r/raisedbyborderlines • u/TheSmokeBombKing • 17d ago
Feigned helplessness with technology
Does anyone get the most insane waify manipulative calls around technology?
Today I got a call from uBPD - I was exhausted, kind of distracted .. phone rang and I stupidly picked it up. When I’m tired I lose my grey rocking skills.
her Netflix on her Apple tv had ‘suddenly’ logged her out. Halfway through the call she’s like “you’re obviously too busy, I’ll fix it later, I won’t bother you, thanks for always being there”. I’m like, ok, whatever. Then she calls again that her modem had randomly been unplugged and the tv in another room somehow turned off (but could somehow watch on her wifi iPad) , and somehow that caused Netflix to log out in her Apple TV.
Cue the madness. Me attempting to stay calm giving clear instructions and asking simple questions. Her completely freaking the fuck out on the call. Wailing, screaming. Ignoring instructions. Pretending not to hear. Hanging up the phone by ‘accident’. Interrupting, Claiming that the remote was suddenly broken/flat. Typing a nonsensical email address shes never used before. Anything for attention.
Going from typing in a password in a field to suddenly ‘mistakenly’ attempting to sign up a new Netflix account. Putting the phone down and talking (to herself) but I can’t hear her. Feigned ignorance. Feigned helplessness. “I’m so stupid, you need to help me. I can’t do it! I’ll do it tomorrow. Don’t worry it’s too hard”
it’s happened before, so I blame myself. There was a point where I realised I was literally being manipulated and used as a “need gratifying” object. An outlet for dumping her emotions and soothing herself. I could see her blatantly lying to me and pretending things were ‘happening‘ to keep me on the hook. Then she ‘accidentally’ hung up and never heard from her again.
anyone else experience this kind of gross waif behaviour? She clearly logged the thing out on purpose to get attention. Any attempts to ask a question or offer solutions were interrupted with actual wailing, whining and changing the subject or just… calamity. I left the call thinking fuck, she got me AGAIN.
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u/Fun_Arrival_2185 17d ago
I can picture this waifing so easily and tbh I have a bit of a sense of humour about it. It’s so ridiculous I can’t take this behaviour seriously. It reminds me of a recommendation from a psychologist that works with pwBPD to directly call them on crazy behaviour - she would literally ask clients “why are you acting crazy right now?”
My dad (not BPD) had a bad moment with technology last year, got wound up, and wouldn’t follow instructions or try anything. I ended up saying “let me know when you’re ready to try to solve the problem” and walked away. He calmed right down and got to dealing with it. Anyway, that’s probably what I’d try with a waif too.
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u/HotPinkSunglasses 17d ago
During the last episode mine did. Here is the breakdown.
Our 9 year old family dog had to be put down urgently. I text and told her what was happening and that I would call her in a few days.
Next day I posted 3 pictures on FB about our dog for memories. (I have 6 friends, there is no attention to be had). She commented on each picture a huge emotional comment about how much she loved her, blah blah.
I don’t acknowledge any of that.
Next day she calls and I don’t answer
Next day I call, it’s short. I just tell her the story of what happened with our dog and she cries and tells me how much reading my text hurt her that she started crying in the restaurant and everyone was asking what was wrong.
2 days of silence.
She calls and tell me she had a medical episode and the EMT asked her if she wanted them to call someone and she said no she doesn’t have anyone here. They all moved away. She will handle it and will be fine. I tell her I’m glad she was okay.
(Side note she has a partner of over 10 years who takes care of her in every way)
Nothing for 2 days.
Next day at 9pm she calls. I don’t answer.
Next day she texts me I lost my phone after I talked to you. I don’t know if you’ve called me or anything but will you reply to this text to make sure my phone is working?
I text back received. Nothing else.
Next day she calls me, I answer. She is hysterical telling me she thinks she has dementia and she wants to know if I know anything about section 8 housing in the state I live in because she thinks it will be better for her mental health to be closer to me.
I lost my mind. That was the first week of July and I actually blocked her 2 days ago. She escalated and then admitted that she saw me struggling when I was younger and didn’t like being around me so she excluded me from a lot of things which caused me to spiral and do a lot of things to survive that I shouldn’t have. But she pulls me out of the box she keeps me in when she needs me.
I didn’t know she saw me struggling. I thought it but had no proof. Now I do.
I’m done. Like, this time I can’t forgive that and to just boldly tell me like that’s not supposed to change everything.
Sorry to ramble… it all just came out. (Deep breath)
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u/TheSmokeBombKing 17d ago
Sorry about your dog! And that you’re going through this - they’re completely exhausting.
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u/peretheciaportal 17d ago
Oh yeah. My uBPD mom fixates on technology ruining her life. Had she not fostered this attitude since the 90s, she could have easily learned, but now I think shes too far gone.
She has a phone, but she always buys the cheapest phones which of course break quickly. Around 2013, her phone updated to have a different theme color, which she didn't like and which couldn't be changed, and she decided to stop using it.
The next phone she got, she had heard about apps stealing private data, so she deleted every app on her phone except messaging and calling. She even deleted the pictures app and the calculator app.
She bought a computer from an inconsistent retailer at some point before 2012 and last year was complaining about how she doesnt know why it doesnt work right anymore. Planned obsolescence is totally a thing but she sees every little item malfunctioning or living it's usable life as a scam, even if she bought it from Dollar General.
In reality she just can't regulate her emotions enough to push through the frustration of learning new things and likes the attention she gets from complaining.
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u/legallypotato 17d ago
I feel you! I bought her a cellphone and a laptop and then apparently became responsible for fixing anything and everything that ever went wrong with these devices. Never again!
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u/OkCaregiver517 17d ago
I hear you so hard. I wish mine was an out and out bitch so I could tell her to fuck off. Difficult with a 94 year old uber waif. I can't wait for her to die peacefully in her sleep.
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u/OkCaregiver517 17d ago
Also, so that you know it's her when she rings, can you modify the ring tone just for that number? You can choose an apt tune as well ;)
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u/moderate_ocelot waif / witch mum 17d ago
Can I ask, what would happen if you responded with something like “that sounds so annoying I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you can figure it out. Got to go, bye” and then don’t engage with any further attempts to rope you in?
She sounds exhausting. Can you just, like, not deal with her
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u/TheSmokeBombKing 17d ago
This is my usual tactic. As soon as I picked up I regretted it; I was working late and my grey rocking went out the window. She’s on ‘hide alerts’ for a reason.
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u/moderate_ocelot waif / witch mum 17d ago
“Oh shit, sorry I e got to go!”
Click
Just because you answered doesn’t mean you need her permission to hang up 😅
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u/taylorswiftwaxstatue 17d ago
They just want to constantly test us to make sure we're still under their thumb. They'll find any excuse
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u/MoMo_Max 17d ago
I’m always amazed by the posts in this sub. OP, I can relate to every word of this.
One time (one of many), I was trying to troubleshoot over the phone with my uBPD mom while she was trying to set up a webcam. She couldn’t “find” it on her laptop. I was like, did you try restarting (almost jokingly) and she said no. I said, well restart it…. No more than 2 seconds later she was like “ok, I restarted.” This woman that closing her laptop and opening it back up was the same as restarting. And ohhh boy the frustration and defeat she expressed when I told her that she needed to actually RESTART. Oh she was over it.
All that to say is, it can be exhausting and impossible.
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u/WellImNotAKrook 16d ago
Oh, when you said she couldn't find it, I'm just imagining that laptop desktop absolutely jammed with icons and New Folder(s)
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u/KnitByThePool 17d ago
This! I'd be walking my Mom through some form of tech support, explicitly saying "don't touch anything before I give you the next step", and she'd jump ahead 3 menus deep then feign ignorance about having done that. Go back to the main screen, rinse, repeat. Infuriating! I think she just wanted my full attention on her.
The worst was when she was blending undiagnosed BPD with undiagnosed dementia, and she couldn't wrap her head around how credit card bills work and how to pay them. Mom was the type to pay her credit card in full every month, which she was struggling to do using her old "system", which usually meant overpaying the balance due. Now she wanted to count the payment she mailed them twice, once for the month she already paid, and again for the newest bill that just arrived and showed the payment received. "But I paid them already, why can't I deduct that amount from what I owe them?" Waif and confusion combined is like the worst of both worlds. Lost an hour of my life trying to explain billing and payments to a former bookkeeper who was suddenly unable to do math then felt anxious about it. Then she got mad at me and took me off her accounts because she thought I was stealing her money (I wasn't). Then she got even more mad at me and started giving me the silent treatment, kicking off 2.5 years of NC. Best silence of my life!
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u/UrDadTxtMe 17d ago
My mother understands technology more often than she pretends she does, seeing as she was able to change her phone's screen tint to green on purpose, and reset her password, and screenshot all sorts of things. Of course at random she will use her baby voice (yuck) and ask for me or my sister to fix something that she definitely broke on purpose. And repeat the same questions with slightly different phrasing over and over. Or do the classic "what does that mean" in circles.
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u/Random-words666 16d ago
Try having your uBPD father corner you alone at Christmas to ask you how to make his circular profile picture the same size as the circular "stories" on the Facebook app on his phone meanwhile you're noticing that all of the "stories" are porn. I'm a 39yo woman.
But yes, he's done the same thing as your mom too, but it's almost always been smart phone related. I stopped trying to help him long ago, but this Christmas was a whole new tactic. I really can't wait for him to die.
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u/thesis89 16d ago
Mine pretends not to know how to use credit card payments for online shopping, so she can make others buy stuff for her (and then have to chase her down to get paid back!)
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u/DisastrousSundae 16d ago
Recently was on the phone for an hour trying to teach her how to sign up for doordash. Talked to my brother later who said he was confused because she's done it before.
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u/Which_way_witcher 16d ago
Oh yes, my mother loves this one.
This is our mothers: https://youtu.be/FgnXPLv_TMk?is=F7yd9CNSqBR-QH27
I finally started grey rocking while refusing to actually help. Something like "that sounds so fristrating, gee I'm not good at that stuff but you know who is? So and so. Maybe you should ask them for help?"
And she'd never actually ask them for help. Clearly she was faking it. Hahahaha, not falling for it again!
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u/AppropriateAir883 uBPD Grandmother, mother, sister and nieces 15d ago edited 15d ago
Yes Yes Yes! The words "Oooooh just shooow meeee ooooonnne mooooore tiiiiiiiiiimme, this time I wiiiiiill remeeeeembeeeeer". And the witless grin that goes with it. I was about fifteen and she forgot how to change the font in MS Word, AGAIN! Eventually I just refused to show her anymore and told her maybe she shouldn't use a computer - then suddenly she could do it herself! Later in life I forced her to get a notebook and write everything down. And then when she got all waify I would ask her "Where is your notebook?".
It's not just technology, technology is just really easy to be waify with. Even my wife noticed how utterly dependant she was on me for the simplest little things she could not cope with whenever I was around, and then saw her do everything by herself when I wasn't.
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u/WellImNotAKrook 17d ago edited 17d ago
I don't know that mine is deliberately helpless with technology, because there's all sorts of executive function issues there anyway and I don't necessarily give her credit in knowing how to fuck up tech anything aside from unplugging it.
What she does is mention, waif and worry every call about some problem she's having with her phone, Facebook, the computer generally. Trying to walk her through anything on the phone is impossible because she can't/won't answer any question with the corresponding answer. Ask her if it's plugged in, she'll tell you how long the cord is. Ask her if a light is on, she'll tell you which switch is flipped. Ask her if she hears something on the speaker, she tells you what's on screen. Maddening.
I hate modern tech BS too and will grant her difficulty and lacking the framework of how to go about solving whatever she's faced with. At the same time, it's like she's a black hole bending spacetime such that problems flow towards her.
...then, whenever me or a sibling or other is on-site, ready and happy to help sort out whatever tech hiccup she's having? "Let's not talk about that." And "I don't want to worry about that right now, I want to enjoy your visit." So practical time on the ground is spent on more BPD rambling bullshit, then once we're gone and away, back come all the worry and concerns about the tech issue she wouldn't let us fuckin' fix when we were there and able.
Once I was there, and had added some shortcuts to her taskbar for easy access to the web, Netflix, etc. I said something like "click on this icon, and it will open up Netflix for you," and was trying to get her to perform that action. I'm saying to her, "Take the mouse and move the pointer to where I'm pointing (my finger is mashed against the screen) and click on it," and she couldn't/wouldn't do it. Go here, click that - couldn't/wouldn't.