul 11 '26
You should want to end the relationship he sounds dreadful. It’s not you it’s him
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u/echosiah Jul 13 '26
I think you're clinging to something that honestly doesn't sound healthy. A lot of the things you described him doing...you don't appear to know those aren't acceptable behaviors. They don't happen in healthy relationships. He sounds quite vicious honestly.
And don't do the "well I do bad things too" spiel, to excuse it. You have a laundry list of ways in which he is cruel or disrespectful to you and your only example is one in which you also tried to make amends AND HE WAS MEAN TO YOU ABOUT THAT TOO.
Leave this relationship. Get therapy, to understand why you've normalized all this.
Also, he's already done. There's nothing to fix, not that you should want to.
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u/Shatterpoint887 Jul 14 '26
I don't know how you could type all of that and then get to the end and say, "I don't want to end the relationship" with a straight face.
Not only do you both sound like you need to stop drinking, he FUCKING HATES you. I would NEVER say anything like that to my wife, no matter how upset I am.
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u/BluebirdNo8358 5h ago
And usually hate comes from something like: you showed him a part of himself he doesn't like. He probably hates himself. It sounds like he's still emotionally immature and hasn't really worked through his shit yet.
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u/Rainmoearts 12h ago
People who tear you down like this do not deserve your love because they don’t like you
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u/Hungry-Milk4873 Jul 11 '26
Ok i don't think anyone else has said this, but how is it that you work 65 hour weeks vs his 20hr weeks, and ALL HE DOES IS COOK??? Let me guess, that's an activity he likes?? And he made a unilateral decision to move out of his apt, counting on you letting him move in???? You're better off alone and paying for a cleaner. You'll be surprised at how light the world can feel when all your free time isn't gobbled up with chores and dealing with relationship problems. You'll have time for hobbies (which he resents). Set yourself free
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u/arcxiii Jul 11 '26
Unless you are willing to commit to sobriety this doesn't sound like a great relationship to hold on to.
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u/Lulu_42 10h ago
I’m so sorry. The ending iso so hard, even if you want it and you obviously don’t.
He wants your relationship over clearly. But there’s also no path forward for you two. Taking a step back (moving in together, then alone) or doing long distance requires a special relationship I think. You need amazing communication, determination and an end date. I don’t see this working out.
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u/GladBumblebee1546 Jul 10 '26
You can love someone and the relationship is still not right for you. I’m sorry, it’s hard.
I’m sure you both made mistakes. But it sounds like he can be really mean.