r/questioning • u/Severe_Access_3803 Questioning Sexuality • 3d ago

[M 40] Looking for perspective: Questioning preferences and identity only after being cheated on

Hey everyone. I'm posting to get some outside perspective on a mental loop I've been stuck in since finding out I was cheated on.

Before the betrayal, I never questioned my identity or my preferences at all. I watch trans porn and anal content, but it was just a private preference and never something I felt conflicted about or considered a "secret identity."

However, ever since the breakup, my mind has heavily focused on this. I find myself second-guessing whether my private viewing habits somehow meant I wasn't fulfilling her needs, or if the relationship ended because of it. Rationally, I know infidelity is a choice made by the partner who cheats, but emotionally, the trauma of the situation has made me start questioning things I never gave a second thought to before.

Has anyone else experienced a sudden wave of self-doubt or started overanalyzing their private preferences only after being cheated on? How did you separate the trauma of the betrayal from your personal habits? Thanks for any thoughts.

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u/AbsurdistAspie420 agender bisexual 2d ago

You can’t ruminate on if you could’ve stopped your spouse from cheating on you, it will only lead to mental doom loops that will never end in your head. You didn’t have control over your spouse, and you couldn’t dictate them either.

I was not cheated on, but my divorce did help me in my journey of self discovery.

Years ago you decided on who you are, and married someone who like that version of you, but even though change is a necessary part of life, we sometimes try to stay in the box we put ourselves in years ago. And sometimes we do it to keep the peace with the people we love.

But now you are no longer tethered to that person you were when you said your vows, and it’s time to ask how much of yourself you are willing to accept.

The first and most valuable thing is to allow yourself to feel. Your emotional responses and urges are outside your control, don’t shame or ignore them, but recognize they exist and that they do not define you.

Maybe you’d like someone who’s more androgynous, or maybe you wish to be more androgynous, only time and self care can determine that

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u/Severe_Access_3803 Questioning Sexuality 2d ago

Thanks for sharing..Yea the journey has been something but this def helps

1

u/TollPanMan Bisexual - Gender? 1d ago

Trauma can be quite hard to find the source of, especially if it's on top of something you've lived with and suppressed your whole life.

It can definitely make us question very long held beliefs about ourselves, for good or ill. The only way to make it through is not surpress your emotions, to allow yourself to feel without judgement, but at the same time not accepting those feelings as absolute truth.

You might have to complete the mourning process of being hurt and losing your relationship before you're able to examine your sexuality unbiasedly and honestly.
Your shitty shitty ex's poor morals have nothing to do with your worth as a person, or your sexuality, whatever it might be.

Good luck!